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day in a life

Life as we know it, death as I know it

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I haven't written anything here in a really really long time. Mainly because I have been busy with school and life in general but also because I don't really like the fact that it is a place I talked about things I don't say outloud, I don't really want people around me to know what goes on in my head so this, at first, seemed like a place to get things out but fear of someone seeing it stopped me.

I know some people have made small changes to their username, maybe I should check into that, simply take the 'ga' out.

Well I am doing this now because I found out yesterday that a friend died. I hadn't seen him in some time and I mainly knew him through my brother but he was a very troubled young man and the healthcare system let him down and that makes me really sad. He was supposed to get into a psychiatric ward but he was a little bit late so they didn't take him in, and now he is gone. He has a long history of mental issues and he was in a paranoid mania when they turned him away. It does look like it was an accident, he was on some very heavy medication that didn't mix well and that was why they wanted him in straight away. He thought everybody was watching him and he knew he needed help. He was very sweet and very smart and well read, we both loved Milan Kundera and we met on occasion at school and had coffee. I really liked him as a friend but because of many of his issues I had to keep a certain distance, he tended to get my interest wrong and I didn't want him to feel bad about anything so on occasion I said things to make sure he knew things were platonic.
He had lost both his parents and he had half-siblings he had little contact with and only an elderly grandma. He had no one to back him up really except a few friends, and most of them had similar or worse issues than he did.

I remember a few years ago when a schoolmate of my mom died and she mentioned how weird it is when you see friends die. My dad died 20 years ago but he had been sick for a few years. Seeing friends die because of an accident or something like that is weird and an odd feeling comes with it. This is the second time I will go to funeral for a friend. Is this something that comes with growing up, comes with life as an adult? When I was a teenager I had been to so many funerals I almost lost count, and most of my friends had never been to one, now as an adult I am still going to funerals regularly but now it's for people my age and not elderly relatives.

My mom said that this was probably his only relief, he had so few people around him and he had tried so many times to get his life on track but the depression and then the mania always took over.

Oh, I don't know if this is something you can ever get used too, even though it is a part of life and no way to get around it.

I don't have any thoughts on death, I don't believe in an afterlife or a better place or a worse place, just turning of the light and it is gone. That thought has always comforted me, I just wish right now that he knew I cared about him and always wanted to help him.

I find it hard that he was alone, and found the next morning. A part of me thinks that will be how I will die, alone. I avoid contact with people and don't let anyone in. Never go out to meet new people cause it scares me, and that is what it was like for him.

no more gloom now, at least he is not in pain anymore, and if there is something after this life than he is with his parents.


  1. Iain Sparrow's Avatar
    Sorry for the loss, and all the strange feelings that go with it.

    I can say there's been one time in my life where a friend's death effected me in a meaningful way, and that was back in 2002. The Anaheim Angels (professional baseball team) were in the playoffs and one win away from going to the World Series, and I got it in my mind to call an old friend I had fallen out of touch with since moving to Florida. Since we were both born in Anaheim and followed the Angels religiously from childhood right through to adulthood, I wanted to call him and catch up with life and of course talk baseball.
    I could not find a trace of him on the internet or even a phone number, so I called his younger sister... she gave me the news, Scotty had died almost two years earlier of a heroin overdose, and though her parents couldn't come to terms with it, that she suspected it was a suicide. I felt strangely sad and also guilty. We had taken drugs together, partied, went on double dates, and when I left that life and quit drugs I also in a way quit him and our circle of friends. I was left feeling like I should have helped him more, because I know he would have done it for me.
    There's an old photograph that was taken many years ago, of four guys on a cliff, we were rock climbing and hamming it up for the camera. Myself, Scotty, and two other close friends. I'm the last one whose still alive, and I'm not that old! I feel sad about it sometimes, but mostly lucky.

    I don't believe in anything but the here and now, certainly not in a God or afterlife. Still, if all we have is one short life, I wish their lives could have been longer and with less suffering.
  2. Pompey Bum's Avatar
    My sympathies, Helga.
  3. tonywalt's Avatar
    Sorrry to hear this Helga. So few people reach out to people in obvious need. I think it is seen as a terrible burden and tantamount to getting near a drowning person. Sorry to say, but that is my observation.
  4. Dreamwoven's Avatar
    We don't often realise until we get older ourselves how much our parents influence us without being aware of it. It is always moving to hear of others who have had the same experience. Thanks for sharing, Helga.
  5. mtpspur's Avatar
    It seems the ones that need the comfort of friends and loved ones are often unable to receive it in its appropriate measure. I'm sure your friend meant well and -perhaps-wished for more but in fairness I think you were wise to give only what you were comfortable giving-without guilt or regret so I wish for you to have peace with that.

    Death is a loss of which it is best to grieve well-if that means expressing regret, anger, tears, sorrow-so be it--there is no wrong way except the unnatural prolonging of outrage against the times and providences of God as David was advised when he lost his child and he looked forward to the eventual reunion--oddly enough that child was probably the one to give him most comfort in life as even Solomon had his failings later in life. Just speculating.

    As to relationship Helga-I would encourage you to step out--one foot at a time an see what people might have to offer or take from a friendship with you. Even here after so many years I still count at least three or four members as dear friends--two of them very special indeed. My advice is never to except it as due but a privilege to be taken as a gift and never an obligation though there is responsibility when interacting with people. Even the ones that love me and after all these years it tends to be a surprise that there ARE some disagreements can happen but the respect and affection remains. All the best and welcome back--if even for a brief time. I come and go myself when the mood strikes. I have disliked the new Litnet formats and the attitudes in the Religious forums are the usual petty and name calling nonsense that is a bit of an embarrassment for otherwise sensible intelligent people. Sigh.