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Online Lit Therapy

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by
Countess
, 07-24-2007 at 11:22 AM (773 Views)
Apparently Lindsey Lohan was arrested today for another DUI. Also in the news, the sun rose this morning.

Thanks to everyone for putting up with Anthony conversation. I know none of you wishes to hear me whine and complain, "watch" me mope and brood, but I don't think *not* talking about it has gotten me very far, so I'm using this blog as a form of therapy.

You all are my therapists; how does it feel? You're much better, btw, than licensed therapists and I don't even have to pay you. Online Literature: fulfilling your literary and psychotherapy needs one day at a time.

Okay, now let me prate a short bit about the bastard I love: I want to strangle him. I told him some time ago he needed to leave the alcohol alone, that he was developing a problem. Even in "Hanging by a Thread" I suggested it in the scene where Drew was drunk - I tried to paint it for him so he could see himself (maybe I should have been a bit more graphic). I recognize myself in him in so many ways - if God ever made a male version of me, it's him; he's got the same androgeny, ambiguity, self-hatred, conflicted emotions, battle between flesh and spirit. I want to save him from himself not only because I love him, but because I want to symbolically save myself as well. I don't know if you understand what I am talking about. He's so lost, and I love him so madly I want to rescue him, and I know the way - I found the way (at least part of the way: I can lead him only as far as I have gotten today, but it's better than where he is presently). I want him to surrender, give up the drink and smokes and stop the insanity.

This picture was taken on the 20th. The idiot teen girls have their heads stuffed so far in the sand they can probably see up Hong Kong skirt: ("he's tired". Yeah - after coming home from the Groucho club he's simply "tired"):



That is what I looked like at my very worst, btw. I'd go to the club alone, meet some friends and hang out, get plastered, then go home alone looking like that.

Here's another photo you've seen before: what I didn't tell you there are others like it where it's clear the arse can't walk by himself:



He makes me SO ANGRY! Inside, I really want to kick his arse. He has the world at his feet. He's beautiful, rich, successful, brilliant (really, a very intelligent man), creative , a snappy dresser - I mean, he has everything anyone could ever want: he even has a girl here who loves him madly for himself (despite wanting to strangle him for his self-destruction tendencies).
What is his problem? Why can't he just see the way?

I understand people like me (lifetime losers) hitting the bottle, killing themselves one day at a time. At least on some level there's justification. But him? I know he hates himself; I know he feels inferior, but it flies in the face of all evidence and testiment to the contrary.

Maybe he really is mad.

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  1. kiz_paws's Avatar
    About the self-destructive ways, well, I have come to believe that the individuals that I know who are bent on this path, really have given up hope on 'real love'. Now this is relative ONLY to my world and the people that I love and who are destroying themself. It is so much more common that people realize, Countess. I love your open mannerism, you are brave to bare your soul as you do, much credit is due to you who can do this. Anyhow, I get sad/frustrated, etc., when I am 'asked to dance' with my friends (what I mean is when I am asked to hear their latest/view their latest/pick up their latest pieces), because I love them so much and they don't even believe in the concept of love. Wow.... I am running out of words because it is difficult to explain. Nonetheless, I think instead of kicking an arse (which yeah, that comes to my mind often, too, ha-ha), I want to get inside the brain and prove that someone really DOES care and really DOES love them. Sorry for long post... and hey, it sure is good to have your presence here, I was so worried that you might have given us up. Thanks for sticking it out, we love you!
  2. Countess's Avatar
    Thanks Kiz Paws. I understand exactly how you feel. I've tried every which way till Sunday to demonstrate he is loved - not simply adored or idolized, but truly loved - for who he is inside, but it seems his receptor device is turned off. Actually, I also understand this, because I am also the same way. The logic runs along these lines: 1) I am unlovable. 2) Anyone who loves me either A) doesn't really know me, and thus they don't really love me B) is really screwed up in the head. 3) In order to preserve Proposition 1, I must push people away who do not fit into Catagory A or B. Thus, should anyone worthy love me, I must rid myself of them, thus ensuring 100% accuracy and consistency of Proposition 1.
  3. applepie's Avatar
    Countess, don't worry about using us for therapy. I did and trust me it works. I'll be the first to admit that I'm a much happier person since starting to blog here. I'm not as angry anymore, and when I do get furious I have someone to tell about it. Even if no one reads the post, it is good for me to write it out in words and reson it out or just let it go. I'm sorry I have no good advice, but I'll listen. I'm not good with helping people through their issues so that is why no good advice about Anthony. I know that if someone thinks they are unloveable then often it takes a lot of time with someone who loves them for it to really sink in. My husband still has his insecurities after 5 years married, and this is the same man who asked me why I could possibly love him on our wedding night. All I can do is offer constant reassurance and a swift kick if he ever starts to think I couldn't possibly love him. Finding out why he feels he can't be loved is a good start to helping him through it. I know this is easier said than done, so good luck- Meg
  4. mtpspur's Avatar
    If I was single dear Countess--I would be character #B. the good news is that while romancing you you would teach me color coordiantion in clothing wear which has the defeated the long suffering wife for 26 years now. I hve always been enchanted by you and you are definitely on my list of lady loves which ironically proves all your propostions. This can't be helping. Long story short--you are entitled to be who you are and I am entitled to like/love who you are (and in spite of what I imagine you to be). Ilike both those ladies. Hope this helps. Yes the long suffering one knows I flirt--just thinks it's with Logos. But she is aware of you and remained peaceful.
  5. andave_ya's Avatar
    Countess...I'm not much of a therapist....Just want to be your friend. We're here for you, ok? ........................I think I understand what you mean about wanting to save him and symbolically save yourself. Like Frodo and Gollum, though I'm NOT implying you are one or the other. Simply that even if Gollum is repulsive, Frodo had to save him to believe that Frodo himself could come back. Though maybe the important thing to realize is that Frodo wasn't dependent upon Gollum in order to be able to live. Love and prayers.