Barmy Blue's Bland Blog

Now then. I’m feeling some things and I’m not quite sure how I feel about them so I’m putting them up here so I can process a little. I should at least say thank you for the birthday thoughts and messages. Thank you I had a nice day. But that’s all I’m saying for now because I’m not it a happy mood. Sorry about that.

So we went to see my family over Easter and I’ll write that up another time. The most important thing at the moment is telling you about Rosie, my aunt’s Cavalier King Charles Spaniel. She’s 10 (by the way Yuki turned 10 this year). Rosie would turn 11 in June I think.

I’ll just put it out there so you won’t have any hope. Rosie is dead.

We went there on Sunday. They’ve been having some work done on the house. It’s a bit different and I don’t like that but the house has been the same since I was little so things had to change eventually. It’s not really a big deal, it has little to no impact on my daily life so I have to just get used to it. That’s life never mind.

Rosie was curled up asleep in her bed wrapped in a blanket. They tell us she’s not well. They think something’s wrong with her back legs. Like what? It’s not exactly clear but I can relate to general back leg issues because Yuki has, what I call, a hitch in one of her back legs. Most noticeably when she runs one leg seems to skip a little. It’s hard to explain really. It just doesn’t look right but it doesn’t seem to bother her that much. A few years ago one of her front paws seemed to lock up when mum was walking her so she’s been prescribed a daily joint supplement and we also give her a joint chew. I recently picked out a dry food that claims to promote joint health in salmon flavour (because beef and turkey are regular flavours she has and I thought she’d appreciate the change). We usually give her wet food with a mixer (which is basically a dry food but is apparently different from a regular dry food and it’s just an accompaniment to wet food) mixed in. We don’t want to suddenly change her food so we give her the new dry food occasionally. She can be quite fussy and doesn’t always eat her wet food so we give her a small serving of fresh food if she hasn’t eaten for a day or so. She’s a husky that doesn’t always have a lot of exercise so it’s normal for her to not want to eat sometimes. So that’s the other reason I got her the dry food. It’s something a little different and we can give her a snack sized amount if she hasn’t been eating. Also, as dry food, I’m thinking it won’t go bad, especially in the summer time while the wet food can go bad in a day at times. Can’t be 100% certain on that though because I’m not experienced with dry pet food, our pets have always had wet food for their regular meals. But I’ve digressed.

Thinking that Rosie’s problem could be a joint issue like Yuki’s I inquire about any joint foods/supplements she might have. They don’t give her joint treats or food. She’s fussy with her food. Well there are just some ideas. Maybe they’ll consider it.

My other cousin and her baby Simon (he’s nearly 2 now) were already there. He had to be kept away from Rosie. He’s a toddler. He’s a grabby creature and Rosie’s cautious of him as it is but if she’s not well then it’ll be even worse for her.
Oh. Forgot to mention. Rosie had cancer too. We saw her at Christmas and her head had been shaved and had a big red X drawn on it. I honestly thought for a second that a child had gotten hold of her and decided to draw on her but no. She had a lump in her jaw. It was revealed to be cancer and she was undergoing chemo for it, hence the X. Poor old thing. I’d taken a bag of small dog treats for my cousin’s two Cavaliers and planned to give one to Rosie too. I asked if she could eat alright and the answer was yes. She could eat perfectly well, even biscuits. I gave her one and she ate it fine. I’m always reminded of how old Rosie is getting when I see her with the younger dogs. They scamper around while she’s a bit slower and looks like she’d waddling/shuffling in comparison.
But despite the treatment and her age she seemed good at Christmas.

Apparently she was fine on Wednesday when my cousin took her out with her dogs and had them groomed. She was like a spring chicken.

No one’s quite sure what happened until Saturday/Sunday. In the morning she’d been howling and my aunt stayed with her, so she was pretty tired, she’s in her 80’s afterall.

I, feeling like hanging back from the rest of the family, decided to keep a regular eye on Rosie and protect her from the baby. Well he’s a toddler now. I put my bag by her bed to act as a little barrier and she ended up being walled in by bags. She didn’t seem too happy about that. I sat with her and stroked her now and then. I tried to give her a little water. I always carry bottled water in case I get thirsty when I see the family and if Rosie looks like she needs a drink. I didn’t have a convenient container so I poured a little in my hand (that’s worked for Yuki before but the difference is that she knows me and my scent so I think that helps but Rosie doesn’t. She didn’t seem interested) My cousin handed me a little chicken and Rosie livened up a little and ate the chicken. It was quite arduous because I had to break it up into tiny pieces (because she’s a tiny dog) and she kept snuffling it out of my hand. I wondered if here eyes were going or if her jaw was acting up. Apparently she seemed to be in remission for her cancer so that was good.
I got her to snuffle up a little water because I put a little water on my hand and then put a tiny piece of chicken on it.
A little after that she got restless and I considered that she might need to pee so they took her in the garden and I got to see the problem. Definitely not her legs. Even if I hadn’t seen a lot of vet programs I’d still know it wasn’t her legs. It was her balance. She stumbled around and fell over herself quite a lot. She did pee though. If it were just her legs she’d limp or skip or waddle or drag. It was her balance.
If a four legged animal has a problem with it’s balance then it’s serious. I didn’t want to upset the family by saying what I was thinking. Especially since they couldn’t get to a vet until Tuesday because of the bank holiday Monday. Either there’s a problem with her brain, spine or maybe she’s had a stroke (which affects the brain). Cavaliers can have a predisposition for heart problems. My cousin tried to have her on her lap for a while but she got restless. Tried to put her upstairs away from the noise of the family. Not having that either so she was allowed to go back to her bed. But she started barking and howling on occasion and it was breaking my heart, and I know it was doing the same to the others. She seemed to quiet down when I sat with her. When I got up she’d start again a little later. But when I stayed with her longer she still did it. She’d get restless and tried to turn in her bed but would fall over or stop half way so I started trying to support her little body when she moved to make it easier for her to move. We considered that she could be confused but I think she was also frustrated. Normally when the family go over she’s all excited to greet them at the door and she couldn’t do that now. It made me sad because I wanted to make her feel better but didn’t know/couldn’t give her what she wanted. I figured that she wanted her family. I am family but I’m not Rosie’s family, the people around her every day that she feels happy with. I wanted to tell them this but I knew it would upset them and I might be wrong. She might not calm down if they sat with her anyway. In the end my cousin picked her up again and sat with her on her lap for the rest of the evening. Rosie fell asleep again and seemed comfortable at least. Later on, when it was quieter, I could hear her snoring.

When we got home I looked up what could cause loss of balance in dogs. It’s not good. The best you can hope for is a bad ear infection. I hoped that was all but I was doubtful. Mum said she’d call on her day off to see how things went.

Well. She called today. Rosie was given some medicine and sent home (I guess while waiting for test results but I can’t say for certain) but she didn’t improve. It was neurological but we don’t know exactly what. She wasn’t drinking so she was put down. Better that than suffer.

She did well.

The average life expectancy for a Cavalier is 9-14 years so she slotted into that statistic well, especially since she’d had cancer.
Incidentally the average life expectancy for a Siberian Husky is 10-13 years. That statistic scares me. She’s 10 now.

I’ve been preparing myself to hear that Rosie died since I saw her walking (stumbling) around on Sunday. I’ve had time to get used to the idea. I only see her a few times a year so it doesn’t affect me much but Rosie is quite special to me. Having her there when we see the family makes me feel more comfortable. If I’m feeling bored or anxious I can focus on the dog. Just watch her walking around or stroke her or feed her a tiny piece of food for sitting on command. I didn’t feel as comfortable with Rosie as I do now….did. It’s only after I got my own dog that I felt confident with Rosie. It’s not like I had a phobia or anything. It’s just that I know how to interact with the dog better. I know what my dog does and doesn’t like so I have a guide for how another dog (in this case Rosie) would react to me. But yeah. No more Rosie. I’m not sure how things will be the next time we see the family. I say it took me about a year to get over the death of my cat, Henry, because it was about that long before he stopped showing up in my dreams on a regular basis. Once in a while he pops up but it’s usually a random cat that looks nothing like him and dream logic just makes it him.

I always remember that he told me that he was dying because he was meowing a strange meow I’d never heard and didn’t look very well. Similarly Rosie barked a strange bark and even howled a little, which the family said was out of character for her.

So. We got that sad news today. And then we got some more news which has hit me harder. I’m not sure if I’m angry or sad or just quietly accepting.
Mum wanted to go and get some more of Yuki’s joint supplements from the vet so she called up and he said that he had something to tell her. Ominous. Could he be retiring? He is also in his 80’s after all.

Yes. It turns out that he is but not out of choice. He’s been forced to retire. Is no longer a vet, can no longer practice vetinary medicine, cannot give treatment or dispense drugs and is basically just an average human again. If he does try to practice he leaves himself open to being sued (which I, personally, think is a bit silly. I don’t think that you go to his surgery if you’re the type that sues. In my mind people who sue are the kind of people who can afford to sue and are therefore flashier people and flashier people would go to a flashier surgery. Then again I’ve watched far television so I don’t know how the real world works.)
Why?
I’m sketchy as to the details but the way I see it you need to fulfil a certain amount of extracurricular study (to put it into secondary school terms) and, being old, he just can’t fill that requirement even though he does do some and tries to stay current he just can’t meet the targets that have been set out. So he’s had to come to a dead stop. I feel like it would have been better for all involved (mainly me because I’m a selfish creature) if he could have been allowed to wind down and step back gradually. Ideally over a few months but that’s unlikely. Even just a couple of weeks would be better than a dead stop. Even days would be better than nothing. It just feels unfair.
It’s hit me more than Rosie dying because this affects us. His surgery is conveniently located for us and he’s been our family vet for maybe 40 years. We’ve never been to another vet. We don’t even know how close another vet is to us. It’s always been reassuring having him there because even if it’s just a small problem we can go and be reassured. I’m not exactly happy if I have to go to the surgery suddenly but I’m perfectly okay with it. I know where it is, how to get there, the layout of the building and I know the staff. I also know that our vet and his staff are there because of love for the animals. It doesn’t feel like a business and it doesn’t feel overly clinical so I feel comfortable and safe and so does my dog. Just thinking that our vet won’t be there anymore is actually very upsetting. Even if the surgery stays and we just get a new vet it won’t be the same. At the moment it’s the uncertainty that is distressing me. If he had to sell out to a vet chain? That would be worse than if the surgery closed. It may be convenient for pet owners and might even be better but going into a chain intimidates me. Do they retain the same staff or are staff likely to get switched around? I like the same people. I like the familiarity. Having to interact with strangers for any reason causes me great anxiety and to trust the health and happiness of my beloved pet to a stranger. Especially since the dog makes me feel more comfortable, even if it’s just a little, with my social anxiety.

It also disturbs me that this has happened now. My dog is getting old. She is likely to have problems in the next few years and the thought of not having our old vet to turn to worries me.

I know change has to happen whether I want it or not but sudden change distresses me. I can handle things much better if changes are gradual.

Edit: 3-4 hours later and now I know how I feel about it. Sad. Depressed? I’m not 100% sure I can call it depressed but if I stay sad I can definitely get there pretty fast. Just sad for now.