What do you think?

[american_bad_angel1407]

Note: I have never let anyone read my poetry before, so I may not be that good! :oops:

Down on my knees,
Begging you to stay,
Baby, Don't leave,
Let's try to work this out,

You know that I love you,
You know that I need you,
Don't leave me,
Please, Baby, please,

Stay, don't go,
Don't walk out that door,
I can't make it by myself,
I simply cannot survive,

You're my everything,
My love, life, and soul,
You're my best friend,
You told me you'd be there til the end,

You said, "I do."
But now you don't,
So you're going to leave me,
Without your love,

What does she have,
That I don't?
What about our love,
Don't it count?

She doesn't love,
You like I do,
She wont be your only
one and true,

She's know for getting nervous,
When it come 2 settlin down
she only b nervous
cuz she's sleepin all over town

Baby, don't u see
what will happen when u leave me?
i'll die inside
i won't b able 2 take it

[Koa]

To be honest...

Some lines probably don't fit well with the rhythm, which is something that happens all the time in my poetry as well... eheh, it breaks my heart to get rid of a line...

Then... I find it a bit too direct... maybe more metaphors would fit better, but again im not the one who can judge on it, cos it's a problem i seem to have as well, in my view...

It reminds me a lot of boybands songs... :rolleyes: maybe because of the use of 'baby' ;), or because of the subject...

I can see some good ideas every now and then (sorry im in a hurry i cant quote), but i think that they need a better development...

Keep trying anyway, it will improve your style! (i say it from experience)

PS im quite new to showing stuff as well, but don't worry... you have the right to express yourself and noone is going to say that it's stupid or whatever (at least not me, cos i know how hard it is to find the courage to show...), we're entitled to like/dislike and criticise, but always with respect for other people's feelings...which are expressed by poetry...

[b]

Note: I have never let anyone read my poetry before, so I may not be that good! :oops:

Don't worry: this site is built to discuss and to improve your poetry.

Here's my comment:

When I read the fist lines, I immediately associated them with pop music, which I consider as a bad thing - sorry for that. Let me explain: pop music hasn't evolved from artistical whish to express your most personal feelings or to create a piece of art, but to commercially exploit the which for amusement by a large public.

I am not saying that you are writing unauthentical poetry for commercial purposes: in the background of your poem I do taste the motives of a true artist, so don't worry about that.

But think that you are still in search for your own, soverein and autentical style with which you feel all right. Though every stanza implies practically the same emotion - the pain and unmightiness of a failing relationship - you are using other words and examples in the different stanzas to express it. That is - of course - because of your search for style.

The danger of that search is that your poetry becomes boring to deal with, just like pop music. In the poem you don't image a feeling poetically - with metaphores, associations, language-games, etc. - but you just describe it on a relatively abstract way, which doesn't make the text a poem, but a pop-songtext whithout music!

As I already said, I tasted the motivations of a true artist in your poem. When you keep expressing your feelings and write more poems, I can assure you that you will find a nice style soon enough. In helping you find such a style, I am willing to read and comment any of your further artistic expressions.

Good luck.

[Koa]

When I read the fist lines, I immediately associated them with pop music, which I consider as a bad thing - sorry for that. Let me explain: pop music hasn't evolved from artistical whish to express your most personal feelings or to create a piece of art, but to commercially exploit the which for amusement by a large public.


Now we're going to take over the whole thread again, but i fully agree! About the pop music i mean! I was trying to avoid starting to complain about pop music nowadays tho...so i won't.

As for the poem of our new friend, i think B. Bloom, as usual, expressed himself much better than i did, but what i wanted to say is more or less the same...: it is a bit too much influenced by pop music, but it shows a research of style... I think everybody writes looong things before finding a way to express them in a better style...So as i said...Keep Trying! :) (and don't listen to pop music so much lol ;) *joking*)

[american_bad_angel1407]

I want to take the time right now while i'm not busy :D ..lol..to say a big thank you for you few who took the time to constructively critize my poetry. I am very thankful for you guys! No poet is going to improve without his or her coachs, so THANK YOU!! I plan to post more poems on this site, for I have a whole drawer full of poems that I have written, but it revolves around that TIME thing again..lol.. :D...I am 14 years of age and I spend most of my time writting poetry when I'm not at school. (And by the way KOA, I listen to pop music ALOT!! Actually, I listen music all the time, but not just pop. I like almost all music, country, spiritual, rap, pop, rnb, punk, alternative.....just to name a few! :rolleyes: !!)

[Koa]

Oh you're very young! Well i had a feeling you were very young, but not that young ( i would have said 16 ;))- not that it matters, i just feel old all the time ;)

[b]

Well, bad angel

I did expect you to be young, but this young...

I also began writing poetry when I was about your age, spending a lot of my time to it. And to what I can tell, your poetry is relatively good - having read the other poems you posted here.

But let me tell you one thing: when you want to write love poetry, use only emotions that you have had yourself. When you don't, you unnaturally are going to use the clichés of the society in which you live, desperately searching for ways of expressing your ideas about love. That is of course a very bad thing for your devellopment as a good poet, which I think you can become, considering your passion for poetry on such a young age.

My eventual advice is: be yourself.