What I Saw Going Door to Door

[Shea]

For about six months I went door to door telling people about wheelchair basketball. I met a lot of interesting people in those travels. This is just a discriptive poem about one of them.


Her oxygen machine clicked and buzzed.
I neatly rapped upon her door
A kitchen table covered in fuzz.

I came to tell her about my cause
but she was stooped, scrubbing the floor
her oxygen machine clicked and buzzed.

My ankle felt two petite paws.
A bold kitten escaped to explore
a kitchen table covered in fuzz.

At last she noticed through the noise.
Her shriveled smile mirthful evermore
as her oxygen machine clicked and buzzed.

Her money spent, she pitied the cause,
Four fluffy felines called her to implore
about a kitchen table covered in fuzz.

I saw her palzied hands rub
each of the twenty cats, a look to adore
while her oxygen machine clicked and buzzed
by a kitchen table covered in fuzz.

[Shea]

:( Do people just not like Vilanelles? :( Or am I just a bad poet? I'd really like some criticism, constructive or otherwise!

[Koa]

aaah sorry Shea... I just think it takes time to (at least to me) to read it carefully, so maybe noone had time to do it...

Well since i'm posting i'd better say something about it... Well it has the usual fizzy rhythm...but it's more 'strange' than the others... The 'oxygen machine' has some kind of weird attraction (or maybe it's just me cos as i said i'm fascinated by machines in poetry ;)). I should find the time to read it more carefully and check the meanings of some things (there are a lot of words i don't know, or that i kinda know but i can't really get into the real meaning of).

A bit cheered up? ;)

[Shea]

Yeah, thanks. :) When I met this woman, I couldn't believe that she was willing to put up with that noisy oxygen machine for the sake of those fluffy cats. I do believe that if she didn't have them, she wouldn't need it, or only need it part of the time. But she loved those cats so much that I think she would have died of depression without them!

[american_bad_angel1407]

i like your poems, however, im not going to critize it. I'm abosoultly no good at it, so i just shy away from replying on anyone's posts.

[firestarter]

i have to agree with you american bad angel. i am really not good at criticism so i just say in my opinion whether its good or bad. and i do thing that it is really good. its makes feel thoughtful, like wanting to understand the way you felt to make you write that poem.
firestarter

[Shea]

Tee hee! Firestarter, you must have been tired when you wrote that, you're phrases are kind of choppy! ;) But thanks all for the complements! I guess because this isn't a "soul searching" poem, not much could be said on it. I like observing people and trying to think of how one of the authors that I read from describe them. Instead of using them in a story, some of my characters come out in verse.

Is there anything in it that doesn't sound quite right or is confusing?

[firestarter]

well yes you have caught me, i have just spent the last six hours working on my research paper. (talk about procrastinating!), so yes forgive me if my sentences are kind of weird. Not that they make sense when im not under stress!, lol :oops:
firestarter

[b]

This is quite a funny poem, linguistically seen. (Forgive me if you didn't mean it to be funny.)

I have also written about these things once - after encountering some mental patients in a shopping center. But I don't think that's comparable to your poem.

Anyway: someting that I found remarkable about this poem was the repeated use of the words 'fuzz' and 'buzzed'. It really gives me an idea of mechanized life - not only because of the mechanic sound, but also because of the machanic repeat - and later even of mechanized thinking: I got a sort of machine-like, alienated impression.

Good job!

[Quickegreets]

There are some awesome topics and verses in this forum. Well away from the run of the mill poetry. This is another unique verse and topic. And it was thoroughly enjoyed over here.

[peeru]

i like your poem,actually it carries a new and nice topic

[Della~Moon]

well i think it's lovely and sad just like a good poem should be :rolleyes: