What do you think?

[piquant]

Well... I've never shared my poetry before, and feel I need some construcstive critisism to help me grow. Therefore, you all are just what I am looking for-- strangers whom I trust. Be Brutal! ;)

Parler

Hope awakens bleary-eyed
And I draw back quite surprised:
"Suff'ring nights and endless days,
Secret slums and quiet ways,
Time that ticks my life away,
Where were you when I felt this way?"

Foolish child returns to me
Angree because she could not see:
"Wretched aching in my breast
Because I could not give you rest,
Seeking just to help you find,
Why can't I help you sooth your mind?"

Hope did not hide, nor burrow deep,
Yet never did I try to seek:
"Miserey has its glitter too,
Raw emotions that can bruise,
Wounds to probe and to refresh,
Sweet sorrows' nectar tempts the flesh."

She played with anguish as a game
And did not think it would enflame:
"Pain breeds pain, but obeys the will,
Yet unfettered the soul will fill,
You've lost control of your agony,
And so it's time to come to me."

Foolish, foolish I have been,
but now I do repent my sin:
"Gentle Hope, my guiding hand,
I give myself to your comand,
Teach me to control my will,
Peace in pain and heart that's still."


My own problem with this poem is that it seems simple and contrived. It does not convey raw emotion as much poetry does. Although conveying of unhindered emotion was not my intent I worry that the poem becomes too weighed down in its own moral. It almost strikes me as stiff and pious.

Thanks for your input!

[Shea]

Sorry, I feel ignorant, but what does "parler" mean? :oops: I couldn't find it in my dictionary.

Though I love morality poems, I do agree with you about the stiffness. It's hard to put my finger on it, but I seemed to have gotten lost in the words of the first two stanzas. I sort of 'found' the poem by the third. I wonder about the quotes after every second line. I like the idea, but at first it was kind of confusing. Probably because I'm not one to notice puncuation much. When I did notice it, I realized that I connected with all the unquoted lines better. I especially liked the imagry of the first two!

There now, did I put my finger on it anyway? ;) All in all, I thought it was a well written poem and I did enjoy reading it (even the quoted lines). ;)

[Koa]

'parler' as 'to speak' in French maybe???

I liek the first stanza.... but then i really can't understand much... i tend to follow the rhythm and the rhymes and forget to pay attention to the concept lol.

[piquant]

Yes, parler is "to speak" in french. I was hoping the title would introduce the fact that it was a conversation. The conversation is between a person and Hope personified. Each stanza alternates speakers. The first two lines is what the speaker thinks, the last four lines in quotes is what the speaker actually says, and is the part of the poem where the conversation is held. I struggled trying to make this clear, but I guess it didn't work out very well. Do you have any ideas how to make it less confusing? Maybe I'll just scratch it and start fresh. Thanks for your help though!!!! ;)

[Koa]

aaah i see the light now! thanks for the explanation, it really makes it more understandable!

[Shea]

Actually, you really don't have to change anything about the poem. Just add a sort of footnote to the title. That way you don't have to ruin the poem with "explainations" and the rest of us will know what the word means. If I had known the meaning, I'd have worded my response very differently. This is coming from someone who reads Penguin Classics publishings because it has footnotes to explain passages that refer to things that might not be widely known. ;)

So my new opinion is: I think it's a brilliant poem and I wouldn't change a thing! :D (except maybe the typoes like "angree" and "sooth" ;) )

[piquant]

Thanks for your advice, I deffinately will add a footnote. Do you want to know something funny? When I sat here writing this poem I stared at "angree" for ten minutes trying to figure out how it was supposed to be spelled; and now I'm hitting myself for being so stupid....Actually it makes me quite "angry". :oops: Thanks again!

[Shea]

Isn't it strange how you can know how a word is spelled, but for a particular moment in your life it just looks wrong even when it's right? :rolleyes: