A rewrite

[Shea]

I wasn't sure if anyone realised that I rewrote "a new vilanelle" so I made a new topic for it. I was always told that a writer spends most of thier time editing, so here I've done it. I thought I'd try not to make it so prosy. Did I take out too much? :-?

Enlightenment

I went to Paris to see the pope.
Dreadfully hot that summer,
no air, no ice, no hope.

Jet lag pulled like a rope,
presumptions got stronger,
because I went to Paris to see the pope.

Enduring the journey with a mental note;
"no foundations" are not better
when there's no air, no ice, no hope.

Conciet let me silently mope.
Seeing graven images, no smarter
when I went to Paris to see the pope.

Discords neglected drift like a boat
bouying truth nearer
due to no air, no ice, no hope.

They refuted, said 'nope'
Later mocked, I know better
for I went to Paris to see the pope
where then no air, no ice, no hope.