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Barmy Blue's Bland Blog

It's Not so Secret Now

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So. Lastly. What's this about guitar?
Well. I got it about five years ago when I was working in mum's office and got depressed and rather put off of work ever since. So to cheer myself up, since I had my own money at the time, I decided to use it as a motivation to work harder because I was lagging a bit. "If you're cheerful (or at least not depressed and gloomy) and actually put in some effort then we'll go and buy the guitar you desired on the Argos website this weekend" was my thought process. It's a full size, blue, steel stringed, acoustic guitar. They don't sell it on the website anymore. I was just idly browsing the website, saw it, fixated and obsessed and decided it was a nice dream but nothing more than a dream. That's something I do quite a lot. I'll weigh up the cost and hassle of getting something I want and usually not get it. And I'm pretty sure it's usually for the best. But at that time I gave in and bought it along with a stand and a tuner as it was part of a deal.

So I was excited to have the thing but lacked the determination to learn it.
I've been fascinated with guitar since I was a child. Well guitar and piano. It's always been something I've always wanted to learn along with martial arts and origami (particularly cranes). Well. You know I can fold cranes now. But that's pretty easy. It doesn't take much effort. The others require serious effort and determination, which is why I've never learnt. Also my fascination with these things has always been kind of secret. Not that I'm embarrassed or anything, just that I wouldn't mention them because there was little point. There's no point saying you're interested in learning something if you know you're not going to do it. In regards to martial arts, Napoleon had pointed out that I was a pretty weak child and didn't like being hit. Well yeah. Not by him. Besides. Though I wouldn't have liked it at the time I think it might have been good for me. I'm too sensitive now. I think it's a bit too late to start learning now though. It's the kind of thing that if I was going to do it I should have done it as a child. Now I have severe short-sightedness and astigmatism coupled with obesity and social anxiety.
Now piano is something I haven't brought up purely because there's no point. Where would we put a piano? and keyboard just doesn't seem worth it. I know I wouldn't practice and guitar has always held a stronger fascination.

Now. Guitar. I did violin as a child. That came to nothing. It was a thing at school and the subject was presented to me. It wasn't actually stated that I had to learn an instrument but I felt that it was strongly implied by the adults that I had to do it. The choices were clarinet or violin. At the time I didn't know what a clarinet was so I opted for violin. Of course. The school already did recorder, which I never bothered to learn. I still have it actually. Number 17. So. Several years of violin. Which, of course I barely practiced. It was either rented or donated as part of the scheme so although it was mine it wasn't really. All we have left of it is a book of beginners violin music that we had to buy.
So. I did it in primary school. Which meant that I missed a lesson of regular school every week. I barely practiced and didn't hate it but didn't love it either. It carried through to secondary school which was awkward.
In primary school a handful of us were learning so it made sense for the teacher to come in once a week. In secondary school I was the only one. This was year seven. (That's about 11 years old and the first year of secondary school, which you stay in until 16, just so you know, so it was pretty daunting). So. For my violin lessons I had to leave class half way though. Go to the music class room, where a music teacher was actually teaching a music class to a whole class of older students. Briefly interrupt the lesson with my arrival. Slip though the classroom to a little room at the back, with my violin. Where my new violin teacher was waiting. Just for me. Now I didn't know that I had social anxiety at the time. But having social anxiety made this a truly harrowing experience. Every week.
And, of course, I didn't really want to be doing violin and the teacher was very nice but not stern at all. So rather than practicing, I'd usually just end up talking to her instead. This was a colossal waste of her time, of my time and the time of the music teacher who's class I had to interrupt every week just to get into the room. So I quit.

Although obvious, this was a very big decision for me. Because quitting meant that the years of violin study had been an utter waste of time and effort and I was mainly concerned with letting people, particularly mum, down.

Annoyingly. About the time I quit a classical music group became a big thing. So occasionally I'd get "see. If you hadn't quit violin that could be you". Rather than an encouraging or just a casual comment, this cut me very deeply and made me feel like I'd let her down or let myself down and it was crushing to my very weak self esteem. I think, if I told her this now, she wouldn't remember it at all. But I remember. But I knew it was the right decision and it made me a little angry, though I never said it. You really think I could play that well? At the time I quit I was little better than when I started. There's no way I could have become any sort of competent violinist.

So. With this history. Broaching the subject of learning a new instrument was very unwise in my opinion. And this is why my guitar is secret now. Because If I decide to quit before I've really got anywhere I won't feel like I'm being judged. I can go at my own pace and just muddle along.

So. I got the guitar about five years ago. I couldn't really understand it and it hurt my fingers and I stopped trying after a few sporadic days in a few weeks and it was just sat behind the armchair, in case I wanted to try again, until Christmas when I moved it to my room and it's been there ever since.

Since I've had it, it's been weighing on my mind now and then. It's pointless having it if you don't learn it. Why don't you try to learn it properly? And it's just been a constant reminder of something I tried to do and gave up without really trying and adding to my sense of worthlessness every time I get depressed. So now and then I've Googled how to play guitar for beginners or something. Maybe read an instructional piece or watched a how to video which is just a taste of what you'll get if you sign up for the online course, which you have to pay for. Why would I do that if I'm not really going to try? It's just more wasted money.
About three years ago I got depressed when I couldn't find appropriate Christmas gifts that I'd hoped to find in the high street and ended up buying a few thing's to cheer myself up. Since I came out intending to buy stuff I might as well do it. That was stupid, for the most part. I got a hair curler that I've only used twice and to little or no effect. On the way back I popped into WHSmith. I used to go in there every time I had to walk home from the bus station, since I was always on the lookout for pretty and practical notebooks when I was in school. I had a brief glance at notepads and books and manga then a brows around the instructional kind of books, non-fiction basically. I came across some how to draw manga books, which I was interested in doing (another thing I've always wanted to do is draw really well but I lack the talent). So I got them along with a guitar for dummies kind of book. I debated with myself whether to get them or not but did because I was depressed and trying to cheer myself up. Didn't last long. The manga ones focused more on composition that actually how to draw and the guitar book had chords but not the really basic stuff like which bit is which, which is what I had trouble with initially.
So that felt like a colossal waste of time and money.
But since then I've always thought, "you have a guitar. You have a book. You could learn."
an online tutorial I saw advised walking you fingers along the strings before trying to play, to strengthen your hand and fingertips. After that it was a matter of memorising the chords in the book, or at least that's how I planned it. But never did it.
I'll have to cut my nails. I don't want calloused fingertips. It's a hassle to get the guitar out and take it downstairs. I don't want mum to know because I'll give up again and she'll think I'm useless. I can't remember the chords anyway (the book has 600).

So. Finally we come to three months ago.
About a week before the wedding I started watching Good Mythical Morning. It's fun and very helpful when I feel sad. A video had been on my YouTube "recommended viewing" for a month or two. I thought, "I'll never watch it. It looks stupid and YouTube only recommends it because it's "popular" I'm not going to watch it just because I bunch of mindless idiots on YouTube have watched it."
I was wrong. Very wrong.
But I got curious. It made me laugh. So I watched another one. I stopped watching just before the wedding because I didn't want to have any fluctuations in my mood or weird influences for the day, but resumed watching a few days after. I've been a regular viewer since then. I like to watch it while doing my cross stitch, just so I have something to do with my hands. The cross stitch has come a pretty long way.
I just watched random episodes. It really helped to keep me cheerful and then I came to that video. In case you aren't familiar with GMM I'll be vague so as not to add unnecessary details.
They were sent some guitar effects pedals in the post and the guy looked like he was having so much fun playing with them that it got me thinking. I bet you really could learn to play. It also helps that I ended up on a lot of the Thursday episodes and Thursday is when they open post and sing the mail song with a guitar. So guitars were already in my mind.

So, I thought about it for a couple of days. "You've been thinking of trying again. You have a plan. You have the book. And I think it might boost your self esteem a little too. Well it certainly won't hurt it, that's for sure. And if I practice when mum's at work and put it back before she gets home, then I can keep it secret. That way, if I fail then the only one who knows is me and it's fine. Also. It's not like you go out or anything. What does it matter if you have to cut your nails short? It's only on the left hand."

So I formed a plan. 2 weeks to exercise my hand and toughen the fingertips. After that two weeks start learning a chord from the book. I started with D because it looked easier, even though C came first in the book. To ease the soreness in my fingertips I rubbed a little Bonjela on them. I have it on my desk. A few months ago my wisdom teeth were acting up and I looked up whether I could use it for wisdom teeth or not. It's designed for mouth ulcers and cold sores but some said it was good for wisdom tooth pain too. I used to be given it as a child for mouth injuries and hated the taste. Now I find that it's not so bad. It has a slight numbing quality so that's why I used it on my fingertips. I read somewhere that something like it can be used for the fingertips after practicing guitar but don't quote me on that. I'm probably mistaken. However it worked for me. But I only practiced for maybe five or ten minutes a day. After a couple of days to a week I stopped using it because my fingers didn't hurt after practice anymore.

I use it a little now because I'm trying to learn some barre chords and a the side of my finger isn't tough enough yet. For now I'm just learning the first twelve chords for each letter in the book. It may not be a good way of doing it but it's how I'm doing it so that's that. Only twelve because that's how far I got with the D's until I had trouble remembering. And once I memorised them I decided to start a new letter.

In order I've gone from the D's, C's, E's, A's and I've just got the first twelve G's in the book. I'm starting the B's and I'm saving the F's for last because I read that the F's are the hardest to learn. In the book the order is actually C's, D's, E's, F's, G's, A's, B's. With flats and sharps in between. But, like I said, the D's seemed easiest at the start. Then I decided to follow the order in the book until I got to the F's. Then I skipped to the A's because they looked easier. At the moment B's and F's look equally hard but I'm sticking with my plan. I'm not sure what I'll do after that. Whether I'll move onto flats and sharps or do the next twelve of each or whether I'll learn the alternatives for the chords (I've only learnt the first versions listed in the book because they looked easiest and because it was easier to track). For now at least, I can say that in three months I've learnt 60 chords. It's something to be proud of, if only a little.

I don't have grand goals. My ultimate goal is to be able to play Bad Apple very slowly and maybe get better at it. What I do after that, well I'll decide once I get there. At the moment I'm just measuring my progress in tiny steps. The first song I want to play, as a step up to my Bad Apple goal, is twinkle twinkle little star. I figured it's hard to mess up. If you try looking for easy guitar songs for beginners it's a nightmare. It's full of these "classic" songs that I've maybe heard of but have no interest in playing but most of the people who want to learn guitar want to learn because they want to play these kind of songs. So easy songs doesn't actually mean easy by my standards. My idea of easy it a baby's first steps kind of thing so twinkle twinkle little star.

Well. It's late and I'll have to split this in half won't I.

Updated 09-22-2015 at 11:57 AM by Bluebiird

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Comments

  1. Logos's Avatar
    Good luck with the guitar playing Bluebiird I think it's really great you're willing to give it a go.
  2. Virgil's Avatar
    Good luck with it. I tried teaching myself the piano a number of years ago, and while I can't play I did learn enough to understand what's going on when I listened to piano music. Also lately I've been trying to get my son into music class for at least the piano but it's very hard to find a place for six year olds.