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Asa Adams
06-06-2006, 01:05 PM
Write a short or long poem on the spot! Write what you feel at this exact moment. Be creative. You can also post a poem that you previously wrote out of creativity!

Such Beauty

Such beauty is found
When one walks along
The path in summer.
The trees part in the wind,
Bowing to the crowds of weeds
And daisies.

I walk along the path,
Where my beloved stalks with me.
We pass through the rustled brush of thirsty
Willows and poignant lilies,
Sprouting up here and
There.
Scents of lilac flutter on the
Wings of the butterfly that
Jauntily swishes by

Oh yes, the beauty in
Summer.
Thrashing us with glee and
Joy, summer shows us
Such beauty.

Asa Adams

Asa Adams
06-06-2006, 11:19 PM
Alllllll Righty then, how be another?

As I was walking all alane,
I heard twa corbies making a mane;
The tane unto the t'other say,
'Where sall we gang and dine to-day,
Where sall we gang and dine to-day?'

'In behint yon auld fail dyke,
I wot there lies a new slain knight;
And naebody kens that he lies there,
But his hawk, his honnd, and lady fair,
His hawk, his honnd, and lady fair.

'His hound is to the hunting gane,
His hawk to fetch the wild-fowl hame,
His lady 'a ta'en another mate,
So we may mak our dinner sweet,
We may mak our dinner sweet.

'Ye'll sit on his white hause-bane,
And I'll pike out his bonny blue een;
Wi ae lock o his gowden hair
We'll theek our nest when it grows bare,
We'll theek our nest when it grows bare.'

'Mony a one for him makes mane,
But nane sall ken where he is gane;
Oer his white banes, when they are bare,
The wind sail blaw for evennair,
The wind sail blaw for evennair.'

Unknown

cuppajoe_9
06-07-2006, 12:42 AM
Whenever a thought
Strikes me worthy of writing
My pen's ink runs dry

Asa Adams
06-07-2006, 01:18 AM
GREAT! Very off the spot! I loved it!

cuppajoe_9
06-07-2006, 01:20 AM
Thanks. I actually wrote it earlier this afternoon.

I suppose if you can't actually think up a poem on the spot, you might as well post a poem about your inability to think up poems on the spot.

Asa Adams
06-07-2006, 01:29 AM
Lol, truth! :D

Asa Adams
06-07-2006, 01:32 AM
A Wounded One once said
'To arms again my friends', but as he turned
friends not be,
for he was not the only wounded one.

on the spot, and kinda lame, lol

cuppajoe_9
06-07-2006, 01:38 AM
No no, I like it.

The General sat down
And cried like a teenage girl
Whose party had flopped

Asa Adams
06-07-2006, 01:54 AM
hahaha, good one!

Why has thou found the need to
cry? asked the
opposing General,
I want not to harm you.
Only your
diginity.
You have, thankfully,
done this
for me.

cuppajoe_9
06-07-2006, 02:01 AM
A good reply, but my haiku was actually an attempt to answer the question "What if we threw a war and nobody came?". I can't remeber who said that.

Asa Adams
06-07-2006, 02:02 AM
flopped. right. it is an improper Haiku though. count the syllaboles ;)

cuppajoe_9
06-07-2006, 02:04 AM
Here's a very short one:



Why do I read poetry?
Because I like words.

Asa Adams
06-07-2006, 02:37 AM
sweet and short. always a good combo

Asa Adams
06-07-2006, 03:08 AM
I read poetry
because the words are moving
and i grow with them

Pensive
06-07-2006, 10:46 AM
I feel bad, really bad
I think that I am mad
I am really very sad
And I want to be glad.

Asa Adams
06-07-2006, 11:33 AM
Great! simple and easy! but creative!

Pensive
06-07-2006, 12:40 PM
Thanks *blushes*

Asa Adams
06-07-2006, 12:44 PM
Pensy blushes as
Asa remains cold and grey,
Avatars are great!


haha that was fun

Pensive
06-08-2006, 10:31 AM
I want to say hello again
But I have a bad throat
So I will write it down
Isn't it a good way to say hi?

Oh yeah, it is fun.

sanmartin
06-09-2006, 06:36 PM
To introduce himself, a bit of verse
Ready to write, for better or worse
Poems and stories, and all in between
Hoping that they will all be seen

:D

I'm just introducing myself

Pensive
06-10-2006, 02:54 AM
There is a newbie who wants to say Hi
It is a good thing to have lots of newbies
And Hi is better than thousands of goodbyes
I am sure newbie will enjoy the site, it's not a lie

Asa Adams
06-12-2006, 01:19 PM
yes, tis good, newbie
to come and share a
piece of poetry with
pensy and me! But don't
forget cuppajoe, for
he has added some of
his pieces
so!

Janine
12-02-2006, 02:55 AM
Please be glad
And stop being sad
Tomorrow will be
Better to thee

Janine
12-02-2006, 02:57 AM
Sorry - that was an answer to Pensive's sad poem. I did not realise there were two pages to this thread.

Janine
12-02-2006, 02:58 AM
I am a newbie
So hi to you all
I must go to bed
Or else I might fall

Il Penseroso
12-02-2006, 03:09 AM
Sad ink crushes art's brushes,
the proper painterly escape
is enjoyed in new noon thrushes.

Janine
12-02-2006, 11:11 PM
Here's my try - a simple poem I wrote in time of sadness.



The teacup


the teacup arrived in the afternoon mail
a tiny box of mystery
carelessly, amid the rubble of newsprint

within
a beautiful printed teacup
it sits upon my table

illumined by morning sun
it greets me when I wake
and holds the emptiness of you

why have you sent me
this teacup,
an empy teacup?

perhaps this teacup saw other loves lost
other empty hearts
like mine


Janine 2003

toni
12-02-2006, 11:20 PM
:
Sad ink crushes art's brushes,
the proper painterly escape
is enjoyed in new noon thrushes.

I really should build a fan club for Il Penseroso! :thumbs_up :lol:
Can you show us some more of your poems?


Here's my try - a simple poem I wrote in time of sadness.



The teacup


the teacup arrived in the afternoon mail
a tiny box of mystery
carelessly, amid the rubble of newsprint

within
a beautiful printed teacup
it sits upon my table

illumined by morning sun
it greets me when I wake
and holds the emptiness of you

why have you sent me
this teacup,
an empy teacup?

perhaps this teacup saw other loves lost
other empty hearts
like mine


Janine 2003

I love your poem, Janine!
It is very inspiring..I wish I wrote it..:bawling:
Actually, it has inspired me to write a poem for the poetry contest! Thanks!:D

dramasnot6
12-02-2006, 11:27 PM
May i claim the spot as your #1 fan Il Penseroso?:D

toni
12-02-2006, 11:31 PM
No, I will be the #1 !

Janine
12-02-2006, 11:38 PM
Il Penseroso - love your poem, too. Toni thanks for the compliment. I did revise it a little when I posted it. It was based on truth.

Il Penseroso
12-02-2006, 11:44 PM
Thanks, I appreciate it, but you give me faaaar too much credit.

Virgil
12-02-2006, 11:49 PM
Here's my try - a simple poem I wrote in time of sadness.



The teacup


the teacup arrived in the afternoon mail
a tiny box of mystery
carelessly, amid the rubble of newsprint

within
a beautiful printed teacup
it sits upon my table

illumined by morning sun
it greets me when I wake
and holds the emptiness of you

why have you sent me
this teacup,
an empy teacup?

perhaps this teacup saw other loves lost
other empty hearts
like mine


Janine 2003

I like it Janine. Nice.

Janine
12-03-2006, 12:03 AM
Gee, thanks Virgil. It is from the heart. I have been popping back and forth between this thread and Haiku tonight. This is a neat thread. Pink Floyd was just on TV so I had a hard time coming back to this, but now the concert is over.

Janine
12-03-2006, 12:50 AM
:) Ok, since I got such decent reviews I will post another:

frozen summer

summer
lost forever
rain too often falls
or perhaps not often enough
with the promise of weeds

for you have left me
a distant voice ending
your last words stain me
I am numb in disbelief
I am frozen in winter once more

nothing is real
the garden is untouched
by human hands, weeds thrive
I cannot bear to look upon its horrid beauty
it blooms in spite of you and I

in spite of my neglect and turning away
butterflies come in abundance
as though to say “we survive”
...only because it is summer
but winter freezes my heart

Janine Summer 2003

Virgil
12-03-2006, 12:56 AM
Wow. I like this even better. You certainly put your emotion out in front. And that's not easy without becoming maudlin. I take it 2003 was a tough year for you Janine.

Janine
12-03-2006, 12:59 AM
Very heartbreaking. I wrote about 6 of these poems...my tragic period. Glad you liked this one. Yes that's all me - heart on the sleeve. Soul was in that one and the garden is still unattended.:bawling: Used to be beautiful...oh well.

Janine
12-03-2006, 01:00 AM
But the butterflies still love it!

Virgil
12-03-2006, 01:02 AM
Very heartbreaking. I wrote about 6 of these poems...my tragic period. Glad you liked this one. Yes that's all me - heart on the sleeve. Soul was in that one and the garden is still unattended.:bawling: Used to be beautiful...oh well.

Well, you should start gardening again this coming spring. It will be time. Of course if you got the time.

Janine
12-03-2006, 01:24 AM
Yes, I know. I live on a lake/pond and there are mosquitoes but I have to start up again. Thing is I let it go and the weeds really thrived. Tons of perenials and weeds!!!

pixordia
12-03-2006, 02:43 AM
A Beach Menagerie

At daybreak I approach the beach
across a soft hill of clover
past sleeping pandanus,
down a small sand dune
I am enveloped by seawind

I look up to a flight of swallows,
symbol of returning
occupying the airspace of seagulls
A kookaburra laughs
somewhere to land-ward

A malamute puffs up alongside me
pulling a lady along
on a long leash
If she had a small sled
she could mush along
this perfect white beach

Tall lady pines line the shores
their skirts, just out of reach
of sea water

Seagulls sit in small conventions
pecking free donuts
lining up for cups of coffee
I imagine their grey wings
tucked through Aloha shirts
A german shepherd loping,
wolf-like scatters them
They swoop out to sea, laughing
They'll be telling the folks back home
of their close call

Now the sun's rays have reached the high rises
awakening diamond fires from glass windows
Out to sea, sunbeams reach down in straight lines
like sun pictures from a storybook



© Suzanne Delaney

dramasnot6
12-03-2006, 03:04 AM
No, I will be the #1 !

since we are so close in mind and soul Toni, lets share the position:D

toni
12-03-2006, 03:26 AM
Good idea, fellow alien..:alien:

Il Penseroso
12-03-2006, 03:33 AM
Here's a very brief prose poem I wrote (okay, just one sentence):

Days drag like a kitten on cardboard, warm fluff on the slick surface of solitude.

dramasnot6
12-03-2006, 03:34 AM
wow........

dramasnot6
12-03-2006, 03:34 AM
incredible imagery there IP

Janine
12-03-2006, 02:34 PM
Yes, quite nice IP - you should write more of these. I like the fact it is brief, but straight to the point and very rich in imagery as Dramasnot said.

Janine
12-04-2006, 01:01 AM
The Harp

Oh beautiful harp play gloriously
From fingers sweet with song
And fall upon my ears like moisture
Silken silvery, and sharp as rain drops

Janine
12-04-2006, 03:03 AM
The Concert

Horns blast loud and glorious
Solitary bell rings measured time
Vibrating harp invades my soul
Melody and gladness fill the air!
And pierce like sweet death's first kiss
Sharp arrows of unspeakable passion
Rest softly on my ear alone
For once again time stands still
Safe inside my cozy tomb

Il Penseroso
12-04-2006, 06:21 PM
The word that sinks by sleave-raised strain
cozens the December rain,
artful trickery heats the mind
while hearts sleep in forgotten rhyme.

Janine
12-04-2006, 06:54 PM
Midnight Memory

Western forest moist with autumn mist
Droplets gathering in the rain drenched night
Upon the tent, patterns of ancient trees
Discarded leaves drift like silver snowdrops
Recall me to a time of wonder and strange stillness
Tucked safely away from the wet
In the mindless Western midnight

Janine 2006

kheldar
12-10-2006, 06:20 AM
well here goes...


Come now friends and follow me
Through the forest of evergreen
Down these cells that none can breach
To sail beyond the endless seas

kheldar
12-10-2006, 06:25 AM
I played with love
For my destruction
I prayed to god
For my salvation

I went to seek
To lay the blame
I came to see
My own reflection

By the way, hope you all dont mind

dyingflame
12-10-2006, 11:54 AM
The Forest Hut


It was as if anybody
who knew anything
was long dead.


All around him stood the
blank faces
staring ignorance all around.




Their only sin was birth

and their only certainty ...
the tragic fact of existence.

chasestalling
12-10-2006, 12:15 PM
sweetness doth cloy a man to a state of slothful indolence. my antidote i tender thus:

wretched state of man
born to sin,
bred to whine,
be bonny be blithe
for to be stuck
in limbo for a bimbo
is to die in bliss.

Janine
12-11-2006, 03:28 AM
Friend Lost

Crinkled letter brown with age
Found within a scattered drawer;
Long since opened, lost to heart,
Forgotten page, remembered words.

Child of country not my own
Played upon imaginings
In a time now lost and gone
In a playground far from now

Claim the past, find a way -
How to search without a clue?
The world so small and yet so large
Answers traped inside my brain

Does this earthy child exist?
Penpals young, who now are grown
Distant country, one tiny name
Neatly bidding me goodbye.

Janine
12-11-2006, 03:53 AM
Friends That Fade

Friends are made, some depart.
Some to ponder and recall
I wonder if they think as I,
To that place, no thought of time;
Secrets trusted in the night.


See their footprints vaguely gone,
Soft with shadows, slow to fade.
Vivid memory bids adieu -
Those who turn from tender hearts,
With careless ease, they left behind.

Il Penseroso
01-03-2007, 03:09 PM
How about, to continue this thread, that I really did like, we post topics for the next person to write a poem on, without any restriction of form. I'll post a topic, and the next person writes a poem and a new topic. What do you think? I always have a hard time writing a poem from nothing, without a prompt of some sort.


Topic: Self-punishment for a transgression.

Janine
01-03-2007, 04:41 PM
Il Pen, that might be a good idea for another thread. I kind of like this one being "freeform"and open to ones own imagination and suggestion. I agree that sometimes it is hard to find a topic, but I know I came on here one night when several things occurred to me from personal experiences - one being having just seen a concert. If you want to make a new thread and call it suggested poem or something of the sort, you should do so and start it up. There is the poetry thread with pictures to prompt ideas, as well. You might find that is one to your preference.

Il Penseroso
01-03-2007, 05:00 PM
That works. I'll start a new thread.

Arania
01-03-2007, 07:44 PM
Hello.

I am new here. I'm a senior in high school and I've recently developed an interest in writing. I would really love your comments. I'm here to have my work ripped apart, so please, tell me exactly what you think. I will not be offended.

Analyze, Anesthetize Part I: Heidenberg


Pieces of yellow-corn straw
Are floating
On rivers.

Muddy translucence and
I can't see the edges anymore.

Search adds momentum
To the sea of falling sap
So I cannot look
Without touching

And touching
Changes you.

Janine
01-03-2007, 09:47 PM
Hello.

I am new here. I'm a senior in high school and I've recently developed an interest in writing. I would really love your comments. I'm here to have my work ripped apart, so please, tell me exactly what you think. I will not be offended.

Analyze, Anesthetize Part I: Heidenberg


Pieces of yellow-corn straw
Are floating
On rivers.

Muddy translucence and
I can't see the edges anymore.

Search adds momentum
To the sea of falling sap
So I cannot look
Without touching

And touching
Changes you.

Arania, and hi to you, too! :wave: Welcome to the Lit Net Forum! I joined about 2 months ago. I love it here. I am glad someone finally got back to this thread. I have written a few poems in it, but no one commented at all...then a little while later the interest in this thread seemed to have died out. So glad you found it and wrote a new poem.
I like your poem very much. I especially like the imagery and the closing line. that is really nice and completes the thought. I am curious about the title though. I did not know what the reference was. Can you explain?
Glad you joined up on the site and hope you write more interesting poems here. "Shared Haiku" is fun, too, and one gets to know many people that way....also Photoablum is great fun and the people all are nice and encouraging and friendly...and occasionally (when people get up the nerve) you get to see what some of us look like. Hope you join in for both - I am on "Shared Haiku" often - it is quite addictive, but a good exercise for poets.
Welcome again! - Janine :)

Arania
01-03-2007, 09:55 PM
Thank you, Janine. I'm really happy to be here. The Heidenberg thing refers to The Heidenberg Uncertainty Principle. He was a scientist who discovered that it is impossible to determine the state of an electron in an atom because looking at it changes its position.

Normally, I'm not very good with these things, but I remembered that while writing. (Apparently I learned something in chemistry - who knew?)

Thank you for being so welcoming :)

--Arania

Countess
01-04-2007, 10:57 AM
Life sucks
in massive trucks
and then you die
some say,

Is this the truth
or do I lie?
Yesterday, Tomorrow, Today

It remains unverified.
For at the moment
Life is Hell
and Death is Freedom
away.

Triskele
01-04-2007, 08:38 PM
simple sighs of midnight truth breath alone
in the misty morn of childhood dreams
the grey fog blows nightmares to blindness
leaving sight only to the hopeful thought
of sunrise on an empty pond of green
fish dance quietly to my lilting tune
pipe chords of shadow fade to violins
strings of a dawns fire dance on ancient wood
flutes filled with lifes breath flow to horizon
the strings of fiery bass vibrate to life
complimented only by the soft song
carried on the breath of lifes only joy
conducted by the black willow shadows
with the advent of orchestral sun


there, an on-the-spot sonnet that went rather well i think

keizi
01-06-2007, 09:43 AM
you want poetry on spot ?
here we go

So am sitting here looking for what to do
who said jobs come out of the blue
and if by chance it's realy true
why cant I write a long poem too?

what you want you cant always have
so I wont sit here and cry for words
I'll just offer what I can serve
and let you play the rest of the cards

Triskele
01-06-2007, 04:37 PM
i like it, very relaxed... this is a great thread

brokenheartpoet
01-14-2007, 04:40 PM
All those poets who think there better Than us beginner , They were once a beginner How would they feel if we treat them like a bully treats a kid he just beat up Don't the expert know us beginners have room to grow and need their help But, not to treat us like we know nothing about the art we work so hard for.

Janine
01-14-2007, 06:35 PM
simple sighs of midnight truth breath alone
in the misty morn of childhood dreams
the grey fog blows nightmares to blindness
leaving sight only to the hopeful thought
of sunrise on an empty pond of green
fish dance quietly to my lilting tune
pipe chords of shadow fade to violins
strings of a dawns fire dance on ancient wood
flutes filled with lifes breath flow to horizon
the strings of fiery bass vibrate to life
complimented only by the soft song
carried on the breath of lifes only joy
conducted by the black willow shadows
with the advent of orchestral sun


there, an on-the-spot sonnet that went rather well i think

Yes, very nice and so are the rest of the poems here. I like these "on the spot poems", but right now I don't have time to think one up. Will be back later...I love this informal thread. I did write a few in the beginning. See you soon....will write more.....this is fun.

Triskele
01-15-2007, 03:59 PM
All those poets who think there better Than us beginner , They were once a beginner How would they feel if we treat them like a bully treats a kid he just beat up Don't the expert know us beginners have room to grow and need their help But, not to treat us like we know nothing about the art we work so hard for.

thats the thing i like about this, the anonymity, people don't judge you by age, by size, or by the name you have made for yourself, just by the details you choose to reveal and the words you speak, it puts everyone on equal footing so that all can comment, all can write, and all can speak with an easy mind and know that they will get good criticisms and comments without getting bullied... i love it

Janine
01-15-2007, 04:11 PM
thats the thing i like about this, the anonymity, people don't judge you by age, by size, or by the name you have made for yourself, just by the details you choose to reveal and the words you speak, it puts everyone on equal footing so that all can comment, all can write, and all can speak with an easy mind and know that they will get good criticisms and comments without getting bullied... i love it

I agree - I was always shy about showing anyone poems I wrote or tried to write. On here I feel differently. The few I have posted, the other members have been so encouraging about. Everyone is on the "equal footing" as you have said, Tristele. Keep in mind that famous or well known/ well read poets all started somewhere and some really did publish gosh-awful poems at some time in their careers. The "gems" they wrote live on in our minds, but all poets write good and bad and struggle to come up with true moments of brilliance - those live on. From what I have observed here on Lit Net, we are pretty good poets, even if not published and we try awfully hard and the effort is the important part, really. On Lit Net one can be honest and post inner thoughts, without ridicule or criticism. SO post away, poets!:)

Il Penseroso
01-15-2007, 04:23 PM
Part of one I'm working on:

In sunshine swellls of imagination
curtains transfigure their pattern
on crumbling walls, the suffusion
of a dream.

Janine
01-15-2007, 05:13 PM
I like it so far - keep working on it. Good start Il Pen!

SnámhDáÉan
01-15-2007, 05:30 PM
The Heidenberg thing refers to The Heidenberg Uncertainty Principle. He was a scientist who discovered that it is impossible to determine the state of an electron in an atom because looking at it changes its position.


I think you mean Heisenberg and his uncertainty principle :cool:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Uncertainty_principle

downing
01-16-2007, 08:40 AM
My lattest poem. Please, I'd love to see any comments. I would be greateful to you to correct me or give suggestions.



Wind in a peerless plain


I am running through the plain,
throwing glances at the edges,
where the oaks are forming a morning line
and make a bow to the sun
which is shinning in the sky.
Every morning the oaks do a bow
to the sun or to the wind
It seems it doesn’t bother them anymore
if it’s gloomy or if it’s sunny.
The wind of change does come to us
every minute of our lives
and throws a glance to our previous humour
afterwards leaving once more,
because it will come again
when we do not expect.
I changed, too. Maybe many times an hour
but I know that I will never change
in love. I'll love as long as I will breath
and as long as I wil have a heart to beat.
Love would be peerless if not altered
by indifference;
and changes if we permit that wind
to come.
Sometimes it does have to come,
to save us from unusefulness.
I am still staying in the plain,
the sun has gone and the stars
have rose overhead.
I am still waiting.
If it doesn't come,
I'll be gone

Janine
01-16-2007, 04:38 PM
My lattest poem. Please, I'd love to see any comments. I would be greateful to you to correct me or give suggestions.


Wind in a peerless plain


I am running through the plain,
throwing glances at the edges,
where the oaks are forming a morning line
and make a bow to the sun
which is shinning in the sky.
Every morning the oaks do a bow
to the sun or to the wind
It seems it doesn’t bother them anymore
if it’s gloomy or if it’s sunny.
The wind of change does come to us
every minute of our lives
and throws a glance to our previous humour
afterwards leaving once more,
because it will come again
when we do not expect.
I changed, too. Maybe many times an hour
but I know that I will never change
in love. I'll love as long as I will breath
and as long as I wil have a heart to beat.
Love would be peerless if not altered
by indifference;
and changes if we permit that wind
to come.
Sometimes it does have to come,
to save us from unusefulness.
I am still staying in the plain,
the sun has gone and the stars
have rose overhead.
I am still waiting.
If it doesn't come,
I'll be gone

:wave: Hi Downing, I like this poem you wrote very much. I like the way the change occurs in one day's time, or so one day is used as an example of time, perhaps symbolic (?). It is good the way the poem ends, with the stars coming out and you still waiting for the change. I would only change a few things and I say this to help you, since we are friends and you asked for my help and opinions.
First, I feel like the line
I changed, too. Maybe many times an hour
but I know that I will never change
in love.
I would suggest this: "I changed, too, many times an hour, but I know that I will never change in love." Or make last line a separate sentence starting with "However" and like this "However, I know that I will never change in love." or with a semicolon before "however". I just think that sounds better and needs to be broken up. You might also consider using "change" instead of "changed" in first part of sentence. I think that reads better, to keep it in the present tense. That might just be my personal opinion.

There is one minor typo in "...... I will breath
and as long as I wil have a heart to beat." word "will" - two ll's....no big deal. Also a few in your spelling introducing your poem. "lattest" has one "t" ,and "grateful" one "e" - "grateful". Believe me, I am a terrible speller myself and English is my native language; I had to look up the last one.:lol: Just wanted to aid you in your English as your requested of me.

"Love would be peerless if not altered
by indifference;
and changes if we permit that wind
to come." This part confuses me a little, since you previously stated "but I know that I will never change in love". I am wondering about this line, because now you seem to be saying there can be a change that is "altered by indifference". Can you explain this to me? Does you attitude towards "unchanging love" change during the course of the poem? Also what do you mean by "unusefullness" closer to end of poem?


Only other criticism (from a former graphic artist's viewpoint) would be to post your poem in a little larger type-face and black. It is too difficult to read in the red on the tan background. That is why I quoted you and also increased you type face, style and size to have it appear clearer to read. (sorry, I would have kept your type "style", but lost it when I deleted it - that style could just be larger in size). Personally I like poems that are flush left and not centered but some chooce centering. I think they are more difficult to read this way.

I hope you do not mind my criticism. I was trying to be helpful, since you asked for my advice. I am not a novice at poetry, myself - so this is merely my humble opinion. ;)
Ending comment: I think the poem is nicely constructed and has a good point to get across. Keep writing. You have talent and much time ahead of you to develop it in!
Your good friend, Janine :)

downing
01-17-2007, 09:18 AM
Hi Janine.Thank you so much for writing a criticism on my poem-I read it anxiously and I am very happy to answer to your questions.

Would it be better like this?
''I change, too, many times an hour,
However, I know that I will never change
in love.''
I didn't quite understanding what were you saying about a semicolon.


Thanks for telling me about the spelling mistakes-will, grateful and latest. I sincerly admire you and I am thankful you for the time you dedicated reading my poem and making the criticism.

You said:

"Love would be peerless if not altered
by indifference;
and changes if we permit that wind
to come."
This part confuses me a little, since you previously stated "but I know that I will never change in love". I am wondering about this line, because now you seem to be saying there can be a change that is "altered by indifference". Can you explain this to me? Does you attitude towards "unchanging love" change during the course of the poem? Also what do you mean by "unusefullness" closer to end of poem?


Indeed, I meant that the one who ''talks'' in the poem(''the poetry instance'' or how should I call it) changes her attitude from believing into an unchanging love into believing into a possible altered love.
I must firstly explain the ''action'' I imagined:
A girl running thorugh the plain, hoping to meet her boyfriend, but who can not be behold. While waiting for him, she starts thinking about what love really is: in her run, she sees the trees and the idea of change comes into her mind. At first she says that she changes many times an hour but that she will never change in love. After that, noticing the nature which is altering around her, she does understand that her love will also be changed if she is not loved by the one who she does love(that's the altering provoked by ''indifference'') And the ''unusefullness'' is the state of loving someone who does not love you. And that's why the wind is sometimes good: to save us from loving vainly someone who does not care of us.


I am still staying in the plain,
the sun has gone and the stars
have rose overhead.
I am still waiting.
If it doesn't come,
I'll be gone

I should have better said: ''If HE doesn't come/ I'll be gone'' because I meant that if her love interest does not come at their meeting, she will understand that he does not love her and she will permit that wind to come. She will leave and forget him. And so the wind of change will save her from unusefullness.

These would be the answers. I am opened to any other questions and suggestions, as I am sure that my poem is not perfect. I will post an improved verison,with some changes.
Thank you once again,
Downing

downing
01-17-2007, 09:19 AM
Wind in a peerless plain


I am running through the plain,
throwing glances at the edges,
where the oaks are forming a morning line
and make a bow to the sun
which is shinning in the sky.
Every morning the oaks do a bow
to the sun or to the wind
It seems it doesn’t bother them anymore
if it’s gloomy or if it’s sunny.
The wind of change does come to us
every minute of our lives
and throws a glance to our previous humour
afterwards leaving once more,
because it will come again
when we do not expect.
I changed, too, many times an hour.
However, I know that I will never change
in love. I'll love as long as I will breath
and as long as I will have a heart to beat.
Love would be peerless if not altered
by indifference;
and changes if we permit that wind
to come.
Sometimes it does have to come,
to save us from unusefulness.
I am still staying in the plain,
the sun has gone and the stars
have rose overhead.
I am still waiting.
If he doesn't come,
I'll be gone

Janine
01-17-2007, 05:06 PM
Ok, this is what I would do - some minor changes - suggestions. I will put corrections into the text and indicate, with (blue type) comments, below the line, or lines that I changed.



I am running through the plain,
throwing glances at the edges,
where the oaks are forming a morning line
and make a bow to the sun
which is shinning in the sky.
Every morning the oaks do a bow
to the sun or to the wind.
(Period needed after "wind")
It seems it doesn’t bother them anymore
if it’s gloomy or if it’s sunny.
The wind of change does come to us
every minute of our lives
and throws a glance to our previous humour.
(I would put period here - end sentence)
Afterwards, it leaves us once more,
New sentence with "A" and change "Afterwards, it leaves us..."
because it will come again
when we do not expect it.
Change to "expect." to".......expect it."
I changed, too, many times an hour.
However, I know that I will never change
in love; I'll love as long as I will breath
(If you keep that in same line, put semicolon ";" not period "."because it is a new sentence.)
and as long as I will have a heart to beat.
Love would be peerless if not altered
by indifference;
(good line!
After "indifference" I would use a coma, not a semicolon...it is the same sentence.)
and changes if we permit that wind
to come.
Sometimes it does have to come,
to save us from uselessness.
I looked the word "unuselessness" up in several dictionaries - there seems to be no such word. Often great poets do use "poetic license" and do change words. For example - e.e.cummings did not always punctuate - he was known for that form; he even signed his name in lower case. He did so, often, and made up his own words, defying laws of proper English. However, I would suggest to you to use proper English, to learn the language better. Perhaps "uselessness" would be preferable and the correct word to end this thought and line. You may have meant that word. Something was just lost in translation. That is understandable.
I am still staying in the plain;
technically a semicolon here, not coma.the sun has gone and the stars
have risen overhead.
Proper English would be "have risen" or "stars rose"...no "has" inbetween.
I am still waiting.
If he doesn't come,
Yes, I thought the same change would work great; this personalizes the poem for me and makes the poem more real. Now it makes more sense to me.
I'll be gone. It is a good closing line, needs a period to end it.

Cristina, I think your poem is lovely. I like the idea very much. "Change" is a big part of life and here the young girl comes to this conclusion in one day's time, while waiting for her loved one. The only other suggestion I might have for you - would be to add somewhere in the body of the poem, a line that hints at the waiting specifically being directed to a real person (man, lover). This more personal connection, or idea seemed a little obscure to me until you explained it. I hope this helps you and is constructive. As I told you, I am not a qualified teacher or expert on poetry to make these corrections, but they are merely suggestions to aid you. It only needed some minor adjustments. Let me know what you think.
Your friend, Janine :)

Janine
01-17-2007, 06:52 PM
Cristina, I hope I am not getting a reputation here as the wicked critic! Janine

Adolescent09
01-17-2007, 07:40 PM
Here is one of my recent poetic works. Please tell me what you think :)

She lays on a land of dewy grass
tickled by golden trickles
of peach, and scents of cherries
like matrimonal partners in hawaii
on their honey moon,
the ocean glides, like mobile ice,
salts mingle the air with strong spice,
resembling a butterfly burst from its cacoon,
diffusing air through rainbow wings,
she feels it in her soul
manipulated into motion,
a spinning marionette on the ocean,
the resplendant ball above shedding
light on auburn locks,
a cheek tinged with tears,
she's dancing alone on a rock,
her loved one's been gone for years,
through coincidence, through accident,
it has not been told,
the mind creates a myriad of fanciful thoughts,
from dreams that are lost and old.

Janine
01-17-2007, 08:15 PM
I like your poem very much. I like the way it paints a sumptuous and naturalistic picture. It shows emotion and it also flows nicely, poetically speaking. Interesting since my son and his wife went to Hawaii on their honeymoon last year. It is a lovely place and so flowery and scented. I think that you captured this very well.
Maybe Downing will comment on it, also. We are friends and she is not of native English speaking, so I have tried to help her with spelling, word meanings and punctuation. I can only see some puncutation in yours that I might change, but that is only from a personal viewpoint. I don't know you and would not venture to criticise you in this way. Downing asked me for help with her poems. But I am glad you wanted feedback. I think this is important. I have posted some poems, also, and no one responded to them; others I posted they did comment, and it made all the difference in the world. We all need encouragement and inspiration and stimuli. Keep on writing poems, Adolescent09. You have talent!

Adolescent09
01-17-2007, 09:30 PM
Janine, I thank you kindly for your thoughts. If you have any poetry you want to publically share in this topic, I would gladly present my views and opinions, althought I must warn you, I am a novice at poetry and may not render your works any true justice. I'd like to see your poetry though :).

Janine
01-17-2007, 09:58 PM
Janine, I thank you kindly for your thoughts. If you have any poetry you want to publically share in this topic, I would gladly present my views and opinions, althought I must warn you, I am a novice at poetry and may not render your works any true justice. I'd like to see your poetry though :).

Adolescent09.....Gee, you kind of scare me...I am a sensitive visual artist, so poetry is only something I dabble in and enjoy....an alternate form of painting, as of a picture or thought. Glad you are a novice - do you publish poetry? But, sure - go ahead and read mine; I would like to hear what you think. I did get some good comments on "Teacup" and "Frozen Summer", but maybe my friends on Lit Net were being kind. I just hope you don't cut my poems to shreds (*shutter*). I have actually posted 7 in this thread: #27,#35,#48,#49,#51,#56, and #57. If you go back you will see them. Just quote anyone to review it. Thanks and I will be anxious to read your opinions. They are fairly simplistic poems but first two happen to be true, and personal to me.

Triskele
01-17-2007, 10:49 PM
Dance

Swirling colors
Dance vibrantly
Parading to the jarring tune
Of nameless chords
As notes fade to reality
I awake off the floor
Out of the dance
In my desk, I question
Not my class
Above, its you
To join in my song
Gently spin
A fantastic tale
A wonderful night
With you?

here's a fairly whimsical poem that i sort of like, somewhat of a wierd wording but perhaps it works, please do comment.

Janine
01-18-2007, 12:10 AM
Hi Tristele, I like your poem very much. Only thing I would question is the lines starting with
"I awake off the floor
Out of the dance
In my desk, I question
Not my class"

The wording in these lines is a little confusing to me, and a little uncomfortable to read. Can you explain? Maybe some punctuation to break it up might help make it clearer.

"Above, its you" - do you mean "it's you" - a shortened "it is"?

Hope these comments help you. Trying to be...the kind critic. Janine

Adolescent09
01-18-2007, 08:07 AM
Actually I appreciate having my poetry and various other works cut to shreds rathern than receive undeserved positive comments. If the positive comments are justified, sure nothing is wrong with that, but I don't want my work cutting corners just because someone wants to be "nice". If there are errors in my writing I want to know about them, inform me.

And yes, I'll get to reading your poems.

kheldar
01-18-2007, 12:02 PM
Heart of darkness suffering and guilt
Be gone from this place I so lovingly built
Though in ruins and rubble it remains
Sacred memories of greatness it contains

Why has darkness consumed this place?
Why has light deserted these halls?
Constant carnage of endless wars
The vultures they seem to smile with glee


I could'nt think of anything that was completed. Its not much but pls tell me what I've done wrong so far.

Adolescent09
01-18-2007, 01:08 PM
Vultures smiling with glee seema bit odd, if not funny. The rest of it is very nice, but vague. Of what darkness and place do you allude to? A castle? A simple home? A mosque? I think perhaps using adjectives to describe the "place" would really enhance your poem's meaning. The transition from what it is now to what it once was, is done very well, I like it. But perhaps use words like...stoned walls... or wood or some sort of infrastructure to describe the type of building and maybe a few lines to give readers a clue on what era you're talking about. As for wars, I think that is too general a term. Wars range from before the existence of Christ to America's Iraq War. Maybe be specific? It depends on what your aim is though... If I'm "reading too much into" your poem I might be wrong. You've got a great thing going there.

Janine
01-18-2007, 06:16 PM
Actually I appreciate having my poetry and various other works cut to shreds rathern than receive undeserved positive comments. If the positive comments are justified, sure nothing is wrong with that, but I don't want my work cutting corners just because someone wants to be "nice". If there are errors in my writing I want to know about them, inform me.

And yes, I'll get to reading your poems.

Maybe there are two ways of looking at it. First off, most people on Lit Net are here to have fun. I am not too serious about my poetry, I have to say that. I wrote some poems merely to express certain thoughts I had at the time. If you care to read them, that is fine, but actually I would not enjoy seeing my humble attempts at poetry cut to shreds. I am a visual artist, so this is my first interest and talent, not poetry. You may want to skip my lame attempts altogether. To begin with I was shy about posting any poems, and others on Lit Net encouraged me to do so. If they were being just "nice" that is ok with me. I don't intent to make poetry my profession. I am 56 yrs old and don't need another profession at this point.
Thanks for your post, Janine

Adolescent09
01-18-2007, 09:56 PM
I understand, Janine. I'm fairly young and I aspire for a career in literature so perhaps I'm more serious about the comments I receive for my works. I've never published anything but I want to make sure that I'm getting an honest opinion so that when it comes to show my work to a publisher I won't get laughed at and have my work shredded.. I'm looking to improve and am trying to learn new styles often.

(I hope my last post didn't sound too harsh.)

Janine
01-18-2007, 10:44 PM
I understand, Janine. I'm fairly young and I aspire for a career in literature so perhaps I'm more serious about the comments I receive for my works. I've never published anything but I want to make sure that I'm getting an honest opinion so that when it comes to show my work to a publisher I won't get laughed at and have my work shredded.. I'm looking to improve and am trying to learn new styles often.

(I hope my last post didn't sound too harsh.)

Adolescent, thanks for writing this, you are being honest and mature. I am glad you understand me. Your post did sound a little harsh, but now I can see your point. As far as my own poetry is concerned, my poems were just fun attempts to write something down to preserve thoughts in my memory. Most people on Lit Net have a good deal of fun and don't take themselves so seriously, and everyone enjoys sharing their writings. We are mostly quite kind and nice to each other and considerate, but sometimes lively differences are aired in a debating form that can get heated. If discussions get too heated a moderator comes in and says a few words to put everyone and the topic back into perspective.
Many posters are young like you or younger - some real young, like my friend who asked for my critique on her poem - she is just 13. She also asked for my help with language and grammar, since she is not native English speaking. Everyone, no matter how old, is learning just like us. Lit Net is a great exercise and way to learn and be stimulated by other artists/aspiring authors.
Adolescent, I am glad to hear that you keep on writing and aspire to be an author or poet...how wonderful. I have read a few of your poems and thought they were quite good; you do possess much talent in writing. I am not just being nice or kind saying that. I really meant it. I liked the flow and ideas in your poetry; they are very lyrical. Beyond that I don't know enough to critique them.
Hope this helps you and you are encouraged to post more of your poems and whatever else you write. keep writing - you have talent! Have you tried the poetry contest thread? It is a lot of fun and some good poems are written there. I have never entered it but will probably get brave and do so soon.
Janine

Adolescent09
01-19-2007, 07:43 AM
Thank you Janine. When I said " some people give honest opinions just to be nice", I hope you didn't think I meant you. I was talking about my mother.. She rates everything I do highly.. (in literature) so I can never get an honest opinion from her. And being a homeschooler I really don't have anyone else to comment my work besides my mom; thats why I was glad when I found a literary forum. I got some notion that people here were terribly serious about their work (seeing as there are very few literary forums on the internet)..but I was wrong. I didn't mean any disrespect and I'm glad you're giving me an honest opinion. Sorry, and thanks again. :).

Triskele
01-19-2007, 11:22 AM
Hi Tristele, I like your poem very much. Only thing I would question is the lines starting with
"I awake off the floor
Out of the dance
In my desk, I question
Not my class"

The wording in these lines is a little confusing to me, and a little uncomfortable to read. Can you explain? Maybe some punctuation to break it up might help make it clearer.

"Above, its you" - do you mean "it's you" - a shortened "it is"?

Hope these comments help you. Trying to be...the kind critic. Janine

those particular lines refer to a lack of confidence, "i awake off the floor" making the dance seem almost a dream, which is then emphasised by the "in my desk", the "i question" is self doubt, and "Not my class, above, its you" is a play on words. the character is confused, thus not his class, making him seem out of place, but it could also be taken as class as in level of society, thus making his statement one of a feeling of lack of worth, "above, its you" signifies that the other, mysterious character in the poem is a higher class, a better person than the main person. i apologize if these lines confuse the message, but i did say it was fairly whimsical, so i guess i hope you see my point of view, but if you don't i entirely understand...

Janine
01-19-2007, 03:05 PM
those particular lines refer to a lack of confidence, "i awake off the floor" making the dance seem almost a dream, which is then emphasised by the "in my desk", the "i question" is self doubt, and "Not my class, above, its you" is a play on words. the character is confused, thus not his class, making him seem out of place, but it could also be taken as class as in level of society, thus making his statement one of a feeling of lack of worth, "above, its you" signifies that the other, mysterious character in the poem is a higher class, a better person than the main person. i apologize if these lines confuse the message, but i did say it was fairly whimsical, so i guess i hope you see my point of view, but if you don't i entirely understand...

Triskele, very good explanation. I like that line with the "play on words"...now I understand it. The rest also seems pretty clear to me now. I like the poem and think it whimsical and interesting....conveying well your thoughts. I will re-read the entire poem again. Thanks for explaining. Janine

kheldar
01-20-2007, 07:00 AM
Vultures smiling with glee seema bit odd, if not funny. The rest of it is very nice, but vague. Of what darkness and place do you allude to? A castle? A simple home? A mosque? I think perhaps using adjectives to describe the "place" would really enhance your poem's meaning. The transition from what it is now to what it once was, is done very well, I like it. But perhaps use words like...stoned walls... or wood or some sort of infrastructure to describe the type of building and maybe a few lines to give readers a clue on what era you're talking about. As for wars, I think that is too general a term. Wars range from before the existence of Christ to America's Iraq War. Maybe be specific? It depends on what your aim is though... If I'm "reading too much into" your poem I might be wrong. You've got a great thing going there.

Sorry I took this long to reply, been quite busy. And thanks for your comments and suggestions. I guess I was trying to be too smart.:D The poem was not about a place. Nor was it about a war. Not initially anyway. It was about me. It’s about how I helped destroy something that I held very dear. Hence the word ‘guilt’ at the end of the first line. With the last line I was trying to tell about the people who are just waiting for you to fall down. Couldn’t think of, another way to say that. Though I must admit it does sound stupid.:lol: But I also wanted this to have a superficial meaning too. Think maybe I should forget about the personal meaning and try to tell a story. That way I can use more imagery. Whatever I do I shall post it again as soon as it is completed. Or when run out of ideas again. Hope to see your comments and suggestions again. Thanks once again.:thumbs_up

Adolescent09
01-20-2007, 08:22 AM
Oh, I took your poem in a totally wrong direction, sorry kheldar. I think the "war" part threw me off from your original meaning, but now that you've told me the subject matter of your poem it makes a lot more sense, and is much better than I thought. At first I anticipated your poem was an analogy but when I saw "vultures" and "war" I thought you were referring to some historical carnage. Well, I'm glad we got that cleared up. It all clicks in place now, to me :), and I'd be happy to comment your future revisions/works.

Janine
01-20-2007, 09:11 PM
Thank you Janine. When I said " some people give honest opinions just to be nice", I hope you didn't think I meant you. I was talking about my mother.. She rates everything I do highly.. (in literature) so I can never get an honest opinion from her. And being a homeschooler I really don't have anyone else to comment my work besides my mom; thats why I was glad when I found a literary forum. I got some notion that people here were terribly serious about their work (seeing as there are very few literary forums on the internet)..but I was wrong. I didn't mean any disrespect and I'm glad you're giving me an honest opinion. Sorry, and thanks again. :).

That's a good explanation, Adolescent09, and very gracious of you. No, I am surely not your mom, but probably old enough to be your grandmother. I have a young heart though. I try to be constructive with my criticism and help encourage. too...I am nice in this way. It is hard being isolated at home, being homeschooled. I know a family with a son who also has been homeschooled, but now attends his second year of college. He likes the interchange very much.
I think if you post more of your poems you will get honest comments on them from other posters. You should post in the poetry contest thread - one writes a poem to the picture, the last winner, posts. Presently one has just been posted and there is about a 2 - 3 week deadline. It is an interesting way to get people to really read what you write and comment on it. The person choosing the winner usually comments on each poem before announcing the winner. I may enter this one, since I found the photo interesting. Take note that they discourage commenting on poems until they are all posted and the winner chosen, since it might influence the judge. I have been following this thread for sometime and it posts some very good poetry. Contrary to your impression, I do think there are a lot of serious minded poets on this site, especially the contest thread. Like I said before there are a lot of youth eager to learn more. I think, ultimately, we all learn from exposure and from each other.
Hope this throws some light on the atmostphere here. ~ Janine

Adolescent09
01-20-2007, 09:50 PM
Thanks Janine, for shedding light on this new way of presenting my poetry and accepting my apologies.. I'll sift through the poetry contest thread and put my skills to the test :).

Janine
01-21-2007, 01:06 AM
Thanks Janine, for shedding light on this new way of presenting my poetry and accepting my apologies.. I'll sift through the poetry contest thread and put my skills to the test :).

Great - I will be anxious to read yours. Meanwhile post away on here. Have fun with it. Keep up the creative flow! :)

Triskele
01-21-2007, 01:57 AM
simple sighs of laughter flick
flit, glisten on a frozen pond
who dares disturb these water
what now is the tune we play
the spikes of water drip,drip
as if a challenge, throwing down
the water, liquid from ice
love from a frozen heart
the dare, to be free
the response, a long kiss

there, chew on that

Triskele
01-21-2007, 02:03 AM
Here is one of my recent poetic works. Please tell me what you think :)

She lays on a land of dewy grass
tickled by golden trickles
of peach, and scents of cherries
like matrimonal partners in hawaii
on their honey moon,
the ocean glides, like mobile ice,
salts mingle the air with strong spice,
resembling a butterfly burst from its cacoon,
diffusing air through rainbow wings,
she feels it in her soul
manipulated into motion,
a spinning marionette on the ocean,
the resplendant ball above shedding
light on auburn locks,
a cheek tinged with tears,
she's dancing alone on a rock,
her loved one's been gone for years,
through coincidence, through accident,
it has not been told,
the mind creates a myriad of fanciful thoughts,
from dreams that are lost and old.


you know what, i love it, sort of an ethereal love story, almost fantasy, and yet the emotion this poem carries can be applied to all, the sensation of "dancing alone on a rock" carries what it feels like to be completely infatuated with someone... thank you for the gift of words...

Janine
01-21-2007, 02:40 AM
simple sighs of laughter flick
flit, glisten on a frozen pond
who dares disturb these water
what now is the tune we play
the spikes of water drip,drip
as if a challenge, throwing down
the water, liquid from ice
love from a frozen heart
the dare, to be free
the response, a long kiss

there, chew on that

Tristele, I like this poem of yours - I live on a pond and used to ice-skate so I like that image. I was wondering about the grammar in your line -

"who dares disturb these water"

Shouldn't it be "these waters" or else use "this water"?

I am not sure about the last line - that really throws me off. But I like the rest of the poem. What was your intention for the last line's meaning? My personal feelings are it does not follow well the flow of the poem. I like the last line to be "the reponse, a long kiss" Perhaps "there, chew on that" was just your own comment on your poem (?)

Triskele
01-22-2007, 07:00 PM
you are correct, "there, chew on that" is not part of the poem, it is my own narcissistic comment of derision of my inadequate poem. it should be "these waters" i apologize for the grammar mistake and hope you got the message despite the inelegant english.

Janine
01-22-2007, 08:54 PM
Tristele, don't say it is inadequate; I like the poem very much. You have much potential and you are talented. Keep writing!

Arania
01-22-2007, 10:13 PM
Hello everyone:

I've been writing a lot recently and most people tell me not to hold back. I didn't realize that I was, but I've been making a conscious effort not to. I've posted this separately, so I am sorry for doing it again, but most of the time nobody comments on the other and I would really like some criticism.

This was the second strictly 'not holding back' poem that I wrote and it was especially painful. I'm hoping that the desperation of the second half will register. I didn't do it consciously, but it's definitely there. There's a long story about the subject, but I don't think you all want me to bore you with it ... heh.





do you love me still?

do you sit without company
to remember what has been
so accutely dimmed by
hindsight?

do you wander on rainy days;
half-empty soul from the loss of me?

do you still call me sweetheart
in your mind?

can you still hear my voice when
you try hard enough?
and the way I smelled
when you halted my cries?

do you try at all?

are you pushing with everything
your strength contains to
remember?

are you spending your days
pulling and prodding and
prying and gathering
in order to bring me back?

do you write and sing and cry
and dream and love and wonder?

and are you restless with dark nightmares
in which I do not return to you
in tears and whistles,
songs and slow motion?

can you breathe without me?

My heart,
do you still love me at all?

Janine
01-22-2007, 11:06 PM
Hello everyone:

I've been writing a lot recently and most people tell me not to hold back. I didn't realize that I was, but I've been making a conscious effort not to. I've posted this separately, so I am sorry for doing it again, but most of the time nobody comments on the other and I would really like some criticism.

This was the second strictly 'not holding back' poem that I wrote and it was especially painful. I'm hoping that the desperation of the second half will register. I didn't do it consciously, but it's definitely there. There's a long story about the subject, but I don't think you all want me to bore you with it ... heh.

Arania, I loved it! I can see it was from personal experience and out of pain and longing. It was a very honest poem and interesting to surmise the thought of the departed person. I admire the honesty in someone. I wrote a poem a while back called "Frozen Summer" and I was told I really put myself up front with that poem. I had written that one and another called "Empty Teacup" and I received much encouragement. I had written these after a broken love affair and a very sad time in my life. I imagine your story would be somewhat like mine. The point is it is always best to write the things dearest to our thoughts and our hearts. I like your closing line very much. Keep up the good work and do not hold back....write your heart out and express yourself. That is what we are here for....and of course, to have fun. My best, Janine

Arania
01-22-2007, 11:55 PM
Thank you so much, Janine. You are always so encouraging. I would really love to read those poems of yours if you would allow. (If not, I completely understand.)

Take Care.

Arania
01-23-2007, 12:05 AM
:) Ok, since I got such decent reviews I will post another:

frozen summer

summer
lost forever
rain too often falls
or perhaps not often enough
with the promise of weeds

for you have left me
a distant voice ending
your last words stain me
I am numb in disbelief
I am frozen in winter once more

nothing is real
the garden is untouched
by human hands, weeds thrive
I cannot bear to look upon its horrid beauty
it blooms in spite of you and I

in spite of my neglect and turning away
butterflies come in abundance
as though to say “we survive”
...only because it is summer
but winter freezes my heart

Janine Summer 2003

I found them.

This makes me cry because I totally get it. "I am numb in disbelief." It totally makes sense as well as "they bloom in spite of you and I." And then you try to turn away to forget about it but you're always reminded of it.

My best friend (who also happens to be the love of my life) moved eight hours away. We were so close that we could understand each other without even speaking. When he left, it tore me apart. It's been two years and I still feel like half of me is missing. All of that sounds ridiculous when I tell you I'm just a senior in high school... but somehow I know it is real. (Though it sounds like a dumb teenager thing.)

So, your poem really really touched me.

It is so beautifully written; you do not give your self enough credit. Please, don't think you are a bad poet. We would lose a great one if you did. I am being totally honest about that.

Janine
01-23-2007, 02:05 AM
I found them.

This makes me cry because I totally get it. "I am numb in disbelief." It totally makes sense as well as "they bloom in spite of you and I." And then you try to turn away to forget about it but you're always reminded of it.

My best friend (who also happens to be the love of my life) moved eight hours away. We were so close that we could understand each other without even speaking. When he left, it tore me apart. It's been two years and I still feel like half of me is missing. All of that sounds ridiculous when I tell you I'm just a senior in high school... but somehow I know it is real. (Though it sounds like a dumb teenager thing.)

So, your poem really really touched me.

It is so beautifully written; you do not give your self enough credit. Please, don't think you are a bad poet. We would lose a great one if you did. I am being totally honest about that.

Arania, thanks so much for taking the time to find and read my poems. Thanks for the complements. I wrote them 3 or more yrs ago, and sometimes I still feel the same stabbing heartache. No matter how young or old we are, there are some things we will never, ever get over. We can go on with our lives, but they remain somewhere within us. We just store them safely away. My love (of 5 yrs) also had become my best friend. When he departed it felt like a death; it may as well have been one, since I have no communication with him now. I wrote a poem about that, but never posted it on here, thinking it too personal.
Like you, I totally connected to your poem emotionally. I think like you in your poem, more often than I can say and I really felt your poem put into words thoughts of my own. Your saddness was so well expressed and the poem is so lovely and flows well, with good meter and progression. Your poem really "touched" me, too. I am not an expert on poetry, but I really do think it is good. I would be anxious now to hear more of your poetry. Keep writing and amazing me.
Thanks again! Janine

Adolescent09
01-23-2007, 05:56 PM
This poem might appear a bit harsh and plainly untrue in consideration to some specific societies, but I based this poem on personal experience and quotidian occurrences in my ghetto neighborhood. In this poem I try to convey a message without directly alluding to my topic. For instance I use "Sex" instead of "Woman"... Please read, debate, and correct at will. Thanks. :

What became of those dogged and intrepid hearts,
universally considered the lesser sex,
but courageous and defying none the less,
walking hand in hand abreast,
many hearts together,
all beating in one,
hands of steel with signs advocating specific rights,
voting rights, job rights, religious rights,
a people differentiated by their sex,
how blind the world was,
they had had enough,
an epic change, new pupils in empty sockets
they made that change and were respected,
but what has become of it now?
in the music industry, in the "other" industry
blatantly in society,
they strut about with scarce attire,
permit themselves to be slapped and jostled
by what they formerly proved their equal but opposite sex,
why relinquish freedom,
just to please others,
why show yourself in invidious ways,
and consider it normal and conventional,
we need a change once again,
those people of that dogged sex,
cannot arise with hands of steel and signs advocating wants,
for they bring this adversity on themselves.

Janine
01-23-2007, 06:18 PM
Gee, I have to think about this one and re-read it. I think I really like it and the idea. It seems you lived in the wrong time period, Adolescent. You have scrupples! Good for you. I think I can see between the lines quite well, and I will study it closer; it is not vague, really at all.

Triskele
01-23-2007, 07:06 PM
[

definitely i love it especially


do you wander on rainy days;
half-empty soul from the loss of me?

this image of a "half empty soul" is gorgeos, making it sound as if your emotion is drained, but still there just enough to remind you of the pain

Janine
01-23-2007, 07:38 PM
[

definitely i love it especially


this image of a "half empty soul" is gorgeos, making it sound as if your emotion is drained, but still there just enough to remind you of the pain

I like the way her poem takes the imagined point of view of the lost lover. That is quite different and poignant. I have thought of things like that, such as "what is he doing now?", etc. It makes the poem go straight to my heart.

Adolescent09
01-24-2007, 03:21 PM
Gee, I have to think about this one and re-read it. I think I really like it and the idea. It seems you lived in the wrong time period, Adolescent. You have scrupples! Good for you. I think I can see between the lines quite well, and I will study it closer; it is not vague, really at all.

Thanks Janine. It wasn't vague?? Oh well I tried. :)

Janine
01-24-2007, 03:50 PM
Thanks Janine. It wasn't vague?? Oh well I tried. :)

I have to study this one a bit. I will let you know if I think it vague. Vague may be ok, or universal or obscure....I may be the one that is vague reading it. I have read many poems on this site I thought were pretty vague. In that case usually the person reading it makes up his own personal interpretation, don't you think?

Janine
01-24-2007, 04:00 PM
Thanks Janine. It wasn't vague?? Oh well I tried. :)

I made a comment before this; since then I read your poem again. I think it is about women's rights, and all the movement gained; then to evenutally lose that in some way, by the fact that now they have reverted back to being the object of men's chauvenistic ways, when you said:


they strut about with scarce attire,
permit themselves to be slapped and jostled
by what they formerly proved their equal but opposite sex,
why relinquish freedom,

I think the music industry would be only one example of this being true. Society as a whole, at least here in the US is still seeing women in this light and it is rather a pathetic thing. Girls become anorexic to please the mass media and thus become slaves to the whole system of having to be beautiful and thin. This is but one example.

So - is my interpretation of your poem correct or close? If so I do not think it vague at all. But you may have been afraid to say exactly what you meant. I still think it is a good poem. I hope this helps.

Triskele
01-24-2007, 05:36 PM
i like the poem, but i think that perhaps the music industry is too broad of an example to hold anything but a vague generalization. however the poem does hold some truth i think, especially the portion about rights had, then lost, well done teen.

Adolescent09
01-25-2007, 09:20 AM
I made a comment before this; since then I read your poem again. I think it is about women's rights, and all the movement gained; then to evenutally lose that in some way, by the fact that now they have reverted back to being the object of men's chauvenistic ways, when you said:



I think the music industry would be only one example of this being true. Society as a whole, at least here in the US is still seeing women in this light and it is rather a pathetic thing. Girls become anorexic to please the mass media and thus become slaves to the whole system of having to be beautiful and thin. This is but one example.

So - is my interpretation of your poem correct or close? If so I do not think it vague at all. But you may have been afraid to say exactly what you meant. I still think it is a good poem. I hope this helps.

Yes, Janine you nailed it accurately, although my objective with this poem was completely shredded lol.. The problem with my poem is that it is way too controversial..

Triskele
01-25-2007, 12:15 PM
Yes, Janine you nailed it accurately, although my objective with this poem was completely shredded lol.. The problem with my poem is that it is way too controversial..


i disagree, poetry to me at least to me is to put out into the world of words all the things that nobody else dares to say, whether they are hopelessly trivial images of beauty, wonderfully obsessive ideas of love, or painful truths. use your words to make a statement, and that i think you have done. thank you adolescant, well played.

Arania
01-25-2007, 06:42 PM
What became of those dogged and intrepid hearts,
universally considered the lesser sex,
but courageous and defying none the less,
walking hand in hand abreast,
many hearts together,
all beating in one,
hands of steel with signs advocating specific rights,
voting rights, job rights, religious rights,
a people differentiated by their sex,
how blind the world was,
they had had enough,
an epic change, new pupils in empty sockets
they made that change and were respected,
but what has become of it now?
in the music industry, in the "other" industry
blatantly in society,
they strut about with scarce attire,
permit themselves to be slapped and jostled
by what they formerly proved their equal but opposite sex,
why relinquish freedom,
just to please others,
why show yourself in invidious ways,
and consider it normal and conventional,
we need a change once again,
those people of that dogged sex,
cannot arise with hands of steel and signs advocating wants,
for they bring this adversity on themselves.

Indeed.

I think, however, you need to cut out some words. Like "for they bring.." I think you can cut out "for."

Also lines like "they made that change and were respected" and "we need a change once again" seem out of place. Try to take your message and say it in as few words as possible. Write honestly, but keep it to a minimum. Make each word mean something. Here's just an example:

they had had enough,
an epic change, new pupils in empty sockets
they made that change and were respected,

could be:

Enough!
An epic change - new pupils in empty sockets
Glared to win respect.

Like, that's not that good, but it's just an example.

Keep working at it, this is a good poem, but it needs refining. Read and change until you are perfectly satisfied.

~Arania

Janine
01-25-2007, 07:25 PM
Arania, I hate to disagree - but I like the closing line fine with the word "for" to begin it, but that may just be my personal preference. I also like the other lines just fine, but the whole poem may need a bit of refining to make it a great poem and clearer. I think the meaning could be broader to include all of society and their attitudes presently on woman showing off their bodies, as if that is all they are made of. Revising never hurts, but, Adolscent, I would keep the unrevised poem to compare both. Remember, great authors, most always, did revise.

Janine
01-25-2007, 07:34 PM
i disagree, poetry to me at least to me is to put out into the world of words all the things that nobody else dares to say, whether they are hopelessly trivial images of beauty, wonderfully obsessive ideas of love, or painful truths. use your words to make a statement, and that i think you have done. thank you adolescant, well played.

I absolutely agree with Triskele on this one. What is poetry if it be merely pretty, shallow (hollow) words? It is fine to put yourself on the line and actually say something contraversial. You are expressing what you find objectionable in the world today. Nothing at all wrong with that! The best poets have come up against conventions and they won out in being immortal in their poetry. Many many issues have been aired in poetry, and whole worlds have been changed by it or at least attitudes. Your observation is one I have thought of myself many times. Don't be afraid to say what you think, Adolescent, Keep writing and stir things up a bit. You write to please yourself, and that is most important.

Adolescent09
01-25-2007, 09:35 PM
I'm going to write a poem right here right now based on my current mood, in exactly one minute counting from now. Judge it.

Vast lands, empty expanse,
nothing on it, but what it bears is great,
physically nonexistant,
but why this weight, sagging mentality,
why the passing?
nothing's there,
I said it before,
the land is bare,
but it is in me,
cool breeze drifting baron land,
my heart beats,
but I am sick,
normal body temperature,
but my organs are cold stone,
I'm baron as this baron land,
so empty, yet so great.

58 seconds on the dot. Give opinions please

Janine
01-25-2007, 10:21 PM
I'm going to write a poem right here right now based on my current mood, in exactly one minute counting from now. Judge it.

Vast lands, empty expanse,
nothing on it, but what it bears is great,
physically nonexistant,
but why this weight, sagging mentality,
why the passing?
nothing's there,
I said it before,
the land is bare,
but it is in me,
cool breeze drifting baron land,
my heart beats,
but I am sick,
normal body temperature,
but my organs are cold stone,
I'm baron as this baron land,
so empty, yet so great.

58 seconds on the dot. Give opinions please

Now this one I have to think about awhile. Not sure you have to race to write a poem, but I suppose there is some merit in "stream of consciousness" writing. This poem does seem a bit obscure or vague to me. I read it twice, but not entirely sure what you are getting at. Has it been rattling around in your brain and now took form? Just curious, I am.

I hope some others jump in and crit your poem or comment on it.

Adolescent09
01-25-2007, 10:31 PM
I spelt "barron" wrong three times... It's "barren"... It's a vague imagery poem about a big land of nothingness.. but how this nothingness is actually very great because it encumbers me with boredom. Great boredom, should I say... To be frank, it's a poem about boredom It might have been too vague. "nothingness" = "boredom", I'm not sure that I implied this too well. There frozen organs appear to be too sorrowful.

the appletree
01-25-2007, 11:26 PM
I know the sound of silence
It doth ring in my ears,
In my dreams it swells within me,
Yet also in my waking hours
I do adore it’s gentle melody.

It always sweeps above my thoughts
Stilling my heart whene’r it sings
Its’ songs to the lovely earth.
For its’ wind finds every man
When he is singing songs of sadness.

Sweet melodies with no music
Are the songs of silence,
For sorrow is a song
Lonely and melancholy,
A song with no words.

Arania
01-26-2007, 12:40 AM
Janine,

It's perfectly fine if you disagree! :) We would get nowhere if people didn't disagree every now and then. Yes, Adolescent, always keep your first draft.

Janine
01-26-2007, 02:02 AM
Janine,

It's perfectly fine if you disagree! :) We would get nowhere if people didn't disagree every now and then. Yes, Adolescent, always keep your first draft.

Arnaia, Exactly my thoughts, thanks for being understanding about my disagreement. Debate is healthy. :)

Janine
01-26-2007, 02:05 AM
I spelt "barron" wrong three times... It's "barren"... It's a vague imagery poem about a big land of nothingness.. but how this nothingness is actually very great because it encumbers me with boredom. Great boredom, should I say... To be frank, it's a poem about boredom It might have been too vague. "nothingness" = "boredom", I'm not sure that I implied this too well. There frozen organs appear to be too sorrowful.

Adolescent, I think on this one your do need to revise it some. The idea of boredom did not come through to me. Perhaps if you named it "Boredom" that would make it clearer and suggest that being the main meaning. As I said before - revise but always keep the first draft to compare to. The idea is a good one, The "frozen organ" part might suggest it going in a different direction, so maybe you could eliminate that or change it. Hope this helps. J

Janine
01-26-2007, 02:19 AM
I know the sound of silence
It doth ring in my ears,
In my dreams it swells within me,
Yet also in my waking hours
I do adore it’s gentle melody.

It always sweeps above my thoughts
Stilling my heart whene’r it sings
Its’ songs to the lovely earth.
For its’ wind finds every man
When he is singing songs of sadness.

Sweet melodies with no music
Are the songs of silence,
For sorrow is a song
Lonely and melancholy,
A song with no words.

Hi appletree - don't recall seeing you on this thread before. Welcome if you are new. Your poem is lovely. My only questioning would be about the "sound of silence" - since that is the name of the Simon and Garfunkel song - "Sound of Silence". This is such a well-known title and phrase that immediately I thought of it. Sometimes we pick up phrases unconsciously. There is also a classical piece called "song with no words" - you may have heard of it, but that phrase may be broad enough to use. You must have been thinking of music when you wrote this poem, since you mention "song" several times. I suppose it is ok to take these well-known phrases and insert them in your poem, it just takes away some originality - but that is my personal opinion, nothing more. I hope you don't think me too harsh with my criticism or observation. They say "there are no new things under the sun" and all artists repeat sooner or later. Perhaps you could take the silence lines and say them in a different sequence or use other words to convey the idea of silence. Just a thought. If you revise keep the original and then compare.

the appletree
01-26-2007, 06:43 PM
I am the reincarnated Graham Greene

Janine
01-26-2007, 07:44 PM
Yeah, I not sure I get that reference, but I happen to like Graham Greene novels, although I have only perused them and saw the films made from his writing. I love "The Quiet American" - I think that was based on his book. I like his plots.

seasong
01-26-2007, 08:02 PM
I'm definitely with Janine on the Sound of Silence. I love the song and its the first thing that came to mind. If the connotation is intended then go for it though.

I can't sing
or fly.
When I jump off
and the wind bears me up
I always fall.
Alas,
I am not a bird.
to soar away from pain.
I would wing
speedily
away from you.

Janine
01-26-2007, 08:18 PM
Seasong - welcome, I see you joined up in January. What a cool name you have....I love it. I have used "Sealace" before. Read it in a poem. "Seasong" is so lovely and so musical. I imagine waves making music. I love the sea!
Thanks for agreeing with me on the line Sounds of silence...just that we are so indoctrinated with verses of music and bombarded by repetition in the media, I could not help but relate to that S&G line.

Seasong, I like you poem very much - short and simplistic and yet poignant...really lovely. Keep writing. Can't wait to see what you come up with next. I have not posted a poem lately so I had better get thinking.

seasong
01-26-2007, 08:23 PM
Thanks Janine! I will keep writing, wild horses couldn't stop me.

Janine
01-26-2007, 08:30 PM
So glad and remember - have fun; we all do on this site. Nice people here and very encouraging, too.

Adolescent09
01-30-2007, 01:28 PM
What the heck!? Why have the comments and posts on this amazing thread been neutralized!? Shall I reboot this auspicious thread by posting yet another masterful work by the master Adolescent? Lol, just joking. Please give constructive opinions on my latest work :)
It is called; Gardeners of the World and strives to be VERRY vague, but at the same time nice and understanding through repeated readings.

Steps on mossy foundation,
squeeking patterns of mirky delight,
a rat scuttling between icy steps,
blending its scrawny proportion in the night,
milky patterns curving,
where sprouted in soft earth, grow stout petals
a rose, a daisy, a lily bud,
a cactus with acute nettles,
whereupon i feel the flowers,
tangentially on their stems, their heads brush by
like His breath on the open moors,
so soft, so compliant, bending with the ease of my touch,
yet its acute counterpart embeds my skin,
lacerates my hand and soul,
what torn within me,
encumbered with misery,
a bottle of joy uncorked and wrought,
nature is a puzzling place,
with wonderous growths,
of temptations and evils,
caramels and sweets.
we are many gardeners,
our lives and productivity
are on a scale of what we sow.

Janine
01-30-2007, 02:33 PM
What the heck!? Why have the comments and posts on this amazing thread been neutralized!? Shall I reboot this auspicious thread by posting yet another masterful work by the master Adolescent? Lol, just joking. Please give constructive opinions on my latest work :)
It is called; Gardeners of the World and strives to be VERRY vague, but at the same time nice and understanding through repeated readings.

Steps on mossy foundation,
squeeking patterns of mirky delight,
a rat scuttling between icy steps,
blending its scrawny proportion in the night,
milky patterns curving,
where sprouted in soft earth, grow stout petals
a rose, a daisy, a lily bud,
a cactus with acute nettles,
whereupon i feel the flowers,
tangentially on their stems, their heads brush by
like His breath on the open moors,
so soft, so compliant, bending with the ease of my touch,
yet its acute counterpart embeds my skin,
lacerates my hand and soul,
what torn within me,
encumbered with misery,
a bottle of joy uncorked and wrought,
nature is a puzzling place,
with wonderous growths,
of temptations and evils,
caramels and sweets.
we are many gardeners,
our lives and productivity
are on a scale of what we sow.

Very good, Adolescent. Seems you took some time and much thought on this poem. I like it. Here are a few questions. On the line "milky patterns curving," - does this refer to the line prior to it about the rat. I am not sure I get that connection. Can you explain. Later on "His breath - does this refer to God since the H in His is capitalised? Funny, you should mention the moor; last night I watched the "Return of the Native" adaptation and it was filmed on the moors - really awesome scenery!
Another observation is in the beginning when you mention the flowers or the bud sprouting - I somehow get an image of this being in a city between blocks of cement or stone - probably since you start out with the fountain. Am I wrong? Anyway, I feel the cactus is out of place with the other flowers, but maybe they are all just symbolic such as opposites (?) - the cactus pricks while the other flowers are lovely and relate to the sweets. Not sure this impression is correct either, on my part. The last lines impart a nice message. It is said a little tritely perhaps, but still good and very nicely written.
I like the poem as a whole and think clarifying could be achieved with a little adjustment perhaps. "master Adolescent" - How's that for an impartial critique? :D

Adolescent09
01-30-2007, 07:10 PM
That was a great critique Janine, informative and addresses the correct matters of high ambiguity. The main gist of this poem is for the reader to formulate his/her own thoughts on the theme. For instance, your example of that show you saw recently in allusion to the "moor" part of my poem makes you sort of draw a vague image of what you saw on the show. The "milky patterns" part of the poem is perhaps the vaguest line of all. I was concentrating on summarising the atmosphere of my poetic setting in just six syllables. Perhaps it is for this reason that you have second thoughts of its meaning. By "Milky patterns" I meant the light from the moon shining on an open land but it is is far too general a description to make the reader conscious of the fact that it pertains to the night/sky/atmosphere/stars. For all you know it could be a garden of white flowers! The cactus, I will acknowledge, is a bit erroneous with the rest of the setting. The poem does have a city-like atmosphere and this is a mistake because I was focusing on my poem being more like a "baren", empty wasteland. About the relation of God with my capitalized "H" in the line with "breath", yes I was alluding to Providence.

Thanks a lot Janine for your not so impartial critique! I had a hunch you would be the first to reply ;)

Janine
01-30-2007, 10:40 PM
The "milky patterns" part of the poem is perhaps the vaguest line of all. I was concentrating on summarising the atmosphere of my poetic setting in just six syllables. Perhaps it is for this reason that you have second thoughts of its meaning. By "Milky patterns" I meant the light from the moon shining on an open land but it is is far too general a description to make the reader conscious of the fact that it pertains to the night/sky/atmosphere/stars. For all you know it could be a garden of white flowers!


Could you insert (add) a few lines to clarify this image or whatever image you are thinking of? Just a suggestion to make it more distinct. Images are important to me, being an visual person and an artist. I relate to the solid image. I could see pavement, with bits of nature springing up between the cracks, but I could not perceive an image for the "milky patterns"; the moon casting them would be excellent.



The cactus, I will acknowledge, is a bit erroneous with the rest of the setting. The poem does have a city-like atmosphere and this is a mistake because I was focusing on my poem being more like a "baren", empty wasteland. About the relation of God with my capitalized "H" in the line with "breath", yes I was alluding to Providence.
Thanks a lot Janine for your not so impartial critique! I had a hunch you would be the first to reply ;)

There again, something to emphasize the idea of "city", being the setting, would be good. I think from reading some of your other posts, I gathered you lived in the city and that is part of what lead me to think that, but most people reading your poem might not get that idea. True that fountains usually are in cities, so that also helped me think this way, but that is not necessarily true either.

Glad you are happy with my critique this time. I always try to be honest and at the same time encourage - this is important, too, as I said before. Yes, I should get a life, right? I check in on this site too often to see what has developed. Keep writing, as I am enjoying your poetry very much.

The not so impartial critic. Janine

Triskele
01-31-2007, 11:37 AM
God?

Who dares disturb the eternal question?
With infernal nattering of thought
Barbarian hordes and African gourds
Sound the hollow echo, of God
Drums in the mountains, on the plains
In the passes, and on the free range
The soft echoes of religion bring
Deadly sounds of a believers faith
Complete and utter denial of life
The possibility of life without eternity
Drive the Godly, the divine, to war
But ye dare not to question
The intellectual atheists disdain
Of an existentialist’s existence
In a world without hope
Beliefs in thought, rather than of hope
Drives love from without
Away from within
The love within religion
And of gods chosen sect
Brings out the hate in all others
Save the agnostic kin
Who doubt both parties equally
And live on the knifes edge
Just daring one to tip them
From this sharpened perch

here ya go, my thoughts were a bit on other threads for a while but i am back now, and though a bit rusty, eager to write.

Pendragon
01-31-2007, 12:05 PM
Tris, the poem flows well and is well written. I would only ask about your target audience. Whom are you trying to reach? The subject matter is one that could be termed "inflammatory". But the poem stands as well written, well metered, and reads fine. Just know your audience.

Castle Death

Out in the woods so dark and deep,
upon a grayish, granite tor,
where the setting sun goes to sleep

there stands a castle, with moat and keep.
Inside lives One whose name is lost forevermore—
out in the woods so dark and deep.

The castle is filled with scaly things that creep
around in eerie silence among the shadows on the floor,
where the setting sun goes to sleep.

The silence is unbearable. Not a single peep
of sound escapes the thousands of throats that implore,
out in the woods so dark and deep.

HE keeps watch. For HE needs no sleep,
burning eyes watching for souls to cross the forbidden moor
where the setting sun goes to sleep.

Should you wander there once, your wanders will never cease—
around and around in the dust upon the castle floor
out in the woods so dark and deep,
where the setting sun goes to sleep…

Triskele
01-31-2007, 01:06 PM
i realize that it could perhaps be construed as inflammatory, but i think that the target audience was more of the community of agnostics, or peope that are sick of inane religious wars, the idea just spawned from a religious texts discussion labeled "god?" that i have been talking on for the last few days, a thouroughly fascinating discussion with all sides well and fairly represented

seasong
01-31-2007, 01:20 PM
She used to hum
over the dishes as
she stroked them dry,

and sing softly
over her cooking as
she stirred perfection,

but you stopped
coming home on time
and slowly

The singing stopped.
The humming faltered.
And tears replaced the smile.

Adolescent09
01-31-2007, 05:01 PM
I liked that seasong.

Janine
01-31-2007, 05:31 PM
Seasong, I love it!......write more....

Triskele
01-31-2007, 08:43 PM
Urbane

Summertime, is it easy, waves of distortion rise, the night blind child of a blood stained street, denizen of city squares in a checkerboard world, drive the grey pawns to oblivion in these binary times. No hands to spare for loopholes, no gold to spare from chained spare change. Coins withheld from the blind in rags spent on honeyed tones. Glowing broad vocals of a former pavement child sparkling with borrowed finery. Curious that those who would walk over that gravel toned bluesman and his grinding brass band applaud the glitter stained songbird singing the same dirty old songs.

perhaps a bit political, but barring that, i would like some input on the imagery, some suggestions perhaps on ways to improve it, you see, i like it, but it just doesn't seem... "polished"

Adolescent09
02-01-2007, 08:53 AM
Who dares disturb the eternal question?
With infernal nattering of thought
Barbarian hordes and African gourds
Sound the hollow echo, of God
Drums in the mountains, on the plains
In the passes, and on the free range
The soft echoes of religion bring
Deadly sounds of a believers faith
Complete and utter denial of life
The possibility of life without eternity
Drive the Godly, the divine, to war
But ye dare not to question
The intellectual atheists disdain
Of an existentialist’s existence
In a world without hope
Beliefs in thought, rather than of hope
Drives love from without
Away from within
The love within religion
And of gods chosen sect
Brings out the hate in all others
Save the agnostic kin
Who doubt both parties equally
And live on the knifes edge
Just daring one to tip them
From this sharpened perch

I trully admire your poem Triskele and singular use of words but I can't help thinking that the last verse maybe cut off too sharply.
"And live on the knifes edge
Just daring one to tip them
From this sharpened perch"
The line "From this sharpened perch" sounds great but I can't help feeling that it hangs in the air. It's funny because I liked reading your poem so much that by the time I was finished, I found my self wanting to read more but that was the end... Your poem was fantastic though; thank you for sharing it trisk.

Adolescent09
02-01-2007, 08:55 AM
I on the other hand am getting worse and worse at poetry. I believe I am pushing my self to far in vain attempts to produce good works. I am not putting the thought and controversial perception into my poems the way I once did. Here is something I've written though as a warmup. Any comments or thoughts would be appreciated.

20th poem------ "The Cellular Age"-----(8)
A tete ā tēte we had, close and near,
not too long ago,
You divulged it in a whisper, so soft,
so serene, brushing my ear,
like a shell's sonorous ocean,
On opposite sides of a table of provisions,
On rainbow swings at a park,
On a bench made only for two,
such memorable times between us,
have been terminated by invention,
I can still hear your voice's soft sweetness,
Through waves that dangle in the air,
hit satellites in the sky,
but do not carry my thoughts to you,
the discussion is blank,
swings in a park seem pale and bourgeois,
with many children, not you and I,
A bench for two,
is now a seat for many,
as I stand here with a three inch device,
plastered in my ear,
and muse of olden days,
when it was you, not it, near to me.

Pendragon
02-01-2007, 10:57 AM
I couldn't find any real fault with the poem, Trisk, except perhaps it needs to say more? Or maybe less? I confess I am not sure. It sounds fine, yet I agree with you that something is missing, but I can't put my finger on it. I really would go with it needs to say more, I think. It is unfinished.

Adolescent: You are beating yourself up needlessly. That poem was nice and even touching. You are not getting worse, that's for certain! I think you may have fallen into the trap of trying too hard.

Now: Would someone please critique the villanelle I posted, please? Thank you. And be honest, I've been told off by razor tongued magazine editors before and have a LOT of rejection slips, far more than the published poems! :)

seasong
02-01-2007, 12:12 PM
I remember most of the villanelle format, but is there a set number of stanzas? If not, I think you could consolidate the poem a bit, it isn't easy to read because it seems to say the same things repetitively, which I know is one of the purposes of the villanelle, but by cutting down I think it will give more meaning and potency to the poem. Am I making sense? I'm not doing a very good job of saying this, sorry.
It's amazing though. Villanelles are incredibly difficult to write and I'm really impressed.

Adolescent09
02-01-2007, 12:32 PM
Your poem is absolutely magnificent Pendragon. I'd have to disagree with seasong's thoughts of it being obscure in meaning through repetition. ALTHOUGH some parts seem a bit out of place like the capital "he", all attributes of your poems are easily identifiable. "He" must be a sort of watchman, keep guard over the castle. The castle out in the woods instantly brings up images of a smaller version of Tolkein's Two Towers (which I just recently finished reading for the umpteenth time) and the setting sun can be related to anything. It just appears so deathly but beautiful. Your poetry conveys a very mature sense which is purely nonexistent with beginning poets (such as myself and others) so I can tell you have been doing this for years. What a great poem though.... I really loved it.

Triskele
02-01-2007, 01:46 PM
Who dares disturb the eternal question?
With infernal nattering of thought
Barbarian hordes and African gourds
Sound the hollow echo, of God
Drums in the mountains, on the plains
In the passes, and on the free range
The soft echoes of religion bring
Deadly sounds of a believers faith
Complete and utter denial of life
The possibility of life without eternity
Drive the Godly, the divine, to war
But ye dare not to question
The intellectual atheists disdain
Of an existentialist’s existence
In a world without hope
Beliefs in thought, rather than of hope
Drives love from without
Away from within
The love within religion
And of gods chosen sect
Brings out the hate in all others
Save the agnostic kin
Who doubt both parties equally
And live on the knifes edge
Just daring one to tip them
From this sharpened perch

I trully admire your poem Triskele and singular use of words but I can't help thinking that the last verse maybe cut off too sharply.
"And live on the knifes edge
Just daring one to tip them
From this sharpened perch"
The line "From this sharpened perch" sounds great but I can't help feeling that it hangs in the air. It's funny because I liked reading your poem so much that by the time I was finished, I found my self wanting to read more but that was the end... Your poem was fantastic though; thank you for sharing it trisk.

you know, i think you are right, perhaps a line or two added at the end with the fial syllable being a soft ending instead of the abrupt stop that this poem has, thanks for the input, i did not see that.

Triskele
02-01-2007, 01:50 PM
Tris, the poem flows well and is well written. I would only ask about your target audience. Whom are you trying to reach? The subject matter is one that could be termed "inflammatory". But the poem stands as well written, well metered, and reads fine. Just know your audience.

Castle Death

Out in the woods so dark and deep,
upon a grayish, granite tor,
where the setting sun goes to sleep

there stands a castle, with moat and keep.
Inside lives One whose name is lost forevermore—
out in the woods so dark and deep.

The castle is filled with scaly things that creep
around in eerie silence among the shadows on the floor,
where the setting sun goes to sleep.

The silence is unbearable. Not a single peep
of sound escapes the thousands of throats that implore,
out in the woods so dark and deep.

HE keeps watch. For HE needs no sleep,
burning eyes watching for souls to cross the forbidden moor
where the setting sun goes to sleep.

Should you wander there once, your wanders will never cease—
around and around in the dust upon the castle floor
out in the woods so dark and deep,
where the setting sun goes to sleep…


ooh... not really creepy, but with the repetition of lines it makes your poem edgily upsetting, almost like a good seventies horror flick

Pendragon
02-02-2007, 12:04 PM
I remember most of the villanelle format, but is there a set number of stanzas? Yes. There should be 19 lines, four of which are the closing quatrain. So that leaves 5 three line stanzas. The first and third lines repeat throughout the poem. They are a challenge to write, but I love them, and they have been kind to me, as some of my published poetry have been villanelles.

I also love Sestinas:

Self-Portrait

Charcoal pencil is used to sketch the outlines
Of the points of central focus in the painting
I am designing. The pencil moves quickly, creating shadows.
I leave the paper white in areas I intend to highlight
As the work progresses. Slowly, surely the picture gains definition.
I love abstract surrealism! It makes the viewer decide.

Blush is best for the first gentle wash, before I decide
More fully on the colors that I will need to outline
The image. Painting is like photography in resolution and definition.
The correct color choices and technique—and is it a painting—
Or a photograph? The shading and the highlights
Must, of course, be perfect: Not too bright and yet not too much shadow…

A medium grey is what I almost always choose for shadows—
The world itself is far too dark. One must decide
On a method of proceeding from shadow to highlights:
Back light? Front? Side? Diffused? This will determine what part of the outline
To darken, and what part to leave alone. Each and every painting
Must have something that catches the eye, a defining

Characteristic of its own. In color, some art seems to defy definition.
Perhaps it would be better rendered in black and white, to focus on shadow.
But one artist should never criticize another’s paintings.
What we disguise as “criticism” is truthfully and decidedly
Merely professional jealousy! Ah, the painting has begun to emerge from the outline.
It is a self-portrait in shadows! Now for the highlighting!

Banana-cream is a color I like to use for the purpose of highlights.
It mixes well with the shading, and brings forth real definition!
The places I left white in the charcoal outline
Become gloriously shiny; the others softly fade into shadows.
There are not quite enough shaded areas, I decide.
I pick up another brush and turn back to the painting.

My pallet is a rainbow of colors, though few are required fir this painting.
Grey, white, blush, sepia, blue, and of course banana-cream for highlights.
That’s about it. The eyes of my portrait stare at me as I decide
Whether or not they need to be a bit more clearly defined.
No. They are sad blue-grey orbs, surrounded by dark shadows.
But the face in the painting is mine, ever outline.

Self-portrait. By definition, then, the man in the painting
Is me. A pale, sad face outlined by very heavy shadows.
Perhaps, I decide, turning back one more time, just a little more highlighting…

© 12/11/97 D L Harris
Published Online at The Lost Library of Alexandria, now defunt

Janine
02-02-2007, 10:28 PM
Penn, who is Sestina? I love this poem - so artist - I can fully relate.

Hi everyone,
Today I revised this poem, that I wrote same time as the other one "Frozen Summer". See what you think? Broken hearts can write better, I think. Not sure if this one is as good as my last. It needed revision, I felt. I dug it out of my computer file and reworked it, today. Let me know what you think? I posted it in "Recent Poem" thread, also.

no grave to mourn

if there was an earthly grave
I would be better off;
a place to commune with you,
and a stone bench
and birds that sing in the sunset,
light - luminous light -
that filters through the trees
spreading shadowed sympathy
upon this grief of mine.

here I would remember
you in peace -
think how your life
so softly touched my life.
I would sit all day;
patiently, cry and mourn
the loss of you.

But you are only gone
and that is
nowhere for me,
nothing for me.
tears fall,
breaking hope's rays.
now when I lest expect tears
they come,
But there is no release.

I cry, silently,
trapped within
my empty heart
where rain falls, and
flowers no longer thrive
The garden is barren;
branches bear thorns that
pierce as deep as my soul

I cry out loud,
but no one hears
because the cry is silence
This hollow sound echoes in me

alone

Pendragon
02-03-2007, 10:49 AM
Lovely and moving poem, Janie!

Sestina is the poem form. It is 39 lines, six stanzas of six lines each, with a three line envoy. The trick is repeating end-words in a set pattern.

Thus:

A—F—C—E—D—B
B—A—F—C—E—D
C—E—D—B—A—F
D—B—A—F—C—E
E—D—B—A—F—C
F—C—E—D—B—A

(Read columns down) The envoy contains all six words, two to a line in any order. You notice that by following the pattern, your six stanzas begin and end on the same end-word. Any form of the end-word is usuable, as long as the end-word is not changed. Challanging, but fun. ;)

TheKnife
02-03-2007, 07:02 PM
Hi everyone. Here's a couple.

after
the storm
still
water drops
fall
from tree branches


sunset-
the day's half smoked cigarettes
at the bus stop

seasong
02-03-2007, 07:28 PM
Pendragon - I love the Sestinas! It's beautiful.

Janine - no grave to mourn is exquisite, it resonates.

Triskele
02-03-2007, 07:50 PM
Hi everyone. Here's a couple.

after
the storm
still
water drops
fall
from tree branches


sunset-
the day's half smoked cigarettes
at the bus stop


simple, yet it conveys so much, well played my friend

Janine
02-03-2007, 09:16 PM
Thanks Penn and Seasong. I really appreciate your comments. Revising the original poem yesterday helped it greatly. I imagine I have picked up some skills here at Lit Net to help improve. The original poem was written 3yrs ago. Heartache always makes for good poetry.

Interesting about the Sestina. I have a book on poetry form and will have to look that one up. I had never heard of it before.
Thanks - Penn, for explaining it to me. My poem was just a freeform. I don't think I am good enough to attempt a Sestina yet.
The Knife - Hi, see you just joined up. Glad to have you onboard. Lit Net is so much fun and everyone is so nice and helpful. I liked your 2 small poems very much - they are intersesting imagery, and as Tristelle pointed out - say much with simplicity. I like that sort of thing myself. Some of our most beloved poets have used simplicity to say eons. Look at one I posted by Carl Sandburg on Fog. Emily Dickenson wrote with simplicity and her poems lasted the test of time. Keep writing - will be anxious to see the result. You might try "Shared Haiku", also. We have a lot of fun in that thread and it is easy and a good learning tool.

PS: Seasong - so interesting you picked this for your user name. I am Sealace in some of my other sites. Also, Sealacemoon in one IM, since Sealace was taken. Sealace is from an e.e. cummings poem. Is Seasong from a poem or did you make it up? I like the name very much.

seasong
02-03-2007, 09:22 PM
I just made it up. I'm from the east coast and miss the ocean rather badly since I'm currently in the midwest for college, but I'm glad you like it.

Janine
02-03-2007, 11:10 PM
Seasong, I love the ocean, too, and am on the east coast. Saw the ocean on west coast and fell in love with the sunsets and the fabulous surf and rocky coastlines, etc. Washington state has the greatest sea-stacks; did you ever see photos of them or see them? In the summer hope you can view your beloved ocean again. Spring is just around the corner. Think spring!

seasong
02-03-2007, 11:44 PM
It's hard to think forward to it in the middle of midterms but I sincerely hope to be back there this summer. I've never actually seen any of the Washington sea stacks. My Pacific ocean experiences is limited to California. It would be lovely to go to the beach again... hopefully in a few months :D!

Janine
02-04-2007, 12:33 AM
Seasong - oh you are a beach bum! I love the beach, too, but have not actually been down to the shore since two years now. I miss it so. I am only about 60 miles away - an hour and 1/2 - the Jersey shore. I have to get down there this year for certain. Ca beach line is magnificent! Our beaches here are the best to actually swim and lounge on.

Triskele
02-05-2007, 11:22 AM
Seasong - oh you are a beach bum! I love the beach, too, but have not actually been down to the shore since two years now. I miss it so. I am only about 60 miles away - an hour and 1/2 - the Jersey shore. I have to get down there this year for certain. Ca beach line is magnificent! Our beaches here are the best to actually swim and lounge on.


it is here that i must disagree, the salty relaxed air of the oregon coast does tend to lend it a recalitrancy that no other coastline has, maybe its just that oregon is perhaps just the greatest state...ever. not to dis on WA thought, love their coastline too, maybe because it is similar to our own, just with less of those lovely liberal portlanders. :)

Janine
02-05-2007, 05:40 PM
Tristelle, I am totally in agreement with you and I am jealous. I have heard about Oregon's coastline and heard it is the best, most beautiful. Of course I have seen countless photos. I just meant for swimming, actual swimming. Isn't the water up that way too cold to swim in? I know Northern CA was cold in the water when I was there and you are futher north yet. For atmosphere and beauty you are absolutely right. However, I did very much like the Olympic Penninsula and went to Rialto Beach, where dramatic sea stacks make one want to write poetry. Does Oregon have the stacks, too? Just curious. Lucky you to live there!

Adolescent09
02-05-2007, 09:36 PM
My dreams ran high
on sheets of glory amounting
to the sky,

on golden sparrow wings,
through lands of immaculate views,
in honey nestles of daytime springs,
in soft spoken words told only to you,

but on that carpet, on that wing,
wisked through views of spring
it crashed upon a bark so thick,
and drowned within a pond so deep,

the way dreams change,
so unprecedented, so swift,
made fresh then killed,
anew again,
only to repeat the cycle once more.

Adolescent09
02-05-2007, 09:37 PM
..........

Pendragon
02-06-2007, 02:40 PM
That's pretty 'Dole, but there's this. OK. You start with three lines, rhyming. Then a quadtrain with the same basic rhyme. Then a diffrent rhyme. Then free verse for the end. It really should all match, and I couldn't say which way to go. All of it is good. I might use each piece for the beginning and write a poem to go with each one. Just a thought. Oh, and if you object to being called 'Dole, just tell me. I'm bad for sticking people with nicknames. ;)

Adolescent09
02-06-2007, 03:59 PM
Lol. I don't mind. Thanks Pendragon, you're very right.

dyingflame
02-06-2007, 04:09 PM
The Fifth Season



She loved the leaf’s first binding brown-

bursting buds to raise new blooms,

casting blood-clotted nets to span

an entire autumn-generated affair.

(Reflections cast with iron gilded soundings)

Yes, the brackets hold “my heart.”



Smooth withered ash rouses slumber-winds,

Throws around the old strewn trash land-

Fells her own trees in giant hollow wood mounds.



Drip, dew- remind us that dying hanged is to love,

to hold the bending branch and smile at tears

in gnarled, young hands whose fingers curl

To clasp the ever-growing strains, laughing.



And then winter holds the summer’s waist, casts

Around the ultimate excuse of rusted alien

Wheel spokes: the old nation lies, jealousy refined-



Where voids reside as truths and hope is happy-

there carpets blanket the soil in hypothermic thermoforms

(Letters strung together by specific instructions that

had the leaves to catch synthesised greens

but leave no sense excepting sleep impressions.)



One observes the bloom’s blood crimson

A thorn’s gentle kiss on sallow cheeks of white,

Where nights cut at cloths that know no spite-

Now in smiling sculptures loaded down.

poppet
02-06-2007, 06:37 PM
Hey all. This is my first poem on here. Be gentle please!

Bit angry for me this one (!) and nowhere near as eloquent as some other works here. In a way I suppose thats kind of the idea.... but see what you think anyway!

Disney screwed me over
Like the guy who called me fat
Made me believe in whats not there
You ****ing Cheshire Cat

Prince Charming, he found rock and roll
Football beer and testosterone
Every little girls dream is a nightmare
That haunts women today

Westlife lied to me as well
Shouldn't be surprised
Telling how they love her so
in a way I now despise

Beauty loved her Beast long-time
But he turned to a cliche
Accepting whats the honest truth
Is hard to do today

Men are bastards, men are ****s
Thanks to publicity stunts
I can't love you as you are
'cause you don't have a horse you have a car.

And if they can't do anything right
Does that make them wrong?

Pendragon
02-07-2007, 11:16 AM
Hey all. This is my first poem on here. Be gentle please!

Bit angry for me this one (!) and nowhere near as eloquent as some other works here. In a way I suppose thats kind of the idea.... but see what you think anyway!

Disney screwed me over
Like the guy who called me fat
Made me believe in whats not there
You ****ing Cheshire Cat

Prince Charming, he found rock and roll
Football beer and testosterone
Every little girls dream is a nightmare
That haunts women today

Westlife lied to me as well
Shouldn't be surprised
Telling how they love her so
in a way I now despise

Beauty loved her Beast long-time
But he turned to a cliche
Accepting whats the honest truth
Is hard to do today

Men are bastards, men are ****s
Thanks to publicity stunts
I can't love you as you are
'cause you don't have a horse you have a car.

And if they can't do anything right
Does that make them wrong?'ello, Poppet! Not 'alf bad, not at all. Hey, I'll quit with the accent, you want the serious criticism. Two things-- less language and work on the rhyme. Language should be avoided in poetry unless used for "shock value", and I don't think this poem needs it. The rhyme is fine except where I've marked it. Good luck! Pen :thumbs_up :)

Janine
02-07-2007, 01:47 PM
poppet. Hi, welcome to the forum.
I agree - I find the language in your poem offensive and obviously the moderators did as well, since they censored it several places. It really does not enhance your poem at all. I winched when I read those parts. The poem is well written, but a little too angry for my tastes. I imagine you are getting your point across about sterotypes and the image of the knight in shining armor and trying to live up to those unreal expectations, correct? This poem is awfully bitter though. Can you get your point across without all the hatred and bitterness? Is the bitterness directed at men in general? I was confused about this point.

Triskele
02-08-2007, 12:15 AM
Tristelle, I am totally in agreement with you and I am jealous. I have heard about Oregon's coastline and heard it is the best, most beautiful. Of course I have seen countless photos. I just meant for swimming, actual swimming. Isn't the water up that way too cold to swim in? I know Northern CA was cold in the water when I was there and you are futher north yet. For atmosphere and beauty you are absolutely right. However, I did very much like the Olympic Penninsula and went to Rialto Beach, where dramatic sea stacks make one want to write poetry. Does Oregon have the stacks, too? Just curious. Lucky you to live there!

true, the water is waaay to cold to swim in, but for natural poetic scenery, its one of the best places, yeah, there are excellent sea stacks, in fact there is a great one by my beach house in cannon beach, if you want a cool picture, google "haystack rock". maybe i am projecting my personal preferences a bit, but i think it is way cool, check it out for yourself though

Triskele
02-08-2007, 12:19 AM
poppet. Hi, welcome to the forum.
I agree - I find the language in your poem offensive and obviously the moderators did as well, since they censored it several places. It really does not enhance your poem at all. I winched when I read those parts. The poem is well written, but a little too angry for my tastes. I imagine you are getting your point across about sterotypes and the image of the knight in shining armor and trying to live up to those unreal expectations, correct? This poem is awfully bitter though. Can you get your point across without all the hatred and bitterness? Is the bitterness directed at men in general? I was confused about this point.

i am in agreance, it is an interesting piece, and i think it has within it a good message about broken dreams, but the profanity, hate, and the general one sidedness of it really turned me, off, maybe if you had a more wistful tone as to the loss of childhood dreams, with a bitter aftertaste, then your message would be better contained, as is, i say scrap it or give it some serious time.

Janine
02-08-2007, 01:39 AM
true, the water is waaay to cold to swim in, but for natural poetic scenery, its one of the best places, yeah, there are excellent sea stacks, in fact there is a great one by my beach house in cannon beach, if you want a cool picture, google "haystack rock". maybe i am projecting my personal preferences a bit, but i think it is way cool, check it out for yourself though

That's ok, we can speak a little on here, between poetry posts, etc. I just looked at Cannon beach - it is amazing and soooo beautiful. Lucky lucky you living near there! And those West Coast sunsets are to die for. I am so jealous. Those photos are wonderful...love that site. The sea stack really does look just like a haystack - how strange and interesting it is. It reminds me of Morro Rock, but smaller (may have spelled that wrong) in S.CA. I just found this site on Rialto Beach on the Olympic Peninsula: http://www.nwexposures.org/publishImages/olypen2~~element45B.jpg
If you ever get a chance to go up there go - you will love it. By the way, I do love mostly "poetic scenery", so I could easily give up the ocean swim to see such natural beauty.

Triskele, thanks for your critique on Poppet's poem. You worded that really well. Poppet, don't get discouraged, but just use discretion next time.

Pendragon
02-08-2007, 10:51 AM
This is probably the darkest piece I ever wrote. Feel free to critique. If I cannot take it, I should not give it, correct?


HE DOESN’T NEED YOU NOW

You never had the time for him,
This child of your desire.
There were always so many things you felt were so much more important.
He tried in so many ways to tell you of the longing he felt,
But his pleas fell upon deaf ears.
Finally, he became so desperate for your attention,
He felt he had no choice,
And the sharp bark of a gun rent the summer night.
At his funeral, you shed a gallon of tears,
Sobbed about your loss,
And now you haunt his gravestone,
Though you were seldom in his room.
Your job suffers,
You lose so much sleep,
You long to hold him close—
All noble things:
But he doesn’t need you now…

D.L. Harris
© 1995

Janine
02-09-2007, 01:58 AM
Penn, Dark but not at all unrealistic. In today's world this alienation is very prominent. People don't have time for each other including family members. It is a good poem, Penn, and more simply stated than many I have read from you before. It really hits home though and I especially like your closing line....excellent! The poem is not angry, but is filled with remorse and is quite sad. It is fine to be "dark", so much poetry is afterall, but it is more desirable to stay with the decretion of good taste, which you have done. You indicated the death and suicide subtly and yet one knew immediately what you were talking about, without having to shock in a crude or graphic manner. Good to leave that to the reader's own imagination. If I were to change one thing, it would be the line ending in "fell upon deaf ears", only because it sounded so familiar to me and trite, maybe, unless you intended it to be so, as a reference to that often used phrase. Also, I see you wrote this in 1995, so I would not alter it. If you change anything just make a second version. Penn, I really liked your poem very much. I liked the way it flowed and the emotion in it. It found it really touching.

seasong
02-09-2007, 12:09 PM
There were always so many things you felt were so much more important.
He tried in so many ways to tell you of the longing he felt,


I think "so much" is extraneous, all the lines are relatively short except for that one and you don't really need those words so it might flow better without them. Just a thought :D.

I like it, it's honest.

Pendragon
02-09-2007, 01:18 PM
Janie, Seasong, thank you for your kind words. You are both correct in the things you pointed out, Janie "fell on deaf ears" is an over-used phraze, but as you say, I wrote this back in 1995, and my poem career was just taking off. I might say "his words echoed in a vaccum" now, or something to that effect. Seasong, yes the line is not only too long, but I have used the word "so" three times in those two lines! I might revise that if I were writing the poem now to:

"You considered everything else of more importance,
Never seeing the blinking red lights he sent you."

Just a thought. Thank you. :thumbs_up :)

poppet
02-09-2007, 02:33 PM
Sorry its a bit of a delayed response but thanks for response

To clarify the poem wasnt supposed to be an assault on men, or indeed technically perfect in terms of rhyming etc (thanks for pointing these out though!) and yes the swearings probably quite harsh

But...

I wrote it thinking about how the world paints a picture of the way your life should be and how it never really turns out that way. How many people here can claim they are currently living the life they thought they would be when they were 8 years old?
The main area this focuses on is how men are portrayed as being the knight in shining armour coming in to sweep you off your feet and treat you like...well a princess! I wanted to point out how it is somewhat unfair to criticise any man who didnt do this in the obvious way as just because hes not perfect doesnt mean hes unworthy of you. As I have no doubt the vast majority of men in the world would do anything they could for the woman they love!
I realise its a very negative approach but the harshness reflects how harsh and quick to judge people can be (I think!).
I didnt put massive amounts of thought into it to be honest and am more of a songwriter than a poet in many senses. Oh well! Seemed like a good idea at the time!

Cheers for the feedback though - I'll try and be more lady-like next time!! :)
X*X*X

Janine
02-09-2007, 03:02 PM
Poppet, I think your idea is a good one, but I think it needs to be re-worked to achieve what you just wrote in this post. If you actually stated what you are here (in your post) stating about the intentions of your poem, you would have gotten the idea across. Why be so obscure - come out and use this imagery. You could make the poem more one of disillusionism, instead of such blantant anger. Can you see my point?
Also, it was hard to know what the point of the author(yourself) was here, so your poem did not come quite across as a general idea of the masses feeling this way. It came off as you feeling angry about it, the world being looked at this way and it's expectations on individuals. I did get the idea of the stereotyped version or Cinderella/knights in white armor, etc. idea. I got that notion right away. It it true that we all have aspired at one time to unrealistic expectations of the world around us, but eventually, with age and wisdom, one does see the difference quite clearly. But dreams are not to be knocked either - dreaming can spur on great things and can make us sensitive to the world around us, as well. Great novelists and poets have many times been dreamers! I think, in writing this harsh a poem, it went against those sensibilities many of us feel on this site. I think you have good ideas and talent to put them to work effectively, not just for song writing; which, by the way, I consider poetry. Poppet. please keep writing and let us all see what you can come up with.
The thing is, profanity is really frowned at on this site. The moderators are very strict about it and you can get into trouble, repeatedly posting stuff they have to censor. I am telling you this to make you aware, so being lady-like and respectable would be preferable in this case. True that many well-known poets have used profanity, and even fought censorship, but I would not recommend it on this site. It would offend many here. This site is for all races and religions and there are people from all walks of life. Just keep that in mind, if you wish others to read your poetry. Hope this sheds some light on things and you continue to post your poems. Diversity is wonderful and I want to encourage and not discourage you from being poetic.
Have a great day! Janine :)

dyingflame
02-09-2007, 03:54 PM
Hello people, I am relatively new to the forum and new to this thread though I read some poems from the magnificent volume of 13 pages :) well done- the future of poetry, I feel, is here!
Also, can I post my own? I don't want to intrude into the middle (or end) of the thread.

Sincerely Dyingflame

zanna
02-09-2007, 04:44 PM
umm, penn -- it's an oxymoron to say "echoed in a vacuum," (my physics kicking in) but it is a cool phrase. Just wondering if you really wanted that. Kudos on the awesome poem, and putting it out there, for all of us to pick apart. I'm gonna have to post a few, so y'all can critique me for a change. >.< Sorry if I'm ever too critical.

Janine
02-09-2007, 07:21 PM
Hello people, I am relatively new to the forum and new to this thread though I read some poems from the magnificent volume of 13 pages :) well done- the future of poetry, I feel, is here!
Also, can I post my own? I don't want to intrude into the middle (or end) of the thread.

Sincerely Dyingflame

Welcome and definitely post! Happy you read so many of the past 13 pages of poems...thanks! I think few people bother to do that and it is ashame. There is some good stuff in those 13 pages, as you said. DF, do add to this thread anytime you feel like it. :D

Janine
02-09-2007, 07:24 PM
umm, penn -- it's an oxymoron to say "echoed in a vacuum," (my physics kicking in) but it is a cool phrase. Just wondering if you really wanted that. Kudos on the awesome poem, and putting it out there, for all of us to pick apart. I'm gonna have to post a few, so y'all can critique me for a change. >.< Sorry if I'm ever too critical.

Good observation zanna. I hope you can post some of your work soon. I know all will be interested in reading it. You are not being too critical. Everyone on here deserves their opinion. I think your critique of Penn's poem pointed something out and also was quite complimentary and encouraging, not really picking it appart. Penn is honest too and I am sure he will appreciate any comments.

Ledsepp
02-09-2007, 07:38 PM
Hi everybody tell me what you think of this one

m&m's

An odd wrinkled crippled retarded confection
toward the bottom of the bag
His sugar skin more alluring
because of malformation
The Lord demands sacrifice without blemish
but gluttony tolerates no survivor
I gobble him up
Not surprising he tastes sweeter than the others

Pendragon
02-10-2007, 11:04 AM
umm, penn -- it's an oxymoron to say "echoed in a vacuum," (my physics kicking in) but it is a cool phrase. Just wondering if you really wanted that. Kudos on the awesome poem, and putting it out there, for all of us to pick apart. I'm gonna have to post a few, so y'all can critique me for a change. >.< Sorry if I'm ever too critical. Quite OK, Zanna. I stink at Physics anyway, but I know sound doesn't carry well in a vacuum, which was the basis of the line. Here, we all can learn from each other, that is the beauty of this forum and why I love to stay here. No matter if some of us have been writing poetry and stories longer than others have been alive, it doesn't mean that we are the teachers and they the students. No. We are equal here, poets gathered to help each other and sometimes older poets become too sure of ourselves, and we need young blood to point out what we refuse to see! And we can share experience as to what an editor expects, what they will probably trash or take, because we've been there! Never hesitate to point out a shortcoming in my writing! Thank you! :thumbs_up :)

Pendragon
02-10-2007, 11:11 AM
Hi everybody tell me what you think of this one

m&m's

An odd wrinkled crippled retarded confection
toward the bottom of the bag
His sugar skin more alluring
because of malformation
The Lord demands sacrifice without blemish
but gluttony tolerates no survivor
I gobble him up
Not surprising he tastes sweeter than the others


Interesting. I would change the word "retarded" in the first line. That is going to offend people, and doesn't really fit the situation; obviously candy cannot be in any way mentally deficient. "Warped" "Twisted" "Cracked" "Chipped" "Malformed" Something like that would be better, and the poem doesn't loose focus or meaning. Good luck! :thumbs_up :)

seasong
02-10-2007, 09:07 PM
I'm with Pendragon on this one Ledsepp. I read the first line and thought you were writing something offensive, but it wasn't. I adore words because they have so many different levels of meaning and can be interpreted so differently, but they can be weapons so some should be used carefully.

Janine
02-11-2007, 04:09 PM
Ledsepp, In my opinion the first line is too long anyway and you would benefit from dropping the "retarded" word. The idea gets across really well without it - provides the reader with the graphic image you are trying to portray, without negative connotations, when using the word "retarded". You poem flows better without it anyway. I like the idea of the poem - interesting and different.

Pendragon
02-12-2007, 02:05 PM
Thoughts on this one?


REVERSIBLE #2

Continuing limbo, ceasing never
Never go back; go forward: never
Temporary islands, brief intercession
Lasting not. Worthwhile? Barely
Cycle returns, pain follows pain
Doubt and fear are here
Endless sorrow, forever crying
No one listens
Darkness falls fast

Fast falls darkness
Listens no one
Crying forever, sorrow: endless
Here are fear and doubt
Pain follows pain, returns cycle
Barely worthwhile, not lasting
Intercession brief, islands temporary
Never forward go, back: go never
Never ceasing, limbo continuing

DL Harris
© 1996

Janine
02-12-2007, 03:18 PM
Interesting poem, Penn; I like the way you have reversed the words for the second half - takes on a different sort of meaning or feeling, doesn't it? I think the poem is emotional and very focussed. Very cleverly, the poem completes the circle or cycle, which is the main theme here, correct? Being trapped in the emotional circle?
I like this poem very much. Interesting that you wrote this one in 1996. I feel it is one of your best that I have read. It is clearcut and more symplified and relies on the impact of the words and structure or reversal; it is quite unique. Good job, Penn!:thumbs_up

Penn, I really liked your comments to Zanna, this being part of what you said "Here, we all can learn from each other, that is the beauty of this forum and why I love to stay here." Your entire paragraph is so true and I feel the same way about being here. We are all equal and learning from each other....completely true.:)

Ledsepp
02-12-2007, 03:28 PM
Thanks guys, how about this for the first line

A curious, wrinkled confection
toward the bottom of the bag

Janine
02-12-2007, 04:02 PM
Hi Ledsepp,

Here's your old lines -

An odd wrinkled crippled retarded confection
toward the bottom of the bag

New lines -

A curious, wrinkled confection
toward the bottom of the bag

Yes, I like this much better and it flows well - matches the second line lyrically, don't you think? Good idea. The word "curious" is a good one to start the poem off with. It makes one curious to read on. Your first line is now much more inviting.

zwiefka
02-12-2007, 05:05 PM
Hiow do I post a poem? Ignorant in california?

Janine
02-12-2007, 06:24 PM
Hiow do I post a poem? Ignorant in california?

Hi awiefka...wecome to Lit Net Forums!
All you have to do is - post your poem! Everyone is so nice here. It is fun, don't be shy. If you press "Go Advanced" you can better edit your text and also format, etc, and use the menu at the top. Then press Submit and you enter your post.
Hope this is helpful. Shared Haiku is fun, too, and you can get to know more people by their poetry. Hope to read your poems soon. Janine

Pendragon
02-13-2007, 10:17 AM
Thanks guys, how about this for the first line

A curious, wrinkled confection
toward the bottom of the bag
Yes! This line will jump off the page and grab the reader's attention in a very positive way! I think your poem is completed! And a winner! :thumbs_up Very good.

Adolescent09
02-13-2007, 06:21 PM
Here is a sort of test poem.
I'm doing my best to convey stong images through poetry. Here is a small attempt. Its about the several effects of blueness. It can be happy (bright blue skies) it can be angry (crashing blue waves) or it can be sad (cold, blue and dead). Tell me what you think:

Blue

A sketch so white,
streaked with blue,
iotas of dots,
in motleys of shapes and colors,
are many flocks of varied feathers,
above ravaging tempests,
lapping sandy dunes,
blue waves wash on sea shells,
playing catchy tunes,
and in that boat rocked yonder,
lies a corpse so wrinkled and worn,
white and shriveled, withered and blue.

(This poem is also a reflection of the short story called Angler no Longer, I wrote 2 weeks ago and will be posting soon.)

Triskele
02-13-2007, 11:15 PM
Blues

The slow walk of notes wail into a southern night
Escalating forced movement into tired limbs
the joints of an old man fly across broken keys
Notes jangle out, meandering conversation of keys
destined to open the locks of a clanking blue inspiration
The thrum of a beast, low throb based on a deep sea color,
the depth of a fiery music flares to life in grinding chords
Screams of joy emanate from a metallic mouth,
harmonious growls rumble from throats filled with inspiration
eyes flashing with a vision dredged of human sorrow
A fantasy pulled of the all to real human experiences
A steel blue legacy passed on by the scholars of deep thought
philosophers of a theory based on vibration appear from the smoke
Golden honey pours from the mouth of this earthy monster
Passion fed fiery and raw down shattered glass tones
hungry maw of the cobalt beast, down its cerulean throat.

here is a reworking of a poem i wrote earlier, but decided later on that it needed work, it is a bit of a continuation on the theme that you speak of, but talks more to the musical side of BLUEness.

Adolescent09
02-14-2007, 09:20 AM
I thought Blues was the name of thaat music genre; I still like it very much.

Pendragon
02-14-2007, 10:26 AM
Like both poems 'Dole and Trisk.

'Dole: I can see the Blue Jays, the sea, the drowned man all in the poem...

Trisk: Yeah, I would change the name to Blues, as that is the musical genre, but images of Beale Street, Louis Armstrong, B.B. King, and others flow from the poem.

You want color poems? Dark as can be, maybe?



COLORS

Red is the color of the bubbling blood
that flows in scarlet streams from the slashed skin
of my right forearm. Watching it, I laugh.
It gives me a wonderful sense of release
from the pressures of a weary, tormented mind.
Sylvia Plath would recognized the feeling…

Blue is the color of my mood; the color of my feelings—
feelings too often painted in letters of blood;
the scattered ravings of an oppressed mind
encapsulated in a thin veneer of skin;
a caged animal seeking blessed release.
The imagery alone is enough to make one laugh.

Raven-black is the color of the hopeless laugh;
humor that never reaches the eyes, nor expresses the feelings
of the soul; just a pressure-valve, a release
to prevent total madness. The thin trickle of blood
is never a life-threat; the blade barely breaks the skin.
Any therapeutic aid exists solely in the mind.

Grey, it is said, is the color of the mind;
a twisted mess that resembles worms! What a laugh!
We lavish so much time and attention on our skin
and bones to feed worms! Isn’t THAT a creepy feeling!
One red worm crawls down my arm, a worm of blood,
while the worms that will devour my flesh seek release!

Yellow is the color of Light, of release;
the point of enlightenment that takes place in the mind.
The light engulfs my body, my bones, my blood.
Now, there is genuine mirth in the laugh,
an uplifting of the spirit and the feelings.
Energy pulsates all through this prison of skin.

Pale-white is the color of the skin
in which I live. The spirit struggles for release;
an emotional storm explodes in my feelings,
and a tiny voice (my own) whispers in my mind
things that I find so ridiculous that I laugh.
With a small cloth, I easily stop the flow of blood.

Having stopped the blood, I know a new scar will form on my skin.
But I don’t mind. I never have. I laugh.
If you have never experienced the feelings, you wouldn’t understand the release.

D. L. Harris
© 1996




Please feel free to comment. I've probably heard criticism far worse before. :nod:

Liarue
02-14-2007, 11:35 AM
Tickle her kisses off your chin;
Cough up those dusty memories
Thick and discoloured;
O'ersee the skaters scratching their faults thin

Pendragon
02-18-2007, 11:21 AM
Perchance to Dream

Time as we know it is fleeting,
The moments are passing away
I’m getting so tired of chasing my dreams
And falling off of the edge of the world.
People think that because they know your name
They can see inside of your soul.
But they wouldn’t want to view the x-rays
Of the damages the years have burned into my heart…

They wonder why I am often a loner—
Why I stay away from the crowds.
They don’t seem to hear the scream of the silence
They miss all the flags, and the barriers themselves.
Haunted eyes tell a story better than words ever could,
But they don’t dare to look me in the eyes.
Are they afraid of the reflection that they might see?
Would they see an vision of themselves?

The dreams have turned into stark nightmares—
That demonic headless horseman chasing me!
I stumble through mazes that make a labyrinth look easy—
Poe or Lovecraft designed images in a glass darkly.
All I ever want is just to sleep quietly, slumbering sweet
On the soft downy feathers of my old feather pillow
Never a care in the world, angels watching over me—
Tonight I just can’t sleep…

D.L. Harris
© 2/16/07

seasong
02-18-2007, 01:07 PM
I love it, Pen! It's beautifully written. One question, when you say "the reflection that them might see" do you mean they might see? Other wise I loved it especially the line immediately following the one I just quoted. It is very true.

Pendragon
02-19-2007, 01:19 PM
I love it, Pen! It's beautifully written. One question, when you say "the reflection that them might see" do you mean they might see? Other wise I loved it especially the line immediately following the one I just quoted. It is very true.
Yes, I did. :blush: Thanks. I corrected it. That comes of writing too fast and not editing! :)

Asa Adams
02-19-2007, 02:15 PM
Wine lit light

(The light paused by my blue bay window)

It passed with a glance and shouted beauty through the screen-less
Panes.
When winds die, and the heat of day
Beds down,
Light comes to the window to rest its
Weariness
Upon my guests;
Washing them in hues of mellow
Green and
Honey brown.
It continues across the hard
Wooded
Floors, sunlit oak, bathed in light,
Glares past the quivering winded curtains.

Melds of orange, banana, kiwi.
Another cocktail round, and back again to a wine floor,
Aging into dullness. The sun has now crossed the
Tree line and angry spikes molest the floor and burn wildly into the
Paneled wall.
I relish
This
Transparency of
Drunken light; its aerobics sloppy and revealing.

I am devoted to its finish, My guest also remain silent.
I have paid dearly for this finish, (I will never
Leave this
Show.)

‘Looking along the remaining shore, browsing tenderly at its haggard nests of rock, “back from wench it came” we joke aloud.’

Light has gone too far to see.
An addiction now,
Craning my neck
For just a little more.
Lust full!

‘Sinful!’ Another joke around the table.

The wine has flowed too easily

Asa Adams 2007 copyright

Janine
02-20-2007, 11:02 PM
I loved your poem Asa Adams! Lovely and so colorful.

I also liked Penn's poem very much. I loved the ending line. I will try to comment further on both tomorrow....I am a little too tired tonight to think clearly.

Pendragon
02-21-2007, 10:35 AM
I wanted to read your poem a couple more times before comments, Asa. Nice. I like the "wine floor" and how it goes with "The wine has flowed too easily". Very good imagry. :thumbs_up

harshwaves
02-21-2007, 11:21 AM
hello..here's one i would like to share=)

Standing at this junction
i lost my sense of self.
cars and people rushing by
they cross my path
but never did stop to say "hi".

Lost is the weight that balances me
I can't find the answer
to the customary, 'How are you?'
Self-deception would be
if i said, 'fine'
for the truth would shatter my pride.

i'm just a beginner so i really hope to get your opinions =)

Pendragon
02-22-2007, 10:37 AM
hello..here's one i would like to share=)

Standing at this junction
i lost my sense of self.
cars and people rushing by
they cross my path
but never did stop to say "hi".

Lost is the weight that balances me
I can't find the answer
to the customary, 'How are you?'
Self-deception would be
if i said, 'fine'
for the truth would shatter my pride.

i'm just a beginner so i really hope to get your opinions =)

I like it. Simple yet meaningful. Only thing I would change is to leave out the words "for the" in the last line, and end on simply truth would shatter my pride... I can really relate to this poem!

Pen

seasong
02-22-2007, 05:44 PM
I agree with Pen about the last line and second his appreciation of the poem. Good job! :D

Adolescent09
02-23-2007, 12:45 AM
That was a great poem Harshwaves :D

Janine
02-23-2007, 02:17 AM
Harshwaves - this poem is terrific. Very simple and very meaningful. I can relate to it also. Same - I am in agreement about leaving out those few words in last line - not necessary and reads much more effectively. Good closing line. I love the line "Lost is the weight that balances me" - that is brilliant.

Asa Adams
02-23-2007, 02:26 AM
I loved your poem Asa Adams! Lovely and so colorful. Thanks alot Janine!

Asa Adams
02-23-2007, 02:27 AM
I wanted to read your poem a couple more times before comments, Asa. Nice. I like the "wine floor" and how it goes with "The wine has flowed too easily". Very good imagry. :thumbs_up
That means alot my friend! Good to be back and talking to you guys again!
-Asa

Janine
02-23-2007, 03:39 PM
Hi Asa, you are welcome and deserve all good comments on a fine poem. Glad you see you again, too. I wanted to read your poem again and comment more. Time really gets away from me and especially posts/poems on this thread. I am glad it is such an active thread. I also wanted to talk more about Penn's poem. Both impressed me. Keep writing that great poetry!:thumbs_up

Asa Adams
02-24-2007, 02:39 AM
I agree, Penn's poem is nice. You are all wonderful poets! Glad to be among you.
asa

Adolescent09
02-25-2007, 12:26 AM
Fountain (An imagery poem)- The objective of this piece is for the reader to construe it's meaning through creativity since the actual meaning is vague and indirect. (It might appear as several beginnings of different poems, but if you look close enough you'll see it all fits together.)

Darkness the spiraling tide doth bring,
forbodement and adversity
harsh, does the force of nature sting,
hence, this moment to eternity.
Though cracked are heavens, bespeckling skies with rain,
celestial might is never in vain, for
Canaan is where The voice doth call,
in forms both dark and light,
where kingdom evil meets its fall,
and men of good are made His Knight.

Asa Adams
02-25-2007, 12:29 AM
Powerful writing, Adolescent09. Your words strike religious cords.
Asa

harshwaves
03-01-2007, 12:36 PM
wow. thanks guys!(Pendragon, seasong, Adolescent and Janine!) your comments really encouraged me a lot! =)

Pendragon
03-01-2007, 05:11 PM
Fountain (An imagery poem)- The objective of this piece is for the reader to construe it's meaning through creativity since the actual meaning is vague and indirect. (It might appear as several beginnings of different poems, but if you look close enough you'll see it all fits together.)

Darkness the spiraling tide doth bring,
forbodement and adversity
harsh, does the force of nature sting,
hence, this moment to eternity.
Though cracked are heavens, bespeckling skies with rain,
celestial might is never in vain, for
Canaan is where The voice doth call,
in forms both dark and light,
where kingdom evil meets its fall,
and men of good are made His Knight.

Another winner 'Dole! In the third line, however, change "does" to "doth" and in the last line "are" to "art" to match the rest of the poem. Just an idea, I like the archaic language! :thumbs_up

Adolescent09
03-01-2007, 09:11 PM
Here is a revision; I thank you greatly for your thoughts Pendragon :)

Darkness the spiraling tide doth bring,
forbodement and adversity
harsh, doth the force of nature sting,
hence, this moment to eternity.
Though cracked are heavens, bespeckling skies with rain,
celestial might is never in vain, for
Canaan is where The voice doth call,
in forms both dark and light,
where kingdom evil meets its fall,
and men of good art made His Knight.

Pendragon
03-05-2007, 10:11 AM
Love it. 'Dole! That one has a "magic touch"! Very thought-provoking, with images of days gone past. :thumbs_up

Janine
03-09-2007, 05:32 PM
Love it too, Adol, glad I checked this thread. Very nice - one of my favorites so far of yours!

Pendragon
03-11-2007, 10:50 AM
Comin’ Home

Catching a breeze,
Faint whiff of rotten eggs—
In the Country of Denmark
There’s the odor of decay.
Three Card Monté—
Can you find the lady?
Hands are quicker than the eye,
If the game’s already shady.
Who’s tricking whom?
Does anyone ever know?
We grow too complacent—
Just enjoy the show.
The mugging down the alley—
No witnesses to be found.
And that girl was raped and knifed—
Nobody heard a sound.
We’re too busy with our own life,
To be bothered by somebody else:
So just welcome the silence that you meet—
When you need help yourself…

Pendragon
© 3/11/07

http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/helpwanted.jpg

Adolescent09
03-12-2007, 12:03 AM
I admire your ability to present a poetic saga, which at an instant seems so real that the reader can't help but to feel a part of your description. For example: the whiff of eggs, the odor of decay and the "lady" all present witty premonition of an obscure murder, the aspects of which everyone seems either oblivious or apathetic. You show the genuine layer of human indifference which heavily clouds our covert wants for global secular sanction, unity and peace. In simple terms, most humans are genuinely self-satisfied and complacent, only masking themselves otherwise to be outwardly affable and conform to "ideal propriety".

Nice stuff :)

Bluemauvey
03-13-2007, 05:20 AM
The Halfway

I’m at the halfway
I’m shadowed low and twice as long
My head abuts winter Eden
And no foot has printed the forward page, no prophet gained, no turnaround
Breath as blue as the touch paper sky
The launch time of my midday
I’m at the halfway.

© L W Daly 2006

Adolescent09
03-13-2007, 08:40 AM
I don't understand it but it sounds powerful blue. Kind of like this one I wrote:

The blue is a fickle wave sweeping at our minds,
it takes woes and makes them great on the salty tides,
The blue is whitened pixie dust,
on a mile long painting across the sky,
darkening as autumn nears,
and greying as the wind swirls high.

Bluemauvey
03-13-2007, 10:26 AM
I don't understand it but it sounds powerful blue. Kind of like this one I wrote:

The blue is a fickle wave sweeping at our minds,
it takes woes and makes them great on the salty tides,
The blue is whitened pixie dust,
on a mile long painting across the sky,
darkening as autumn nears,
and greying as the wind swirls high.


Hey Ado. Without wanting to get too descriptive re my own piece, I see that we are writing towards a similar theme.

Mine was a moment out walking when the light became metaphor for my own time in life and, although we each have a 'half-way' point in our lives, no matter how long we live, I felt a crystalised moment that could be seen to be my 'halfway'.

I like the use of colour words in your piece, and more so because it doesn't rest on pure imagery by way of the colour references. There's an elemental feel that suggests emotional tides rather than physical ones.

How much do you think the 'pixie' is neccessary in there? I think dust, by itself says much more. Just my thought on it.

L

seasong
03-14-2007, 06:40 PM
The Halfway

I’m at the halfway
I’m shadowed low and twice as long
My head abuts winter Eden
And no foot has printed the forward page, no prophet gained, no turnaround
Breath as blue as the touch paper sky
The launch time of my midday
I’m at the halfway.

© L W Daly 2006

When you say prophet, do you mean profit? It works either way, they just give entirely different meaning to the poem.
It's a neat poem, I like the Eden reference.

Bluemauvey
03-15-2007, 07:06 AM
When you say prophet, do you mean profit? It works either way, they just give entirely different meaning to the poem.
It's a neat poem, I like the Eden reference.

Hey Seasong,

I always liked the double meaning there because it describes perfectly that which I am trying to say. That some may find their riches in religion, whilst others measure their lives by what they've attained materially.

The 'winter Eden' was supposed to convey an optimism; that the halfway point, like the end point need not be what they seem to be. That even in 'winter' things can become as new again. With regard religion I suppose my leanings are paganistic, and this speaks from that position.

I'm very happy that you like the piece, and for the reasons that I hoped it would be liked. Thank you.

junius
03-15-2007, 10:26 AM
Behold; discern; decipher now
this truth, The Thought,
'tis painful how
this search determines naught;
recall
are we supposed
to search at all?

Adolescent09
03-16-2007, 12:22 AM
Behold; discern; decipher now
this truth, The Thought,
'tis painful how
this search determines naught;
recall
are we supposed
to search at all?

A seemingly subtle yet powerful allusion to the way in which aethiests and and non-believers constantly seek scientific and historical facts to find belief in Providence's existence, while at the same time implying that the true believer need never doubt Him. I like it.

Il Penseroso
03-16-2007, 12:26 AM
Or it could be about Lit. Crit., you never know.

Adolescent09
03-16-2007, 12:27 AM
Opulent waiters

In what we seek, the truth is bent,
by the power of stark deceit,
to wear a smile from ear to ear,
fill your glass once too many,
carry out propriety in scrupulous fashion,
for the tip moreso than the check to arrive.

Adolescent09
03-16-2007, 12:30 AM
Or it could be about Lit. Crit., you never know.

It could be about anything. That's the beauty of it. The author can see the poem one way, as you said about lit, while the audience can interperet it in another. Subtle poetry is a very unique and perceptive form of writing.

Pendragon
03-16-2007, 12:17 PM
Requiem

He looks as if he were only sleeping…
The peace upon his face
Belies the violence that ripped asunder
The Spirit and The Flesh
In one blast of scorched air and smoke.

The irony of it all
Is that he never was a decadent wastrel—
No eccentric rich man—
He might have had a hundred dollars,
Never more than that on him at one time.

A simple soul just searching—
Praying, crying sometimes, and desperately hoping
For someone that would return his love—
That could see the man behind masks he wore
To shield himself from people’s misunderstanding cruelty.

They tell me a phone call came last evening,
That got him all emotional and exited;
And he was dressed up best as he could be—
Waiting with anticipation
As the clock ticked down the final minutes.

I wonder how his face lit up,
How he rushed about with final preparations
When he finally heard the knocking:
But I have to sign the guest book at the viewing
Just because poor old Archie answered his door…

Pendragon
© 3/16/07

seasong
03-16-2007, 07:37 PM
The Waters of Shiloah

Water pounds against
my weary shoulders.
It churns around my ankles
I curl around my core,
and witness only
the blinding sun and
my own blinding pain.

Oh dear Father!
My pleas fall on deaf ears.
I am nothing,
I am less than the dust
of the earth, for at least
dirt, mud and filth obey Thee.
I do not.

"The Lord gave
the Lord hath taken away,
blessed be the name of the Lord."
One by one they disappeared:
health
love
pride
talent.
I am left, dry, unable to rise
or move forward.

So I lie here, buoyed
by the rushing water.
Begging Thee to take me back,
Give me
one more chance.
to walk
run
sing
leap
in joy.
The waters of Shiloah,
they come softly.

Peace envelops me. I am
nothing, I know this.
But in Him, I am everything.


--I quote Job 1:21

mcgillert
03-16-2007, 07:56 PM
A few weeks ago, I submitted a poem to poetry.com, with an iota of hope that I could atleast win an Ipod or some nonsense like that, if not a $1,000 cash prize. Yesterday I received a letter from those damn hucksters, and quickly realized that the International Library of Poetry was most certainly a disreputable scam organization, so went about doing some googling on the matter, and, luckily, came across a thread on this website containing details on all sorts of disappointing encounters with poetry.com. Anyhow, this is my first, and only, attempt at poetry...

Nothing can satisfy this urge
So I stay in a cloud
My heart is in a constant surge
My mind is far too loud
Oh, how I yearn to change the past
Hoping to move forward
Assuming not everything lasts
And things will move toward
An Eden to provide solace
Nothing else could provide
If only it could be just us

Adolescent09
03-16-2007, 08:04 PM
poetry.com is a scam site... go to the sticky topic in this poem category. Even if it wasn't a sham there is little chance that you, I or any other "normal" poet could compare to some of the extraordinary stuff on that site.

Interesting poem though. Good job.

mcgillert
03-16-2007, 08:13 PM
poetry.com is a scam site... go to the sticky topic in this poem category. Even if it wasn't a sham there is little chance that you, I or any other "normal" poet could compare to some of the extraordinary stuff on that site.

Interesting poem though. Good job.

Right on, thanks man. I wish I had know about this website months ago.

Pendragon
03-17-2007, 08:41 AM
The Waters of Shiloah



"The Lord gave
the Lord hath taken away,
blessed be the name of the Lord."
One by one they disappeared:
health
love
pride
talent.
I am left, dry, unable to rise
or move forward.

So I lie here, buoyed
by the rushing water.
Begging Thee to take me back,
Give me
one more chance.
to walk
run
sing
leap
in joy.
The waters of Shiloah,
they come softly.

Peace envelops me. I am
nothing, I know this.
But in Him, I am everything.


--I quote Job 1:21Love the poem, Seasong. Totally relate to these verses.

Pen

Pendragon
03-17-2007, 10:18 PM
Allegory

Weakness seeking,
Ravenous wolves prowl—
Circling vultures hunting endlessly—
Show fear, you die quickly.
Thoughts become words become deeds.
Ignorance breeds prejudice breeds hate.
Pass and see me not time following time.
Your loss it is. Sing sorrow.
Mine was it never; neither gain nor loss…

Loss nor gain: Neither! Never was it mine!
Sorrow sing, your loss it is.
Time following time not see me and pass…
Hate breeds prejudice breeds ignorance!
Deeds become words become thoughts!
Quickly you die, fear show…
Endless hunting vultures circling!
Prowl, wolves, ravenous—
Seeking weakness…

Pendragon
© 3/17/2007 10:13 PM

Pendragon
03-20-2007, 10:12 AM
Would someone comment please? http://i94.photobucket.com/albums/l108/AbsalomKane/Smilies/wry.gif

Kittenleigh
03-20-2007, 11:52 AM
I turn back the tables and close my eyes

The tears weld up and fall

How could this be?

How did this happen?

I wonder these questions

Did I do something wrong?

You had said I hadn't

But I still do wonder

I look out the window and think

The clouds are dark and gathering

The storm will soon be upon my house

Soon the sky will be crying

It will join me in my frustration

It will join me in my pain

My tears are not for nothing

I must put them away

I must put it aside

I must not think of it

It will be gone

Kittenleigh
03-20-2007, 11:54 AM
Pendragon, That's a good poem, I really like it, you can almost feel the fear from the hunt when you read it.