A wild leap

[Tasartir]

Hey guys, I'm quite new to this forum and have been hanging about at the book discussions for the last few months. Anyways, yesterday I became KIND OF inspired (in my own way, I guess) and wrote my first piece of fiction. While writing it I realized it could end up being a longer story about a character or even a full-blown novel. I like focusing on character development so I did. I don't know what to say. I wrote this as my first leap into fiction so don't expect too much. It’s fairly short and will take you five minutes to read. ANY kind of criticism will do, please post your comments, I won’t mind if you think I’m an idiot and can’t write, just say it nicely.

[Adolescent09]

You are a complete idiot and you can't write. That's what you wanted to hear? Well that's you get and deserve.
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No! I was completely joking! This is a pretty interesting look at your first perspective of the fictional literary world! You don't start your story with superfluities such as description, randomn excessive dialogue or details which pertain to evidently nothing. You start with a character who brings up a contemplative subject matter which anyone can associate with! Good job. I am a "not-being-able-to-be-there-on-time person" as well (I'm always procrastinating) so I could easily click in with your character's mood. The conclusions part was a bit muddled along with the annoying capitalized "assumptions" and I make "CONCLUSIONS", but other than that you bring across a relatable point of factual merit. Troubled people often do make up conclusions without plausibly thinking over refined details. I draw a mental picture of Holden Caulfield while reading this piece. All of the brackets were pretty annoying, if not redundant, but the general notion of conclusions came across clearly.

You then go on with Carolina and her boyfriend Robert but... I couldn't bear all the sexual talk and language so I had to stop reading there. Great beginning though! It's good to see people opening up their mental "literal" selves.