In The Dark

[_Shannon_]

It's not the greatest, but it's what I've got and I haven't written in awhile so....

In The Dark

It's in the dark where I can be anything,
I can make believe whole dream worlds
where I dance and come clean.
It's in the dark where hands never hit my face,
I never turned black and blue
where those blows landed.
It's in the night where I can be who
I always meant to be,
where my soul escapes this body.
It's in the night where I never gave in,
I stood my ground here
where I gave everything away.
It's with music playing I can disappear,
I can fly on those words
where my heart is consumed.
It's with music playing and lights down low
I am completely alive
where I will let you love me if you try.

[hillwalker]

I don't know why you feel you need to include a disclaimer at the start, Shannon. There should be some kind of 'punishment' for anyone who disses their work even before we get a chance to read it. A black mark on each occasion perhaps - 5 black marks and you're forced to sit it out for a month..... (I hope the mods aren't listening).

There are some very dark images behind this poem, yet its written without a shred of self-pity or guilt on the part of the narrator.

On first reading I felt the repetitions were distracting and rather forced ('in the dark', 'in the night' and 'in the music') but in hindsight they are an effective method of reaffirming the writer's ability to be who she really is.

Powerful stuff.

H

[_Shannon_]

Consider me chastened :)

I really hate the last line..but I was writing in this bar at open mic nite, where we always get a little rowdy and, I was just trying to capture how I feel there...

I think I by default have a sort of writing inferiority complex.

[Bar22do]

I think you're right about the last line. Look for a better one, but -

I really think it's a great poem, Shannon, unforced, sort of quietly revealing and because of that, strong! and, for this reader at least, deeply moving.

You should look for how to build your self-confidence, for what you write is so often wonderful poetry and an experience for your audience!

Best to you, Bar

[_Shannon_]

Thanks <3 I'm trying.

I am rewriting...hoping to make it a little better. will post rewrite.

[_Shannon_]

Rewrite

In The Dark

It's in the dark
where I can be anything,
I can make whole dream worlds
where I dance and come clean.

It's in the dark
where hands never hit my face,
I never turned black and blue
where those hard blows grazed.

It's in the night
where I can be the girl
I always meant to be,
where my soul escapes this world.

It's in the night
where I looked you in the eye,
I stood my ground here
where I gave everything away.

It's with music playing
where my body was never used,
I can fly on those words
where my heart is consumed.

It's with music playing
where I can sit and pretend
I will live again someday
where my entirety is content.

[_Shannon_]

I still don't like the end...but...I think it's more poem-y now.

[PrinceMyshkin]

I have trouble with the switch from the first 4 stanzas, with the parallel opening lines that speak ambiguously of either the speaker's shadow self or of her freedom from society's moralizing supervision, to the very different feeling of the opening line of the remaining two stanzas, and

where my entirety is content.

is just too prosey! Your "entirety"? Give me a break!

[_Shannon_]

Yeah...I know...I agree....

[_Shannon_]

Rewrite again
In The Dark

It's in the dark
where I can be anything,
I can make whole dream worlds
where I dance and come clean.

It's in the dark
where hands never hit my face,
I never turned black and blue
where those hard blows grazed.

It's in the night
where I can be the girl
I always meant to be,
where my soul escapes this world.

It's in the night
where I looked you in the eye,
I stood my ground here
where I gave everything away.

It's inside that music
where my body was never used,
I can fly on those words
where my heart is consumed.

It's inside that music
where I've left so much unspoken,
I finally tell you
and my being breaks open.

[MorpheusSandman]

I think both of your edits are better than the first draft, and the second edit is better than the first. I think perhaps you're trying to hard to end the piece with something grand, some major statement. But I think maybe this piece would be better suited to ending on something small. Instead of zooming out to the macro, zoom into the micro. Find something delicate and symbolic that might sum up the piece.

That said, I think it's a very heartfelt piece that, as Hill suggested, is nicely understated. I like how you simply let the statements speak for themselves without hyping them. Perhaps you overuse anaphora (the repetition of first lines) a bit too much here... it might be better to take out all but the first and let every subsequent stanza simply be an elaboration/continuation of the first thought.

[Hawkman]

Hi Shannon. I like this poem but I'm not sure about the finess of the expression in the repeated motiefs.

"It's in the dark
where I can be anything,
I can make whole dream worlds
where I dance and come clean."

The repetition of where in successive stanzas jars a litle for me. Perhaps:

It's in the dark
that I can be anything,
make whole dream worlds,
dance and come clean.

Just a thought. I think Morpheus is right about the ending.

Live and be well, H

[_Shannon_]

The end has been killing me. I am NOT looking for something grand---just something NOT lame. But it's being really elusive.

I think you might just be right about taking out the subsequent repetition. Thanks ! I shall tinker.

I think really part of the problem, is that it's just really is possibly not a very good poem at all. So there's only so much that can be done to salvage it.

[_Shannon_]

I also think part of the deal is that I'm trying to use slant rhymes and I'm really not very good at it LOL! I don't have much practice so it's coming out all awkward.

[Delta40]

I'm lost. I liked the last line of the first draft because it captured so much the cycle of domestic abuse.

[_Shannon_]

I'm lost. I liked the last line of the first draft because it captured so much the cycle of domestic abuse.

I kind of felt like it was teenage, sing-songyness, over-reacing, and worse-not really what I was trying to say. I dunno. I am rewriting again, but I think I hear the death knell for this one. Maybe it's the poem before THE poem....

[_Shannon_]

Yet another rewrite:

In The Dark

Those madmen play their guitars up there
in the dark
& I can be anything,
making whole dream worlds
where I dance and come clean.
Pretend those hands never hit my face,
bruising green and blue
where those hard blows grazed.

Filling that dingy underground bar
in the night
& I can be the girl
I always meant to be,
where my soul escapes this world.
Pretend I looked you in the eye,
standing my ground here
where I gave everything away.

[everyadventure]

A good poem, Shannon. I know what you mean, how at long last when you're lying in bed and the lights are out, you no longer have to put on a face for others... my "dream world" is a deserted island, where I wash up on shore and spend my days buck naked, scribbling in the sand!

The word "grazed" bothered me a bit, for me it connotes a sort of gentleness, and perhaps it should be stronger?

[Delta40]

At this point, its like you're trying on every dress in the closet. I like all of them and you look great!

[Jerrybaldy]

Your worse is usually better than others best Shannon.

[MorpheusSandman]

I do like your latest edit the best, Shannon, and now I think it could do with some elaborating, a bit of transitioning between its various stages.


I also think part of the deal is that I'm trying to use slant rhymes and I'm really not very good at it LOL! I don't have much practice so it's coming out all awkward.One thing you can't do is force poetic devices into a piece. If you feel awkward using them, then we'll feel awkward reading them. If you just let the words come out you'll usually find they're more poetic than anything you could consciously try to rhyme or slant-rhyme or whatever.