Sleeping Quarters

[Bar22do]

I scream, but no one hears,
it is a dream. My body folds,
as in it, sleep beckons my presence
and whips me into its wake.

Then it is day: dew in park flowers,
streams gushing along pavements‘ rim,
the river’s arc – Paris.

Traces left for untold deserts.
I listen, but echo pads my seclusion
with only sands’ hissing.

At night, yet again the yell,
enough to pierce dream’s eardrums;
without, all dives in silence,
within, sleep questions, in wonder.

[symphony]

I wish I understood this poem better. But well, often the half-understanding, or rather, the half-mystery, of a poem is what attracts me to it.

I felt like commenting on this one mostly because even without understanding it fully, I can surprisingly connect well to it. I have myself started a poem on escapes in dreams recently, and hope to finish it someday soon. Sleep, dream- both to me are things that can be communicated to minds more easily through poetry, music, art, etc than through talk, prose, body language etc. And I am sure I can connect better to your dream now, than if you had talked to me about it in person. I find it wonderful, to think that all the time I spend talking (and I'm a very talkative person!) does not give me the overwhelming satisfaction of finally expressing myself well that a poem gives so easily. It is probably the reason I started loving poetry a few years ago.

And how else could one express the silence within a scream so well, if not in this poem!

[MorpheusSandman]

A gorgeous, very impressionistic piece, Bar. I think it really nails that moment between sleep and awake when your senses start piecing together the world in bits. But it's also got a subdued sense of rage and frustration, even being trapped, especially being bookended with the "screams". I love: "sleep beckons my presence/ and whips me into its wake." About my only negative criticism is you lose me a bit in the third stanza, but the rest is golden.

[PrinceMyshkin]

There is something about these lines:


I listen,
but echo pads my seclusion
only with sands’ hissing.

in particular that seem, to me, to express a painful claustrophobia.

[Bar22do]

Thanks so much symphony, Morpheus and Prince for your reactions.
symphony, your interest and close reading of this effort is a compliment for me, as is your genuine connection with its essence. Morpheus, you too seem to have identified what felt crucial to me here. S3 meant to give a clue to N's frustration, but I might have failed to express it properly... Thank you both.
Prince, N's seclusion would do with some sustenance which it doesn't get, hence N's frustration; not claustrophobia, though. N enjoys solitude.

Working more on this one,

Best regards to you three and to all, Bar

[blank|verse]

It's a strangely unsettling poem this one, Bar, and one I'm not entirely sure I understand. Like Morpheus, I was left a bit baffled by the 'deserts' (and 'echo') of the third stanza.

I liked the use of 'wake' in the first stanza; and the river's 'arc' is a triumphantly subtle pun as the poem is set in Paris (although how deliberate that was I'm not sure; I don't think puns are that appropriate here).

I'm not overly keen on the use of apostrophes - "pavements' rim", "sands' hissing", "dream's eardrums"; and I think there are too many examples of this in the poem.

But it certainly captures that disorientation of sleep deprivation well.

[Bar22do]

Hmmm... I must keep the echo and deserts for myself, then... ah. Thanks so much for reading and commenting, B/V!
I'm still working on it, but fear that I'm ruining its first (obscure) impulse... could I at least leave "dream's eardrums" whose sound I like? I'll return with a revision, soon... btw, "arc" wasn't a pun, The Seine arcs while crossing Paris, but "curve" might be better.
At least you liked my use of "wake"... thanks so much for your devoted contribution!
Best regards, Bar

[blank|verse]

Hi Bar. It's up to you what you keep in the poem, of course, but as much as "dream's eardrums" might sound nice, it's quite an abstract image so doesn't really have the visceral punch one expects when an eardrum is being 'pierced'.

I'm none the wiser about the desert and echo... something to do with Cleopatra's needle? Or have they made a beach in Paris like the one in Barcelona? Hmm...

[hillwalker]

As baffling and personal as any dream

- I was conscious of the contrast implied between the waking world (dew/streams/river) and the vestiges of the dream that seemed to trail along behind you (the echo of footsteps crossing a desert perhaps?)

- infuriating perhaps, but ultimately enjoyable to read (but I also thought 'pavement's rim' was one apostrophe too far).

H

[Bar22do]

B/V, good point, of course, thanks as always. No one can be wiser with my "deserts" I'm afraid, it has something to do with a haunting encounter I made at Massada's foot when I visited.

One more attempt, before this goes to (eternal :sad:) sleep?

Sleeping Quarters

I dream. My body folds and holds back a scream:
a presence beckons and whips me into its wake.

Ordinary morning sets in: dew in park flowers,
the river’s curve at Alma Bridge, a flame – Paris.

Whisperings departed for untold deserts. At the brink of light,
echoes fill my solitude with only hissing of sands.

Night again and that yell, tearing dream catcher's net;
outside, silence is shaken, dread leaking into darkness.



Best regards, Bar

[Bar22do]

Hill, I've just seen your comment. I'm glad you found it enjoyable to read, even if infuriating! (Hope the revision is less infuriating... what? more?!!!)

Thanks and best to you, Bar

[deryk]

I like the way we are rent from dream-space into an arc that is equally as dreamy. I was surprised by the sand. It's very elemental and when we return to dream-sleep I wonder immensely where the yell originates from. It is a nice piece for wander-lust (or the dream-lust therein).

[Bar22do]

Thank you deryk, the way you take this poem is a great relief for me. But did you have a look on the revision (post #11) as well? It would be interesting for me to know how the second reads to you... Thanks in advance! Best regards, bar

[deryk]

I preferred the original. Dream's eardrums is a much better conduit between the dream state and abruptly-woken state. It evokes what is actually happening and didn't strike me as abstract at all, even with dream as possessive. It seemed downright logical to me. Your eardrums were pierced in midsleep and transferred the connotation from dream to reality. It is also superior to the dream-catcher in immediacy, shrillness, and the overall gestalt. I thought it fit perfectly. Gushing streams also swept me along to the arc of the river better. I haven't made up my mind about the desert sequence. Unless, I've vastly misinterpreted something, I thought it was an easy read to begin with. Don't fix what isn't broken.

[MorpheusSandman]

I think I slightly prefer the original too. What I think might suit this piece is a varying of the line-lengths. Perhaps shorter in the beginning and end, longer in the middle. I think it's those middle images that need to breathe more, while the first and last are more impressionistic and stand on their own. But what I think the second gives is a better sense of narrative progression. It seems now that the bit about the sands are referring to the "sands of time", as well as a metaphor for something vast and barren, and I rather like how that mediates the transition between awaking and the next night.

[Bar22do]

Your feedbacks, deryk and Morpheus, are precious. I will now give these drafts a rest, to allow time (and thought) to (hopefully) mature them and extract what may inspire the reader best.
Thanks so much for your help.
Best regards to you both and to all, Bar