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Delta40
07-15-2011, 09:24 PM
I don't know Effie well but she is hard to ignore. At first glance, it's certain she defines the term eyesore. No matter what backdrop you put her against, her ugly being will spoil the sweetest of views. A Michelin woman wearing a grubby, smelly pink tracksuit at least two sizes small.

'I just want people to appreciate who I really am. It's not my problem if they can't see past me.'

Perhaps she is right but she barks out the statement like one of Pavlov's slavering dogs. When the lunch bell rings, she does just that, heaving her pudgy arse to the cafeteria, so I am not exaggerating.

Her afro ginger hair is the source of taunting too. Some Africans call her an albino nigger but she is not fast enough to catch them. She once told me that hair is not important. 'Hair does not a woman make because if it fell out tomorrow, I'd still be the same person wouldn't I?'

She is repulsive in looks, action and personality to the point where her snarling wisdoms fall on deaf ears.

Effie is an involuntary patient and can't get access to money to buy cigarettes. She stomps around the locked courtyard, her globular shape bouncing and for a moment, I can almost feel the earth vibrate under her gross weight. She shouts out at everyone she approaches.

'Have you got a smoke? I really need a smoke. I'm going crazy and all I need is one smoke. Just one. I'll pay you back as soon as I get my hands on some money.'

There is a mixed bag of responses ranging from 'Sorry, this is my last one' to 'Get stuffed you fat mole.' Effie is reduced to pleading only to be met with abuse, anger and even laughter. Finally she pulls her shoulders back, revealing how low her sagging breasts sit on her jelly belly. She argues with them all, calls them names, till eventually she thumps over to the farthest seat in the courtyard and cries. It makes little difference. Nobody is moved by the awful whining sound of her tears. They are as ugly as she is and it is all too apparent that nobody likes her much.

So why do I sit next to her when I visit?

Her walrus like cheeks flap as she looks away from me. Her entire being is a massive emotional deflector and perhaps, but I will never know, rejection is the blood which pumps her heart. I wonder if there was a time when her green eyes, now hid by drooping, fat lids shone like emeralds. Surely even Effie had all the hope that life was ready to offer her? I can only guess. It isn't polite to probe into the life of a woman has lost anything that ever meant something to her, no matter how unsightly she appears.

'Hi Effie' She looks at me suspiciously as if to say 'What cruel joke are you gonna play on me now?'

I light up a smoke and offer her one. She grabs it in case I don't really mean it. It has happened to her before. Some patients for fun offer her a smoke only to withold it and laugh at her buoyant act. She does her best to jump like a starving dog leaping for a bone but she never succeeds.

'Ya see? That dumb b itch falls for it every time!' It's cruel and I question what loving God creates people this way. Has this been His constant joke throughout her life?

Did her Daddy tease her with sweets? Maybe her mother used to tell her she was the prettiest girl in town and then later, over drinks laughed with her friends what a mutated monster Effie really was. Did the child standing behind the door hear every word, feeling the throes of misery stab into her raggedly like a blunt knife?

Is this locked courtyard any different from the schoolyard where children tormented her, calling her Elephant Effie? I conclude her pain is measured in gallons and curse whoever helped shape Effie this way.

I am happy when she lights up and breathes in the one thing she loves. I imagine I can hear her thanks with each puff and together, we drink in the serenity of the day. She snorts that she has few friends and when I stub out my cigarette, she clutches my wrist and asks me to light a candle for her when I get home.

'I don't know who else to ask so will you do this for me? I know you're busy but I could do with a blessing from Our Lady.'

'Sure Effie. I'll even say a prayer for you.' She snatches her hand back like she has been burned and grunts in disgust.

'F uck God! And I don't need no prayers from people like you! Just burn me a candle like I asked.'

'A candle it is then. If I see you in the courtyard next week I'll have a cuppa with you if you like.'

Effie bursts into hoarse, rasping tears. 'Don't tell me I'll still be here! Why are you saying that?' She chokes and I cringe at the snot collecting on her lip. 'I can't take much more of this. Just piss off ok?' She turns away from me and lapses into convulsive crying while I apologize and take my leave, thankful to escape her hideous situation.

As I reach the security door, I look back and see Effie pick up my butt from the ground and light it. I ponder whether talking to her is doing her any favours.

Perhaps me giving her one cigarette each week is the cruellest joke of all.

fizickse
07-15-2011, 09:44 PM
i see potential for this turning into an actual novel

i am interested in reading more about this character of effie, who seems really pitiful

Delta40
07-15-2011, 09:46 PM
Thanks Fizickse. I am actually using the short story forum to help me develop characters for a play that I'm thinking of writing and I am interested what other people think about the characters and their authenticity.

fizickse
07-15-2011, 09:49 PM
effie is inherently interesting, as nobody likes her, but she has to fend for herself in this harsh world. maybe she should have one particular strength that would make others jealous of her eventually. i think that would be a good idea, although i've never written or read about plays much before

Delta40
07-15-2011, 09:52 PM
I really appreciate your feedback and I will think about her hidden strength.

fizickse
07-15-2011, 09:58 PM
it could be a dark comedy horror play, where effie kills people by sitting on them until they suffocate

or it could be an inspirational play, where effie becomes an extremely talented artist

or it could be a hi-tech suspense thriller play, where effie turns out to be the fastest typist in the world, and is responsible for coordinating ground level troops in a futuristic world war

the possibilities are ENDLESS!

Delta40
07-15-2011, 10:02 PM
ha ha. I like your sense of humour! I'm thinking she is just one of several characters. I posted another short story called Pea & Ham soup about another character I've been toying with.

Twota
07-15-2011, 10:15 PM
I really enjoyed reading this, it's sad, i know many people like Effie and you 've described them perfectly. And I like the - sitting on people idea - fiz xD

Delta40
07-15-2011, 10:18 PM
I really enjoyed reading this, it's sad, i know many people like Effie and you 've described them perfectly. And I like the - sitting on people idea - fiz xD

You see? You just gave an excellent review!

Maybe she collapses and crushes one of the other patients who have taunted her.....mmm

Twota
07-15-2011, 10:24 PM
OR- just like Anne Hathaway in Princess Diaries ;D and she becomes the hottest girl and learn how to properly speak and surely not to grunt. Mmmmm

Delta40
07-15-2011, 10:26 PM
Now you're starting to sound like My Fair Lady!

Twota
07-15-2011, 10:29 PM
Lololol :D

cyberbob
07-15-2011, 10:48 PM
This looks like it could be a novel.

I wouldn't have her get a make over. Her character seems tragic and, in my opinion, should be treated more subtly.

Have you read The Things They Carried by Tim O'Brien? It's a series of interconnected war stories and some look specifically at one character.

That's what I could envision this as. One piece among several that form a large whole.

Delta40
07-15-2011, 10:53 PM
Gosh thanks Cyberbob! I haven't read the book but I will google its review now to get a basic idea.

It is an interesting idea, a piece among several that form a large whole as if I would write the sum of our parts or something....

Delta40
07-16-2011, 08:57 AM
You should check this site out it's way more fun and colorful than this site. It includes polls, monthly winners, book reviews a chat room to share ideas, best story extracts and much more... check it out!
:yawnb :

www.stories4everyone.webs.com

I posted this story for reviews from fellow Lit-Nutters and would appreciate it if you don't use my work as fodder to advertise other sites.

Steven Hunley
07-16-2011, 07:18 PM
All things considered this is my favorite piece from you yet. We usually think of how to make our characters more loved by the readers, or more memorable. They may be evil, Sheriff of Nottingham types. that snarl and bite. Yet this one is memorable without being evil. Repulsive is more her style. Few authors have made deep enough tracks with this kind of character. You just have.

I think a fully realized character speaks for itself. The words are just right. but I'd change, "Did the child stand behind the door and hear every word, feeling the first throes of misery stab into her like a blunt knife?" to

Did the child standing behind the door hear every word, feeling the throes of misery stab into her raggedly like a blunt knife? "

But that's just me.

Delta40
07-16-2011, 07:31 PM
I edited it at your suggestion. Love the word raggedly! Thanks for the review Steve

AuntShecky
07-25-2011, 03:57 PM
Using disagreeable characters for primary subjects is well-precedented in the world of literature. (You must've been reading some Faulkner.)

Even so, this is beautifully written, showing as much about the narrator as the beleagured chief character. Still, the narrator is not completely unsympathetic. This paragraph, especially, shows a softer side and a mind that is slightly open:
Her walrus like cheeks flap as she looks away from me. Her entire being is a massive emotional deflector and perhaps, but I will never know, rejection is the blood which pumps her heart. I wonder if there was a time when her green eyes, now hid by drooping, fat lids shone like emeralds. Surely even Effie had all the hope that life was ready to offer her? I can only guess. It isn't polite to probe into the life of a woman has lost anything that ever meant something to her, no matter how unsightly she appears.

I say this despite the fact that the narrator's word choices and descriptions are scathing. But they are not without a mordant wit. Loved the use of "Michelin" for example. (The puffy, marshmallowy tire-man must be an international logo.)

On a larger scale, it begins from what appears to be, sadly, epidemic in modern society--judging people superficially, assigning value to appearances.

As in most of your work, there is a lot going on here that doesn't immediately meet the eye.

Delta40
07-25-2011, 07:42 PM
Thanks Aunty. I don't know why but I always feel honoured when you post a review on my work. Effie definitely is disagreeable and I enjoyed the challenge of invoking a smidgen of pity for her.