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Barmy Blue's Bland Blog

Maybe Don't Read if You Want to Stay Happy (Part 2 The Christmas Bit)

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.....Because I went over the word count as per usual.

We met up before Christmas because he wanted to. We had a meal. Me, my mum, Him and his brother. I wasn't super comfortable about it what with the pandemic and all and it would be inside a building, an eatery of course. I'd have rather sat outside but all three of them are old and have their own health issues and it was cold so I wasn't going to fight anyone on this.

That's the first time I've seen him since my birthday. The first time since I've finally been told the truth.
At one point he talked openly about THEM.
Shaz's daughter is pregnant. Expecting their third baby.
Shaz's sister was misdiagnosed with lung cancer and went through all the treatment so she talks him through things when he needs to.
COOL. I DIDN'T KNOW SHE HAD A SISTER. HOW NICE. (Additionally I' have thought about the irony of it. My dad the non-smoker gets cancer. Shaz the chain smoker surely aught to at least be at risk of lung cancer. Best not to wish cancer on people though. That's dangerous energy to put out there. She MUST have quit smoking. He wouldn't live with a smoker? Would he? He did growing up. He's the only one in his family who didn't smoke and that's only because he didn't like it. I can pad this all out now as I'm no a second entry. Might as well make it worth it)
They haven't seen her for two years because they can't go up to Scotland (what with everything and all)
BOO ****ING HOO. I HAVEN'T SEEN MY FAMILY (the family I actually genuinely care about and always have) FOR TWO YEARS EITHER.
Of course I say nothing. I have nothing to put my feelings into. I should've brought a squeezy toy but I don't want to handle stuff to much what with the pandemic and all. I haven't had my booster yet. (I've had a cold on and off and then there was Christmas/new year and now "female time" and the cold is still on and off but I think I'll get on it once "female time" is done and I'm feeling fresher. Gives me a little more time to exercise my arm muscles. I feel like it's a smart thing to do, to have some good muscle to inject into rather than noodle arms. I wonder if better than no exercise muscle might make things work better or heal quicker or something. And if nothing else it's an excuse/motivation to exercise at least)
So I put my frustrations into tearing up a napkin when he brings them up. Of course he doesn't notice (I think he might be a psychopath. Or maybe he's somewhere near the Spectrum. I think I'm near to it at least and if I am chances are he is to. Either way I think there's something a bit off with both of us) I don't think his brother noticed or if he did not much. He'd probably have thought I was just bored. My mum noticed. Of course she did. I wasn't hiding it.

He called on Christmas Eve to say hi. No idea why since he insisted I call him Christmas Day (because he couldn't be here this year but wants some semblance of normality. Things will never be normal again old man).
It was a BIG mistake. Why. Why the hell did he do it?
He called to chat a bit, despite the fact that I'd be calling tomorrow as instructed, but he was distracted. Because Shaz's grandkids are there. A boy and a girl. The girl is 4. The boy is younger I think. They've been climbing over the sofa and drawing and stuff. Their mum is in hospital because she's had the baby. Isn't that just great.
It's worth noting that quite often when we've spoken lately I've been bleeding and when he's asked how I am/need me to pay attention I've mentioned that it's "female time" so I'm not super great at the moment. He seems to have taken this to mean that there's something wrong with me. Add that to the fact that I've stated that he's not getting grandkids/I'm not having children this seems to have firmed things up in his mind that there's something wrong with me. There isn't as far as I know except that I'm aging. There are a few reasons you're not getting grandkids. 1 I don't socialize with ANYONE unrelated to me so it kind of makes any kind of baby making relationship (even a casual one) nonexistent right now. 2 It takes me a long time to trust someone enough to hug. I don't kiss. So how long do you thing I have to get to know someone to engage in any kind of baby making? 3 I have little to no trust in people and, especially now, little to no trust in men and I'm not about to raise a baby alone dear god I'm still basically a giant child myself. 4 Even if my some miracle I overcame these obstacles and did conceive you have a very limited lifespan you'd be lucky to see the offspring before you die. And I'm getting older which steadily reduces fertility and chances of a healthy pregnancy/childbirth. Sure I'm only 33 now but given what I've already listed it'll take time to overcome all that.
But all that's not really good dinner conversation and it gets into subjects I'd rather avoid because I don't want to bring him down in his dying years.
But. Given that he's got it into his head that there's something wrong with my ability to have/make children WHY THE **** WOULD YOU COMPARE MY CHILDLESS EXISTENCE TO SOMEONE WHO IT CLEARLY INCREDIBLY FERTILE AS A ****ING RABBIT? (Things like this is why I think he's a psychopath or at least has trouble understanding social conventions. Knowing what you THINK you know about me why would you parade the fact that someone I used to know who is my age has 3 kids, as if to say look at that, that could/should be you. He's at least given the impression that he's okay with my choices providing I get a job at least. Maybe the meds are messing with his brain. But he was always clueless, about my feelings at least)

And then. To add final insult to injury. On CHRISTMAS EVE when Christmas is a time for children and I miss my childhood and don't have my own children to enjoy this time with and my family is slowly dwindling and I miss them and I'm missing seeing their kids growing up.
He calls the girl over. He tells her he's on the phone with his daughter (who she has never met and has probably never heard of and even if she has she's forgotten because I remember having the brain of a sieve when I was that age).
He tells her to say hello to me. AND SHE DOES. In that way a child does when they have no idea what's going on but the grown up they trust tells them to.
THE BASTARD DID THIS WITH ME TOO. HE HAD ME RECITE A WHOLE BEST MAN SPEECH WHISPERING IN MY EAR. Aawww isn't it cute the sweet little girl is doing a speech and has no idea what's going on. Sweet.
So she says hello.
I have never hated a child more in my life. YOU CAN'T WISH HARM ON A CHILD.
All I can do is say hello back and pray that this will be over because I'm going to cry.
He says she can't hear me. I guess it's because she doesn't actually have the phone and it ends. He chats a bit more.
Oh. By the way. This is a cute and fun thing I DEFINATELY want to hear. The kids call him Granddad Napoleon (subbed for his actual name here) but he tells them he's not Granddad, he's Napoleon. But they insist on calling him Granddad Napoleon because they're only little and don't know any better. Hahahahahahaha. Wow. I really REALLY wanted and needed to know that. I'M SO HAPPY TO KNOW THAT.
Okay bye. Okay bye. Bye then. You can't be too eager to hang up or he'll think something's wrong.
Yeah sure we love you bye.
Love you has never been so forced,
Well there goes decorating the tree. I need to calm down. (he'd called half way through tree decorating)
I have NEVER wished harm on a child.
I have never felt such HATRED towards a child.
And it's not her fault but she can **** off to Hell with the rest of them.
They're dead to me. Not my dad. He has to stay because he's my dad but he's hanging on by a thread. The rest of them can go to hell. They're dead to me. They're all dead to me. I care nothing for them. I care nothing for their kids. I want NOTHING to do with any of them EVER!!!
Then I called him on Christmas day as ordered. I kind of hoped to call during dinner and ruin it but you need to be careful with things like that. He might get everyone to say hello like it's all good and we're all friends and everything's alright. No. Better to get it out of the way now. They're still unwrapping presents. How nice. Okay Merry Christmas bye then.

However. After all that. Christmas was kind of nice and I didn't have to contact him again until new year. I used the time to watch films I haven't seen before. Mostly happy stupid family films like Frozen and Pirates! In an Adventure With Scientists. Because I always get sad at Christmas. Maybe it's just winter. Maybe it's longing for Christmases past or the amount of happy families on tv be it shows, films and/or ads that makes you think about how sad and pathetic your existence is.
We didn't have to rush around trying to get things done before he arrived. I'd planned to go out for a little walk on my own to sort of replicate when I'd go out in the day with my dad to see my uncle but it was raining and I really REALLY needed/wanted to wash my hair and because I had the time I did. So yeah. I washed my hair on Christmas day. We had dinner a little later than usual. By the time I started eating it was a little cool in some places but it was still nice. We took dinner at our own pace. We didn't do out little morning presents thing because I did my hair then we had to do dinner so all presents were rolled into an after dinner session. It was really nice. We also got to let dinner settle as much as we wanted before pudding. We didn't have to work to anyone else's time. I harvested all of my carrots for dinner. They're a short variety for shallow soil like window boxes. I was kind of saving them for Christmas so it was nice to have them. They tasted good. Like carrot but somehow a bit stronger than store bought carrots I guess. I was very proud. Some of them had gotten quite big.
I didn't get sad this year though. Not over Christmas at least. Hopefully next year I can see my family. The kids are growing and we're missing it. I still have presents for them from 3 years ago.

Updated 01-05-2022 at 07:01 PM by Bluebiird