Charlie5thumbs
08-04-2011, 03:40 PM
The Doctor tapped on the door lightly before opening it revealing the back of a frail woman in her late forties with thinning gray hair. She sat on her bed staring out of her window into the blue brightness of another fall morning.
“Miss Turner?”
Anne Turner turned her head slowly and looked at the doctor with welcoming eyes and a faint smile. She was pretty, but extremely haggard.
“Hello,” She said in a British accent.
“Hi. I’m Dr. Joyce.”
Anne didn’t say anything, but turned her face back to the window after an awkward pause. The seasoned psychiatrist cleared his throat and sat down on a large chair in front of her bed. He licked his thin forefinger and fumbled through a few pages on his chart before finally coming across her information. She seemed almost lost in a trance, drawing imaginary circles with her right hand. He was writing something and did not look at her.
“Miss Turner, how was your night? Did you get much sleep?”
“The same as always. Please, call me Anne.” She let out a deep sigh. “It’s been the same ever since April. That should be on your chart.”
He nodded. “Um…yes that’s correct.”
In typical intellectual fashion he removed his glasses, and placing the tip of an arm in his mouth he paused before asking, “Let’s talk a little about your dreams. Can we go all the way back to the very beginning?”
There was silence for about twenty seconds. He looked at her for just a moment but started writing again. She stared long and hard at him for a while, eyes vacant, yet almost pleading. His dry tone now made her feel a little uneasy. Slowly she said, “Well, about six months ago, I began having this nightmare. But I’ve been having it every night.” She moistened her chapped lips before continuing. “You know, I’m not crazy Doctor. A little disturbed perhaps, or emotionally unbalanced because of these nightmares, but I assure you that before they started, I was out in the real world and had a normal life just like anyone else. I can’t…help what I dream about.” She nervously twisted her bed sheet as she spoke.
“I know. Tell me about this dream.”
“Well, It begins like this: I’m on another planet, which one I don’t really know, and I’m in a very strange looking race car, with the driver’s seat in the middle. I’m wearing a shiny space suit and I’m driving incredibly fast, about 1,000 kilometers per hour, but I don’t know why and I don’t know where I’m going. It’s very quiet in there. I hear absolutely nothing. The landscape is desolate, but breathtakingly beautiful, the kind of beauty that almost brings tears to one’s eyes....larger than life volcanoes and mountain ranges and an atmosphere made up of colors that I can’t even describe.” Anne turned her head and looked out her window steering the invisible wheel.
“So I’m driving, and there is just so much beauty that’s surrounding me… I suddenly ask myself why I’m going so fast. Why am I not outside by that sparkling river over there exploring and taking everything in? So I slam on the breaks as hard as I can and the car skids to a stop after several seconds. As soon as the dust settles, I get out and take off my helmet. I take in a deep breath of this wonderful air. It’s the sweetest smelling air I have ever experienced. I look up at the night sky and I am just…in…awe! These clusters of stars, galaxies and nebulae! Other planets so close that I can almost touch them!”
“That certainly doesn’t sound like a nightmare to me. It sounds wonderf..!”
“But I’m not finished,” she said, slightly irritated at being interrupted. As she recounted her dream, she had became more animated, but now that vacant look had returned.
“I turn my head because I hear something. I look toward the horizon and…and…” “I’m sorry, I just need a moment. Could I perhaps trouble you for a glass of cold water?”
“Yes, of course.”
With a pill in her hand, she looked towards the window again and took a deep breath to compose herself. As the doctor got up from his comfortable chair with a slight expression of annoyance, his cell phone vibrated along with a jazzy melody.
“Hello?”
“Hey, what time do you leave the office?”
“I‘m not sure yet. Why?”
“I have a little surprise waiting for you. He’s out of town. All weekend!”
“Hmm..”
“I need you! When can you come over?”
He looked in Ann’s direction. She was staring at the floor and biting her thumb cuticle anxiously.
“I’ll be there as soon as I can!” He snapped the phone shut and returned without the glass of water trying not to show is excitement, but she said nothing about it. She took another deep breath and continued. Her face began to lose color and her hands trembled.
“As I was saying, I look toward the horizon, and I see them coming. At first it’s only a very large black line across that slowly grows larger. It looks like a wave, similar to those shock waves you see after an atomic explosion, but only a little slower. I finally see what this wave is actually made up of. Living things! I can’t make them out at first, but I see that they’re running, faster than I’ve ever seen any creature run. They’re coming right toward me. They get taller as they approach! Millions of them it seems! I finally come out of my stupor after a while and I run back to the car and try to get in but it’s locked! I can see them all clearly now. They are the most hideous creatures that I think the human mind is capable of imagining.” She was now breathing heavier. A few more moments passed.
“What happens next?”
“Nothing. That’s when I wake up.”
“You mean that’s it?”
“That’s it!” She looked at him somewhat incredulously. “I…well…I think unless you’ve experienced this kind of nightmare for yourself, you have absolutely no idea what kind of torment it is for a woman of my temperament. I’m terrified of going to sleep each night, even though I know what to expect! These dreams are more real to me now than my childhood memories! Oh you couldn’t possibly understand it from your point of view I suppose!”
As he arose from his seat he said, “I wasn’t making light of your dream, but I was maybe hoping for something a little more that I could work with. I’m going to need a couple of days to research a few-”
“Research? Wha…you’re leaving?”
“I am sorry, but I have many more patients to see today and-”
“That’s it? I thought you were supposed to be helping me?”
“Well, I do intend to help you Miss Turner. I just need time to analyze-”
“Analyze?” She shook her head angrily with a confused look. “I don’t need an interpretation Doctor, I already know what they mean! WHAT I WANT IS FOR THEM TO STOP!!” Suddenly aware that she was yelling, she flushed crimson.
“I just want them to stop.” She was silent for many more seconds. Her eyes becoming moist. “Is there any way you could explain to me why someone would be having the same nightmare over and over?”
“No, I’m afraid not.”
“Please don’t leave yet doctor!” She reached for his arm as if he were the only link left to her sanity. “Look, I..I…just need someone to talk to. Please! I’m sorry I shouted. I really am.”
“I’m here Miss Turn- I mean, Ann. I’m not going anywhere” he said as he reluctantly sat down. Her breath repulsed him so he pulled out a pack of chewing gum from his shirt pocket and offered her a stick which she politely declined.
“Why is everyone in such a hurry?” she was asking this more to herself.
“So you yourself have a theory as to what they mean?”
“Well, I don’t know for certain, but I think…” she paused a moment or two and looked at him anxiously. “Unfortunately, I think that in your mind, what I’m about to say just might confirm my insanity, but I really think that they might be some kind of a warning.”
“A warning.” He began to scribble again, but was actually only doodling a box.
“Yes. Look, there’s no way that I can logically explain this to you. It’s a just feeling! Actually it’s more than that. Each time I wake up, it’s like I just know it!”
“What is this warning Anne?”
Her look became solemn. “That they’re coming. These things, whatever they are. It’s like…their way of telling me. I don’t know why they would choose me, or anyone else! Perhaps others have received their message.”
“And why do you think they’re coming to Earth?”
“I haven’t any bloody idea, but I just know deep in my bones that they don’t have the best of intentions for the human race. You think I’m mad, and perhaps I am indeed! I could be completely wrong about this. But how can I know? I was hoping for some rational explanation, something to go by other than these “feelings.” But right now, that’s all I have.”
Doctor Joyce stopped scribbling and slowly looked up at her. They stared at one another for a few moments. A real human being was sitting right in front of him with genuine pain in her eyes and a diurnal terror that embraced her weary soul, but right now he couldn’t feel anything for her. He wanted to, but there was only a growing dislike for her that would turn into outright contempt if he didn't leave soon. He couldn’t understand why he felt this way. At that moment the only thing that he could think of was getting to his mistress before she cooled down.
“I think perhaps there is one good thing that has come out of all this believe it or not.”
“And what is that?”
“I think I may have learned in the last six months what it takes some people a whole lifetime to discover.”
She studied her dirty slippers with a stern look before looking up at him again, and for the first time there was the hint of a smile revealing mouth with at least three missing teeth.
“That every moment we live on this earth and every breath we take is more precious than you could ever imagine.”
“I know it is.”
“No. I really don’t think you do.” she said with a chuckle. “Oh everybody says that but how many really believe it? Who actually lives life like they believe it? How many of us can take at least a moment from our busy schedules and look at something, anything, and truly appreciate the wonder and beauty of it? When was the last time you just sat down somewhere and did absolutely nothing, nothing but maybe admire something simple that we tend to ignore everyday like a beetle, or maybe the reflection of the moon in your swimming pool on a warm summer evening while you soak your tired feet in it? And I mean really take it all in, every second of it. Every bite of a meal? Every time you make love to your wife? Every…drop…of…life?”
The doctor impatiently crosses his legs and with a crinkled forehead looked at his wedding ring and began to rotate it with his right hand. She continued pointing a finger skyward speaking softly as if she alone was privy to a mystical secret of infinite importance.
“The reason I say all of this is that each moment that they are not here, each day that they haven’t arrived yet, I’m eternally grateful for. I thank God for each minute that we still have to enjoy this world and to love those people who are in our lives. Each day that these giants are not, are not…here! But I’m sure they will be doctor. I don’t know when, but they will arrive someday! And when they do…God have mercy on us all!”
“I can appreciate your sentiments. I really can. Those are wonderful insights Anne. But I’ve got to say that not everyone has the luxury of this leisure time you speak of. Some days I barely have enough time in the day to eat a decent meal, much less think about it and enjoy it! Every hour of my day is filled to capacity because I chose a profession that would allow me to help people. He looked down, embarrassed at the sudden irony. And I think you may be forgetting who is supposed to be counseling who here!”
Resentfully, he got up from his chair and walked toward the door. Before exiting he added, “It is only a dream. I can absolutely guarantee that!”
“Can you Doctor?” She said cynically, yet hoping desperately that he was right.
“I really do have to get going. Good day Miss Turner.”
The Cadillac quickly pulled into the driveway. Before getting out, he thoroughly checked in his rear view mirror for any token of where he had been that afternoon. The scent of grilling steaks lured him into the backyard where he found his wife dressed casually in shorts and a sleeveless top. She looked a little prettier to him than usual. And playing by the swing set was his nine year old daughter who had a friend over for dinner. She forgot about the game they were playing for a just a moment as she saw him. She sprinted toward him and demanded her daily “squishy” hug. He squeezed her a little harder and for a little longer than usual.
“Daddy I can’t breath!”
“Sorry honey.”
She ran back to the swing set to resume her role play.
“How was your day babe?” His wife asked as she turned over several of the mouth watering steaks.
He looked at them, but he had suddenly lost his appetite. He didn’t say anything for a while.
“Uneventful.” Was the only thing he could think of.
He had gotten much better at lying since he met the other woman. He had almost perfected living a double life. But today for some odd reason, it came very unnaturally. The evening seemed too perfect. The delicious scent of burning charcoal in the air; the sky overcast just the way he liked it; leaves on every tree transforming into beautiful shades of gold and red, and the two people who loved him the most in the entire planet were right there, happy and healthy as could ever be. What more could he possibly want in life? But the thought of what he did that afternoon and the memories he created during the past year pricked and prodded at his conscience like a swarm of flies tormenting a dog. Also, the words that were spoken to him by his patient, though he tried hard to keep them out of mind, were plaguing him. Was he a little too proud to admit taking advice from someone who was more than likely clinically insane? Not about the dreams of course, but her philosophy was something he could agree with, at least partially. Yet he was afraid to think about it. Staying busy and extracting pleasure from his lover were pretty much his only diversions anymore, a way of staving off the inevitable. And what was that? Was it death? He didn’t even want to think about that. But that was the point. For him life was just like that car that Ann had talked about. Only he knew that it would crash and crash hard it would. He just didn’t know when.
She had suggested that we all slow down, that we drink everything in and cherish every second of our lives. But then what? Then what? Everyone and everything that he loves today will still eventually turn to dust! Somewhere he wanted to find that middle ground between loving life too much and not taking every good thing for granted.
It seemed like only yesterday that he was changing his daughter’s diaper. Above her head had twirled a colorful mobile that played “Send in the Clowns.” This melancholy little tune played a bit faster than it should have been, but it was saddest music he had ever heard and it would sometimes send him off into a fearful fit of depression afterward. He would stare into her eyes while it played and tried to envision her future, but he couldn’t. He desired desperately to hold onto that moment forever. But he couldn’t. He did cherish that one memory all his life, but would that make things any less painful if he were to ever lose her? Wouldn’t it make it even more so? He wasn’t sure. He wasn’t sure of a lot of things anymore. One thing he did know however, was that everyone thought about these eternal matters, but very few ever wanted to talk about them. The majority of people suppress these frightening thoughts by filling their lives
with stuff, with goals and ambitions, with activities which keep them occupied, that divert their attention from those disturbing thoughts about their final destination. He knew that ultimately, this was at the core of every one of his patients’ dilemma, yet he himself was in the very same boat. But there has to come a time when these issues must be thought of and thought of very carefully. We all have to face these giants who are on their way.
After dinner, which they had eaten outside, he walked over to the play set and sat on one of the swings. He lit his pipe and looked up at the countless worlds up in the sky. They could all be seen at once and this made him feel very small. There just had to be some meaning and purpose to it all.
That night, in his heart, he resolved to begin his search, no matter where it led him. The idea of God and religion and what it all meant for him personally had always frightened him, so he had tuned it out. On this night however, he firmly decided that he would humbly plead for this revelation. Right before he began to utter a this short prayer, Jazz music once again played in his pocket. He looked at the number and it was hers. He looked over at the picnic table where his wife and daughter were sitting beside each other laughing about something. They both had the same beautiful smile. He turned his phone off and held it in his right hand. He looked up at the heavens. Another day came to a close and they had not yet arrived. He thanked God that they had not yet arrived.
“Miss Turner?”
Anne Turner turned her head slowly and looked at the doctor with welcoming eyes and a faint smile. She was pretty, but extremely haggard.
“Hello,” She said in a British accent.
“Hi. I’m Dr. Joyce.”
Anne didn’t say anything, but turned her face back to the window after an awkward pause. The seasoned psychiatrist cleared his throat and sat down on a large chair in front of her bed. He licked his thin forefinger and fumbled through a few pages on his chart before finally coming across her information. She seemed almost lost in a trance, drawing imaginary circles with her right hand. He was writing something and did not look at her.
“Miss Turner, how was your night? Did you get much sleep?”
“The same as always. Please, call me Anne.” She let out a deep sigh. “It’s been the same ever since April. That should be on your chart.”
He nodded. “Um…yes that’s correct.”
In typical intellectual fashion he removed his glasses, and placing the tip of an arm in his mouth he paused before asking, “Let’s talk a little about your dreams. Can we go all the way back to the very beginning?”
There was silence for about twenty seconds. He looked at her for just a moment but started writing again. She stared long and hard at him for a while, eyes vacant, yet almost pleading. His dry tone now made her feel a little uneasy. Slowly she said, “Well, about six months ago, I began having this nightmare. But I’ve been having it every night.” She moistened her chapped lips before continuing. “You know, I’m not crazy Doctor. A little disturbed perhaps, or emotionally unbalanced because of these nightmares, but I assure you that before they started, I was out in the real world and had a normal life just like anyone else. I can’t…help what I dream about.” She nervously twisted her bed sheet as she spoke.
“I know. Tell me about this dream.”
“Well, It begins like this: I’m on another planet, which one I don’t really know, and I’m in a very strange looking race car, with the driver’s seat in the middle. I’m wearing a shiny space suit and I’m driving incredibly fast, about 1,000 kilometers per hour, but I don’t know why and I don’t know where I’m going. It’s very quiet in there. I hear absolutely nothing. The landscape is desolate, but breathtakingly beautiful, the kind of beauty that almost brings tears to one’s eyes....larger than life volcanoes and mountain ranges and an atmosphere made up of colors that I can’t even describe.” Anne turned her head and looked out her window steering the invisible wheel.
“So I’m driving, and there is just so much beauty that’s surrounding me… I suddenly ask myself why I’m going so fast. Why am I not outside by that sparkling river over there exploring and taking everything in? So I slam on the breaks as hard as I can and the car skids to a stop after several seconds. As soon as the dust settles, I get out and take off my helmet. I take in a deep breath of this wonderful air. It’s the sweetest smelling air I have ever experienced. I look up at the night sky and I am just…in…awe! These clusters of stars, galaxies and nebulae! Other planets so close that I can almost touch them!”
“That certainly doesn’t sound like a nightmare to me. It sounds wonderf..!”
“But I’m not finished,” she said, slightly irritated at being interrupted. As she recounted her dream, she had became more animated, but now that vacant look had returned.
“I turn my head because I hear something. I look toward the horizon and…and…” “I’m sorry, I just need a moment. Could I perhaps trouble you for a glass of cold water?”
“Yes, of course.”
With a pill in her hand, she looked towards the window again and took a deep breath to compose herself. As the doctor got up from his comfortable chair with a slight expression of annoyance, his cell phone vibrated along with a jazzy melody.
“Hello?”
“Hey, what time do you leave the office?”
“I‘m not sure yet. Why?”
“I have a little surprise waiting for you. He’s out of town. All weekend!”
“Hmm..”
“I need you! When can you come over?”
He looked in Ann’s direction. She was staring at the floor and biting her thumb cuticle anxiously.
“I’ll be there as soon as I can!” He snapped the phone shut and returned without the glass of water trying not to show is excitement, but she said nothing about it. She took another deep breath and continued. Her face began to lose color and her hands trembled.
“As I was saying, I look toward the horizon, and I see them coming. At first it’s only a very large black line across that slowly grows larger. It looks like a wave, similar to those shock waves you see after an atomic explosion, but only a little slower. I finally see what this wave is actually made up of. Living things! I can’t make them out at first, but I see that they’re running, faster than I’ve ever seen any creature run. They’re coming right toward me. They get taller as they approach! Millions of them it seems! I finally come out of my stupor after a while and I run back to the car and try to get in but it’s locked! I can see them all clearly now. They are the most hideous creatures that I think the human mind is capable of imagining.” She was now breathing heavier. A few more moments passed.
“What happens next?”
“Nothing. That’s when I wake up.”
“You mean that’s it?”
“That’s it!” She looked at him somewhat incredulously. “I…well…I think unless you’ve experienced this kind of nightmare for yourself, you have absolutely no idea what kind of torment it is for a woman of my temperament. I’m terrified of going to sleep each night, even though I know what to expect! These dreams are more real to me now than my childhood memories! Oh you couldn’t possibly understand it from your point of view I suppose!”
As he arose from his seat he said, “I wasn’t making light of your dream, but I was maybe hoping for something a little more that I could work with. I’m going to need a couple of days to research a few-”
“Research? Wha…you’re leaving?”
“I am sorry, but I have many more patients to see today and-”
“That’s it? I thought you were supposed to be helping me?”
“Well, I do intend to help you Miss Turner. I just need time to analyze-”
“Analyze?” She shook her head angrily with a confused look. “I don’t need an interpretation Doctor, I already know what they mean! WHAT I WANT IS FOR THEM TO STOP!!” Suddenly aware that she was yelling, she flushed crimson.
“I just want them to stop.” She was silent for many more seconds. Her eyes becoming moist. “Is there any way you could explain to me why someone would be having the same nightmare over and over?”
“No, I’m afraid not.”
“Please don’t leave yet doctor!” She reached for his arm as if he were the only link left to her sanity. “Look, I..I…just need someone to talk to. Please! I’m sorry I shouted. I really am.”
“I’m here Miss Turn- I mean, Ann. I’m not going anywhere” he said as he reluctantly sat down. Her breath repulsed him so he pulled out a pack of chewing gum from his shirt pocket and offered her a stick which she politely declined.
“Why is everyone in such a hurry?” she was asking this more to herself.
“So you yourself have a theory as to what they mean?”
“Well, I don’t know for certain, but I think…” she paused a moment or two and looked at him anxiously. “Unfortunately, I think that in your mind, what I’m about to say just might confirm my insanity, but I really think that they might be some kind of a warning.”
“A warning.” He began to scribble again, but was actually only doodling a box.
“Yes. Look, there’s no way that I can logically explain this to you. It’s a just feeling! Actually it’s more than that. Each time I wake up, it’s like I just know it!”
“What is this warning Anne?”
Her look became solemn. “That they’re coming. These things, whatever they are. It’s like…their way of telling me. I don’t know why they would choose me, or anyone else! Perhaps others have received their message.”
“And why do you think they’re coming to Earth?”
“I haven’t any bloody idea, but I just know deep in my bones that they don’t have the best of intentions for the human race. You think I’m mad, and perhaps I am indeed! I could be completely wrong about this. But how can I know? I was hoping for some rational explanation, something to go by other than these “feelings.” But right now, that’s all I have.”
Doctor Joyce stopped scribbling and slowly looked up at her. They stared at one another for a few moments. A real human being was sitting right in front of him with genuine pain in her eyes and a diurnal terror that embraced her weary soul, but right now he couldn’t feel anything for her. He wanted to, but there was only a growing dislike for her that would turn into outright contempt if he didn't leave soon. He couldn’t understand why he felt this way. At that moment the only thing that he could think of was getting to his mistress before she cooled down.
“I think perhaps there is one good thing that has come out of all this believe it or not.”
“And what is that?”
“I think I may have learned in the last six months what it takes some people a whole lifetime to discover.”
She studied her dirty slippers with a stern look before looking up at him again, and for the first time there was the hint of a smile revealing mouth with at least three missing teeth.
“That every moment we live on this earth and every breath we take is more precious than you could ever imagine.”
“I know it is.”
“No. I really don’t think you do.” she said with a chuckle. “Oh everybody says that but how many really believe it? Who actually lives life like they believe it? How many of us can take at least a moment from our busy schedules and look at something, anything, and truly appreciate the wonder and beauty of it? When was the last time you just sat down somewhere and did absolutely nothing, nothing but maybe admire something simple that we tend to ignore everyday like a beetle, or maybe the reflection of the moon in your swimming pool on a warm summer evening while you soak your tired feet in it? And I mean really take it all in, every second of it. Every bite of a meal? Every time you make love to your wife? Every…drop…of…life?”
The doctor impatiently crosses his legs and with a crinkled forehead looked at his wedding ring and began to rotate it with his right hand. She continued pointing a finger skyward speaking softly as if she alone was privy to a mystical secret of infinite importance.
“The reason I say all of this is that each moment that they are not here, each day that they haven’t arrived yet, I’m eternally grateful for. I thank God for each minute that we still have to enjoy this world and to love those people who are in our lives. Each day that these giants are not, are not…here! But I’m sure they will be doctor. I don’t know when, but they will arrive someday! And when they do…God have mercy on us all!”
“I can appreciate your sentiments. I really can. Those are wonderful insights Anne. But I’ve got to say that not everyone has the luxury of this leisure time you speak of. Some days I barely have enough time in the day to eat a decent meal, much less think about it and enjoy it! Every hour of my day is filled to capacity because I chose a profession that would allow me to help people. He looked down, embarrassed at the sudden irony. And I think you may be forgetting who is supposed to be counseling who here!”
Resentfully, he got up from his chair and walked toward the door. Before exiting he added, “It is only a dream. I can absolutely guarantee that!”
“Can you Doctor?” She said cynically, yet hoping desperately that he was right.
“I really do have to get going. Good day Miss Turner.”
The Cadillac quickly pulled into the driveway. Before getting out, he thoroughly checked in his rear view mirror for any token of where he had been that afternoon. The scent of grilling steaks lured him into the backyard where he found his wife dressed casually in shorts and a sleeveless top. She looked a little prettier to him than usual. And playing by the swing set was his nine year old daughter who had a friend over for dinner. She forgot about the game they were playing for a just a moment as she saw him. She sprinted toward him and demanded her daily “squishy” hug. He squeezed her a little harder and for a little longer than usual.
“Daddy I can’t breath!”
“Sorry honey.”
She ran back to the swing set to resume her role play.
“How was your day babe?” His wife asked as she turned over several of the mouth watering steaks.
He looked at them, but he had suddenly lost his appetite. He didn’t say anything for a while.
“Uneventful.” Was the only thing he could think of.
He had gotten much better at lying since he met the other woman. He had almost perfected living a double life. But today for some odd reason, it came very unnaturally. The evening seemed too perfect. The delicious scent of burning charcoal in the air; the sky overcast just the way he liked it; leaves on every tree transforming into beautiful shades of gold and red, and the two people who loved him the most in the entire planet were right there, happy and healthy as could ever be. What more could he possibly want in life? But the thought of what he did that afternoon and the memories he created during the past year pricked and prodded at his conscience like a swarm of flies tormenting a dog. Also, the words that were spoken to him by his patient, though he tried hard to keep them out of mind, were plaguing him. Was he a little too proud to admit taking advice from someone who was more than likely clinically insane? Not about the dreams of course, but her philosophy was something he could agree with, at least partially. Yet he was afraid to think about it. Staying busy and extracting pleasure from his lover were pretty much his only diversions anymore, a way of staving off the inevitable. And what was that? Was it death? He didn’t even want to think about that. But that was the point. For him life was just like that car that Ann had talked about. Only he knew that it would crash and crash hard it would. He just didn’t know when.
She had suggested that we all slow down, that we drink everything in and cherish every second of our lives. But then what? Then what? Everyone and everything that he loves today will still eventually turn to dust! Somewhere he wanted to find that middle ground between loving life too much and not taking every good thing for granted.
It seemed like only yesterday that he was changing his daughter’s diaper. Above her head had twirled a colorful mobile that played “Send in the Clowns.” This melancholy little tune played a bit faster than it should have been, but it was saddest music he had ever heard and it would sometimes send him off into a fearful fit of depression afterward. He would stare into her eyes while it played and tried to envision her future, but he couldn’t. He desired desperately to hold onto that moment forever. But he couldn’t. He did cherish that one memory all his life, but would that make things any less painful if he were to ever lose her? Wouldn’t it make it even more so? He wasn’t sure. He wasn’t sure of a lot of things anymore. One thing he did know however, was that everyone thought about these eternal matters, but very few ever wanted to talk about them. The majority of people suppress these frightening thoughts by filling their lives
with stuff, with goals and ambitions, with activities which keep them occupied, that divert their attention from those disturbing thoughts about their final destination. He knew that ultimately, this was at the core of every one of his patients’ dilemma, yet he himself was in the very same boat. But there has to come a time when these issues must be thought of and thought of very carefully. We all have to face these giants who are on their way.
After dinner, which they had eaten outside, he walked over to the play set and sat on one of the swings. He lit his pipe and looked up at the countless worlds up in the sky. They could all be seen at once and this made him feel very small. There just had to be some meaning and purpose to it all.
That night, in his heart, he resolved to begin his search, no matter where it led him. The idea of God and religion and what it all meant for him personally had always frightened him, so he had tuned it out. On this night however, he firmly decided that he would humbly plead for this revelation. Right before he began to utter a this short prayer, Jazz music once again played in his pocket. He looked at the number and it was hers. He looked over at the picnic table where his wife and daughter were sitting beside each other laughing about something. They both had the same beautiful smile. He turned his phone off and held it in his right hand. He looked up at the heavens. Another day came to a close and they had not yet arrived. He thanked God that they had not yet arrived.