Pretty Girl

[everydayAngel]

I've never posted here before, and maybe it's a bit quick to be posting a poem, but i came across the site and was like "ohhhh wow!"

Pretty Girl

There was a time
When you seemed happy
You laughed with me
You made me feel special
Like I meant something to you

I know now, I didn’t
You weren’t really happy
You thought you could fool me
I thought I could help you
You were wrong,
I knew you were sad,
I knew you wanted to die
I was wrong,
no one could help you
no one could save your life

Then you died
Outside, in the freezing
Frightening night, all alone
You snuck away
I didn’t see, I should have seen
You never came home again

We looked for you
But we didn’t find you
Not until the police came
Then we knew,
You were dead
You killed yourself
And I couldn’t breathe

[Shea]

Oh! What a sad poem! :( Quite the opposite of what I was expecting from the title and the first two stanzas.


I knew you wanted to die

no one could save your life


(for constructive criticism), if you left these to lines out of the second stanza, the poem would sort of 'Wow' the reader by the third.

What a sad poem! :( :( :( (I loved it!)

[Koa]

same here... the beginning seemed like the 'usual' love story ending...nothing special...Then...oh dear! :o It's a good way to surprise the reader indeed!

For the rest, i like it, even if the style is very simple...I don't know, i feel that-despite the great effect of surprise- something is missing to make it really perfectly strong, maybe a more imaginative language...

Good job anyway :)

[GimmyDiamond]

Wow . . . wow . . . I can relate to "I didn’t see, I should have seen" . . . and "I couldn't breathe" . . . strange, how until you actually have physically felt this way, it's just an awesome figure of speech . . . but once it's felt the words always seem inadequate . . . thanks for the poem (if you're even still active on LitNet :) )