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View Full Version : Beginner's luck..not the title of the text below!



Mariam
05-15-2006, 02:08 AM
Ok..That's first time I write a short literature text in English, so don't let me down any comment would be great.
Thanks. :rolleyes:
Here it goes..


Feeling that he was followed, he rushed to lock the door twice as he entered his dead gray room.
Dragging his spirtlees self, and pulling his weak trembling legs behind, he dropped his living corpus on the worm eaten rugged sofa.
His shocked horrified eyes overviewed the nacked paint-less walls and stopped to stare at the smal dirty window facing him.

It was dark outside though, it wasn't evening yet.
The monsterous roar of the thunder and the sound of the first drops of a summer's day rain brought him back from his dead dreaming.

There was a knock on the door, but his senses were to o charmed by the pure sparkling drops that scattered all over the smooth glass leaving as they run down splendorous shiny lines, and a yellow smile on his dry lips.

A harder knock broke the silence and his smile.
Just as the llightining stabbed the heart of the heavy darkness, the thrusting noise of the knocking nails on the locked wooden door stabbed deep into his racing heart.

Nailed to the sofa at the time that something cold and wet moisten the back of his neck, his skinny hand went over his forehead and traced every single feature of his pale face, and his bones chattered aloud as soon as his hot feverish fingers touched the cold sweat.

Motivated by a subconscious instinct he laid down on the sofa , gathering up his parted knees as close as possible to his cheast, and breathed wildely from his parted lips.
There was nothing that he could see for a thin misty layer coverd his eyeballs, while the mighty darkness engulfed every thing surrounding his fadding existence. Therefor, he could no longer here anything but a voice of a motionless face within a silent dream....

SO...what do you think??

kathycf
05-15-2006, 02:41 AM
Interesting ideas, Mariam. You convey a definite mood of foreboding in this piece. It makes me want to learn more about the person you are writing about. Who is he, and what is he so horrified and shocked about?

Mariam
05-15-2006, 03:31 PM
Come on people..29 views and 1 reply!! :p

Thank you Kathycf for taking the time to read my post...
so shall i put on more effort to take this thing i wrote to a higher level, i mean to develope the plot and such things.
Any comments on the style, language, or what's good or what's not would be helpfull.

Thanks :D

kathycf
05-15-2006, 04:12 PM
Any comments on the style, language, or what's good or what's not would be helpfull.

Thanks :D
Ok, Mariam: I do have a few suggestions about language and style. As you say, this is a very early effort to write in English and as such is quite credible. I give you credit for that. I did notice a few errors, though. How about this... I have taken the liberty of copying the text, I will put in a few suggestions and I will correct a few spelling errors. Then I will send you a PM (private message) with all my suggestions and the next time you log in it will be waiting for you. I can't speak for other folks, sometimes people don't have the time to leave a comment and some perhaps are not sure what to suggest. Don't take it personally.

Mariam
05-15-2006, 04:17 PM
Thank you are far to kind.


sometimes people don't have the time to leave a comment and some perhaps are not sure what to suggest. Don't take it personally.
I know that.. ;)

kathycf
05-15-2006, 04:57 PM
It is no problem. I like to write as well BUT I sometimes find it is easier for an outside person to read the work and give suggestion, make corrections ect. Sometimes you can read your own work and not see something that someone else does. I sent you the PM, it has some suggestions and some corrected spelling. I hope it helps you out a little bit and I am looking forward to seeing more of your work.

Mariam
05-16-2006, 01:47 AM
Thanks again Kathy.
Im not used to showing others my work, but I guess I'm not as bad in writing as I thought..I need to write more often to get used to it, right?
I'll try to watch out for those mistakes I made in the first part while writing the ending.

About spelling sometimes I type/write fast and don't pay enough attention, I do that all the time even in my exams!

formality hater
05-16-2006, 04:32 AM
it is nice.

Pensive
05-16-2006, 04:33 AM
Mariam, Good Job! I really like the idea!

Keep on writing. You can show us your other works as well. I am sure that they will be as good as it is.

Mariam
05-16-2006, 05:33 AM
Thanks a lot every one :blush:

kathycf
05-17-2006, 01:42 AM
Thanks again Kathy.
Im not used to showing others my work, but I guess I'm not as bad in writing as I thought..I need to write more often to get used to it, right?
I'll try to watch out for those mistakes I made in the first part while writing the ending.

About spelling sometimes I type/write fast and don't pay enough attention, I do that all the time even in my exams!

Keep writing, I am looking forward to hearing more about your mysterious character. LOL, I make typos all the time! Some of my on line friends call me the "typo queen"... ;) :lol: