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View Full Version : THE CREEPER part 2 (I really hope it's scary)



meg82
03-26-2005, 01:27 AM
I only whined a little, but I was tired so I stomped up stairs and crawled under the covers. Grandma was at the door in minutes. “You say yer prayers?
“Yes,” I lied. She turned out the lights and I lay on my back staring at the ceiling.
It seemed like only a minute that I had closed my eyes. But everything was so quiet and there was no light coming from underneath my door. It had to be late. Had I been asleep? It was pitch black. There was no moonlight coming through my window that night. I began to wish that there was a nightlight in that room. I could just barely make out the shapes of the nightstand, a vanity and the closet to my left. I stared for a while and then my eyes began to close again. Then I heard something. Something had…creaked. A floorboard? Did somebody move? I thought - No, I told my self. I was just being silly, because Grandpa had told me that stupid story. There were no such things as Creepers, or monsters, or ghosts. Mommy told me.
Creak.
I was scared though. There was that noise again and it sounded closer and louder. Was the house settling maybe?
Creak, Creak…Creak.
There was a sound like, somebody rustling. Moving. Where was that coming from? The hall…Joseph must have gotten up to pee. That’s when I heard something else.
Outside my window. My window was just above my head, so that the back yard, and the woods were just behind me.
Heh heh heh heh….
Laughing. Little kids were…laughing?
NO! I shook my head, but my tummy was starting to hurt. It felt heavy, like when I knew I did something bad and mommy was going to find out. Dread, and fear, in my stomach. I quickly put my hands over my ears and tried not to cry and I lay there alone in the dark. I squeezed my eyes shut so tight that it hurt from the strain. I wanted to yell for Grandma or Grandpa, but I was too scared to move. I must have lain there like that for a very long time, because my arms and eyes were getting so tired. I wanted to rest them. But…I didn’t want to hear that horrible laughter. It had sounded mean and scary, like kids teasing on the playground.
But…I chanced it. I slowly pulled my hands away from my ears. And then I opened my eyes. I heard nothing, but – I felt something. I felt someone…next to me. My stomach dropped and every inch of me pricked with sweat that felt cold. I wanted to cry. I felt a sob welling up in my throat, choking me. What ever it was was still and waiting. I could see a very dark form at the corner of my eye. I turned slowly, and had to choke another sob.
Right next to me, not even an arm’s length away, was someone so scary. A girl. It was so dark but I could see her just fine. Her eyes, shining white and bulging from her sunken in sockets, staring at me with an intensity. Her cheeks were also sunken in, she was so skinny. Her long, dirty, messy hair hung down at either side of her face. It looked wet. Her mouth was open; her lower jaw looked like it had been broken, so that it was jutting out farther on one side. Her teeth – dirty, crooked, protruding and sharp. Then – she growled. Low and guttural like a dog.
I finally let out that sob. Her mouth twitched. I was sobbing, hard enough that my chest hurt, but I couldn’t seem to make any noise at all. I felt like I was on the verge of shaking to pieces and going crazy. Please God, let this be a dream. She was very still. Still as a horrible picture. Watching me.
I managed to squeak out, “Please…I haven’t been bad.”
She was still …then, I watched in utter horror as she twitched a little...then she stopped and her terribly malformed mouth curved in what I thought may be a smile. Her mouth opened…wide. Wider. Wider. Wider, until it was so big and wide that it looked disproportioned to her face. It stretched across her chin and I could see every detail inside her disgusting gray mouth. A sound came out; like a strangled moan. It made me wish I was dead so that I didn’t have to hear it. She let her head wobble a bit, side to side like it was on hinges. Then the sound stopped and her mouth shrank back to a smaller form of itself on her face.
She lurched forward so suddenly that I screamed and she grabbed my hair in her hand. I slapped at it, but she widened her eyes again.
She pulled back her thin lips and growled again, louder this time. Her fingernails were cutting into my scalp. Then I heard the kids’ laughter again, out side the window.
Before I knew it I was being dragged out of my bed. My knees hit the floor, and I screamed loud. I lashed around trying to get away but I was pulled into my closet. The heavy wooden door slammed shut, beside me.

Then I felt her hands let go of me. I sat there, among the shoes on the wooden dusty closet floor, under the old clothes and coats hanging over my head, my eyes wide scanning the darkness. I had my hands over my mouth to quiet my gasping sobs. I couldn’t hear a sound. Was it over? Did she leave? Maybe if I’m very quiet she won’t see me. Maybe it was just a dream and I’m awake now.
The coats rustled. Then I saw her. I saw her teeth first. And – red? Two blazing red circles. Then I realized that her eyes were glowing red. She was right in front of my face. I smelled her breath. Oh, God. I choked on another sob.
She spoke. The voice of a little girl. “You’ve…been…bad.”
“No…” I cried.
“So…bad…”
“I’m sorry!”
Stillness. Please God, what is she doing?
I felt the teeth on my arm. She bit me. Then again. And again. She began to claw at me, and I could hear her frenzied growls, mixed with the manic laughter of a child having fun – “Heh heh, heh heh, heh!”
It hurt so badly and I was screaming as I felt my flesh tearing away from my arms and face. It felt like she was coming at me from all sides. Clothes and jackets were falling from the hangers as I flailed about, entangling us.
“HELP ME! STOP! HELP!”
The next thing I remember is my Grandpa was carrying me down the front porch steps…
Then I was in a hospital bed, staring at the white, sterile ceiling as the doctors’ heads poked in and out of view. “ Extensive tissue damage…skin graft…we’re not for certain…wild dog…”

* * *

Mom never let Joseph or me go back to that house. Whenever Grandma or Grandpa called on our birthdays, mom would tell them that we were playing at a friend’s house. Mom let me have the cards that they sent.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY,
TO A GRANDDAUGHTER SO DEAR,
MAY ALL YOUR BIRTHDAY WISHES COME TRUE!

Love,

Grandpa and Grandma Evans

P.S. Be good.

SleepyWitch
03-30-2005, 01:42 PM
cool :) i think it's really good. BUT: it's a bit too fast paced around the middle for my liking.. i mean, grandpa tells her about the creepers and woosh there they are... of course that's what we expect to happen, but maybe not that soon? maybe if you let more time pass between grandpa's story and the actual attack that would create more tension? coz we expect the creepers to turn up, so if you write about *boring* everyday stuff in between we'd read all kinds of meanings into what's happening and expect the creepers to turn up any minute... dunno :) i'm no good at critiquing anyway

lhaeber
03-31-2005, 02:03 PM
I agree with sleep, would like the anticipation, tension. The creeper girl sounds scary, I liked how she dragged the girl out of bed by the scalp. Nice to have a character actually shutdown after such a fright, telling of the story from already knowing that she's cuckoo because of it sets us up nicely, so we expect the event to be terrifying. The story sounds like a goosebumps story (books and t.v. show for kids) same scenario, only it's the scarecrow who is the creeper.
Who is your audience? Young adult, adult?