I have been thinking, what with?
by, 04-19-2012 at 05:37 AM (313 Views)
Well it's officially summer here on the ice. It's the first day of summer today and the sun is shining and getting warmer and greener and all that stuff I don't like.
My head is going crazy, I am thinking about everything and nothing all the time and it's like there is no peace inside. It is in part because of this time of year, I never like the summer people cut loose and forget routines and do things they normally wouldn't. Also school is almost over and I am working on a short essay but I can't seem to get ahead, it's very short just 2000 words a few days ago I finished an essay about Baudelaire and it took my about 2 days to write 3600 words but now I am just empty. It's about the use of The Book of the Dead in the tv show Stargate and it's very interesting I just can't write, I have 1000 words down and I am just lost.
My son has 4 days off from school now and I am both working on an essay and exams are about to start so my mom and stepdad took him to their summer house for one night and they will be home later today so I am gonna try my best to work on this essay so I can focus on exams.
To be honest (and to try and get some order on my thoughts) I have been thinking about my self-esteem. I know I'm not stupid or boring or ugly but I don't think I'm very smart. That part bugs me a lot. I am trying my best at school and I get OK grades, to be completely honest I am not working VERY hard, I am working my way to be medium. I know I can do better but I am not working to get a 9 I am working to pass and I do think that is wrong but I still do it.
Also I have so many conflicting thought and emotions. I am very lonely most of the time but I am also so glad to be alone and not having anyone but my dogs and son around.
One project I have been working on for school all semester is for a class were I read 10 books, saw one play and one movie and I had to write one page on the computer, analyzing something in it. I handed the first 4 in and got a 6.5 for all of them and I was happy cause some people got 0! now I just finished the last 8 and handed them in and I always think I am taking an easy uninteresting way but when I told some girls I was in class with what I had written about they thought it was very interesting and it kinda bugs me that I don't think so.
I took a break from writing yesterday and went to see my friend at a cafe, while I was waiting for her I ran into a girl I was in school with. I usually avoid people I was in school with but I couldn't once she said 'hi'.... Sometimes I wish I was like the popular girls (she was one of them) she has her own company importing green tea products and is in a happy relationship and all that. I'm sure she has problems but it just would be nice getting out of my head for a while. Then I met my friend and I always feel a bit better after that.
The other day a friend of mine from school was asked out on a date. a part of me was jealous but another part happy it wasn't me. The boy that asked her out only knew we went to a cafe close to school a lot and he spent 4 days there waiting for her to come until she did. I would probably end under the table or say something offensive if a guy did that with me (I tend to insult people when I am nervous) but I was still a bit jealous. The only man who has asked me out in the past two years was my stepdad when my mom was sick and couldn't go to the theater.
people tell me to get a facebook page cause that is where people meet these days but I don't want to.
One thing my friends do, one girl said the other day that I am always so cool (the icelandic word for cool is way better, it's closer to the word tough but still not the same,a mix between cool and tough). that is a bit of a boost.
anyway I shouldn't have spent 30 minuets writing this I should go write my essay. I am gonna check the forums for five minuets first though...