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Barmy Blue's Bland Blog

No motivation

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by
Bluebiird
, 07-01-2012 at 07:25 PM (405 Views)
Is it even possible for someone who does nothing all day to do even less than usual? Ah. No motivation. I don't even do the things I normally do which I'll admit aren't much. Usually I'll listen to music or watch catch up tv online at some point in the day. Ah. I can't even do that. Well. I can but it's not as fun. Since my mother is still at home all day every day I wear earphones to be polite. It hurts my ears though. I'm not blaming her. I couldn't. It's just that she's normally only home all day on the weekends and my weekend routine is different to my weekday routine. Since she's been home it feels like every day is a weekend. I hate it.

It's not going to get any better any time soon either. The prospects of finding another job in the company were slim and during her last visit they said that if they couldn't find something by the end of the month she'd be redundant. It's the end of the month. There'll be a letter sometime in the next week or so to confirm the redundancy.

Ah. She's 59 and has few interesting skills. I wonder if she'll be able to find another job long enough to reach retirement age. Of course, this whole thing only serves to make me feel even more like a pile of crap than I normally do. If I didn't have the motivation to get a job before I sure as hell don't now. Then again, when it becomes a matter of necessity then motivation is irrelevant. It'll be work or starve. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to wake up. Only thing is if I go to sleep and never wake up that'd make me dead and that kind of thinking sounds too close to suicide for my liking. If there's one thing I hate more than the idea of having to wake up is the idea of suicide. I wonder if I shouldn't be so down on the whole suicide idea. i do think things would be easier if I didn't exist but suicide makes for too many complications. It'd be better if I had never been born or if someone else had been born in my place. If you could alter time so that you never existed would that be considered suicide or not?

Enough of mentioning that depressing thing that I abhor. Any cheerful news. Any at all? The dog's booked in for spaying next week. She's finally over her phantom pregnancy so it's time. It's going to be so hard. We won't be able to give her treats while she's recovering because she'll get fat. We'll have to restrain ourselves. It's so hard to do. She's so cute. Ah. Spaying is expensive too.

Ah well. That's all.

Oh. I made a 3D origami peacock. His name's Glen.

Oh. One more thing. Never watch all episodes of Aeon Flux right before going to bed at 5am. You'll have freaky dreams.

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Updated 08-15-2012 at 12:16 PM by Bluebiird

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My Snow Dog

Comments

  1. wildland's Avatar
    HI don't boring, all things will better!
  2. qimissung's Avatar
    "Oh. I made a 3D origami peacock. His name's Glen.

    Oh. One more thing. Never watch all episodes of Aeon Flux right before going to bed at 5am. You'll have freaky dreams."

    lol, Bluebiird, you're so funny. Please don't talk about death anymore. I mean, quit sort of wanting to die.

    I am so sorry about what happened to your mom. Can she fight for her job at all? Sometimes if you stand up to people like that they back down.

    Can you get a part-time job? Can Napoleon help? Ah well, sorry for the deluge of questions and semi-advice.

    I do feel how fragile your situation is. One last question, do they have unemployment there?

    Whatever happens, our thoughts are with you. Lame, I know, but I don't have anything else to offer.
  3. Bluebiird's Avatar
    She can't fight for her job. It's being "centralised" which I'm told never works but they're trying it anyway. Any other positions in the company are either on hold or temporary. We're still waiting for people to get back to us but we're assuming it's redundancy now. We'll find out soon enough.

    I probably could get a part time job somewhere. I wouldn't be happy but I guess I'll have to do it .

    No. I don't want Napoleon's help. Besides, the best he could probably offer is helping him out on some job or other. I'm not doing that again. Prolonged exposure to that man is not helpful to me. He does claim to know someone or knows someone who knows someone or something in the literary and/or working from home industry. I don't trust these flimsy associations. He doesn't know these people or their work very well. It's beyond his natural comfort zone.

    They do say that unemployment is still a big problem in the UK. I think maybe I could volunteer in one of the charity shops for a while, so I don't have too large a blank space in my cv. I could always go on benefits but it feels fraudulent to do that until I start actively seeking work. It's really all about finding the motivation to do something.

    Oh and don't worry about that suicide segment. I did have concerns about putting that word in so many times so close together but it was just one of those cascading thoughts moments.
    Updated 07-03-2012 at 06:35 PM by Bluebiird
  4. qimissung's Avatar
    I know this is a particularly difficult time, and I'm sorry for that. You have skills, I know, and things usually have a way of working out.

    Fingers crossed for you all.
  5. Virgil's Avatar
    "Is it even possible for someone who does nothing all day to do even less than usual?"

    That's actually a great line.

    Unemployment is a problem everywhere. You do need to get active, even if you're not earning anything. Procrastination does breed procrastination. There's a saying that's stuck with me. If you need to get something done, give it to the busiest person. It all becomes engrained, dynamism, procrastination. It all feeds on itself. Just my humble advice.