Senior citizens

[formality hater]

Hello friends,I recently read an article about the hardships faced by the senior citizens of our society so I wrote this poem.Hope yo'll like it :cool:
I am expecting all of my friends to comment on it.


I AM STANDIMG DISMAYED IN FRONT OF MY POSSESIONS


Now you may surrender,
or I shall renounce,
the things won't change a bit
Neither your cries nor my yells,
can calm the sorrows which found me
The thunder when claps,the howls I hear
they might leave you all aghast
For me they aren't the sounds unheard,
for I let them all to bind me

The words you uttered,
or what I said,
I bet they are inane,
The sense of a bliss,
the fancy of your hearts,
took you to the way unknown
And then yet again,
I am standing with pain,
asking for something invain,
Oh my sons what have I done,
to bear the running tears
You have just shattered the trust which I had,
by ruining the lives of many

Should I assume,
that there was a flaw,
A flaw "I" made in your trainning
so what can I say,
I am standing dismayed,
discouraged in front of my possesions

[formality hater]

Knock Knock Knock!!!!!!!!
Aren't you forgetting something?

[Pensive]

I am poor with free verse but this poem seems good to me. I like it. Keep on writing!

[Jarndyce]

I think the best advise I can give you here is to try to evoke more, rather than explain with abstractions. Phrases like:

"can calm the sorrows which found me" (the tense change here is awkward, by the way)
"The words you uttered,/or what I said,/I bet they are inane,"
"I am standing with pain"

don't really engage the reader. They are explanatory, but you need something to allow the reader to enter. I would suggest using the last two lines,

"I am standing dismayed,
discouraged in front of my possesions"

as a springboard. I think you could do a lot by taking the ideas you sketched out, and show us what the person standing there looks like, what the possessions are, put them in context, and let the reader feel the dismay, the pain, the sorrow, the inanity.

Maybe think of it like this: a person tells you that a joke is funny. Okay, you can appreciate intellectually that there are jokes, and that they can be funny. But, wouldn't you much rather hear the joke, and laugh?

[formality hater]

Thanks pensive and Jarndyce.
You are helpful Jarndyce.Thanks again.

[Virgil]

I agree with Jarndyce. Although I found the first stanza more engaging than the others. Openning with the surrender was sort of mysterious and made me want to read, and also the thunder and clap and howl was specific and visual and interesting. The rest just explained it too much rather than make me feel it.

[formality hater]

Well I have been re-reading the comments and then I tried reading my poem again.As Pensive said that it was a free verse so this shows that Pensive had a got the theme behind it.

I am working on it and soon I will come with an improved poem which will have a feeling in it.
I want others to read it too so I can more clearly know the way of improving my poetry.