For Services Rendered (Comments welcome)

[Pendragon]

For Services Rendered

It began, as these things so often do, with a funeral. I did not know the dearly departed. I was not invited to the ceremony. I read all about it in the newspaper in my cluttered office in a somewhat affluent neighborhood. I tend to move around frequently in my line of business, so the name of the city is of no importance to this story.
The young woman whose picture was on the obituary page had been the much-younger wife of a prominent local politician. Her death was the result of car accident. A part had malfunctioned in the car’s steering, and she had taken a very long dive into a ravine. The car’s manufacturer had instantly recalled that make and model, settled out-of-court with the lady’s husband, and that should have been the end of the story.
And it was—until Mrs. Amelia Carberry walked through my office door, and asked me to take her case. You see, my name is Winchester Colt, and I am a Private Investigator, of sorts. I take cases for the dead. The dead pay well for services rendered.
I was about twenty-one when I first realized that I could see ghosts. And I could not only see them—I could hear them and even smell them! Most of them shone with a pale light and smelled faintly of roses. But others were dark and menacing, and smelled of rotten eggs. That bothered me somewhat. Now I knew something for certain that others were just guessing about: There were places where the dead went after they died and one of them wasn’t heaven! But why were so many still here? I could see why people were in no hurry to go to hell, but why were the other people still here?
They were quick enough to let me know. They had unfinished business that needed taking care of before they went on to their just rewards. And, as I mentioned, the dead pay very well. So I began to take their cases.
Now I looked up at Amelia Carberry. She was every bit as lovely in death as she had been in life. And when she spoke, I caught the unmistakable scent of roses.
“Mr. Colt, I believe you are a man who knows how to see to it that justice is done. Even the dark ones advised me to come here.”
“I read about your unfortunate demise in the newspaper. The car manufacturer admitted to product failure. Are you saying that your death was no accident?”
“That is precisely what I am saying, Mr. Colt. Do not underestimate Ruben Carberry. He had enough evidence to blackmail the CEO of that car-manufacturing corporation. There was absolutely nothing at all wrong with any of the cars that were recalled. They were merely shined up, and returned to their owners.
“The evidence you will need to prove your case is in Ruben’s lockbox at The Greenway and Carlson Bank. I can tell you how to obtain the key and the codeword you will need to convince the bank officials that Ruben has authorized you to retrieve something for him.”
She smiled. “As for your payment, Mr. Colt, let me give you the password to Ruben’s secret Swiss bank account. You may withdraw all of it, since he won’t need the money in prison!”
I wrote down the information and looked up. She was already beginning to fade. “I do not think I shall see you again in this world, Mr. Colt. But I shall pass to the next knowing that I have been avenged.”
I was very busy for the next two months. Then I sat again in my cluttered office and read my newspaper. Ruben Carberry had been arrested for the murder of his wife after the CEO of the car-manufacturing corporation had testified against him, stating that the crooked politician had blackmailed him into helping him cover his tracks. Ruben, unable to afford a lawyer, had hanged himself in his jail cell.
Suddenly, I caught the odor of rotten eggs. I glanced up to see Ruben Carberry, a dark shadow leaning over my desk.
“They all say you can help, Colt.” He clipped in the manner of a man used to giving orders and getting his way. “”Some fool stole all my money from my Swiss bank account! I want to know who the—“
I cut him off with a cold look. “Mr. Carberry, I take cases for dead people, but I don’t take cases for charity! If you’re broke, you’re wasting my time. I’ll have paying customers dropping in anytime now…”

[Taliesin]

It seems a bit too brief for our taste. Everything happens very quickly and therefore it is a bit anecdotal.

[Pendragon]

It seems a bit too brief for our taste. Everything happens very quickly and therefore it is a bit anecdotal.Well, there is a word limit on this contest. Amittedly, things happen very quickly, and detail cannot be given. That's why there's a contest. Vote for one you like, any votes are better than no votes! I do not regret losing. The voters have spoken. Thanks for your comment, Tal. At least, it was honest, and I would rather have that that sugery words if they are not from the heart. Take care mes amis! http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/broadway.gif

[Madhuri]

I liked the story Pen, it had a very unusual ending. I will agree with Tal, that it ended quickly, but ofcourse there was this word limit. I was expecting more in between the beginning and the end, like what means he employed to win? What evidences he could gather to make his case strong? What arguments he presented, etc.

It would have been really nice if "I was very busy for the next two months" was elaborated and more details given as to what happened in these two months :) I was really interested to know what happened in the two months.

All in all it was a different suspense story :)

[Pendragon]

Thank you, Maddie. I promise, if I ever rewrite the story, because I plan on a series of short stories with Winchester Colt, I'll post the newer version.

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/virgo.gif

[kathycf]

Thank you, Maddie. I promise, if I ever rewrite the story, because I plan on a series of short stories with Winchester Colt, I'll post the newer version.

Please do, Pen. I will be interested in reading it. I liked the ending, sort of an "in your face" to the villain. :)

[manolia]

I like very much the first 3 paragraphs especially the part where you explain the title of the story ("The dead pay well for services rendered").
I also like very much the ending:

("Suddenly, I caught the odor of rotten eggs. I glanced up to see Ruben Carberry, a dark shadow leaning over my desk.
“They all say you can help, Colt.” He clipped in the manner of a man used to giving orders and getting his way. “”Some fool stole all my money from my Swiss bank account! I want to know who the—“
I cut him off with a cold look. “Mr. Carberry, I take cases for dead people, but I don’t take cases for charity! If you’re broke, you’re wasting my time. I’ll have paying customers dropping in anytime now…”)

I find this ending brilliant and i think it gives a funny - black houmor touch which is always welcome in that kind of stories.

Somehow i got the feeling that i have read a similar story before. Not anything particular but your story rings some bells (and it kinda reminds me the movie "sixth sense"). On the whole very nice story. It would be much better if it wasn't for the word limit (my humble opinion is that this type of story need more details in order to be more captivating.)

[Pendragon]

I like very much the first 3 paragraphs especially the part where you explain the title of the story ("The dead pay well for services rendered").
I also like very much the ending:

("Suddenly, I caught the odor of rotten eggs. I glanced up to see Ruben Carberry, a dark shadow leaning over my desk.
“They all say you can help, Colt.” He clipped in the manner of a man used to giving orders and getting his way. “”Some fool stole all my money from my Swiss bank account! I want to know who the—“
I cut him off with a cold look. “Mr. Carberry, I take cases for dead people, but I don’t take cases for charity! If you’re broke, you’re wasting my time. I’ll have paying customers dropping in anytime now…”)

I find this ending brilliant and i think it gives a funny - black houmor touch which is always welcome in that kind of stories.

Somehow i got the feeling that i have read a similar story before. Not anything particular but your story rings some bells (and it kinda reminds me the movie "sixth sense"). On the whole very nice story. It would be much better if it wasn't for the word limit (my humble opinion is that this type of story need more details in order to be more captivating.) Thank you very much. Well, Colt wouldn't be unique in dealing with ghosts, Carnaki the Ghost Finder, John Silence, Harry Dresden, and many more are out there, but they take cases for other people, the ghosts become secondary. Colt simply skips straight to the dead themselves. I did have more wiggle room, I wasn't at my word limit yet, so part can be blamed on me. As Holmes said once, "Never assume." I made that mistake with this story, I assumed people would read more into it, but it made them hunger for detail that I left unwritten. Hopefully, my further stories with this character won't make the same mistake, and I'm working to fix this one.

On a side note, there was an anouncement for a new series this spring on TV starring a detective much like Colt, but I would take any oath that I didn't know anything about it until yesterday! Small world...

[Virgil]

I've no time to reread it right now, Pen. I'll try this evening. But I remember my wife liked this story best and wanted me to vote for it. That happened on your last story too. You two must be on the same wavelength.

[Virgil]

Hey Pen. I just re-read it while having lunch at my desk. Now i remember. I agree with Tal. The story seemed too brief for the situation you established. You write:

I was about twenty-one when I first realized that I could see ghosts. And I could not only see them—I could hear them and even smell them! Most of them shone with a pale light and smelled faintly of roses. But others were dark and menacing, and smelled of rotten eggs. That bothered me somewhat. Now I knew something for certain that others were just guessing about: There were places where the dead went after they died and one of them wasn’t heaven! But why were so many still here? I could see why people were in no hurry to go to hell, but why were the other people still here?
Something as extraoridinary as this ability in my opinion requires some convincing. I think you needed to show me this before the main story drama took place in order for me to believe it. I know you write series of stories, and this would work well in a series. We would understand this ability first hand from a previous story in the series. But as a stand alone story in needed more than a paragraph. Plus also the relationship between Mrs carberry and her husband needed more. I was interested in their relationship. I could see how ths could be a 25-30 page story and really hold the reader's attention. I can see this working well as a series too. Very imaginative.

But my wife picked it; I think you got a fan there. :)

[Matrim Cuathon]

im positive ive heard an incredibly similar ending before. not saying you copied, but it isnt very original, and you didnt give us enough character depth.

[Pendragon]

im positive ive heard an incredibly similar ending before. not saying you copied, but it isnt very original, and you didnt give us enough character depth.Um, yes, you actually are saying I copied, which I don't appreciate at all. There are thousands of ghost stories out there, and the likelihood that one has a similiar ending is vast, since I cannot possibly have read them all.

As for depth of character, read Virgil's comments. I need the 25 pages, not 2000 words to develop this story.

Cheers.
Pen

[Adolescent09]

Man Pendragon, fantastic story. Although I have no reason to judge it negatively I must say that when reading your story I constantly get an image of Bruce Willis from the Sixth Sense stuck in my head.. Your story is so different and unique but it gives me the same feeling I had after watching that movie. Great job :)

[Shalot]

actually, Pen, I liked your story (not to be too sugary :D ), but I agree with Tal. It was kind of too short almost, but if you weren't writing within the contest constraints you could probably do more with it. You said you were going to rewrite/edit so when you do, you should post the revision. I guessed that you had probably entered and I was thinking that yours was probably either this one, or LAPD. I was almost right --- both were very engaging.
I ended up voting for Robbed because I thought it was well-written, although admittedly, a little to Nicholas Sparksish for my taste (I don't usually go for the mushy, feel good stories).

[Pendragon]

Man Pendragon, fantastic story. Although I have no reason to judge it negatively I must say that when reading your story I constantly get an image of Bruce Willis from the Sixth Sense stuck in my head.. Your story is so different and unique but it gives me the same feeling I had after watching that movie. Great job :) For what it's worth 'Dole and everyone who has mentioned The Sixth Sense, I have seen the movie. But in the movie, the kid sees ghosts, and Bruce's character finds out at the end that he is dead himself. I don't see the connection to someone who takes cases for people who know they are dead to begin with, and pay for the service he provides, except that Colt and the kid have the same gift. Colt's is refined enough to tell the difference between good and evil spirits. I did love The Sixth Sense, but a psychic detective was my inspiration for Colt. This person is real, and has helped the police on a number of cases that are amazing. Of course, the person has no powers like Colt! :)

[Vada Dagon]

Hey Pendragon,

Although, a little late into the game since I've been stretching my wings for the last couple of months here is my 2 cents.

I liked your story I thought it was very well thought out. I didn't feel left out, like some, wondering what the detective of sorts could have done to implicate the husband in the murder. However, I have a very active imagination and since his wife told him the evidence was in the lockbox it wasn't a herculean effort to come up with a few ways.
I imagined that perhaps by either some questionable means the evidence was retrieved and/or with perhaps the help of other ghosts. Regardless, I suppose since more than one person felt left out of the story it may be something to take into account.

I did like the irony in the end of the story. I also dislike overly explained plots and scenes (the water trickled down his leave while the wind wrestled with his hair and the sun fought the clouds for space.... blah, blah - get on with the story is usually my thought when the author continues to describe the scene)

[Pendragon]

Hey Pendragon,

Although, a little late into the game since I've been stretching my wings for the last couple of months here is my 2 cents.

I liked your story I thought it was very well thought out. I didn't feel left out, like some, wondering what the detective of sorts could have done to implicate the husband in the murder. However, I have a very active imagination and since his wife told him the evidence was in the lockbox it wasn't a herculean effort to come up with a few ways.
I imagined that perhaps by either some questionable means the evidence was retrieved and/or with perhaps the help of other ghosts. Regardless, I suppose since more than one person felt left out of the story it may be something to take into account.

I did like the irony in the end of the story. I also dislike overly explained plots and scenes (the water trickled down his leave while the wind wrestled with his hair and the sun fought the clouds for space.... blah, blah - get on with the story is usually my thought when the author continues to describe the scene)Thank you, Vada. I'm glad you enjoyed it. This being the intro of a new character, yes, it does need more, not to the point of ad infinitium but enough to satisfy those who need satisfied. There would be a reason for the wife's murder, (although a man who has enough dirt on a friend to balckmail him into silence displays a shallow character already.) I gues I thought people would figue out a crooked politician from the clues, but I didn't mark the trail with enough breadcrums. The re-write will be better!

:thumbs_up