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Barmy Blue's Bland Blog

I think there was something else. Can't remember what it is

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I'm trying to grow some vegetables. I have tomato, pepper and pea shoots so far. It will be interesting to see if I can get anything out of them.

I friended a few other family members on Facebook to be in contact if need be, see how they're doing and so on, let them know how we are. Why didn't you friend them before? Well. As much as I appreciate Facebook as a way to keep in touch with people I mostly hate it. I hate the nonsense I see that means nothing to me. I hate the random videos and posts that my friends have "liked" or commented on that don't interest me. Just because I'm "friends" with someone soesn't mean I care that they're interested in going to a concert in Leeds or they like a random video of someone making a cake that looks like a Kitkat. Personally I just care about the simpler things. Are they okay. How are the kids doing. And on one occasion "ah I'm invited to the kid's 1st birthday. Gah strange place strange people. Anxiety. Ah. Okay. I recognise some of these faces. These two are friends of the mother. They seem good friends. This is a cousin of the father. Okay. I'm not as uncomfortable as I would be because I've seen the faces of some of these strangers before so it's not just a sea of faces I don't know.

I'm sleeping in too long.

Going to bed too late.

I'm obsessively counting rolls of toilet paper (We ran out the week before the shelves were picked clean so we got our usual amount ((a cheap pack of 36. We're now halfway through)) and I've been rationing it) It's 3 sheets per use. I'd prefer one use but sometimes 2-3 are needed so it becomes 6-9 sheets total. This is where I envy men. Less need to wipe on a normal day and especially with my current concerns. You have no idea how lucky you are not to have a ueterus. It's very hard to ration tiolet paper when going to the toilet looks like a crime scene...which is also accompanied by diarrhoea too. Oh what joy.
For digestive concerns I invested in wipes. They claim to be flushable but I don't flush them. We've had problems with that over here. Seems the european standard of flushable isn't the same as the UK standard because we still have a mostly Victorian sewer system. I never did like the idea of tiolet wipes when they came out. The idea is good. You feel nice and fresh but the thickness concerned me. I thought how is this flushable? Turns out it wasn't. We didn't flush them. We binned them. Then we didn't bother with them. But now it seemed smart. These are marked as flush safe for the UK and the're pretty thin so I think they will break up as expected. But why take the chance? They claim to be biodegradable too so that's good. You can also fold them over way more times than toilet paper. One wipe = 10+ sheets if you're smart about it.

I started it like this so as to put things you might not want to read further down and off the preview of the entry. Let's hope it was enough before I started writing about periods and toilet wipes.

Social isolation for the socially anxious. What's it like? For me, exactly the same as it was before but now I have more reason to be paranoid of other people.

Hello. I'm checking in. No. I am not dead. Things have been moving in recent months. Most recently my aunt died (this is my father's sister-in-law. The widow of the uncle with lung cancer). Turns out she had pancreatic cancer. Pretty bad it seems. We don't have the full details on the subject. She went into hospital. Not sure if it was for the cancer or more "recent issues". Not long after she died. Don't actually kknow what of. Would have been inapropriate to ask too much.
Obviously we did not attend the funeral, given "current issues" but her sister wrote to us and sent us a copy of the service. It sounds like it was nice and it seems that close family were able to attend. I'm grateful for that.
There is one unsettling thing about it. This was around the time of my birthday. That itself doesn't bother me. What did unsettle me was that she died just before my birthday and had my birthday card sitting there ready to be posted. After she died her sister sent it to me.
I felt unsettled because 1) this is the last card I will ever recieve from her and 2) most importantly, I hope it didn't play on her mind in hospital. If it were me then I'd be obsessing about it. But she's not me so I hope that it didn't cause her the slightest bother as she had far more important things to worry about.
I wondered how I should feel about the situationand decided how I feel is completely irrelevant. If I feel anything it should be gratitude and leave it at that.

In other depressing news.
My dad has prostate cancer.
We found out just before "current issues" and it gave me a lot of worry at the start. But so far he's on hormones so his immune system should be as healthy as it would be normally. What ever normal would be. It's not being surpressed is my point.
So I calmed down about that.
Then he lets us know that he's tested positive for "current issues" Oh heck.
But that was a while ago now and last we heard he was getting over it.
In regards to the cancer.
He could have 4-10 years. He seems to have accepted it well enough.
As he sees it he's lived a good enough life, he's past the age other relatives of his lived to (many were smokers though so that's not surprising) and he's seen me grow to adulthood.
I don't know if he has any hopes of grandchildren. He's probably of the mindset that if it happens then it happens, if not then never mind.
So. When ever I get sad and a little thought slips into my head I have something else to think about now.
Fear not. I've never actually been suicidal. The thought, when I feel particularly low and oh what do I do with my life and so on the thought is you could always kill yourself. It's always met with oh **** off. So don't worry in regards to that. I've just worried that one day it would seem like a more tangible option. But now I have another reason to say **** off to that idea. The reason is that now I can't willingly die before my dad. Since I am one of his greatest achievements in life it would be evil to take that away in the time he has left.
I've always known. I say always. Maybe not in childhood. But since my teens definately. I've been aware that everythign dies and everything around me will change and that (assuming the natural order of things plays out) I will outlive my parents, just as they outlived theirs and so on.
It's just that it's always been some unknown time/circumstance way off into the future. To have a rough time it will happen is kind of scary.

I've kind of lost the flow of things here. The social isolation/anxiety bit was written first until you get to this point. The list of stuff from tomatoes to toilet wipes was done second and it's in Notepad since I still don't have Word yet. Barely use it you see. So haven't bothered to sort it out. There were other things I could say. Want to say. But for now I can't think of anything.
I mostly just wanted you to know I'm alive and have some things written down. My diary and journal are harder to find a specific thing. On this I can search key words.

Oh. Additionally I'm trying to use internet less/go on during more quiet times (in the UK at least) what with people working from home/entertaining their families. Apparently it was something to consider as I've been told internet usage has gone up by my provider. Of course it would.

What do you think the world will be like when this is all over? I think about the same. Some difficulties to start off. Things hopefully settle down over the next few years and eventually it just becomes another page in history like the World Wars and Plague. Human beings are simple creatures at heart.
Also I chose to say "current issues" rather than any of the key words associated with crappy virus that's caused this whole mess we're in now.

Updated 04-26-2020 at 01:17 AM by Bluebiird



  1. tailor STATELY's Avatar
    Be well... always enjoy your posts.

    Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
  2. Buh4Bee's Avatar
    I talk to people and we all sound the same. It feels like a kinda randomness but it is all centered around the virus. Hopefully, the restrictions will start to be lifted in your country. That great news that your dad id recovering even with an underlying condition.