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motherhubbard
06-01-2007, 10:44 AM
It’s been years since that night, but the memory is still vivid and intense. I was younger then, and inexperienced. There was never time for relationships or even conversations. All of my discussions were with classical music. My body moved to the rhythm of Tchaikovsky or Gershwin, or I should say that the music moved my body in an expression that was not wholly my own. Every moment was spent dancing and little thought was given to anything else. That changed over the summer, as did I.

He came in one afternoon to pick up his youngest sister. She was a pleasant girl, but not a serious student. She was one of many who danced because it suited pretty little upper class girls. It was hard for me to find patience to teach these young debutants. They had no real appreciation for ballet; there was no passion in them. The animosity I felt carried over to my impression of her brother.

“My brother’s her to get me Ms. Mandy”
“OK, thank you Ellen. I’ll see you Thursday.”
“Bye everybody” She yelled over her shoulder as she skipped out the front door shutting in the chorus of goodbyes in behind her.

For weeks he would come and watch me dance. I loved the control I had over my body, I loved forcing myself further along, and I even loved the pain and exhaustion that came after the final note. Secretly, I loved the way he looked at me. His head would move with my body. When I would leap his chin would point upward. When I would spin his head would tilt slightly. All the while his gaze never left me.

He would attempt conversation, but his confidence was sickening.
“You really make that look easy”
“Practice.”
“How long have you been dancing?”
“Why do you ask? I have another class starting. Please, excuse me.”
“Well, can I buy you a cup of coffee when you’re done? Your last class is over at 7:30, right?”
“No, no thank you”
“Um, maybe Tuesday?”

I didn’t want to talk. There was no way I could make time for someone so self-important. I thought he should go back to the long line of two-dimensional beauties that giggled when he passed them.


This went on for weeks. I would see him at the market and in the park. He would bring me the flowers he had seen me admiring and new CDs of the worn records I dance to. He was persistent even if he didn’t understand that I liked smelling the flowers at market or that I found the record static added to the music. To my surprise, he would make a point of speaking, regardless of whom he was with. I would often hear my name called from across the street,

“Mandy! Amanda, Wait!”
“Daniel, hi. You just keep popping up.”
“Yeah, look, are you busy latter?”
“Yes, sorry. I do a class on Wednesday evenings, too.”
“Well, if it’s over early I could pick you up,”
“No. Thanks anyway, Daniel. I really can’t”

The pinched smiles of his female friends were amusing. Though I tried to appear aloof, in truth I hardly knew how to hold a conversation. I only knew how to dance.

Over time I began to feel flush when he would watch. His eyes became soft and kind. One afternoon he when called to me I was excited to answer.

“Amanda, hi”
“Hi, Daniel. Shopping?”
“No, I was just, um, looking today. But here, I found this and thought of you. It’s not much, I know, but here.”
“Oh, lambs wool. What were you doing at Capezio? Daniel, that’s so thoughtful of you but I don’t use it. I just tape my toes. But thank you. Really thank you.”

When I smiled at him he touched my arm. I trembled and he moved his hand. I could see understanding in his cool gray eyes.

“Listen, I was going to drive out to Kentwood tonight and drop off some work at a friend’s house. Would you like to come along and keep me company? I’ve, a… I’ve wanted to spend some time with you.”

“I would, Daniel. I think I would like a drive to the country.”

We drove for hours in the summer’s heat feeling the cool night air rush through the open windows. Late summer nights have a way of melting reservations. He held me in the same gaze and suddenly I found myself safe. I was able to talk without inhabitation. He seemed to already know me. He had seen my deepest emotions when I danced and I was already fully exposed to him.

Once we were at his apartment he was careful sensing that I was frightened. I noticed how clean he kept his home and how it smelled of sandalwood. He was proud to turn on Vivaldi, aware that I loved The Four Seasons. With the music playing softly in the background he held me and we danced slowly in candlelight. His touch was soft and slow as he stroked my hair and caressed my neck and arms. While I had often danced with men, I had never danced like this. This was not about the next step or the timing. This was only about seduction. The warmth of the night and the scent mixed with the music made my head swim. I loved being in his arms and tasting the perspiration on his skin.

“Daniel, I …”
“It’s OK, Amanda. I understand. I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to do. It will be OK. Here, just dance with me. You’re not afraid of dancing are you?”
“I’ve never danced like this Daniel”
“Shh, just listen to the music and dance”


The night air came in the open window of his bedroom along with the light of the street lamp below. He took his time unfastening my buttons; his warm lips almost touching my cheek, his breath in my ear softly reassuring me. My breathing felt shallow and shaky as I laid back on the clean cobalt blue sheets. His voice was steady and calm while he took off his own cloths and laid down beside me.

“It’s you that has seduced me, you know. You have captured my thoughts all this time. I’ve wanted you from the beginning”
“Daniel, I know we can’t be together. I’m glad I’m here with you, but we both know…”
His soft whisper pleaded for me to stop. “We can. Shh, we can be”

In spite of his soothing voice I still understood the fundamental differences in our lives as well as our futures. I needed passion and he needed social standing; we were not made for each other; the dim light shone on his chest and arms above me. He took his time touching all of me; working from the crown of my head to the bottoms of my feet. My breath came quickly, and my hair stood on end as for the first time I felt the sensation of strong fingers moving for my benefit. I was no longer nervous, but eager. I felt the power in my decision as well as a certain power over him. The dim light shone in his gray eyes and they seemed deep and intent. While our bodies and breath mingled and entwined the music swept softly over us. A new dance was created.

I slowly woke to the smell of blueberries and his fingers caressing my body; exploring as if I were a foreign land that he would never revisit, but did not want to forget. Again we yielded to each other, but with less mystery in the morning light. The only sounds now were of the traffic from the street below. We exchanged few words that morning.

“Let me take you home”
“No, thank you, Daniel. I need some air this morning”
“Are you alright? You’re not sorry are you?”
“Fine, I’m fine. I just need to clear my head. A walk will do me some good.”
“Can I see you tonight? No classes on Saturday.”
“No, I need to dance. Bye, Daniel.”

Our lives have taken different paths, though they were the paths we both chose. Now it is his young daughter fulfilling her upper class duty to perform in pink tutus. He often brings her to class early, while I have the floor to myself. He still watches with that same wonder. His gaze has not changed. There are still few words between us, but there is no need for words. We already know each other’s secrets.

Countess
06-03-2007, 10:24 AM
Well, it made me blush. (-: I do like it. My only suggestion is that a short scene with this content can come across sounding like a romance novel. If that's your aim, great, but if not, the character(s) should have a bit more dimension.

Pendragon
06-03-2007, 10:56 AM
One thing thou lackest: Conversation. The entire scene happens and they don't speak to each other? That could turn this scene from a case of romantic seduction to sounding like a case of a man picking up a call-girl for a one-night stand. I am certain you are after the romance, so work on some conversation. What does he say when he asks her to come with him? As this appears to be a "first time" for her, how does he persuade her? Does she have misgivings to express? Is she reluctant, maybe embarassed? What do they say when they wake up? Why do they decide not to continue their romance? Conversation and interaction between characters. I assume his sister told him which flowers were her favorites, but I am forced to assume because you don't cover that in the story.

Like this say the girl's name is Sophie: "Sophie," The man said one evening as he came to pick up his sister. "What sort of flowers are your dance instuctor's favorite, do you think?"

See what I mean?

Countess
06-03-2007, 11:00 AM
Pendragon - that's an excellent suggestion. I think dialogue would deliver character dimension here, so it's not a matter of story-telling as it is story-experiencing.

motherhubbard
06-03-2007, 02:47 PM
You guys are so smart and have such good advice and I trust what you are saying. I have felt that was a problem myself. It’s not really romance, it’s just a sad thing the way people are sometimes. All of which I could communicate through conversation. The problem is I’ve never done that. I think I sound so cheesy.
I mean really bad. I’ll take some time this afternoon to work on it and hope that it doesn’t sound like

“John”
“Susan”
“Oh, John”
“Oh, Susan”

Like a bad farce. It appears dialog can make you or break you even when you avoid it.

motherhubbard
06-03-2007, 05:12 PM
here is some dialog. Pleas let me know what you think.

Countess
06-03-2007, 05:44 PM
Uh, did you post any cos I'm not seeing it?

Lote-Tree
06-03-2007, 05:53 PM
here is some dialog. Pleas let me know what you think.

I liked the dialog and prose :-)

One thing I felt was that it was bit rushed...but in that too it had a good pace:-)

AimusSage
06-03-2007, 05:54 PM
The dialogue is included in her original post. :)

Pendragon
06-05-2007, 10:08 AM
Better! http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/ThumbsUp.gif As someone mentioned, a bit rushed in places, but you are going for soft romance not porn, so you would hardly describe ever little second. I feel it still needs some work, but you are moving in the right direction. http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/ThumbsUp.gif

motherhubbard
06-05-2007, 10:57 AM
Pen, I'm reading East of Eden right now and paying particular attention to the dialog. I love Steinbeck, I didn't sleep three hours last night because I want to know what happens next. He is a master of easy comfortable dialog. He can sound soft or angry or dim seemingly effortlessly. So what I'm asking is do I sound really cheesy, or false, or forced? And how do you know unless someone else reads it and tells you?

Thanks so much for your input. It's very exciting to work on something for myself. I have a very dark story in my heart that's been there for years and it can't be told without dialog. I'd like to work on that and get this off of my chest, so to speak.

Uncle Lar
06-07-2007, 10:06 AM
Hi, motherhubbard!
I enjoyed your short story;
Could you lengthen it?

Your words described the
Scenes very well; I think the
Story could go on.

Keep up the good work!

Sincerely,

Uncle Lar

Granny5
07-10-2007, 12:28 PM
Mother, It's very good. Write everyday no matter what. You'll only improve. You're way ahead already.

PrinceMyshkin
07-10-2007, 12:59 PM
It’s been years since that night, but the memory is still vivid and intense.

Maybe this was posted before I joined this site or some malevolent karma kept me from it until now. I came on it just as I was getting ready to go out, to shop and have a bite to eat, and I was/am ravenous, so I resented a little the conflict between my hunger and the fascination I felt from the beginning and that only kept growing!

There are one or two spelling errors or typos you should look into if you are going to offer this somewhere for publication, as you should. It's marvellous!

jahan
07-15-2007, 05:54 PM
I really enjoyed your writing. I'm not sure I share the sentiments of the others who wished for more dialog. Not that I'm against it, but you made it very clear that it was all about the dance, and how much he loved watching her. That can be very seductive for both the person watching and the dancer. The final line was beautiful and couldn't very evocative. If not feeling like developing the dialog, then maybe how she felt being watched. What compelled her to make love to him? Lovely story.

PrinceMyshkin
07-15-2007, 05:58 PM
I really enjoyed your writing. I'm not sure I share the sentiments of the others who wished for more dialog. Not that I'm against it, but you made it very clear that it was all about the dance, and how much he loved watching her. That can be very seductive for both the person watching and the dancer. The final line was beautiful and couldn't very evocative. If not feeling like developing the dialog, then maybe how she felt being watched. What compelled her to make love to him? Lovely story.

Bravo! More dialogue might have grounded the story more in a maturalistic way but that wasn't what the essence of this was about. And the story provided one a vivid enough sense of what their dancing - their somatic conversation - was like.

JackShea
07-15-2007, 11:03 PM
I enjoyed the crisp short sentences. I wonder if this story really needs dialogue at all? At times it is enjoyable to let the reader conjour up their own words. Perhaps you might read it through and omit any dialogue and see if the story stands and or reads better with the unspoken. Using dialogue is difficult. Read the dialogue aloud and see if that is truely the way you or your character would speak. In short...what the hell do I know...it's your story and very good...Jack

motherhubbard
07-15-2007, 11:07 PM
Wow, I don't know what to say about this attention. I actually wrote it without dialog, but that didn't seem to go over very well. I'm uncomfortable writing dialog that goes along with this subject matter so I know it is awkward. If I had any guts I write like I talk to my husband knowing that everyone in this kind of relationship talks in a similar fashion, but it seem so personal. Good writers expose themselves, though, don't they!

JackShea
07-15-2007, 11:13 PM
Good heavens...I hope not!

motherhubbard
07-15-2007, 11:19 PM
I didn't mean their bodies! I meant the secrets that motivate them to write. They are not afraid to say what needs to be said. Of course it can really take a lot out of them, like Steinbach with The Grapes of Wrath or O'Neal with A Long Days Journey into Night. You can't hold back and write like them. Don’t you agree?