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Barmy Blue's Bland Blog

Where Did My Dreams Go?

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So. Iíve gotten myself into a strange mood.
You remember a few years ago when I looked up depression and found out I just suffered low moods? Well. Iím wondering if thatís true.
Sometimes Iím happy. Sometimes Iím sad. Iím not normally sad for very long. So not clinical depression. It felt insulting to those with genuine depression to call myself depressed. Well. Iíve been thinking about things. Also I looked it up again a while ago. I believe I mentioned that before. And based on my new internet research, I may actually have depression after all. Last week I was unhappy. Iíve been irritable for a long time now. Itís noticeable, to the only other person around me. So. Last week I was sad for no real reason. A silly reason. And mum, thoroughly annoyed by my attitude in general now, finally said ďwhat have you got to be unhappy about?Ē Iíve said this many many times to myself before. So I know the answers. I just donít want to say them to anyone.
Iíve come to the conclusion that, deep down, Iím always sad. I just donít realise it. So when a silly thing happens that I shouldnít get so upset about happens it just allows me to let those feelings out.

What do I have to be sad about?
I donít work but am comfortably provided for. I have no relationships with which to have ups and downs. I have no responsibilities save for walking the dog once a day. My entire day. My entire week is nothing but free time. I have many projects with which to devote my time and many games and things to amuse me. Basically I do absolutely nothing all day every day with little to no ramifications.

So why am I unhappy?

Well. Itís obvious. Isnít it.
The richest man in the world, who has absolutely anything and everything anyone could possibly ever want can still be unhappy. I guess itís human nature to want more than you have and complain about it.

So. Letís review.
I have no job. No income of my own with which to buy the things in the world which I may want. Because I have no income I am a burden on the one who does. Almost thirty years old. When she was my age she was already married with a house and at least hoping to start a family. So I feel guilty but not enough to fix the situation.
I have no friends with which to pass the time. No one to encourage me or inspire me. Seems mum gave up on trying to encourage me some time ago.
I have a student debt which only grows every year. Most of the time I forget it exists but itís always there in the back of my mind.
Iím fast approaching thirty. Things are going to start slowing down and degrading. Soon I wonít be able to eat what I want and hover around the same level of weight without exercise.
I donít exercise. And they say itís a natural cure for depression.
Even on the rare occasions that I suddenly feel energised to do something it fades in a day or two.
Every day I put off the big things in life just makes it harder for me to attempt them when I finally have to.
Since I am aware of my own hastening towards death Iím also aware of my mumís too. One day sheíll be gone and there will be no one to look after me. When that happens can I really look after myself? Will I be ready?
Of course. I could always ensure that Iím gone before her.
Every time I get sad I inevitably think, quite often more than once, you could always kill yourself. For now I scoff at the idea. Surely you remember my disgust of suicide. But I can never shake the notion that things in general would be better if I did. No longer a financial and emotional drain. Sure. A few people will be sad. Mum will be devastated. Maybe sheíd never recover. But what would I care? Iíd be gone. I donít believe in an afterlife. If you mess up the first one why should you have a second in any way shape or form?
But I can also never shake the idea that things may get better if I just stay alive. Maybe when Iím fifty Iíll look back at these times and laugh. But most likely Iíll be more depressed by then, in reality. But Ií's nice to hope.

I know why I do nothing. Even though I have all the free time in the world and plenty of things to occupy myself but donít.
Iím lazy. Iím anxious. Iím so unsure of myself I can only see failure. And I know why this is. I know all of the people to blame for this because I think of it often. Why arenít I normal? Whoís to blame? I wonít go into that. Itís a long and winding road. Yes. One of them is me. Just so you know.
I have no ambition. No goals. And now I listen to one song that expresses this sentiment and it makes my cry. The Lost One's Weeping if you really must know. And my heart feels so heavy and I canít help but cry.
Where did my dreams go?
I know I had them. Every child has dreams. Before they grow up. Why do we have to lose our dreams? Why do we have to grow up? Why canít the world stay full of wonder and promise?

I have times that I feel happy. So happy I feel as if the world isnít real. But it fades quickly. Even when Iím so happy, I think Iím still sad deep down. So why canít I feel as happy as I used to feel? Why canít I feel truly happy?

I was happy. Would you believe that I actually had a personality? I had weird crazy ideas. I had ridiculous dreams. I was bright and happy and so innocent.
I was actually smart with an unconventional wit. I remember that. I also remember that the grown-ups mistook my humour for stupidity. So I kept it inside. I was polite and caring. But sometimes attempts to be nice backfired. So I hesitated. I had friends. I knew how to make friends too. But they started to move away. I gave up on making friends. I daydreamed all the time. It affected social interactions and school work. They slipped. I tried to be athletic. But I was slow. I gave up trying. I saw no point in reaching for unachievable goals. I stopped trying. I realised that my dreams were silly, childish and stupid. I let them go.
Others moved on and I stayed behind.

Now I have no ambition and I donít try. Even things Iím passionate about I give up on.
I have so many projects I never finished. So many stories I never wrote.
Somewhere along the way I've lost something very important.
So. Why do you think I am unhappy? Wouldnít you be too?


Something to note here.
No. Iím not fishing for sympathy.
No. Iím not doing this for attention.
I donít want pity.
I donít want hate.
I just wanted to write. And this is what I wrote. Putting it in a blog just keeps it somewhere I can look back at it and remember I felt this way.

Updated 07-15-2016 at 12:58 AM by Bluebiird

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  1. Helga's Avatar
    I used to put things in a blog here too just because it made me feel better to try and put my thoughts on paper (or screen). I stopped because I realised I live in a small country and it wouldn't be hard to figure out who wrote it, especially since I am not a clever person with a pseudonym .

    I don't think there has to be a reason to be depressed and when I was on medication for it and struggling though the day I hated it when people asked me 'what do you have to be depressed about' my mon asks herself that question daily and I keep saying there is no reason. There are issues and facts that may fuel depression but they are not the reason for it.

    I used to stay alive for my dog and now he is almost 15 and I fear the day he will pass. When I got him I thought to myself that I would leave with him one day. I don't think so now but at the same time I don't fear death, like you I don't believe in an afterlife and I find the thought of just 'not being' very appealing.

    I have phrases in my mind that I think of when I am down these days, like 'in a hundred years I'll be dead and this won't matter' or even the story of the 'this too will pass' ring brings ease.

    Music is very good too, me and my son often start days, when we are tired and don't feel like going to school with some music by Queen, you can't but get up when you listen to them.

    I just turned 30 too, so where to go from there...
  2. tailor STATELY's Avatar
    Though I'm considerably older than either of you I can relate whole-heartedly.

    Depression is a part of my life, and has been since I was a child... and writing (and reading) has always been very cathartic for me. My own writing, including my poetry, began as I explored my sensibilities through my blog which I started in 2003 - now languishing through neglect... perhaps another metaphor. "Things" did get better with time though my depression never left. Hope and faith entered my life in 2004 and I began to nourish a positive attitude which helps though I still have "my days".

    I like to think of the bluebird of happiness as a metaphor as explored in one of my favorite movies: K-PAX. The metaphor is woven within the plot of the movie at a NY state mental institution. This link will explain better than I can: http://www.dailynebraskan.com/findin...d4e415ffb.html . I might hazard a conjecture that your blog's art and your user name are linked somehow to the movie, albeit serendipitously.

    I revisit this movie often. As I contemplate the movie I can see my depressioned-self as an alter-ego trying to make sense of myself and the world. Just thinking about this makes me wonder if I'm also schizophrenic https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizophrenia to a degree ? I do suffer from a spectrum of anxiety issues as well... but another story for another day.

    Thank you for your thought provoking post.

    Ta ! (short for tarradiddle),
    tailor STATELY
  3. Iain Sparrow's Avatar
    Quote Originally Posted by Helga
    I used to put things in a blog here too just because it made me feel better to try and put my thoughts on paper (or screen). I stopped because I realised I live in a small country and it wouldn't be hard to figure out who wrote it, especially since I am not a clever person with a pseudonym .

    I don't think there has to be a reason to be depressed and when I was on medication for it and struggling though the day I hated it when people asked me 'what do you have to be depressed about' my mon asks herself that question daily and I keep saying there is no reason. There are issues and facts that may fuel depression but they are not the reason for it.

    I used to stay alive for my dog and now he is almost 15 and I fear the day he will pass. When I got him I thought to myself that I would leave with him one day. I don't think so now but at the same time I don't fear death, like you I don't believe in an afterlife and I find the thought of just 'not being' very appealing.

    I have phrases in my mind that I think of when I am down these days, like 'in a hundred years I'll be dead and this won't matter' or even the story of the 'this too will pass' ring brings ease.

    Music is very good too, me and my son often start days, when we are tired and don't feel like going to school with some music by Queen, you can't but get up when you listen to them.

    I just turned 30 too, so where to go from there...
    When I was a kid I listened to country music... Johnny Cash, Roy Orbison, etc... then I got my first car at 16. My best friend and I spent all day installing a tape player in the car, and upon finishing he said, "put a tape in"... I listened to vinyl albums, had no tapes. So he gave me one of his cassette tapes, it was Queen's News of the World. I was blown away. All these years later they're still my favorite band. Innuendo is the album I listen to most, let it play in the background while I'm working on a project or doing whatever.
  4. Helga's Avatar
    the title of this blog reminded me (maybe not in a positive way) of a song by an artist I love: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hNfckqekxY4
  5. desiresjab's Avatar
    Good luck. Many people deal with similar problems or feelings. Most find a way to continue. I am more than twice your age. The depression is worse when you are younger, more intense, as if you were a tortured character in a Hesse novel. Some people have to downright welcome midlife crisis. You have that to look forward to. Stay off their pills. Doctors talk to me and think they have made a big discovery--I am depressed. I always turn down their offers of pills with the explanation that if they had my life they would be depressed too, so why would I want to take pills for feeling the way I am supposed to feel? They do not understand anyone turning down pills, and they do not understand the curious explanation. I call it the pill round. The doctors keep changing prescriptions. Each one of them comes with its own list of side effects which could kick in anytime. No, I stayed clean. All I do is smoke lots of potty. Now, that is clean and good for you.
  6. heartwing's Avatar
    People feel strongly about pills sometimes one way or another. But pills can save your life. I am case in point. It took me years not to get severely depressed when I was in my 30s, but I stayed the course with my mood stabilizer and indeed it worked, my mood stabilized. Although it is also true that things mellow out with age. I have also been on a controlled substance for anxiety and that would be the only drug I would caution someone about. Dang. That can work you over. I've been off of it for three weeks. The withdrawal involves massive muscle cramps mimicking MS, insomnia, tinnitus. But enough complaints. I'm just saying. Some drugs have helped. Some have done the opposite. But one does mellow with age though I do take thoughts of suicide very seriously. During those moments, I live for my son, knowing how hard it would be for him if I did something like that. (My biological mother left me with that legacy.) And I also stay on my drugs. The stabilizer is critical so I must stay on it at all times, even when I feel relatively well. Best, best wishes Helga, Bluebird, et al.
    Updated 07-16-2016 at 04:00 PM by heartwing
  7. desiresjab's Avatar
    I am glad you have had some success with the pills.

    Yeah, you don't need to leave your son what your mom left you. I knew a mom who did that, rather, much later in life I knew the two twin girls she did it to. Their mom did it on their sixth or seventh birthday.
  8. Danik 2016's Avatar
    Dear Bluebiird,
    I often feel like you. I donīt have a job, I have few important ties left, I keep putting off important things. The difference: I am 63.
    I'm going to be very practical.
    The first thing I think you have to clear up is if your depression is clinical or not. And that not with the internet but with a competent psychiatrist, who will probably ask you to make some exams.
    Meanwhile, another thing that might help: as long as you donīt feel ready for big goals, set yourself small ones: Instead of walking the dog once a day walk him twice and play with him. When animals are not very ill, they have a contagious love of life. Surprise your sister? by offering to help with the house chores.
    Step a bit out of your quiet blog corner and have a look what is going on in the LitNet forums. And I'm sure there are other things you can figure out for yourself. The idea is to make you feel more alive and more useful.
    If you beginn with small things, greater things will follow naturally.
    And donīt forget: in your age, most ills can be reversed!
    Donīt wait for your life! Your life is waiting for you!
    Updated 07-17-2016 at 01:18 PM by Danik 2016
  9. Tes's Avatar
    Look now. I took your story seriously and actually read it all the way till the end with quite an understanding for you because I can relate to some of the things you are going through. But you see, I tried and still am trying to learn something from the situation. You have to do the same.

    So here is the thing: Yes, you have a depression. Yes, there's hope. No, no one is to blame but only only only you. Don't ever ecspect someone else to be responsible for your happiness. Even your mom (be thankfull for her).
    Don't take my words too personal, I am just going to be direct so you have to bare with me.
    Well, you see... it's true that one creates his own destiny. Your all problems come from the fact that you are painfully insecure and don't believe in yourself. So it's your confidence that you have to work on.
    I know what you are thinking... "But I have to have this and that to be confident.... I have to be prettier, wealthier, funnier, etc.......". Wrong. You have to be confident at first to have the things you want.
    Have you seen the man who is physically not good looking but his confidence makes him look sooo attractive. Confidence itself makes you preferable and reliable.
    It's sounds corny but if you pitty yourself (Admit it, you do)... people around you would do the same. Simple as that.

    I know life can be hard, especially when you have anxiety. I have one and I know it suraly sucks. But you are using the anxiaty and your low esteem as an excuse.
    Look now. It's YOUR and only YOUR choice whether you are going to be a decisive person who is willing to work on himself or you are going to be a person who is just sitting there pittying himself. Your own choice.

    Sounds rude but it's true. If you don't know what you want to do with your life, you have to try new different things. Don't have goals? Just set one and be persistent.
    Go take some courses, learn something, new language, taking car lessons, sports, computer programming courses, whatever it may be... you will make new friends that way too... but you see... you have to WANT it to happen.
    You are saying that you have no interests - okay, TRY new things... Try them inspite of your laziness and excuses. Try something totally new for you - you will feel lifted. Even if this lifting emotion is just for a day - you better have this day. It's part of your developent.

    You have to take the steps, no one would take it for you. The thing is you have to be persistent with the things you deside to do - it's not about motivation (motivation comes and goes, it's not powerful at all), it's about discipline. Discipline would carry you way more far than motivation. You are getting up for a run but feel like staying in bed? Get your *** up and go INSPITE of your unwillingness.

    You see, if you want to change you have to go out of your comfort zone. Get uncomfortable. That's the only way. This will show you new roads, new aspects of life, maybe new perspectives.

    In my personal experience sports are really great antidepressants and they teach you a lot. They help you develop yourself. Yes, they only make you feel lifted and happy for a day or maybe just a few hours (oh, amazing endorphins) but as I said... you better have them. As you see yourself getting better with the time... you will feel better about yourself.

    You have to change your MIND. Your thinking.

    I know what you are thinking... "But i don't want to... I have depression, it's hard, I am not willing to change my unhappiness". You see, my friend, you actually WANT to change it.... that's why you are sharing your thoughts here. The thing is you are too afraid. You are afraid to do the things on your own. What if you mess up? What if you don't do the things the right way...
    So what?! Go mess the **** out of everything. That's how you learn. Just be willing to learn. And be persistent INSPITE your unwillingness and depression - you can be way stronger than you think.

    The problem is your mind. Go apply for a work, go do something nice for others and yourself. Whatever happens you have to know that you are going to be okay. You can always go home. If you start working and they fire you - not a big deal, don't allow little things **** up your confidence. It's hard but it's just about the way you THINK.

    You are having sad thoughts. Fine, who hasn't. That's part of life. Embrace it, but don't give up.

    Also don't compare yourself to others. Life's not a competition, it's a journey. Everyone has his own pace. Comparing yourself to others, especially others your age will destroy your confidence and will take you to the same place as you are now . Compete only with yourself - be smart about it.

    It's up to YOU and whatever people say to you, whatever they are doing to you - it's always up to you - what would you do and how will you live your life. Don't be afraid, embrace whatever is ahead and try new things - good things, worthy things. Explore life even if you fail. Everybody fails. Take the good of the situations and learn instead of pittying yourself. Consider it as a challange. What's next... maybe it's something amazing if only you do something different - one step at a time.
    It will take time to change but so what? You will take that road. And this road, my friend, is not about excuses. It's about determination, courage, it's about feeling life.
    It can be hard, but you be okay with that. It can be a little bumpy but I promise you... in the end you will be prouder because you know which road you took... and you will say to yourself "Wow, it was quite a journey... and it was damn worthy...".
    Updated 07-17-2016 at 02:25 PM by Tes
  10. mtpspur's Avatar
    Quite an entry. I agree with a lot posted above. I have one advantage in life you do not. I believe strongly in an afterlife. I also remember that one of my favorite Bible verses is I do well to be angry Lord. Jonah--God's grumpy prophet. Books have been written about him but I have yet to read a good sermon defending his attitude expressed in that verse.
    My (second) retirement is very boring but my books and TV watching keep me out of trouble. Plus I have two or three people in the internet in my life that makes waking up a reason. Depression doesn't have to be deep or mild to be real. Its influence is ever so subtle when you finally realize it has you it is almost too late. I have always and still think better of you. You are one of the most self aware of the good and bad in your life ladies I have ever known and you hang in there week after week year after year seeing as I abandoned this site a long time ago. Be at peace wish I was better at this-wish we were in the same country pone calls are much easier to talk and talk and really listen. You are remembered.