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Barmy Blue's Bland Blog

Maybe Don't Read if You Want to Stay Happy (Part 1 to Catch You Up)

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So how was your new year?
I hope it was good.
I had a nice new year and a surprisingly good Christmas despite everything.
This was my first Christmas without my dad (don't worry he's not dead yet, he just can't travel far) but that was for the best given that this is also the first Christmas that I'm finally in on "the big secret" that's been kept from me for maybe the last 15-20 years.
Now. It's been a while since you last saw me. I've wanted to write this up and get all my feelings out there and all but I just couldn't be bothered/didn't want to. Then I was very busy in the run up to Christmas and then I didn't want to crap over everyone else's Christmas/New Year/holiday time. But it's daylight. I've been thinking about it and I might as well put it out there. It'll be a bit more sparse and chaotic because this is months and months of stuff and stuff.
So. I believe that when last we spoke I'd just been informed of his "big secret" and was feeling betrayed by everyone really.

He's been with another woman for a long time and my parent's separation was even further back than that and amicable. I've never much cared to know but I've also been quietly curious but you decide it's one of those you're better of not knowing situations even though nothing can be worse than the crazy stuff you imagine.
He's been accidentally calling me "Suzie" since at least my 20's so I've known that there's a person with that name somewhere.
Then some time last year he went into hospital (first time in his life it seems) and it clearly shook him up. You may need to be reminded that he has incurable prostate cancer and has steadily been going through the treatment of that and all it entails. Then, after I start asking the questions that I think I'm supposed to ask since we're his family so we need to be informed, he finally told me himself that there is a woman. He tells me her name is "Sharon" yes let's just stick with Sharon shall we and that he made her his next of kin years ago when I was at Uni so I wouldn't have to worry/be bothered if anything happened to him. Funnily enough that's actually the time that I started considering that something could happen to him and I'm an adult now so I should prepare myself to have to deal with that sort of thing. Nope. Turns out the thoughts never needed to cross my mind at all. And when he got the cancer the ideas needed refining. We'll have to do a funeral and paperwork. I don't know what but there'll be a lot of it. Mentally prepare yourself. Nope. Didn't need to worry about it at all. But that's fine. "Sharon" will probably be planning his funeral too. To be honest that's a relief really. Of people he knows who aren't us I only know his brother and two friends and I only have one of their numbers so yeah. "Sharon" probably knows more of what he'd want and who to invite.

Then later on he reveals to me in a roundabout way that "Sharon" is our old family friend "Shaz" who we lost touch with maybe 15-20 years ago. But he doesn't man up and tell me directly. No. He cowardly name drops her two children while casually going on about Christmas. About how he comes to us and she goes to her kids. And then carries on talking about Christmas while I'm going through an existential crisis that mu mum is witnessing but can't help with and then my world shatters further realizing that she knew too and that I've been kept completely in the dark until the age of 33 and that I wouldn't even have been told about it if my dad hadn't had the sudden and horrific shock that he really is going to die and it could happen sooner than he thinks because he accidentally dehydrated himself because he mixed up the doctor's instructions. He's been varying levels of not as good as before ever since due to one thing and another.

So. That's where I left you.

Well some time after. I forget when and I'm not going to look it up now. When was Bake Off on? it was the 2nd-3rd episode of that. Or The Goes Wrong Show. The first one of the year. So when ever that was.

I was going trough lets call it "female time" and I figured hey now's as good a time as any to have this out because I don't have the energy nor desire to piss about.
Mum. Did you know?
Yes and no. It was never directly questioned/answered nor confirmed but it's one of those things you just know. He didn't have many friends so it wasn't a great leap of logic to figure he'd go to her at some point.
There are various other things spotted around.
Does he have any other kids? (She knows I've wondered this before I knew and reassured me then but it's definitively and always has been no)
She didn't tell me because it was his business to tell me. He never did.
So what was with that whole "her name's "Sharon" bull****?" No idea. He's an idiot. Same goes for how he told me who "Sharon" is because i didn't fully explain it to her then.
Is this why we lost touch?
Basically yes. Last time we went to see them ("Shaz" and kids (my best friends)) the kids were out and the grown ups were talking without me and mum got the impression that "Shaz" was uncomfortable with us being there. We were dropping off Christmas presents for her and the kids (as you do for friends) and she gave us presents and then we parted never to meet again. Well I tell a lie. Later on she turned up with another present randomly. I don't remember much of any of this so I'm relying on my mum's recollection. She thinks Shaz felt guilty and after that decided to cut ties with her. Which brought about a new set of problems. Me.
She tells me that she didn't really feel anything about the idea of them together but she did feel angry for me. Breaking ties with Shaz meant breaking ties with her two kids who had been my friends forever. Because that's how it it when You hand your friends have kids, their kids become friends with your kids and as far as the kids are concerned this has always been the way.
So yeah. I lost two friends. I can't say we'd have stayed friends without all that. We were growing up and would've gone our separate ways. Or at least I would. I was resistant to growing up and giving a **** about the world of boys and makeup like most girls my age so odds are we would've drifted.
But that time was a very important time for me because that is when I started to pull away from what remaining friends I had. Then go into "big school" and fail to make new friends because I was abnormal to become a 33 year old who has no friends, barely any family and lives at home doing nothing all day.
I'm not saying that it would have been the same if I'd been able to keep those two friends. Just that if we'd known how I'd turn out back then we'd have tried harder to stop it and maybe things would've been better but they could have been equally worse. You never know.
I digressed a bit.
The other thing regarding me is that I kept asking why we didn't see Shaz and her kids anymore. I can't remember specifics but I do remember asking more than once. Eventually I stopped asking. Thinking about that now breaks my heart because at the time mu mum's heart must have been breaking and I feel so bad but I shouldn't because how was I to know but I still feel bad.
I can't hate my mum for keeping secrets from me. She's a saint for putting up with me. She doesn't think it a hardship because I'm her baby and she loves me but I hate my existence with a deeper and deeper....hatred? I guess. That sentence got away from me there.

But there's one person I hate more than any other.
My dad.
I went through this resentment of him for not being around and being a crap dad and that carried into my 20's and it's only in my late 20's/early 30's that I've thought get over it already. You're not 16 anymore.
And especially since the cancer. Just let ALL of that go. Enjoy the time you do have with your dad.
And then THIS.
This revelation has done something. I'm not completely sure what.
Is it too strong to say it's killed any love I had for my dad? I'm not sure. I don't really know how I felt. Did I love my dad? I love my dog. I know that for a fact. I just do. I love my mum. No doubt about that. I HAVE to love her because she's my mum and I also love her BECAUSE she's my mum. But my dad. I HAVE to love him because he's my dad. But he barely exists in my life so I don't really see him as a dad. Well as a proper one. Does that make sense? He exists. And there are a lot of people in the world who don't even have a dad. Or they have dads that are REALLY bad, like abusive bad. But does just existing as an entity and NOT being notable abusive make you a dad? Does it make you someone I choose to love and not just have to?
Since the cancer I've said I/we love you when we hang up because I didn't want to regret not saying it when he died. And I say it to my mum regularly. And I did feel concerned for his wellbeing and I've even started seeing his point of view. Some times I'd look around and think to myself "no wonder he left us".
But now I've been told this secret that wasn't really a secret it's just something that everyone knew except for me I feel so ****ing stupid.
Now I know the thing that I just wasn't told for however long it was.
I can't feel anything towards my dad. Only resentment.
All those old feelings are back but stronger. It's like years of resentment compressed into a tight, heavy spiky ball.
I didn't want to speak to him. I certainly didn't want to see him and to make matters worse he never noticed but I don't want him to notice becasue clearly I don't completely not care. He's stated that he was a good. Dad. I had to fight so hard not to laugh down the phone.
Don't let him know how you really feel. NEVER let him know. He's only got a few years at best. Let him be happy. DON'T SAY IT/ DON'T SAY ANYTHING. HOLD. IT. IN. Until he dies. Then you'll need a therapist.

So clearly I still care. But that's all the care I can muster for a dying man. Don't tell him he was a **** father. Don't tell him that you feel nothing towards him but hatred. Don't let him see that every time he brings up Shaz and her family (because now I know he'll talk about them openly, more on that to come) it hurts you. It cuts you deeper than you ever thought possible. DON'T LET HIM KNOW. Just let him die happily. Just not too happily.
I guess that's the other reason I haven't written this before. What if he somehow found it. I doubt he would. But what if he's smarter than I give him credit for? I doubt it tough. The man doesn't even research his own condition and then thinks I'm a genius for knowing medical words and that I could have been a doctor just for Googling a word.

Since I started feeling this way I've been hoping it will settle down. Just work through my issues but please let it go away before he dies. I don't want to feel nothing at my father's death. Can we not just go back to how it was before I knew, when I actually cared how he felt and didn't feel a hideously sadistic pleasure or just nothing at all when he tells me how bad he's feeling.
He's on chemo now by the way. And the cancer's spread to his liver and lungs. My first split second thought was good. Followed by revulsion and condemnation but without a reversal. It's either good or nothing. It should be bad. It should be.

Of course because he doesn't know he ends up making it harder and harder to give a flying **** about him.

One point he ended up mentioning kids then hastily reassuring me that it's Shaz's grandkids and that he doesn't have any others lying around. Hearing him say it reassured me less. Besides my mum got there first. Because she actually KNOWS me. And spends time with me. And I, occasionally, TALK to her about what BOTHERS me because I love and TRUST her. I didn't much trust my dad before. But now I don't trust him at all. Any time he tells me something truthfully I cant help thinking is that REALLY the case?
I had no response. So I just flatly admitted that I had previously wondered about that. Key word being PREVIOUSLY. And he went straight into how he's never lie to me about something like that. I', his child and ONLY child and he's never lied to me.
I had to hold in a laugh.
You ****ing LIAR!!!!
Clearly you don't know what a lie of omission is. I had to look it up to be sure.

Sure. You'd never lie to my face. You'd never lie DIRECTLY. But you wouldn't tell me the whole truth. It it lying if you just don't say something? Well technically no. But if that not saying something allows/causes the person to think that something different is going on then I'd say that's a lie.
You'd never lie to me you say.
Then what the **** was that "her name is Sharon" bull****? I did think it was an odd coincidence. In fact wouldn't it be weird if it was Shaz? but to be fair there are many MANY women in the world called Sharon so it would be pretty arrogant to assume that the only Sharon in existence is the Shaz you used to know. in fact it can't be her because if it was he wouldn't have said Sharon would he? He'd have said it's Shaz. You remember Shaz? Now that's telling the ****ing truth.

So yeah. There was that.