With the Spoon

[everyadventure]

Time stops by force of will:
tick tock tick tock-- the nursery clock stops.
The cow pauses mid-jump, hovering heavy-uddered above the moon.
"Stay," I whisper, cradling my baby boy.
His breath hitches, holds:

I hold my breath too; eyeing his ribcage
and imagining his heart as a fluttering bird beneath.
I pat his damp cheek and swallow panic,
then he curls his toes and exhales a shuddered sigh.

I gave him life, grew him from my own flesh!
Was the cord severed between us?
Could one of us continue
eating,
breathing,
living,
without the other?

[PrinceMyshkin]

This is as strong and inevitable as your next breath - and the one after that and the one... Way to go!

[Delta40]

You underpin maternal connection superbly EA. I miss my kids being little...

[MorpheusSandman]

This piece is good proof of how strongly you can sculpt a mini-narrative in poetry. That first stanza is truly superb, especially between the image of the frozen cow jumping over the moon and the tenderness of the last two lines (though I might put "Stay" on its own line). Stanzas 2 and 3 aren't as strong, but they're still quite good. I think what you're missing is images powerful enough to stand up to the one in stanza 1. Line 2 of stanza 3 is also a bit too prosy.

[everyadventure]

This piece is good proof of how strongly you can sculpt a mini-narrative in poetry. That first stanza is truly superb, especially between the image of the frozen cow jumping over the moon and the tenderness of the last two lines (though I might put "Stay" on its own line). Stanzas 2 and 3 aren't as strong, but they're still quite good. I think what you're missing is images powerful enough to stand up to the one in stanza 1. Line 2 of stanza 3 is also a bit too prosy.

Thanks for the detailed feedback, it's much appreciated! I changed L2 in S3, do you think it's an improvement at all?

(And why does "frozen cow" make me suddenly crave ice cream...?)

[MorpheusSandman]

I think the words I'm tripping over in L2/S3 are "these fools". It's a rather sudden shift in tone, from something tender, gentle, even metaphysical to an invective question, almost an accusation that seems out of step with what you're describing. Maybe what's needed is a rephrasing along the lines of "They didn't sever the chord".

[deryk]

From what I've read, babies can sense their mothers' pulse out of a line-up of people. This is as evocative as crying in the night, minus the noise.

[everyadventure]

I think the words I'm tripping over in L2/S3 are "these fools". It's a rather sudden shift in tone, from something tender, gentle, even metaphysical to an invective question, almost an accusation that seems out of step with what you're describing. Maybe what's needed is a rephrasing along the lines of "They didn't sever the chord".
Yep, you're right. Originally I had a stanza about the doctors, who said the baby might not live, but I took it out... so that line's tone DID feel strangely accusatory.
I changed it, and I think it changes the overall meaning a little bit, but I think it's an improvement... thanks for the advice!

[Bar22do]

It touches to the bone marrow, ea, you might ponder MS's suggestions for improvement (I tend to agree with him that you poem could benefit from just a little more work), but as it is it reached my fluttering heart...
Thanks for sharing your genuine, beautiful work. Bar

[MorpheusSandman]

I like it better now, because the two questions that close the piece contrast nicely with the exclamatory statement that precedes them. I might even set that statement on its own line, to make it stand out even more, or perhaps have it close S2.

[_Shannon_]

I don't know which version is up now...but if Pound is right and emotion is all that endures...this is just a grand piece of writing. I *know* those moments <3 For me, however, they're then often followed by thinking "Oh, but dear god would you please sleep just a little bit for mommy...."

[Jerrybaldy]

I enjoyed the embroidery of the nursery rhymes and the posing of the unthinkable.