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Living Breathing Contradiction...


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hmm. seems forever since I have blogged so here goes nothing-

I'm sorry to the many people who feel neglected or that I no longer care about you. This is not the case. The truth is I feel like I've Jumped into an undercurent with life vest for everyone but me- and I can't swim... Everything that can go wrong, has and than some.

The house was broken into-The Landlord is at a record high duche bag level and my finances are in ruins at no ones fault but my own, I am way to trusting and becuase of that got royaly F'd over by a so called "friend".

The snakes and the bunny all have to find new homes which is stressing in general not to mention the emotional toll of having to give up something you have raised and come to love.

I don't think Alladian will be too bad, I only got him to rescue him. But aries and alice are going to kill me those are my kids- My room is a maze of aquariums that I have to do something with, I have sank so much money into that crap its not even funny and have no hope of recovering any of it. But at the same time I'm a sappy chick who thinks about the animals first and the fact that I cant afford to really take care of them. so I'm too poor to keep them and to poor to sell them. Up a creek without a paddle I do say.

Its 3:09 and I cant sleep- Had a strange dream last night, was the first really bad one in a while. I have court at 10 in the morning for a speeding ticket. got two of those this month didnt deserve either of them- same cop. I'm not really sure why im ranting on my blog, its a habit I try to avoid but I guess its the one place I can really let it all out at.

I just realized Ive been here for 4 years. wow how time flies... I like to go back and read old blogs and post of mine, its kind of a neat way to see how I have progressed in general, and in my writing which I dont seem to have time for anymore. Cant remember the last time I just sat down with pen and paper and let myself flow. Wow I miss the release of it, its better than sex. Hm I wonder if I can say that here? I often Question myself on the things I say, But than again I Question why I am Questioning.

i'm on bed rest again, and listening about as well as I did the last time. I just get bored! and I no longer have internet at home, so unless I go stay with mum like tonight (court is in her town not mine closer) than I have NOTHING to cure my boredom so I get out of bed which leads to me getting in trouble. What a terrible cycle.

Sometimes life seems really pointless. Sometimes I see really pointless. I wonder If I could be God's one mistake? Sometimes I think I'm the Devils Daughter, and that no matter how hard I try I will never be able to have a relationship with God, like its just not in my cards. The Bible says "many will seek but few will be chosen" I don't think I'm one of the chosen ones at all. But I still have the insane desire to help those who where chosen find God, I really am an odd ball.

I have given thought to pursuing my modeling ambitions- the only problem with that is there are only 2 companys I would want to model for, one I am entirely to short to even be considered for and the other would ruin everything I have worked so hard to establish even if it would be amazingly fun. I am starting to notice many patterns in my life, Like the pattern of who I tend to date, and how it tends to end. I really am the worlds worst Girlfriend, its kinda funny if you think about it. when all you want is a family but are terrified of commitment so you run and ruin every chance of building a family you have. hmm guess I never really gave that much thought. I always thought turning 19 would be great, than again I thought that about 16,17 and 18 and none have been so far. I guess I have myself to blame, I burry myself in school and work partialy out of neccesity and partialy so I dont get close to anyone and have to watch them leave... Is that selfish of me?

My niece is three now... I remember the day she got here and I couldnt wait to blog about it, well now July 24th she will be getting a little brother. She makes me realize how old I am getting and how little I have acomplished. Ugh.
Well my computer is about to die so end rant here.


  1. Maximilianus's Avatar
    You are not a mistake. You may be repeating the same mistakes you often make over and over again, but you are not a mistake yourself. Most of the times I would agree on life being pointless, but I have recently discovered one thing in life that seems to make some sense and I will try to put it simple.

    "When everything/everyone tells us to stay where we are is when we have to walk another way."

    There are changes that may change your life forever and for the better. There are changes that seem to make a difference, like a few ones I'm having now. They may be small, but slowly playing their part. And if the gods reject you, I know of someone who won't, and you should know who this person is. And if the devils chase you, this person will do what has to be done in such case. Sometimes we have to stop running, and start walking the opposite way. Just give it a thought for a while.
  2. Maximilianus's Avatar
    One more thing. If you need to rant and you feel you can't rant on anyone, then rant on me
  3. Buh4Bee's Avatar
    Hope you feel better Steph.
  4. Bluebiird's Avatar
    First, I will say you are not alone. Without a doubt. Second, I randomly selected a fortune from my stash of fortune cookie fortunes which is a little fitting I think "Everything in life is luck". Third, there is nothing a person cannot do when they have conviction. If you're unlucky then change it. If you want to be something then go for it. You know, this might have more impact if I were someone who's done something with her life. I'm only 23 but I feel like an old woman. My cousin who is 2 years younger than me had a baby last year, I am unbelievably jealous especially since relationships for me are pretty much nonexistent. Since I finished uni everyone in my family expects me to do something and I'm getting pretty ashamed that I haven't even looked for a job (I'm not competing to see who has it worse, just trying to show that I can understand, at least a little, of how you feel). And fourth I say that ranting in a blog is exactly what a blog is for . If you fall down and no one is there to pick you up you feel even worse but if someone reaches out a hand to you, even if it's someone you've never met and are never likely to meet, you feel that you can keep going. That's how I feel anyway. I apologise for this long and probably pointless comment, it's 4am my mind is pretty hazy. i hope at least some of this is even just a little helpful.