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Yet Another Blog

feeling small

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I was paying out paying bills today, and really, considering that I'd been spending my summer with nights online (and o the forum!) and days in bed snoozing, I was drowsy. I'd actually been asleep right before leaving, something I left to chance, and when I got up and realized the hour, I forced myself to get up, grab a jacket, and get out of the house.

I knew I was definitely sleepy as the hour came to my usual snoozing time, and I was chilling on the way to the mall. *sigh*

It began to drizzle; I was thankful that my jacket had a hood.

EVen in a mall that I was very failiar with, I seemed to feel a bit lost... Thank good ness for me that the direction I had guessed to take took me to the right counter. And despite the actul irony of the situaion, I was glad I was carrying a somewhat large amount of money because I was forced to maintain focus about where I was and what was happening around me.

I paid for part of my mom's credit card bill, then headed off to the in-mall bank branch thingy, and took one of those deposit slips and whatever it is that usual banker-type people, or those people who always go to banks doing whatever do. After that I stood in line, focusing on the other people around me while making sure that that envelope between my fingers, and its contents of foreign currency, stayed there. Yes, I was definitely awake now.

One more errand: our landline phone bill. I walked down Session Road a little bit, made a stop, and joined the short queues.

There. It was finished.

I walked down and for the first time in a long time didn't focus on what I thought people thought of me. No, I hope you believe me when I say I'm not that narcissistic, really, but see, what some of my friends used to do was let me walk ahead of everyone and they would count how many people would look at me, and add points for people who took a second look at me. It was an entirely different point system for if someone said, "hi miss", or whistled, (most of the time though I was dressed decently--most of the time, lol), or asked for my number. This usually made me "explore" this kind of thing.

Here I am, trailing off again. Anywho, this time I unconsciously kept my thoughts away from that and began to think of other things.

And then there it hit. I realized that today was the first time in a long time that I had ever felt "small." Not the kind of small like belittled type of small, but the philosophical kind of small, like the kind of small that tells me I don't matter. (Hmm, maybe I am narcissistic.) I'm not really self-important (or at least I don't think I am) , and for the longset time I've been involved in what I have come to call "politics", you know, people seem to know you but you don;t know them and they see you and whatever crazy thing you do... And somehow it gets around to people who matter, ie. some of my teachers, etc., etc... and for th first time in a long time, nothing seemed to matter.

I;d be lying if I said I thought it was hugely freeing. I didn;t think so, but I don't really think of "politics" as constricting. It's just that a lot of people watch you as you go through your life. It was hugely.. different. But I didn't mind

*sigh. THis blog entry isn't the way I had hoped it would be, but I'm too lazy to edit, lol..



  1. Virgil's Avatar
    To be honest Amanda I don't think I understood this. But in the general whole world scheme of things, unfortunately we are all small. If we were gone tomorrow hardly anything would change. But to ourselves and the people who care about us we are all huge.
  2. amanda_isabel's Avatar
    Virgil, thanks for the read anyway.. What in particular was so not understandable about it? Was it the whole sleepy part? Well anyway, I appreciate the comment
  3. Virgil's Avatar
    On re-reading it Amanda it was not confusing. I must have been confused when I read it. I hope you are no longer feeling small. And why is it that people look at you? Is your hair cut in a mohawk or something.
  4. amanda_isabel's Avatar
    Virgil, thanks, and no my hair isn;t a mohawk, it;s just curly and poofy, and well, I'm an attractive person, lol and I didn't mind feeling small. for that little bit. Really.