Unfinished text

[Jolly McJollyso]

http://www.online-literature.com/forums/showthread.php?t=21259 < go, enjoy.

[Jolly McJollyso]

.....................

[Jolly McJollyso]

By the way, I understand this is a little dense. If you have any questions, I'd love them.

Also criticism is welcome.

[Guzmán]

Hi there. I can't believe that out of all the stories posted here this one in particular is the one that hasn't been commented on yet. I liked it, boy that stream of consciousness thing never gets old, does it! just kidding...
Anyway, the curator slept with the guys girlfriend, right?
Criticism: i think its not that dense more than its relentlessly dense, not that its annoying, as i said i like it, but i think it would improve if you varied the "melodies" in the sentences a bit more, the beat. Maybe alternating this with simpler or shorter structures. On the other hand maybe that is the whole point...
Sorry if this was too harsh, on the whole i think it's great. The way you join some of the words together is neat, i often do that when i write too.

[Jolly McJollyso]

Hi there. I can't believe that out of all the stories posted here this one in particular is the one that hasn't been commented on yet. I liked it, boy that stream of consciousness thing never gets old, does it! just kidding...
Anyway, the curator slept with the guys girlfriend, right?
Criticism: i think its not that dense more than its relentlessly dense, not that its annoying, as i said i like it, but i think it would improve if you varied the "melodies" in the sentences a bit more, the beat. Maybe alternating this with simpler or shorter structures. On the other hand maybe that is the whole point...
Sorry if this was too harsh, on the whole i think it's great. The way you join some of the words together is neat, i often do that when i write too.
Yes, at one point the curator slept with Thomas's girlfriend.

Yeah, it is fairly relentless in its density, I'm backing it off slowly, though. I figured the art museum should have the densest language, the subway I'm trying to make a little more accessible, and the third section will be the most approachable.

Glad you enjoyed it! Haha, I love word-running a little TOO much, and I'm sure that, like me, you've discovered to be pretty careful about overdoing it with those! They're a double-edged sword in many ways.

[Guzmán]

[QUOTE=Jolly McJollyso;293819]
Yeah, it is fairly relentless in its density, I'm backing it off slowly, though. I figured the art museum should have the densest language, the subway I'm trying to make a little more accessible, and the third section will be the most approachable.
/QUOTE]

well to tell you the truth i liked the museum section better than the subway section. and only three sections? i kind of saw this as an introduction to something much longer and was wondering how you could keep up with the intensity, especially as far as the language is concerned. Thats one of the reason i suggested it would be interesting to alternate with "simpler" passages, sort of jump-cut style.

[Jolly McJollyso]

well to tell you the truth i liked the museum section better than the subway section. and only three sections? i kind of saw this as an introduction to something much longer and was wondering how you could keep up with the intensity, especially as far as the language is concerned. Thats one of the reason i suggested it would be interesting to alternate with "simpler" passages, sort of jump-cut style.

Yeah, the museum section has been edited a lot more. I'm still not even close to finishing the edits on the Subway Ride. Once it's done I think it'll be even better than the museum.

This could be incredibly long, but, to be honest, I can see the ending right now, and I don't really see any reason to drag it out. He'll go home, he'll realize what's wrong with his philosophy, he'll walk off.

[Guzmán]

No turn of the screw at the end?

[Jolly McJollyso]

No turn of the screw at the end?
Thomas has been punished enough with such long life.

[SleepyWitch]

New secretary, same curator, same wall, same rattling Monet. Same Thomas.

Ingestions and digestions to be released on the world in the manner we see fit.

hey Jolly:wave:
I liked your story a lot, especially the first section (the Museum).
But I agree with Guzman that the next chapter should be a lot less dense.
(I liked the density and the way you hyphenate words - will comment more on that later - but I couldn't read a whole story in that style)


This could be incredibly long, but, to be honest, I can see the ending right now, and I don't really see any reason to drag it out. He'll go home, he'll realize what's wrong with his philosophy, he'll walk off.
I don't think you should drag it out, either. It could be the beginning of a novel, but then the whole style and Thomas' attitude somehow don't go together with a lengthy novel. The density and intensity would indeed be difficult to keep up and would get on the reader's nerve if it was a novel, but they make a perfect short story.
errrr, what exactly is Thomas' philosophy and what's wrong with it? When are you going to post the third part??? *wanna read*:banana:

[Jolly McJollyso]

errrr, what exactly is Thomas' philosophy and what's wrong with it? When are you going to post the third part??? *wanna read*:banana:
The third part is up in my new thread (Eeet's alive), but Thomas's philosophy on language can be found in the first and second parts.

His abrupt disillusionment with "higher" language has thrust him to the opposite end of the spectrum, that which reduces everything to the "lower."