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Barmy Blue's Bland Blog

Just a Slight Wobble This Time

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We recieved a package out of the blue today. We don't get packages normally anyway but to get one now would be like seeing a wild unicorn.
I had no clue. Mum figured it out pretty quick.
It's from the sister of the aunt who died.
It's shoe box sized, because it is a shoe box.
Took a while to open with my overcaution in overdrive what with it still being a pandemic and all. Didn't want to wait 3 days so I hacked open the paper with a knife. Difficult to do when you refuse to put a hand or even foot on it to steady it (it was on the floor). Just the paper. The box inside was completely unharmed.
The sister has very kindly sent us some of her late sister's possessions that she thought we might want/like with a note in a card.
The items were very well packaged in bubble wrap (we used to call it poppers when I was little, fun little side note there) and the box was taped and wrapped securely (good thing too since I had to be rough with it to hack it open with cutlery on the floor. Not even a utiity knife of some kind, a food knife for regular eating of food. It needed washing anyway, that's why I used it)
We want to send a note back to her thanking her and to let her know it all arrived safely, my dad also said we should (we all agree) but he suggested a card. Maybe I could make her a nice one to really convey my, our, appreciation. (why does that sound sarcastic to me? It's completely genuine. Now that sounds sarcastic. Oh screw it I know I'm sincere who gives a crap how it sounds)
Enclosed in this box are some trinkets of my uncle (dad's brother who died about 10 years ago now. The lung cancer one. Well he HAD lung cancer but it wasn't actually that that killed him but it contributed. This deceased aunt was his wife), some things we're not quite sure why but guess they're either connected to my uncle and/or aimed at my dad and some photographs.
The first thing we see that explains very clearly why this is for us is my graduation photo. There are some other pictures of little me. Pictures from their wedding and pictures from my parent's wedding. Seems my uncle took some pictures that my parents didn't have.
Obviously this whole thing makes me feel emotion.
Then of course I think to myself we should go over this with my dad. Oh yeah. He's in isolation. When he gets out then. But what if... oh **** don't think about that again. I didn't think of it too deeply.

By the way. I meant to put an update on that but I guess I forgot.
There was a mix up and his appointment was actually a week later. So he's just now gone into his 2 week mandatory isolation. He spent the previous week working but now he's inside again. Also I have an optician appointment in the same week. They were closed save for emergencies until this week. I'm doubting my second pair of glasses idea. Glasses are expensive afterall. Well, every day day to day glasses that need to hold up to daily wear and tear. Maybe I'll make inquiries. How about you get a job then you can get a second pair no problems? Oh there's a can of depressive worms I'd best not open now. Well it's already open. Don't go any further down that deep dark rabbit hole? Anyway.
Since he's isolating now we call him for a chat about the box. It would be better if her were here in person to see the things but we are where we are. And I don't want to miss these conversations if he were to.........have complications...... So yeah.
Turns out this wasn't spontaneous to him.
When my aunt died the sister spoke to my dad and asked if he wanted anything. And he'd answered along the lines of any pictures, things like that, mainly for my benefit. Something mostly for me to have.
Either he actually knows me better than I thought or it's just a common thing.
I like physical memories.
What I mean is physical objects of memories.
Pictures in particular are most common and eaisest to share, everyone knows that. (though you need the context for ones you weren't there for, like my parents' wedding pictures and objects you don't know. That's why it's better to look over and discuss them in person if you can)
Usually the physical objects I remember are lost.
I remember a gummy mouse. Blue and "clear" you know, gummy colours. I think mouse but I called it a rat. For some reason there were gummy rats available at their wedding reception. For some reason (despite being the shy little thing I was and still am, though it's worse now) I went up to random adults tellign them I was going to keep it as a pet. Until I got to my mum who wasn't going to deal with the fallout from that situation and pointed out that it'll get all sticky and horrible (because it's a gummy sweet afterall) so eventually I decided she was right, and it wouldn't be right to put it down anywhere, since it's food and all and I've been handling it, so I ate it. Only a little regret. Then forgot about it as children do. Until a random adult asked where my rat was. I say matter of factly that I ate it. "Aw, I thought you were keeping it as a pet" and THEN I felt bad about it. It passed quickly enought though. That is one of the defining memories when I realised that other people's reactions/opinions mattered to me for some reason.
I was very little. So my memories of those times are vague and hard to pin down.
No there wasn't a picture of me and my rat, it's just something I remember.
Something I didn't remember is a picture of me curled up asleep in a chair. It must be from the reception unless I wore that dress another time. Who took a picture of me napping?
My dad was busy when we called. I used the house phone since we're trying to limit usage on mine. Just before lockdown we asked to switch to pay as you go (with the same provider) but keep my number. We recieved a sim card but it seems like it might have a different number. We have never changed phone contract/services in our lives (That's not me being grandiose and saying we to sound important. We as in this household) so we're not sure how to proceed and have just left it until later which means nothing's actually changed and we're still getting billed as before. Anyway.
I hate having to dial a number because I'm always terrified I'll get it wrong. Dyscalculia popping up again......wait. Did I ever go into that on here? I get confused by numbers. Number dyslexia basically. Mum too to a degree. I've always had a promlem with it.
I used the house phone (hence dialling the number. I think the phone's older than me too). I thought I should text first but I'm trying not to use my phone too much and if I'd texted him he'd just call without reading it so it would defeat the purpose. Mum said to just call him.
So I did.
I knew exactly what would happen. He'd be busy and not answer. Then do i text? No. He'll call before I do. Just leave a voice message so he knows there's NOT a problem (we usually only call him if there's a problem).
Now the next thing I hate. Leaving voice messages. i hate it and usually don't do it but I figured it was best if I did, though I know exactly what's going to happen. He'll call and not listen to it first.
Just as I get to my desk the phone rings. Too quick for him to have heard the message (I wasn't that fast recording it) "what's wrong?"
You didn't hear the message? (stupid question but worth a try anyway)
No. I have it but I got through to you first.
He was working apparently.
I'm not sure how. Doing stuff around the house?
Something about it's okay for him to go between his house and car? No clue.

He'll call back later tonight for a chat but he did get chatting with mum (by which I mean thinking of something to say that we've already heard. This time was mostly new stuff but normally his conversations are, call for a thing, I engage in additional conversation, he brings it round to something he already told us last time, says bye, thinks of something else to say and it continues. Did I mention any of this before? Normally I stop listening but since the diagnosis I've decided, for now, that I might as well listen because I'll miss his voice when he's gone and I don't hear it that often anyway. Last time it was 4 byes before the actual bye. Seems this is a thing with old people. Short term memory issues. Get used to it because it'll only get worse and besides, you'll miss it when he's gone)
He's going to have another corona test in a day or so to make sure he's fit for surgery (hospitals have to be careful afterall), something about an article about a new cancer drug that shrinks the cancer like what he's had but has a low success rate, after the exploratory surgery with urology he'll have to see the oncologist for his cancer treatment and he got a letter from the consultant who started all this saying that when the time is right he still needs to sort out the hernia.
Yes. Hernia.
Remember he had back problems before Christmas?
Further tests revealed a groin hernia and tests for that revealed the prostate cancer.
Apparently he's looking foreward to seeing that consultant when ever it may be to thank him. It's because of him that the cancer was discovered and he's getting treatment.
Thank you Mr Hernia Consultant (It's a man I'm told, I'm not being sexist here)


  1. mtpspur's Avatar
    Having trouble with the log in but glad to see oyu still here after all these years. I pop in every now and again. Sorry about your father but glad you're still here writing up a storm as usual.