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Why I am Depressed

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1) Heath Ledger died. Ledger was slated to play Jessie in my daydrream of The Life and Times of Jules Vercini being made into a movie. Orlando Bloom is too old to play Jules - can no longer "work it" like Jules did. Should an act of God dictate my novel makes it to publication and production, I will never the actors play the roles I had written for them. Ledger was also a fantastic actor and I greatly related to him on a personal level (an INFP through and through).

Why couldn't it have been Brittainy Spears instead?

2) I am moving into a rent-a-room. All my worldly possessions are being given away, till all that I own will exist within 4 walls. This was a mark of progress for Virginia Woolf, but for me it's a sign of descend into Steppenwolf-Syndrome. Soon I will be a pathetic female character in a Hesse novel - if I'm not already.

3) Because my son's a-hole father won't sign guardianship papers, he is returning to Florida. I will have to fight for custody AND child support (he will not give it) while somehow attending school 4 hours away - if I get in.

4) The stock market is crashing. My parents have lost 80,000 in 1 month. There's a good chance grad school now is just a pipe dream. It might be Walmart for the rest of my life (takes gun, shoots self).

5) I owe 4,000 in debt.

6) I miss Orlando. I found some emails I had printed out where we talked back and forth about characters and what-not. We were able to understand each other in ways that - at least I was never understood by another. He related to me on a creative level, esp regarding characters, like no one else ever has or probably ever will. I love him so much; that won't die. Why did he have to grow bored with me and walk away? Granted, I knew from the get-go it was destined to happen - it's a pattern for him, and I knew I was no exception, and I do take some pride in the fact that it took him 2 years ta grow bored with me while with other women it was simply a matter of months. I suppose that's a twisted sort of flattery to my ego - but why does he have to presume in this pattern rather than adapt and change?

7) Aaron is beautiful, and it's lovely to be around beautiful people, but I can't and am not in love with him. I love him as if he's my child, and he loves me like a child who loves his mother. He looks to me for guidance and wisdom in life, and rewards me with physical affection. It's not the same as #6.

8) Two months ago I chided my boss and a coworker that I would attend their funerals (because of their lifestyle of smoking - they were both sick). I was hoping they would quit smoking. Instead, both have cancer. My boss will have his voice box removed - and hope to God it hasn't metastisized.

9) I can't daydream any longer. My mind struggles to open the doors to the imagination. This is very stressful for me.

10) I hurt. My body hurts constantly and I've been plagued with headaches.

In some, I owe a great deal of money, I am worried about 5 people (my son, Aaron, my boss, my coworker, always Orlando), about the stock market, graduate school all the while trying to move and deal with custodial arrangements.

That's my worry list - though if I think of anything else, I'll add it.


  1. Granny5's Avatar
    Countess, keep your chin up. You are strong and so darn smart. Nothing will stop you. I truly believe in you. I will be at Wal-Mart the rest of my life or until I retire. But I'm older and not as wise.
  2. Virgil's Avatar
    Poor Countess. I feel bad for you. Don't worry about the stock market. This time next year it will be higher than when it began to drop a few weeks ago. That's the least of your worries. I wish I could give advice on you other problems, but unfortunately I can't. Hang in there.
  3. B-Mental's Avatar
    you won't hurt anymore Countess, what a beautiful entry! B
  4. Shalot's Avatar
    well, I don't know what to tell you about some of those things. I read on a website that some religious people were going to protest or boycott Heath Ledger's funeral because of Brokeback Mountain . But, if you worked and paid taxes this year, you may be getting a rebate check in an effort to stimulate the economy. Or something. I need mine now though. But I can't do anything without my W2. Or is it W4? I know it's NOT the W9 form. Okay, well, I am tired of being stupid in your blog. I really do hope these things work themselves out.
  5. kiz_paws's Avatar
    All I can give you, Countess, is moral support. The rest seems to be written in the stars, as things often are... If I think of something really cool, I'll PM you, though. Till then, stay as level-headed as you always are. Kizzo
  6. andave_ya's Avatar
    Oh my goodness. I never thought of mourning a favorite actor as I would a favorite author or musician. I'm sorry. Rent-a-room -- it can't limit you, Countess. I'm sorry you miss your Orlando, and I'm sorry about your boss and coworker. That's harsh. Daydreaming--there comes a time when the doors begin to shut, slowly, and it becomes time to move on, unless you write something. Yes, I can say that because I've felt it. It does hurt, and it is stressful, but with the callous optimism of youth I can say that there is a plus side to it, at least for me. I dunno for you. BUT!.....You've walked and talked with intellectuals, theoretically speaking. Hang real life(except for your son and the people you love) and the stock market and delve into academe. All is well and good there, though you know that already. Thinking of you........P.S. Do we get a happy list?
  7. motherhubbard's Avatar
    I'm so sorry you are in the dumps. I wish I could do or say something to make you feel better. I'll keep you in my prayers. They say that a lot of people were depressed this past week- resolutions broken, credit card bills come in from Christmas shopping... You’ll be through all of this soon.
  8. mtpspur's Avatar
    My deep sympathies. Child custody is bear as my son has proven to his loss and ours. Debts--wow--I would feel like on top of the world with only $4000owed instead of in the $30,000. This last year the load multiplied rather then went down. Car repairs take a beating on week to week. I don't do stocks (never had the money to play and it smacks of gambling to me unless rigidly maintained. As to Mr. Ledger I did not know and was highly embarassed that I didn't even know he's playing the Joker in next Batman movie and as a Batman fan that was a warning sign of apathy. But I have never really cared overmuch for the movies. BUT I still carry a small torch for Janet Munro who has been dead for decades and little remembered these days so I do feel a kindred spirit there. David Jannssen also (Fugitive, Harry O). Worldly goods come and go. I have collections that I thought I would always have slip thru the fingers at the whiff of an economic downslide. I hope the rent-a-room works out and you can salvage something from it all. As to Orlando it was what it was and is special to you and should be respected for that. But I have come to feel he has ever so slowly sapped your spirit and for this I resent him. Wal-mart--could be K-Mart--for that you'll need a knife. Long story known--I too wish the best for you and often wish the light at the end of the tunnel was behind you and not ever so far away. Be at peace dear friend. At least you don't have the devil child still making trouble. With respect and hoping not to have hurt you--Rich
  9. Niamh's Avatar
    I fell the need to send you all the luck in Ireland again countess.*starts sending it slowly so as not to overwelm Countess.* I hope it brings you more hope, love and luck than it did the last time. And sending my love as well. you need it. La gra Niamh
  10. 's Avatar
    Countess, I am so sorry to hear that you are back facing the demon again. It is no fun as you say. My counsel would be to focus on what you can control, or have some influence over, and forget the rest. There is an old prayer that says it slightly differently, about having the strength to change what can be changed, the patience to endure what can't be changed, and the wisdom to know the difference. I would also suggest learning to put your problems out of your mind at night so you can sleep well and store up emotional and physical energy. The problems will still be there in the morning, and you will need all your strength to handle them. By all means improve what you can improve, and don't spin your wheels on useless effort. There! That says it four different ways. Stay focused.
  11. applepie's Avatar
    You are in my thoughts and prayers Countess. I've no wisdom or advice, but just know I'm praying for the best of things to come your way:)
  12. 's Avatar
    It doesn't sound too bad. Nowhere did you mention your health is failing, besides the aches. Very treatable. Cheer up.
  13. 's Avatar
    Countess, Still flying the flag for you.
  14. lcalvin's Avatar
    Cheer up! You're just going through something but that doesn't mean it's anything serious dear. However, when I was clinically diagnosed with anxiety disorder, I went all natural. I listen to music, exercise- eat some comfort food and all. A friend who's suffering from the same issues too shared a site with tips on all going natural- this is not spam. Again, it's just a personal tip. No harm if you try coz like I said, I have avoided any sort of medications too.
  15. Morden's Avatar
    Sorry to be so late -- very very late, I now see, Countess -- in responding to your situation. I don't make it by here much anymore. But please don't let your imagination die. I firmly believe that the future is in our imaginatiions and, if you keep the image of your future alive in your own mind, then that is what will help guide your steps in getting there. Perhaps in small steps, but eventually you will make progress getting there.
    So, please.

    I hope something has improved since your post.
    Updated 05-26-2010 at 02:35 PM by Morden