piquant
05-03-2003, 03:05 AM
Well... I've never shared my poetry before, and feel I need some construcstive critisism to help me grow. Therefore, you all are just what I am looking for-- strangers whom I trust. Be Brutal! ;)
Parler
Hope awakens bleary-eyed
And I draw back quite surprised:
"Suff'ring nights and endless days,
Secret slums and quiet ways,
Time that ticks my life away,
Where were you when I felt this way?"
Foolish child returns to me
Angree because she could not see:
"Wretched aching in my breast
Because I could not give you rest,
Seeking just to help you find,
Why can't I help you sooth your mind?"
Hope did not hide, nor burrow deep,
Yet never did I try to seek:
"Miserey has its glitter too,
Raw emotions that can bruise,
Wounds to probe and to refresh,
Sweet sorrows' nectar tempts the flesh."
She played with anguish as a game
And did not think it would enflame:
"Pain breeds pain, but obeys the will,
Yet unfettered the soul will fill,
You've lost control of your agony,
And so it's time to come to me."
Foolish, foolish I have been,
but now I do repent my sin:
"Gentle Hope, my guiding hand,
I give myself to your comand,
Teach me to control my will,
Peace in pain and heart that's still."
My own problem with this poem is that it seems simple and contrived. It does not convey raw emotion as much poetry does. Although conveying of unhindered emotion was not my intent I worry that the poem becomes too weighed down in its own moral. It almost strikes me as stiff and pious.
Thanks for your input!
Parler
Hope awakens bleary-eyed
And I draw back quite surprised:
"Suff'ring nights and endless days,
Secret slums and quiet ways,
Time that ticks my life away,
Where were you when I felt this way?"
Foolish child returns to me
Angree because she could not see:
"Wretched aching in my breast
Because I could not give you rest,
Seeking just to help you find,
Why can't I help you sooth your mind?"
Hope did not hide, nor burrow deep,
Yet never did I try to seek:
"Miserey has its glitter too,
Raw emotions that can bruise,
Wounds to probe and to refresh,
Sweet sorrows' nectar tempts the flesh."
She played with anguish as a game
And did not think it would enflame:
"Pain breeds pain, but obeys the will,
Yet unfettered the soul will fill,
You've lost control of your agony,
And so it's time to come to me."
Foolish, foolish I have been,
but now I do repent my sin:
"Gentle Hope, my guiding hand,
I give myself to your comand,
Teach me to control my will,
Peace in pain and heart that's still."
My own problem with this poem is that it seems simple and contrived. It does not convey raw emotion as much poetry does. Although conveying of unhindered emotion was not my intent I worry that the poem becomes too weighed down in its own moral. It almost strikes me as stiff and pious.
Thanks for your input!