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Secular Orthodoxy

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I have decided to open up my personal belief system of Orthodox Secularism to the general public, and herewith take this opportunity to invite the wealthier members of the forum to join my little sect. As I am, of necessity, the Principal Archimandrite of Secular Orthodoxy, I am particularly keen to attract millionaires to my congregation, their tithes being so much more worthwhile than widow’s mites.

There is, as you would expect, no bowing, scraping or genuflection required of the Orthodox Secularist. There are no special dietary requirements, nor is there any particular dress code, although practicing Naturists who might want to expand their horizons, are asked, as a matter of common courtesy to other members of the congregation, to minimize their nakedness when in the company of other Orthodox Secularists who prefer to wear clothes. Of course, if all the gathered Orthodox Secularists in company are also Naturists then the state of mutually acceptable nakedness is entirely a matter for them.

The principal tenet of Secular Orthodoxy, is a belief in the essential goodness of good people. People who repeatedly demonstrate that they are not good are not deemed eligible to become Orthodox Secularists, in fact, it is the duty of any paid-up Orthodox Secularist to exterminate (with extreme prejudice) any truly bad people they meet. Of course, there is a danger that individual perception of badness may vary. This in turn may lead to fairly widespread secularly motivated genocide. However, given the appalling state of overpopulation threatening the resources of the planet, this may, in and of itself, be no bad thing. Nevertheless, in order to try to maintain some level of consistency in judgement, the Principal Archimandrite is the supreme arbiter when it comes down to ‘brass tacks’ evaluation.

There is no praying in Secular Orthodoxy, except on other people who are both wealthy and bad. In fact, within the congregation mutual support is both expected and encouraged. Should a fellow Orthodox Secularist fall on hard times, it would be hoped that other members of the congregation would relieve a bad person of their excessive wealth, before exterminating them with extreme prejudice, and then render financial assistance to the needy Secular Orthodox communicant from the proceeds.

The sacraments of Secular Orthodoxy are civility and respect. If these are not demonstrated by individuals within the congregation, they are expelled from the congregation and deemed to be bad people. In view of the fate reserved for bad people in the tenets and practice of Orthodox Secularism, upon being excommunicated, they had better start running.

Doubtless, as the sect grows, it will become necessary to issue various edicts and amendments to the basic tenets of Secular Orthodoxy. But until then, this is where we are at. If Secular Orthodoxy is for you, then drop me a PM and I’ll assess your wealth, and therefore your relevant worth, as a potential member of the congregation of Orthodox Secularists.

I look forward to hearing from you and accepting your tithes, or indeed your lives if you prove to be unworthy.

Live and be well –


Principal Archimandrite of the of the order of Orthodox Secularists,
Lapsed High Anglican


  1. Jack of Hearts's Avatar
    That's quite an honest sect you have there Hawk.

  2. Hawkman's Avatar
    Thanks Jack, but I haven't seen your cheque yet - lol
    Updated 08-15-2011 at 11:07 AM by Hawkman