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Silas Thorne's Journal

Flat Hygiene

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1
We left it,
a cake of soap near his
door,
but he didn't
get it. We thought it was a good
hint, but, curtains
closed
he stayed, sweating, alone,
watching Porn.

Updated 11-03-2010 at 07:34 AM by Silas Thorne (Poor expression- murdered the culprit)

Categories
Poetry

Comments

  1. PrinceMyshkin's Avatar
    1, I think, is a beautifully realized vignette, but 2 seems to me to lack something: a hint, somewhere, of what an effort it is taking the speaker to sound so matter-of-fact when I suspect he is not, not at all.
  2. Silas Thorne's Avatar
    Thanks for your response. Both of these were rather quick sketches, experiments in fixed syllable length lines for practice, but from what you've said, and from looking at the poems again and again, the second one failed. Yes, I need to practise more with this pattern of syllable lengths. I have crumpled up the pixels that I wrote the second on.
    Updated 11-03-2010 at 07:29 AM by Silas Thorne
  3. AuntShecky's Avatar
    Thanks for directing me to your work. I thought it was in the "Personal Poetry" forum, but now , obviously, I see it's in your blog.

    I've read quite a few of them, and there are some noteworthy pieces. The two that stand out for me is the "Shanghai" poem and the "DaVinci" code one.

    Of the latter, my first thought was "Oh, no, not another vampire!" as that subject has been done to death. (Actually, it gives me an idea for one of my own blog topics, which I'll do in a couple of days.)This DaVinci one was clever, though, such as depicting the vampire in a history class. There is a grammatical error, though:
    "The old man, he" (You don't need the extra pronoun,"he.")



    Some comments in general. First, the more specific your topics and images are, the better the poem works; they don't work as well when there are abstractions and generalities. On the other hand, watch out for what I call the "potted plant" syndrome -- in which the poet thinks he ought to includes everything that was present at the scene which first inspired him. Poetry is about compression and distillation: make every word count.

    The preceding might be a symptom of your "earnestness"-- by that I mean, sometimes the artist's sincerity can work against art. Remember what Stravinsky said about being "sincerely insincere." I'm going to put that line in an essay as well.

    Thanks again for giving me a chance to read these, as your ideas have inspired me!

    Your friend,
    Auntie