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the freak.. part 1 of many

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sorry to have to clog up the internet with this stuff, but i am in desperate need of a rant.

i totally resent this. i'm missing him when i shouldn't be... at least, that was my concept. i thought this was nothing, and really, it wasn't supposed to be anything... but it is something. i've owned up to it, somehow. i was never supposed to like him in the first place, but now, now that i know i won't be seeing him in a long time, maybe never again (as my brother logically pointed out), a simple phrase is enough to remind me of this one time or this other time or some other time, and in my head i'm still talking to him, and when i'm alone here in the house i laugh as if i were teasing him with my obviously innocent eyes. ha. imagine that. me, innocent me, teasing him. he's probably experienced, and by experienced i mean it the way lyrics in songs do today.

i was listening to requiem (hale, above, over and beyond) just a few moments ago and i hear the line, "where are you going?" and i remember how he'd ask me that whenever he'd run into me in some unexpected place, usually wearing some unexpected thing. lol. i wasn't in uniform too much this year (and my adviser probably hates me for it, but he seemed to like it just fine). but when i saw him, i always knew what day it was. i would know, and now that i'm still debating with myself if i should write about those memories, i know the days of the week when they happened. i see him and i know. my best friend, who runs into him more than i do, says he looks like a janitor half the time. ouch! lol. really, he does. he;s not that good looking. he doesn't see me that way, or anyway, at least i think. he always think i've got some boylet around... i wanted so badly to show him that the only "boylet" i wanted was him! of course, i couldn;t show him that. i couldn't tell him that. that was wrong, and it is wrong for reasons that don;t have to do with the ancient boy-must-be-the-one-to-confess-and-girl-waits syndrome. i've never believed in that. i've told a guy i was in love with him before. but i can;t do that now. all i can do is play coy and watch him play, play tricks, play and have a good time.

i thought even back then about the possibility of him just playing around. someone once told me, "it' s obvious that he likes you, but if you're just any other one to him is the question." i prayed that i wasn't. i really don't think that i'm anyone's "any other one" but hey, that's probably just my vanity talking. but i remember this time when he saw me with my best friend--who, by the way, is a guy. i said hi, he just nodded, and looked me, or my best friend, up and down, and even while we walked past each other he turned his head and continued looking at me / us that way... at first i didn't get it; i thought i did something wrong. next i thought he found out something about me. later, when i asked my brother, he said, "he thinks you have a boyfriend." and suddenly it made sense... but why? why would he have to look at me that way? he acted sore at me for a week afterward(not that i saw him often that week, and when i did i wasn't sure if he was just ill-temepred that time or ill-tempered at me), and softened up only the day of Grad Ball--which was, oh so timely, Valentine's Day.

i had had problems that week of the seniors' ball. i wanted to ask him except there was no way to do it, and i;m not talking butterflies. i'm talking dragons--just like the one painted on my dress.

i got a chance (by some weird, amusing, funny twist of fate) to talk to him before the ball. i asked him to dance with me for the ball. he said yes. i asked him twice. he said yes twice. when he saw me he even said, "there's my girl."

i never got that dance. i also was dateless at the afterparty, and, as if to emphasize that i was alone, the seat next to mine was empty.

the next day he didn't even apologize. he just acted like nothing happened. he did that too after he missed my thesis. well. that was expected. my thesis was nothing to him. he preferred seeing me perform (but i don't think he ever saw that.. he may have seen me perform once or twice but he hadn't known me then.)

it would have been okay if he'd acted that way around me and around me only. but i suspect that that just wasn't what happened. especially not after what i found out a few weeks back. of course i can never get confirmation for any of that stuff ever, unless maybe i let my secret out a little bit. anyway, when i found out that bit of info (just a bit really, my friend left me hanging!) i knew he was a freak. he was a freak and suddenly i didn't want him so much anymore.

that was a few weeks ago. now i'm sick, sick of missing him, yet at the same time missing him. it doesn;t take much for memories and daydreams to drown me out in a massive waterfall. this time, this other time, some other time. some other time, amanda.


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Comments

  1. TexJR's Avatar
    Ouch. I feel for you.
  2. kiz_paws's Avatar
    Wow, that is really too bad, Amanda. **hugs**
  3. Sir Bartholomew's Avatar
    [I]ok lang yan. resbakan mo[/I] :lol: