Hello im new - can you read my story and give feedback

[Troy Lenny]

It was a tenebrous night with delicate rain, glistening the pavement. Dim orange street lights only illuminated the street. In the under-shine of one was a figure clad in a blood-red cotton tracksuit and a navy-blue waterproof body warmer with his hands tucked firmly in the side pockets. The hooded figure had loitered for more than ten minutes now, occupying himself by pacing and twisting and turning, directionless. Twenty mor minutes ticked by and the rain now plashee and splashed violently. Small rivers of puddle gurgled into the drain. Scraping his heel the red-hooded figure irritably scrapped his heel against the moist pavement and proceeded down the street. Half way down the street the figure heard loud footsteps plashing nearer, so his head twisted. In the tenebrosity a grey-hooded jogging figure with blue jeans slowed to a stride with his hands tucked in his front pocket. "Sorry I'm late" he breathed. "Had some business to take care off" the fierce rain continued to plash against the ground, there was no reply. "So..." he prolonged "where is everybody?"
"I don't know" replied the red-hooded figure, sniffing hhis nose "probably the shops" he wiped his nose with the side of his finger.

[Troy Lenny]

I am new to writing g and would like feedback on how to make it more immersive and improve description. Also comments what I doen good. Thanks

[YesNo]

I would remove the first half and start with "Half way...".

Then I would remove the word "tenebrosity" since I don't know what it means.

How do you tuck your "hands" (plural) into your "pocket" (singular)?

Rather than "plash", I would use "splash".

If your computer complains about a word or phrase by underlining it or highlighting it in some way, make sure you fix it. Your reader may notice it also.

[Troy Lenny]

Thanks some interesting feedback. As for hands and pocket I suppose I needed better description as I meant the front pouch of a hoodie. Why did you think I should have started at half way out if interest. The effect was meant to be immersive

[YesNo]

The reason to start later in the paragraph was that the first part was all descriptive and the action didn't start until later. You don't want to lose the reader in the description. Also all the description seemed to be repeated later in the paragraph anyway.

Another thing might be to break that into two or more paragraphs.

[Welcheren]

Hi Troy.

Will give this read and post some feedback soon.

[Welcheren]

Hi again Troy.

I think YesNoMaybe raises a sound point about the way the introduction postpones action in favour of a description that is repeated later on. As an alternative to either deleting the first half, or breaking the introduction into two paragraphs, you could also use the first half to focus readers' attention on the frustration and impatience of your first character (in the red hoodie).

In other words, instead of only describing the climactic conditions, you can alert readers to the fact that this character is (for some reason) willing to wait in the rain (so that readers anticipate a good explanation later on), but at the same time he is becoming increasingly irritable (probably not only on account of the rain, but for another reason that has yet to be revealed).

To avoid over-description, you can do this a) briefly and b) by describing the red-hooded figure's behaviours rather than telling readers "he felt like this". Apply the old adage that it is better to show, rather than tell readers what a character is experiencing.

However, if I were you, I would measure this advice against other members' ideas before making any changes.

[Ecurb]

I have a couple of technical suggestions (to add to what others have said):

First, why "figure"? The word makes it sound like a mannequin is waiting in the rain, instead of a person. Why not "man" or "boy" (readers might think it's a woman until you use the pronoun "his")?

Second (this is a common mistake), does the sentence, "Dim orange street lights only illuminated the street." mean "Only street lights illuminated the street" or "street lights illuminated only the street"? The two images are different. "Only" is misplaced.

Third, is the rain "delicate" or does it splash "violently"? Aren't these opposites?

It's tempting to establish a mood through a description of weather, but take care! Your readers care more about people and their actions than about weather. When Kingsley Amis was asked what advice he could offer budding novelists he answered, "Never mention clouds."