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Living Breathing Contradiction...

Testimony Help.

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so I was asked to share my testimony at a bible study group I attend. But the problem is I dont feel the trust or bond that has to be there in order for me to allow someone the intmate details of my nightmares. Becase to put that out there is to hand someone a knife, turn around and just beg to be stabbed with it. So I wrote one out without much detail, just a brief general assesment of some lessons I learned that most people in the group could use, Now I just need the opinion of is it too dispersonalized? did I seperate too much from it? What would you elaborate on, or change, how do you know what to leave and what to leave out. Thanks guys.
God is like a black light. I'm smiling, is it fake, or is it real? What am I thinking, what am I feeling? when I smile most people can't those things, but God always knows. In fact he knows before I smile how I feel, or if I'm putting on a front. I have a lot of scars that I forget the lesson I learned, because I can no longer see them on a daily bases. If I get under a black light, or tanning bed they stand out like fresh scars... God has a way of reminding us of who we are, and where we came from even when we don't want to remember. He holds up a mirror when we refuse to look for ourselves.
God is not a man. That statement seems really broad but if you think about it, most questions can be answered by those five words. God is not man, God is not human. God does not lust after sin the way we do, he does not crave earthly things the way we do . In understanding that God is not a man, you start to grasp that we cannot hold God to the standards, or expectations we have for men. All the reasons I had to absolutely despise God, were simply foolish attempts to compare GOD to men. By using my experiences with men, I hid behind that mistrust and anger, I attempted to protect myself by pushing him away. Naive to the fact that the further I pushed God away, the closer I drew Satan in to me, allowing him to cause the misery that I turned around and cursed God for. Most of what I hated God for was self inflicted. Had I simply followed his direction, I could have saved myself vast amounts of pain.
How can God allow this to happen? Why did God let that happen to me? Two of my biggest questions, that no one ever gave me a satisfying answer, until God granted me the understanding to see that If I would have had the perfect home and childhood I would not have the passion for abused children that I do. Well why did God take Julliard away? That was my dream, If he knows what will happen before it does, why did he let me live my life for dance and that school just to rip it away? Because it wasn't about me, God does not give us talent to glorify ourselves, we are suppose to use that talent to glorify him. He gave me the talent to dance, He took Julliard away so that my humble background would push me towards a dance ministry. The abuse in my past, and my childhood makes me understanding of the pain of a child. When they feel no one understands, I can honestly say, Yeah I get it, I was there once too. Everything I wanted to hear, God gives me the chance to say now. In order to relate to people in need of God, you have to have experienced bad times, he gave me the bad so I can help bring those who are lost and hurting to him.
Dad, When you think of your dad, most of you probably think back to fishing, little league and the you can be anything speech. Some of the girls here can probably share a laugh remembering the first boy they brought home, and their dad breaking out the guns. But unfortunately there are some here who share some of the memories I have, Screaming, Cussing, Hitting and fear. I have found I can no longer hate my father because I'm finally understanding that God wasn't punishing me with my childhood. God was using me. He saved a lost man, with a simple child and forgiveness. In learning to forgive my father, he learned how to let go of his past, and forgive himself, he found God again. I finally forgave myself, and my past, I finally understand it. I will never have all the answers I crave, because if I did I would stop searching.
In the end, things will be as God wills it. You can make things worse on yourself by pushing him away, and trying to do it your way, but eventually he will win. Everything we have, get, and loose changes and impacts us. Losing Julliard was a lesson in humility, had I been able to follow through with that I would have gained an arrogance. Knowing that you where in the top 5 percent does that. Now I see that God intended me to be good enough for that, but use my talents to help save children. The Air Force would have become a lifelong dedication and career leaving no time for dance. All the failed relationships, from brief flings to being left at the altar in a dress with an unfaithful groom. They all lead to one point, I was trying to fill the void that was left by my father. It finally sank in that it was GOD the FATHER that I needed, and that the drinking and drugs would never dumb or silence the nagging feelings of emptiness. I would always search until I stopped turning away and lived his way. I knew where he wanted me to end up, I just wanted to take the shortcut and live my way. I ended up getting hopelessly lost.


  1. qimissung's Avatar
    I think you say enough. It's pretty raw as it is.
  2. mtpspur's Avatar
    Now this is written upon returning from the memorial service of my best friend. I have reason to believe he is with the Lord. Much more reason then I believe my own father to be there as well. I do not nor ever have believed that. I would to throw out most of the Bible for that to be a truth. Now my mother--maybe but again doubt is much upon me.

    So my mood is mellow and prone to sympathy right now. You have always had that from me I believe. For someone that did not wish to expose themselves to freely oyu did a fine job of opening up yourself despite that. I have always felt better to admit the scars are there then pretend to a false peace. I believe God is bringing you to Him closer every day. By showing you how usatisfacotry life is when He is not in the equation. My hope and prayer for oyu now is that oyu start to enjoy being with the Lord and realizing just how much he is truly intersted in oyur happieness and His glory in your redemption. Tht thing I felt oyur testimony laced was the Lord Christ--He suffered all the things that freah is prone too, hunger, weariness, toil, distruct, rejection. His life is proof that we don;t have to be slaves to sin. It will toruble us all our days but we can be blamesless before the Lord in Him. Be at peace Steph. And call me Rich--Mtpspur is just a nickname.
  3. Maximilianus's Avatar
    From the point of view of a Christian, I think it's very well put and clear. I don't think it's depersonalized, because in many ways you make clear references to yourself and your past, which is not wrong in itself, and if you fear anyone should ever use this info against you, bear in mind that people may always use whatever against you, be it bad or good.
    As Stephanie surely knows already, my system of beliefs is completely opposite from what I've just read. However, such fact can't stop me from respecting how Steph puts her beliefs in words, and how fiercely she seems to be bonded to them, which is in itself a very remarkable attribute in a person.
    I think Juilliard lost a hell of a dancer, and the Dragonfly squad lost a hell of a CAG, but if in believing what you've chosen to believe you have found a sort of relief, then it's good, and if in transmitting what you believe to others you notice they find a sort of relief, then it should be good for both you and others who have gone through similar experiences.
    I will always admire, respect and love the author of this blog and her tenacity to put her feelings and thoughts into words. It doesn't really matter if I can't agree in everything. What really matters, in my humble opinion, is that somehow I feel I came to know a portion of the Stephanie within Stephanie, which should be better than knowing nothing ♥
    Updated 12-12-2010 at 03:46 AM by Maximilianus (typo)
  4. qimissung's Avatar
    That's a powerful, tribute itself, Max. Your friendship is a beautiful thing.
  5. Maximilianus's Avatar
    Thank you, qimi.
  6. stephofthenight's Avatar
    Thank you rich, and max I'm at a loss for words you have such a beautiful soul
  7. Maximilianus's Avatar
    You haven't seen it stained, but thank you. I feel yours is better though ♥