Airborne Honour

[RobinHood3000]

Fresh off the newest elimination, this one was mine. I've recently become a huge fan of the history of the WWII-era RAF.

To be totally honest, I wasn't sure I particularly wanted to win. It probably seems silly, but one of the main reasons was that the story wasn't very historically accurate -- September 15th was a fair-weather day, and here I was, writing about heavy cloud cover...

Anyway, here's the latest version, with all of the changes I've made since entering it. Please tell me what you think!

[Shannanigan]

hah! found it...

surprisingly, since this was the first story I read, I knew right off the bat that it just wasn't one I was going to vote for. Not because it wasn't good, it was very well-written and entertaining...I think I just couldn't relate enough to the characters, lol...

more detailed comments if/when I get the time...

[RobinHood3000]

Hmm...in that case, you might like this version better. I tried to give the narrator both more personality and more authenticity with some of the details. The times are also more historically accurate, based on the records of when planes were scrambled from (I believe) the Biggins Hill airfield.

[Shannanigan]

Wow.

It's detail-oriented writers like you that make me realize how much I limit myself by refusing to do research :) lol...

[RobinHood3000]

Aw, shucks :blush: ...

When I realized I left the pilot about 2 hours to get into his plane when he's supposed to be on 5-minute alert...well, that was inexcusable, especially considering how much I like the RAF.

That's the thing about historical writing, there's so much to account for that seems trivial. I'm guessing you didn't have that worry, Shann? :p

[Kelly_Sprout]

Robin,

I enjoyed the plot and action of this story very much. Comparing this version with the other one however, I kind of like the other one just a little bit better. Yes, I understand that you wanted to make it more historically accurate, but in the version presented for the contest, you seemed more intent on telling the story. In this one, I felt that the storytelling was maybe too detached, too clinical. I would like to have had a paragraph between the shooting and pilot on the railroad tracks -- or just before the shooting -- that would reveal the hero's thoughts about the German pilot, maybe delve into his feelings about killing him, and let us know that sparing him his life was something conscious, something about which he felt something. Such a paragraph would have made the transition from shooting across his propeller to seeing the pilot on the railroad tracks just a little bit smoother, in my opinion.

I'm glad you did the research, though, and am impressed with the realism you were able to convey to me. It is a well-written story. Good job!

[RobinHood3000]

Hmm...you know, that sounds like a good idea. I have something in mind already; I'll post it when it comes to fruition. Thanks very much for the feedback, Kelly! To be honest, I was hoping that more people'd have feedback than this.

[Virgil]

I voted for you story Robin. I thought it as well executed, tense good writing, and very realistic. I could imagine the whole thing. The one negative I have is that I felt the story wasn't strong. To me it was just an event. It needed something else. A sense of irony, perhaps. Or some psychological perspective. Or some unexpected turn in the plot.

[RobinHood3000]

Thanks, Virg -- I'll edit with your input in mind. I've wanted to try my hand at writing action for some time; with this story, I was trying to make sure that what I envisioned could make it to the page without losing too much.

I take it writing a second version from the German pilot's perspective might be too cheesy?

[Virgil]

Thanks, Virg -- I'll edit with your input in mind. I've wanted to try my hand at writing action for some time; with this story, I was trying to make sure that what I envisioned could make it to the page without losing too much.

I take it writing a second version from the German pilot's perspective might be too cheesy?

Probably. Would make it more of a story, though. Perhaps you can figure out an angle that would eliminate the cheesy. Like perhaps how he doesn't believe in Nazism but fights anyway and dies. Hmm, doesn't sound too bad.

[RobinHood3000]

Actually, now that I think back on my research, I believe I've found my angle...more later.