farnoosh

It's been awhile now. Too much time has gone by since I last wrote anything, looking back on my old posts; I don't even remember that girl anymore. Where to start?
College is nearly over, just 4 more months and I'll have to face the awful part of graduating: "What now?" Making plans for the future is easy, even working to get where you want to be is a piece of cake! The hard part is not knowing WHAT you want.
I use to have this clear image of a bright future, being part of a greater cause. I always wanted to do humanitarian work. well not work as much as volunteer. I never really took "getting a job & earning money" an issue, maybe cause I never really needed the money. As my years go by- turned 22 tonight- I start to realize all the childlike dreams that I have and how little I start to think of myself for ever counting on them to become reality. That's the thing with aging I guess, self-doubt and feeling like a fool (which in turn makes you wiser) are by-products.
Tonight I was re-reading my diaries, spanning the years from childhood to .... (meaning: whatever it is I am right now.). In all of my life have I never endured so much pain as I did in my last year.
From the moment I turned 21 to this day I'm dealing with the consequences of an action I knew was wrong and yet, I thought of taking a chance and hopping to have the power of changing the result, making it better. "Trusting your guts and sticking to them" is what I've taken away from this whole mess.
Other than the whole "Just turned 22" feeling, I've started reading again. FINALLY!!
I'm reading 3 books at the moment: A lady in white (re-reading this one actually mainly cause I've forgotten that I've actually read it before and picked it out in the library), Tess of D'Ubervilles ( a hard read for someone who's native language is not English), and my Favorite, Anna Karenina. Even my taste in books have changed. I remember being so much into Jane Austen and the Bronte Sisters.... you know, the whole happily-ever-after-plots. But now? I'm so much taken with stories like Anna Karenina, Wuthuring Heights... stories with "believable" endings. Tastes bitter sweet, going from the former to the latter.
Anyway, it's 1:43 a.m. over here and I'm still not sleepy but too tired to type. I'm gonna go read Anna Karenina.
Good-Night.