Moment at McCullen Creek

[everyadventure]

Our secret place,
where the crooked cottonwood
bows low over the creek.
Branches kiss the water,
sheltering the hollow where trout hide.

Languidly draped on limbs,
we watch skaters skim the surface
and idly dare each other to skinny-dip.

I am sipping on a honeysuckle blossom,
velvet-napped petals sugaring my tongue.
I up the ante with a double-dog dare.
You raise an eyebrow, then slide off your branch.
I sit up to watch.


You watch me watching you.
Crickets buzz loud in the heat.
A streak of sunlight hits the water;
brilliant incandescence throws you into shadow.

The world wavers.

[hallaig]

Last ten lines are so good it makes the first 8 seem unecessary, except for the fact of the skinny dip dare. Incorporate that into these final 2 sensual dreamy sections? Lovely.

[AuntShecky]

At first I thought this was a lovely lyrical picture and was going to leave it at that, but a closer look shows me that there is more to it beneath the surface.

The first stanza ("strophe") opens the piece beautifully, but then, just as I was led to believe that the setting was the summertime, these lines threw me a curve:
we watch skaters skim the surface
and idly dare each other to skinny-dip.
"Skaters" in the summer-- or skinny-dippers in the winter?
Then it dawned on me-- "skaters" must be a regionalism for waterbugs who float on the surface, am I right?

Speaking of bugs, these lines made me think that the speaker and the "you" which is addressed might belong to an invertebrate species themselves:
I am sipping on a honeysuckle blossom,
velvet-napped petals sugaring my tongue
but then a couple lines later I see the word "eyebrows" so I'm back to picturing homo sapiens again.

I loved the use of "incandescence" --perfectly depicting the effect of sunlight on water, as well as the movement of both light and water would appear to "waver."

Still, the deeper meaning of that short last line has me
stumped -- and that's good!

[Jack of Hearts]

This reader has to agree, ea- those last lines are quite good.





J

[everyadventure]

@hallaig, I do believe that's the second time you've nixed the first stanza in a poem of mine-- and both times I was utterly surprised to see that you are so right! Out of curiosity I'll need to go back through the archives and see whether ALL my poems need to lose their beginnings!

@Aunt, you're right, I had a moment of hesitation before using "skaters" because it's so colloquial... but it was what I wanted to say, and HOW I wanted to say it, so I was hoping it wouldn't throw anyone too far off course. Glad you got there in the end.

@Jack, this reader is so glad you liked it :)

[MystyrMystyry]

I can't add much more, but this is particularly good every

[hillwalker]

I think the opening stanza(s) set the scene perfectly - and there's enough ambiguity to suggest the presence of a 'non-human' intelligence at work. I like it.

H

[PrinceMyshkin]

I didn't notice this until today, and love it; love the whole of it. I quite agree with Hillwalker though I don't see what he means by the "non-human intelligence". As I understand it "the world wavers" because of the effect on the viewer/reporter's mind of all these brilliant sensations.

[Bar22do]

I enjoyed it through. I could indeed make two poems, but as it is, it gives a back feeling of a bit of disquietude, despite a perfect beauty of a summer day and a quiet relation. Nicely done, ea.

[Jerrybaldy]

Hello Miss Adventure.

Four points.

1. It reads very much to me like your recent posting 'Done'

2Skaters is not so colloquial as it is use here too.

3 What the hell is a double dog dare?

4 Like 'Done' , I loved it

[MystyrMystyry]

'I dare you'

'I double dare you'

'I double dog dare you'

[everyadventure]

@Jerry: You'd best not ask what a double dog dare is, or I'll have no choice but to give you one.

@MM: You would fit right in. Are you a tree climber too?

[Jerrybaldy]

Miss. I think you will see that i did :P

[IceM]

Our secret place,
where the crooked cottonwood
bows low over the creek.
Branches kiss the water,
sheltering the hollow where trout hide.

Languidly draped on limbs,
we watch skaters skim the surface
and idly dare each other to skinny-dip.

I am sipping on a honeysuckle blossom,
velvet-napped petals sugaring my tongue.
I up the ante with a double-dog dare.
You raise an eyebrow, then slide off your branch.
I sit up to watch.


You watch me watching you.
Crickets buzz loud in the heat.
A streak of sunlight hits the water;
brilliant incandescence throws you into shadow.

The world wavers.

I always find such beautiful imagery in the poems you've been posting here ea, something I don't get to experience as much as I did when I was but a few years younger. To think that I'm 18 and not getting out much makes me regret my innate hermit habits.

As I just noted in another poem of yours, you have a clear sense of a beginning, middle and end in your works, not suggesting that the path is linear, but that, as in music, your works end on a perfect cadence, leaving the reader satisfied and not longing for anything beyond that which is skillfully provided in your works.

Another thought I've been toying with is: can there be too much imagery in a poem? This isn't condescending of your work; rather, it's laudable that you create such cozy, vivid images. It's just that, in your work, I see a part of which I try to accomplish--provide an atmosphere both tangible and efficient. And while the superfluousness of imagery rests with the reader, I just wonder if sometimes too strong of an image can be given.

Regardless of my non-essential previous paragraph, your poem is effective. The mild ambiguity and the playfulness of your dare is effective. Skaters seems to me a little too colloquial, only because of the familiarity of that word in conversation in my region of California. And while the consonance? between skaters and skim is artistic, the strong k sounds contrast with the fluidity of your light, delicate use of sound.

Thank you for posting!

[everyadventure]

something I don't get to experience as much as I did when I was but a few years younger. Tell me about it. It seems all of my happy poems are set at least 10 years in the past...


As I just noted in another poem of yours, you have a clear sense of a beginning, middle and end in your works, not suggesting that the path is linear, but that, as in music, your works end on a perfect cadence, leaving the reader satisfied and not longing for anything beyond that which is skillfully provided in your works.
Why, thank you!


Another thought I've been toying with is: can there be too much imagery in a poem? An interesting question. Especially when you bring in the old adage to "show not tell." For me personally, when I write a poem, it's all about mood. Do the details set/contribute to the mood? I want my readers to feel what I am feeling, and it seems the best way to do that is to put them in my shoes, so to speak...


And while the consonance? between skaters and skim is artistic, the strong k sounds contrast with the fluidity of your light, delicate use of sound. I have a lot of that strong k sound here: seCret, Creek, Cottonwood, Kiss, CricKets, streaK.

Thanks for your input, you always give such thoughtful, thorough comments!