Does this engage the senses?

[SleepyWitch]

hey folks,
I've tried to consider what Jarndyce said about 'engaging the senses' (vs the intellect) (cf "These Suckers for Passion" in this subforum).
I hope this does a better job...
does it sound wobbly? does each line have to have exactly the same length? does it engage the senses a bit more or is it too intellectual again?
any comments are appreciated :)
thanks :)

A long-drawn-out infatuation
Surprise washed down the gullies of his grey-worn face
that after X and Y and umpteen years
she should still trust him by default.
Like summer-lightning in the far-off hills,
an unexpected shyness gilds the April slush,
and after X and Y and umpteen years
they grope for words once more.
Ruffled as a stranded bird he musters up his wit
sways like a rainswept sapling in the breeze
and soon resorts to common courtesy again.
They joke and laugh, then go their separate ways
And thus, in X and Y and umpteen years
not much of interest has been said.

[Jarndyce]

Well, I suppose it's only appropriate that I respond...

First, much, much better. You've got solid, specific images and similie that really bolster the work, make it tangible.

"Gullies of his grey-worn face"
"gilds the April slush"

and my favorite

"Ruffled as a stranded bird"

make this a visceral experience. People can gain some much more from visuals than from abstract statements. Think about it like a teacher explaining geometry. What works better, the words "bisecting a right angle" or the little visual diagram (that I can't put here). Even mentioning the words "little visual diagram" probably is sufficient. The power of image is overwhelming.

I like the repetition of "after X and Y and umpteen years," too.

That said, here are a couple of suggestions to sharpen it up a bit (there's always gotta be some of that, yeah?). This will sound a bit odd, I know, but the similies "Like summer lightning in far-off hills" and "Ruffled as a stranded bird" start new sentences. Though there's nothing wrong with that, necessarily, with just four complete sentences, it makes things a bit clumsy. Also, you have to be careful now that you are using more image, not to confuse them. "Rainswept" tends to suggest storm, yet it's just a "breeze."

All in all, much much better. It's a nice transition from thought to image. Keep pushing.

Oh, and just one more thing that I forgot to mention. Either cut the last two lines, or invert them somehow with the line preceding. You have the image of them going their separate ways, but there's more. I'd rather see them go their separate ways as the last image.

[blp]

Mm hm. Better by far.

[SleepyWitch]

Well, I suppose it's only appropriate that I respond...

First, much, much better. You've got solid, specific images and similie that really bolster the work, make it tangible.

"Gullies of his grey-worn face"
"gilds the April slush"

and my favorite

"Ruffled as a stranded bird"

make this a visceral experience. People can gain some much more from visuals than from abstract statements. Think about it like a teacher explaining geometry. What works better, the words "bisecting a right angle" or the little visual diagram (that I can't put here). Even mentioning the words "little visual diagram" probably is sufficient. The power of image is overwhelming.

I like the repetition of "after X and Y and umpteen years," too.

That said, here are a couple of suggestions to sharpen it up a bit (there's always gotta be some of that, yeah?). This will sound a bit odd, I know, but the similies "Like summer lightning in far-off hills" and "Ruffled as a stranded bird" start new sentences. Though there's nothing wrong with that, necessarily, with just four complete sentences, it makes things a bit clumsy. Also, you have to be careful now that you are using more image, not to confuse them. "Rainswept" tends to suggest storm, yet it's just a "breeze."

All in all, much much better. It's a nice transition from thought to image. Keep pushing.

Oh, and just one more thing that I forgot to mention. Either cut the last two lines, or invert them somehow with the line preceding. You have the image of them going their separate ways, but there's more. I'd rather see them go their separate ways as the last image.

SleepyWitch is a poet, SleepyWitch is a poet whooooopee :banana: erhem, *clearing her throat*..
thanks for your comment :) well... yeah... the idea behind the rainswept sapling and the breeze is that he's like a sapling after there was a heavy rain and then there's a breeze after the storm.... if i can come up with a better word I'll change it...
about the final lines: the point is, they've been in this situation lots of times before and will be again, so they don't r e a l l y separate.... is that what these lines convey??? if so, I'll leave them, because that's what i intended... if not, I'll have to find a way to make it clear...
thanks for your criticism :)

[Jarndyce]

if i can come up with a better word I'll change it.

if not, I'll have to find a way to make it clear...


If there are words that are better, or make it more clear, or just freakin sound right, they need to be used. Every word should be important, and should be the best word you can use there.

By the way, whether intentional or not, I really like the imbedded rhyme "hills" with "gilds" and "April." Rhymes don't need to be at the ends of lines, and often work much better when built internally. The actually rhythm of the line

"an unexpected shyness gilds"

would suggest breaking the line there, if you were sticking to that sing-song perfect rhyming structure that I've been fighting since the first day I started posting here. However, by tacking on "the April slush" you diffuse that nursery rhyme pattern, and make the two lines more interesting.

[Grumbleguts]

A very evocative little poem. In spite of the lack of definite rhyme or meter there is an accomplished sense of rhythm here which is pleasant to the ear. You have used imagery and simile well to convey your points. I can find no real fault with this. The points made by Jarndyce represent his own preferences rather than actual errors. I would not presume to suggest that you change a word but I would encourage any poet to revisit and refine their work periodically, and if you find that 'better word', well...

'not much of interest has been said'? Quite the contrary!

[SleepyWitch]

hey, thanks so much for your encouragement, Grumbleguts :)
hehe, you don't seem to be very grumpy today :)
yep, it's a good idea to revisit and refine one's work... that's something lazy SleepyWitch has to work on :)

[SleepyWitch]

TA-DA
seeing as Uncle Virgil wants me to write more poetry, I've selfishly revived this old thread to push it to the top of the thread index :) :) :):D