Why I am Depressed
by
, 01-24-2008 at 02:08 PM (3610 Views)
...in no particular order...
1) Heath Ledger died. Ledger was slated to play Jessie in my daydrream of The Life and Times of Jules Vercini being made into a movie. Orlando Bloom is too old to play Jules - can no longer "work it" like Jules did. Should an act of God dictate my novel makes it to publication and production, I will never the actors play the roles I had written for them. Ledger was also a fantastic actor and I greatly related to him on a personal level (an INFP through and through).
Why couldn't it have been Brittainy Spears instead?
2) I am moving into a rent-a-room. All my worldly possessions are being given away, till all that I own will exist within 4 walls. This was a mark of progress for Virginia Woolf, but for me it's a sign of descend into Steppenwolf-Syndrome. Soon I will be a pathetic female character in a Hesse novel - if I'm not already.
3) Because my son's a-hole father won't sign guardianship papers, he is returning to Florida. I will have to fight for custody AND child support (he will not give it) while somehow attending school 4 hours away - if I get in.
4) The stock market is crashing. My parents have lost 80,000 in 1 month. There's a good chance grad school now is just a pipe dream. It might be Walmart for the rest of my life (takes gun, shoots self).
5) I owe 4,000 in debt.
6) I miss Orlando. I found some emails I had printed out where we talked back and forth about characters and what-not. We were able to understand each other in ways that - at least I was never understood by another. He related to me on a creative level, esp regarding characters, like no one else ever has or probably ever will. I love him so much; that won't die. Why did he have to grow bored with me and walk away? Granted, I knew from the get-go it was destined to happen - it's a pattern for him, and I knew I was no exception, and I do take some pride in the fact that it took him 2 years ta grow bored with me while with other women it was simply a matter of months. I suppose that's a twisted sort of flattery to my ego - but why does he have to presume in this pattern rather than adapt and change?
7) Aaron is beautiful, and it's lovely to be around beautiful people, but I can't and am not in love with him. I love him as if he's my child, and he loves me like a child who loves his mother. He looks to me for guidance and wisdom in life, and rewards me with physical affection. It's not the same as #6.
8) Two months ago I chided my boss and a coworker that I would attend their funerals (because of their lifestyle of smoking - they were both sick). I was hoping they would quit smoking. Instead, both have cancer. My boss will have his voice box removed - and hope to God it hasn't metastisized.
9) I can't daydream any longer. My mind struggles to open the doors to the imagination. This is very stressful for me.
10) I hurt. My body hurts constantly and I've been plagued with headaches.
In some, I owe a great deal of money, I am worried about 5 people (my son, Aaron, my boss, my coworker, always Orlando), about the stock market, graduate school all the while trying to move and deal with custodial arrangements.
That's my worry list - though if I think of anything else, I'll add it.