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Barmy Blue's Bland Blog

It Started With Sausages?

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Did it really start there? Maybe i should've said Triggered By Sausages?
So. It seems that when I get a rush of emotion, be it happy or sad, I feel like I'm about to cry. I hate crying. That's why I hold it in until I'm alone and preferably in the dark in my room, it feels comforting somehow.
Today I had a moment.
I didn't actually cry. I didn't feel like I was in danger of crying.
It was just something that made me think and I thought if I were in a more vulnerable state at that time I'd have wanted to cry.
As it happens I'm pretty okay at the moment (as long as I don't start thinking about unhappy things) so I just felt a slight catch in my throat and pushed the thought away lest it make me too unhappy.
Father's Day is next week.
We never bother with it. My dad doesn't care.
This year there's an ad campain twinning Father's day with a prostate cancer charity.
Makes perfect sense.
Any other time that's all I'd think.
But now I think
Oh. That's a bit close to the bone. (My dad now has prostate cancer. He's on hormones and so far the numbers have gone down but it can never be removed. At the moment he's well)
And now I wonder if it'll be like this every time I encounter it.
I guess it'll be worse when he actually does die.
Given how my attitude and feelings towards him are not very close it would be very hypocritical if I broke down when he dies wouldn't it.
He's let us know that he's in mandatory isolation for 2 weeks (he'd just started taking jobs again) before he goes in for exploratory surgery to check that the cancer isn't buggering up his plumbing (I mean pee related plumbing).
He was due to see the oncologist (cancer doctor, cheers random clips of House for that sticking in my mind) but urology (pee related/male anatomy doctor, cheers Scrubs for that imformation. It's easy to get lost with all the different departments of the medical profession so I like when these things stick for a quicker understanding) also needed to sheck him out. And what with the "recent **** storm" (I decided to change it from "recent issues" but made it two words to be sure the censor would work. I'm also considering calling it the "recent cluster ****" which would you prefer?) hospital services had to be reduced. So it was decided that urology have their turn since his treatment is going well SO FAR (I always need to follow such statements with so far, asuming all is well so as not to tempt fate. I was doing it beofre but moreso now) oncology are holding off until next month.
Now. It's just routine exploratory surgery. There shouldn't even be any kind of cutting.
Just a camera up the lets say pee hole and see what they find.
So you don't need to have ANY worries AT ALL.
Well yes and no.
EVERY surgery no matter how minor carries a risk and I make sure never to forget that.
This will be done under general anasthetic which is basically controlled poisoning. There is ALWAYS a risk no matter how small.
I remembered this for my Mum's eye surgery and my dog's spaying and later assorted lumps removal surgery (none were found to be cancerous, She's just getting old which is the reason for my heightened concern for anasthesia in the later surgery). And I remind myself of it regularly now.
My dad's attitude is if it needs to be done then okay. You're the doctors. You know what you're doing. Just to be clear I feel EXACTLY the same way about it. But I can't help trying to prepare myself for the worst outcomes so hopefully it won't hit me as hard if and when it actually happens.
For the past few years I've been thinking about the dog.
She's 12 now. Her teeth are rotten (we've given her a dental "teeth cleaning" chew almost every single day since we've had her. Turns out it's all lies. Well that's a bit harsh. Maybe they DELAYED the tooth rotting but couldn't stop it. But it's no substitute for brushing their teeth it seems. She does not like me brushing her teeth. To begin with she'll put up with me because she knows it's easier than fighting me. But only to a point. When she reaches that point (it will vary depending on both of our moods) then she'll fight. and it's a bit too late to get into it now. Her breath reeks though but I don't want to stress her constantly with trying to brush her teeth. Sigh)
For the past 3-4 years I've been reminding myself that the dog will die. And every moment that passes is a moment closer to death (for everything and every one. It is the only true fact in life is that EVERYTHING that lives WILL die. Just hopefully after a long and full life with a peaceful end). It makes me sad. I've thought about it so often that I've decided I should stop fretting over it and try to make the most of her while she's still alive.
And I've always been aware that my parents will die eventually (well. ever since I've had a good enough understanding of death) and I even imagined how the funerals might go (I think that was in my 20's) just to get used to the concept. But it was always that's in the future. Don't think about it too much.
But as I said last time. With the diagnosis now my dad has a cap on his life expectancy. 4-10 years (assuming something else doesn't get him first).
And with that comes the thoughts that I HAVE to start having. How will this work out? What will we do if/when that happens? It's worth noting that if we have ANY problem with the house we call him. He's a builder. If there's a leak. Tell him and he'll tell us if he's going to fix it, get a mate to fix it or if we should call someone. Car problems same thing. computer problems same thing. Electrical problems, cracks, the roof. If it's something that we think is a problem (most things we don't bother him with but if we think it's a problem) we call him. And usually he'll either deal with it a few weeks or just tell us to monitor it and he'll have to fix it "some time" well old man some time is now no time because some problems YOU can't deal with now since you're not allowed to do ANY heavy lifting (also you just got old) because the cancer got out of your prostate and into your bones. You should have had a REGULAR ****ING CHECKUP!!!!!!!!! Although I can't get mad really. I actively decline smear tests for the same reason. I don't like the idea of doctors poking around inside me.
Ah. Well that was unexpected.
Back to the point.

So the moment I had today.
Not really worth mentioning at this point.
A packet of sausages.
I got sausages last week. Regular packaging. No problem. (I say last week. It's over a week. Our shopping days are more spaced out now and don't follow a set pattern. But it's about a week and a half I guess. I say last week for simplicity)
Today, as Father's day is next week and the idea of a barbecue is a traditionally masculine thing I guess, and it's Summer.
A packet of sausages has a thanks Dad Father's Day message.
Oh yeah. I have a dad. Oh yeah. He's dying. Oh yeah. He's due to have surgery. Oh ****. I felt a catch in my throat. That's it. That's all. Let's just get away from these sausages and think about shopping huh? Good thing I'm not feeling emotional now. It's actually after that that I noticed I had slight stomach discomfort (from a peanut butter sandwich, it's heavy, and slight constipation. I've noticed I feel slight discomfort after eating breakfast. Doesn't seem to matter what. First meal sits there for a while. Just existing and reminding me it's there. It might be to do with what and when I eat. Because I try to use the internet during more quiet times I come on in the early morning (but I end up staying until afternoon so I'm not really helping anything) and it's also when mum goes to bed it's the olny time I have completely to myself/ But because of that I'm going to bed at 2-4pm but I have to get up at least by 11pm to walk the dog. So I eat dinner for breakfast. Then don't eat for a while. Then end up eating a breakfast/lunch type meal along with too many snacks when I'm on here. Not good. It also means I'm going to bed in daylignt so I'm missing out on some sunshine too. And if you tell me to just go to bed earlier. Well yes. I should. But then I'm too tired for the things I want to do later. Mostly watching a daily reruns of Taskmaster (love that show) and catching the repeat of the Joy of Painting at 1-1:30am.It's very calming. I think my granddad would have loved it if it had existed in his time. He did painting when he was younger. We have some hung up.)
Ah. i digressed again.
Remembering Dad's dying. Emotions. Not too bad but still. Let's just get away from these sausages and not think about it. What shopping do we need/want?
Then I think to myself. Ah. That sinking feeling in my chest (only slightly) and that slight catch in my throat. That's emotion. But this is sad emotion. Last time I felt it in Tesco ti was stronger and it was when I was telling the story of when I showed mt little cousin how to say hello to a cat and he was so happy that he got to stroke the cat. It made me so happy and in retelling I felt a sudden catch in my throat and the slightest pricking in my eyes. But that's happy. Not sad. I was at the end of the story anyway so I abruptly stopped and got back to sorting shopping. No one noticed. But I made a mental note. Ah. It happens with happy too. I guess this can happen with sudden and strong emotion for me. i need to remember that. Lest i suddeny start crying for no reason at some time (well. Maybe not actually crying but looking like I'm about to which would be just as bad. A well meaning person will ask if you're alright and draw attention to you. I don't wany attention at any time but especially not a time like that).
Back to the sausage emotions again.
I wonder to myself as I leave the meat aisle, if I were in a more emotionally vulnerable state today would the reaction have been stronger? like the cat story? Would I have had to fight back a physical response?
And then I wonder will that happen a lot now until the inevitable end? I barely gave Father's Day a second glance. Now it's a pinprick in my mind. And when he actually does die will I burst into tears in front of the sausages and spend half an hour in hysterics as half the people avoid me like the plague and the other half try to help and make it worse and forever after I will randomly recall that embarassing sausage crying moment and cringe to think of it?
(Although I keep saying sausages I mean in a broader sense anything "Dad"/protsate/cancer/train/builder related that might trigger me. I kept it on the sausages because i imagine today's setting but with a different set of circumstances)
Bit hypocritical. Sure he's you're father but it's not like you're close to the man. Most of your good memories are from early childhhood and the rest are just meh.
I've started saying Love you at the end of phone calls. I don't think I'd have ever said it since childhood. But i know I'll regret it if I don't now. I think that's surprised him. ****. It's here again.
i was crying at dog rescue videos. Then i decided to write this up.
I think it's something I'll want to remember in the future. It's passed now. Just a slight throat lump and eye wartering.

I'm not looking for advice and/or sympathy. It'll probably make me feel weird.
I just like noting my feelings.
It might explain things in the future if I start going crazy.
I'd been thinking of actually going into the details I'd planned to last time, about being socially anxious with social distancing and how the recent cluster **** messed with the minor changes I'd started making in my life.

As it happens It's surprisingly easy to socially distance when you have social anxiety because I have no friends or close family to miss hanging out with. Seeing people in the street brings a new and justified sense of anxiety (do they have the **** storm and will they give it to me or do I have it and not know and will I give it to them? (Because of how I worded that I thought **** storm would be a better choice of words) but it's usually okay because some will cross over rather than pass me (I am always with the dog so that helps them to choose this decision but) Now there's a bit less street crossing and I'm not going to do it unless I have good reason because I have enough reasons to avoid other humans. i don't want this to become a new habit once the cluster **** is over)
My (not germ phobia) just germ awareness is in overdrive.

Ah. I went on too long. But I've spent a long time typing and if I delete it I may never write it up again then it'll be one of those stupid things that haunts me for no reason. Do I dare waste the time and space of others with a part 2?