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  1. Why I Shouldn’t Have Gone to Specsavers

    As someone, who, when young and in their prime, was blessed with extremely good eyesight, it is most vexing to experience, as a consequence of advancing years, the deterioration in visual acuity that more than half a century of looking at things seems to have engendered. No more crystal clarity and optical precision for Hawky, at least not without glasses. Distance viewing is less problematic for me, although there is an improvement when using mildly corrective lenses, but these days, close work ...
  2. Of Swans and Men

    It isn’t every day that one passes through the portal of a friend’s abode and is confronted with a tableau reminiscent of a frieze from classical antiquity. I mean, there was I, responding to the insistent telephonic summons of Phil, my tame millionaire, demanding delivery of the latest shoot video, and clutching said DVD in my sweaty paw, I opened the door, and there they were, cuddling a swan. Well, I say they were cuddling a swan, but in actuality only one member of the trio in the kitchen was ...
  3. Complacent Cat

    Complacent cat, you’re ten feet long
    Your paws are big as plates
    Your odour too is really strong
    How came you to this place?

    Your purr is deep, it rumbles so,
    Your eyes are large and golden;
    Those dentures must have length to spare
    And don’t, my heart, embolden.

    Your whiskers gleam as white as tile
    With points as sharp as needles,
    If I had those between my toes
    I’d use them to lance weevils.

  4. Secular Orthodoxy

    I have decided to open up my personal belief system of Orthodox Secularism to the general public, and herewith take this opportunity to invite the wealthier members of the forum to join my little sect. As I am, of necessity, the Principal Archimandrite of Secular Orthodoxy, I am particularly keen to attract millionaires to my congregation, their tithes being so much more worthwhile than widow’s mites.

    There is, as you would expect, no bowing, scraping or genuflection required of the
  5. Ode to a Dalek

    Darling Dalek, don’t evolve,
    Your latest incarnation,
    I’m afraid just leaves me cold.
    Where once you were a pepper pot
    With attitude, as like as not
    hardly friendly to the doc,
    the Tonka toy you have become
    looks far to cute: the pre-school primary colour scheme
    Is not appropriate to your theme.
    Exterminate! That’s what I want,
    malignant cruets being cruel,
    obliterating other life and raping
    Earth for fuel. So ...
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