The Continuum - Chapter 1

[Maiku²]

The Continuum

Chapter one : Reminder

My day was like any other day; it was a programmed sequence. I woke up. I dressed. I ate breakfast, I walked out to Times Square and saluted the empire state building; my idol and goal. I was just another one of the 100,000 workers all jumbled in the business of the New York streets. Nothing special about me.
My job? I worked as a stock broker. The pay was decent, I had a Cadillac, and no worries about my life. I had nothing to complain about.
But today was different. I could feel it when I woke up. My senses were tingling. I went through my routine as I did every other day. But at the end of the day, I had unknowingly driven myself to the bay. I walked to the guardrails and leaned on them, staring out at the flat ocean, the sunset, beautiful in so many ways, disgusting in many more.
I was about to leave, when suddenly I heard a voice.
“…You know me, Charles,” the sound was like a thin sheet of glass – it was so soft but yet clear.
Charles – who’s Charles? I looked at my name tag. James Henry Jacob. I’m me, that’s for sure. So who was calling?
“…You don’t know who you are, Charles. Wake up,” the voice was getting urgent and increasingly demanding.
“WAKE UP!”
“WAKE UP!”
My speakers screamed.
I rolled over, and pressed a button that deactivated the alarm.
I sat up, rubbing my eyes.
Wow, what a dream, I thought to myself.
I slept for another five minutes before the second alarm was engaged.
“FROM THE TOP TO THE BOTTOM, THE BOTTOM THE TOP I STOP…,” the heavy rock raged ( by the way, that was Linkin Park ).
I pressed the button once again, and got up finally to dress myself.
“I know myself too well,” I muttered.
If I had turned behind me and looked, I would have seen a person at the window, 50 floors above the ground.


Comments? Want chapter 2?

[Rachy]

ooooooooo..........I'm intrigued........chapter 2?

[Bandini]

Well, you've made me want to know what happens next - well done.

But a couple of points:

"(by the way that was Linkin Park)"!! A word of advice about writing (without being patronising) - 'show don't tell'. It seems 'clunky' otherwise.
"...the sunset, beautiful in so many ways, disgusting in many more." Can you explain this sentiment?
"Wow! What a dream..." - really? Can't see anything that Wow about it. You're reader should probably be thinking Wow, or they're not relating to the protaganist or authorial voice.

Don't mean to be negative but you did ask for comments, and you want to improve right? Or am I just 'orrible?

[Miranda]

Yes, I want to read chapter 2 - I'm hooked. But I do agree with Bandini. The reference to Linkin Park interrupts the narrative and isn't needed. If like me, the reader doesn't know the song, naming the band singing it doesn't help them to know it. And anyone that does know it, doesn't need the explanation. If you wanted to include it though, you could say something like 'I slept for another five minutes before the second alarm was engaged and LInkin Park blared out “FROM THE TOP TO THE BOTTOM, THE BOTTOM THE TOP I STOP…,” - but truthfully I agree with Bandini. Guess us Northern 'Englanders' are of the same opinion!

Also Bandini raises the question of why the sunset is beautiful but disgusting. Perhaps future chapters may explain this, but to people not familiar with New York, the reference is incomprehensible, except to say that something is wrong with the sunset. It does awaken intrigue and suspense and perhaps this mystery is part of the story and you you will later reveal the answer. But you have to remember that your readers may not be familiar with all the details/surroundings, that are familiar to you and need to have them explained, to some extent.

I too think that maybe 'Wow' is too strong a word because the dream doesn't seem all that remarkable, but maybe a 'softer' exclamation would be better, like 'what a peculiar/weird dream!' - but whatever, it's your story and you are the author of it. Chapter one has whetted my appetite and I am now wanting to know what happens next and why/how there comes to be someone at the window fifty floors above ground. I like the style you have begun your story in - the way it plunges straight in and the 'immediacy' created by using the 'voice' of the first character, to narrate it.

Miranda