Apathy and Disgrace
by, 05-09-2013 at 04:20 PM (825 Views)
What change a year can bring. Leaving behind the failure, frailty, and disgrace. Change typically frightens me beyond reason, yet this time I feel good about it. A foreign experience. Not one change, but many. I have the out, I have the in, I have the means. Everything I want, I can have. There is, of course, one problem (Only one?! How unusually optimistic).
In one aspect of my life, I find myself feeling apathetic. Apathy was unknown to me until this. It has taken me a while even to recognize it in myself. And now I have no idea what to do. I think perhaps its a coping mechanism; a stereotypic behaviour. Am I trying to protect something? Someone? I'm surprised at myself that I feel the need to cope. Why don't I just fix it? That is what I do, no? Decide what I want and then live for the pursuit of accomplishment? A cattle vet in a sundress? If it's not right, just walk away. Don't walk, run- like you know something they don't.
I think I know how to fix this, and yet I don't. Instead, stereotypy. Performing the behaviour reduces the stress of the environment. Stockholm syndrome? Wildly unfair, though uncomfortably correlative. Perhaps I'm being dramatic. I wouldn't say I'm suffering- simply not flourishing.
Ha, and instead of fixing the problem, I am attempting to use all the good changes to enrich the impoverishment. I think it unlikely to succeed, but I ought to test the hypothesis. I don't quite justify it, but I feel like I ought to. Ugh. Dangling prepositions.
I know for sure that my return to LitNet is part of the coping. An added enrichment. A fulfilled need, or at least an attempt to do so. I suppose we'll see.