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Whine, whine, whine

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I have a delima at my house. We are in a situation that has gone on for years. We know the solution, but neither my husband nor I will state it. Why? I think, no I know, I won't state the obvious because I will have to bare the blame. He won't state it because he doesn't want to feel the guilt and if I say it, he will be able to push the blame onto me. We both know that the situation is deadly to both our health and sanity. Our relationships with our children, grandchildren, and friends are damaged because of our inability to voice what needs to happen. It will even damage our marriage if it goes on. But we dance around the issue every day with both of us wanting the very same thing: peace and a place to relax when we are in our home.
I work very hard at my job. It's a physically demanding job with long hours and a lot of responsibilities. But it's good pay and I love the work that I do. He works very hard at a job that is emotionally and mentally demanding. He's very well respected in our area as well as in the state we live in. He does an outstanding job.
He is nearing the age when most men begin to plan retirement. We both know that when retirement time comes, he won't retire. Why? Because he'd go totally crazy with the situation at home if it is still the same. And there is the possibility that this could go on for years and years.
He loves to fish, but wouldn't be able to spend any time doing so. He loves to tie fishing flies and build fly rods, but would probably not have time to do much of either. And he would like to travel and that would absolutely not be allowed because it isn't now. His time, day and night, is demanded without relief. I would absolutely love to have my grandchildren come stay the night, play games, come and go as they please,run, yell, watch tv, and enjoy being with us. But that isn't allowed.
From the time we get off work for the week until we go back to work to start a new week, we are tied down more than we were when our children were little. Our days off are not together so we'll be able to handle the situation without help as much as possible.
Decisions need to be made and although I know we've come to the same decision, neither will voice it. I truely believe that the situation will outlive us both.
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  1. Virgil's Avatar
    Hey Granny. I don't iknow if this helps. But in the engineering world a lot of the older engineers who can retire, retire and get hired as consultants working 2-3 days per week. I don't know if that kind of option is available to either you or your husband. I too would find it dificult to completely retire. I happen to love my job. I'm no where near retirement age yet, but working two or three days per week would be an ideal situation for me some day. Who knows if those options will be available for me when I am ready.
  2. motherhubbard's Avatar
    There is a much easer solution. The two of you have been married a long time and have such a strong foundation that I think you should say this same thing to dad that you said here and put an end to the suffering. When your mom was too much for you to manage alone she went into a care facility because that was what was best for her and the rest of the family. She would have whipped you if you let her do what mamaw is doing. You don't have to be responsibile for any decesions, but you should buck up and get the conversation rolling
  3. Granny5's Avatar
    Motherhubbard, you know it's not as easy at that. And I moved into the care
    facility with Mom and we knew it was for a limited time. I think that a family meeting would be the best solution.

    Virgil, thank you for your suggestion. I think he would enjoy working part time as long as he had fishing and fly tieing time. He's always been a workaholic so that is really a good suggestion. Again, thanks so much.
  4. kiz_paws's Avatar
    Well, as it is not my business to know just what the nature is of the thing that is causing this much grief and stress to you, my making some kind of thought towards a happy resolution seems to be impossible. Yet you deserve happiness, you sound like such a wonderful and caring person. It was told to me when I got married that all things should be brought forth and worked out, and to not 'shelf' things -- but this is not always easy to do. However, just your saying that you have to dance around this issue, neither partner wants to bring it in the open -- well, that is sad, I wished I knew how to advise you so that you could be able to work on a solution for this situation. All I will say is good luck to you, and maybe you can find a way. Take care, Kizzo
  5. jon1jt's Avatar
    Granny5, I'm not following what you're saying here---there's something you're leaving out, now you say you could use some solemn advice and that's why I'm here---help me, help you.

    Putting this family drama...important family drama...aside for a minute, I just want to tell you that you deserve to find yourself---you sound like a cool lady---so I say you just get into that hot car behind you in your avatar---what is that an old Mustang?! Wow, what a gem!!!! Just get in the car with your husband, turn the key and come pick me up, and we'll all do a road trip cross country!---hey we'll stop at lakes along the way---I admit it I love to fish too---we'll drink good red wine and fish, driving cross country with granny5 and hub---yipeee!
    Updated 01-16-2009 at 11:48 PM by jon1jt