exposure

[firestarter]

in fetal position i lay.
without protection except for my own.
without cover except for my clothes.
in the woods i stay.
without comfort except for the sound.
without company except for the ground.

above the world i float.
without oxygen for me to breath.
without glasses for me to see.
in the water i am in a boat.
without paddles for me to move.
without a motor for me to choose.

In a room i am still.
without a place for me to hide.
without curtains to cover my eyes.
In the grass i am on a hill.
with all of me exposed.
with all me alone.

yeah its a little than what i usually write, umm, sort of.
firestater

[b]

Hello firestarter,

The main idea about this poem is very nice, just like the previous poem you posted here. You express the feeling of loneliness, mental vulnerability and the Weltschmerz-tasting search for physical shelter on a very emotional way, which intrigues me.

But I think you can make sure that the feeling arives much better than it already does. By changing the style and the use of words on such a way that you get deeper into a readers mind, you might acchieve this. Similar to what I said about your other poem, the style of this one can become much more consistent and harmonic.

To help you - as I promised - I will comment it line by line, which is most effective. (Lines whithout comment are good lines!)

in fetal position i lay.
without protection except for my own.

(If I were you, I should use the demension of interpunction better. You can - for instance - begin writing on a new line (from 'exept to own') to build tension.)

without cover except for my clothes.
in the woods i stay.
without comfort except for the sound.
without company except for the ground.

(The last two lines don't fit in the metre of the poem. The repetitio you use here ruins the musical tension that you should have built up in the lines before: the sentence 'in the woods i stay' has brought a new demension to the poem, which is destroyed afterwards. To use rhyme in a poem must not influence the transmission of thought: that is also a danger that you have to eliminate. So DON'T use rhime when it's detracts the attension of the things you want to say. In this sort of poem, you should only use well known and very recognisable stylistic methods when it encourages the transmission of feeling.)

above the world i float.
without oxygen for me to breath.

(Isn't it 'to breathe' instead of 'to breath'?)

without glasses for me to see.
in the water i am in a boat.
without paddles for me to move.
without a motor for me to choose.

(The word paddles and motor don't seem to fit in the poem. The use of words and the choise of metaphores is very decisive for the atmosphere created, as I already explained. Therefore, the word 'moter' - especially - is a bad choise, I think. But since you are the creator of this poem, you must decide whether this is relevant or not.)

In a room i am still.
without a place for me to hide.
without curtains to cover my eyes.
In the grass i am on a hill.
with all of me exposed.
with all me alone.

(The sentence 'with all me alone' sound kind of weird, which perhaps is just the thing you wanted. But if you really want to compile a 'changing point' in the poem, I should be stylistically more decisive. You have chosen a lot of methapoheres to express you feeling with. But when you use to much methaphores from too many groups of methaphores - like clothes, ground, forest, water, atmosphere, curtains, grass, hill, room, glasses, motor, paddle, ETC - you don't get as deep in a persons thoughts as you might whish to, because your style isn't consistent.)

[firestarter]

i really dont know what i can say to that, i mean the analysis is good, the only thing i can really correct is the "with all me alone" line, i forgot to use the word of, meaning, with all of me alone.
firestarter

[IrishCanadian]

Well I think that B.B. was a little too harsh. Perhaps its none of my business but i rather liked the use of metre and rhyme throughout mecause it was new and different in its classicism. I think that Firestarter should perhaps proofread a little more before posting things on here. Nevertheless, such a grand critique is a lot to tae in one sitting from the poets point of view, especially considering that he?she considered the poem finished enough to post (as all of us who write reguarily know a poem is seldem ever finished even when we think it is). I like the dreamlike centre of events andthe fact that the uniformity in the stanzas was hidden with the different break in each line. One word of advice: try to consider the reader's reaction aswell as your own while still in the writing process.
Take it easy

[chispa]

the essence of your poem is very interesting.....may be you used too many metaphors .....I like it.!