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The (not so) Inner Whinings of an Impatient Rambler

Apathy and Disgrace

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What change a year can bring. Leaving behind the failure, frailty, and disgrace. Change typically frightens me beyond reason, yet this time I feel good about it. A foreign experience. Not one change, but many. I have the out, I have the in, I have the means. Everything I want, I can have. There is, of course, one problem (Only one?! How unusually optimistic).

In one aspect of my life, I find myself feeling apathetic. Apathy was unknown to me until this. It has taken me a while even to recognize it in myself. And now I have no idea what to do. I think perhaps its a coping mechanism; a stereotypic behaviour. Am I trying to protect something? Someone? I'm surprised at myself that I feel the need to cope. Why don't I just fix it? That is what I do, no? Decide what I want and then live for the pursuit of accomplishment? A cattle vet in a sundress? If it's not right, just walk away. Don't walk, run- like you know something they don't.

I think I know how to fix this, and yet I don't. Instead, stereotypy. Performing the behaviour reduces the stress of the environment. Stockholm syndrome? Wildly unfair, though uncomfortably correlative. Perhaps I'm being dramatic. I wouldn't say I'm suffering- simply not flourishing.

Ha, and instead of fixing the problem, I am attempting to use all the good changes to enrich the impoverishment. I think it unlikely to succeed, but I ought to test the hypothesis. I don't quite justify it, but I feel like I ought to. Ugh. Dangling prepositions.

I know for sure that my return to LitNet is part of the coping. An added enrichment. A fulfilled need, or at least an attempt to do so. I suppose we'll see.


  1. Buh4Bee's Avatar
    Rock on! Have fun! This has always been a great place. Hope you find some balance with your life.
  2. qimissung's Avatar
    Continue coping until time forces you to do something. A tried and true method. Good luck! Or breathe deeply and dive in; sometimes that works for me.
  3. Virgil's Avatar
    Tantalizingly vague! Well, best of luck at whatever you waste your time at.

    By the way, disgrace is only temporary and you shouldn't feel bound by it forever. You can always redeem yourself. (Not sure if you're using the word loosely or very exactly. I would consider disgrace reserved for serious moral failings.)
    Updated 05-09-2013 at 09:38 PM by Virgil